Underneath my yellow skin

Category Archives: Taiji

Mindfulnot, not mindfulness (part three)

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Yeah, I’m back for part three of my musing on mindfulness. Here’s part two in which I talked about, well, I’m not really sure what. I think I had more side notes tahn I did actual post. That’s just the way I roll, though. I make no apologies for it. I will footnote you all. day. long. I have footnoted footnotes before, and I will do it again.

That’s a word I love, by the way. Footnote. Side note, too.

Back to mindfulness. When I started researching the negative sides of mediattion, I expected to find nothing. I thought it was just me because people seemed to be universally positive about it. “It calms my mind!” “It makes me see the world in such a different way!” “It eases my anxiety!” “It connects me with the world!”

I know that there are proselytizers for anything and everything. I know that. I have lived that. I am careful not to do that myself because I can tip into that way too easily. And, I’ll be honest. The more praise something gets, the more suspicious I am of it. Not because I think it’s going to be trash, but because I know it won’t live up to the hype.

There is only one movie that I ever ended up really liking after being skeptical about it before going to see it and that was The Royal Tenenbaums. I don’t like many of the actors in it, and I did not have hope. Much to my surprise, I really liked it. Other than that, though, I am pretty accurate as to what I’m going to (not) like.

I really wish I had known I was neuroatypical earlier in my life. It would have made things so much easier. Things fell into place once a friend gently suggested that I take online autism test. The irony is that I knew my brother was autistic several decades ago beacuse he exhibited classic autistic traits–no eye contact, did not like being touched, very into techie things (there’s a picture of him gumming an alarm clock when he was a baby, and my mom told me he took it apart around the same time), had to do things his way, and basically stimmed (before it was a known thing).

A few months before my medical crisis, I was talking to my brother, and I casually said something like, “Because of you being on the spectrum–” He stopped me and asked me what I meant by that. I scrambled and backed up, but in the end, I told him what I meant. We’re pretty open with each other, and I did not want to lie to him.

A few weeks later, he called me to tell me that he had looked up autism and it really helped him. i felt bad that I hadn’t told him before beacuse I thought it was obvious and because he knew his older son had it–and his son was a lot like him.

It’s funny to me that he had no idea that he was autistic and needed me to tell him whereas I also had no idea that I might be and needed a friend to suggest I check it out. I thought I might have ADHD, but I never in a million years dreamed I might be autistic as well. Why? Well, mostly beccause of how autism is portrayed in society. What is emphasized when autism is mentioned? Male, stimming, can’t look you in the eye, can’t empathize with other people, low-to-no emotions.


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Mindfulness? More like mindlessness (part two)

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Today’s word is mindfulness. Words I don’t like, I mean. That’s what I’m focused on these past few days. I can hear you wondering aloud what issue I could possible have with mindfulness. Being aware of one’s inner sensations, feelings, etc., as well as one’s outer environment can’t be a bad thing, right?

Of course that’s a leading question. I would not ask it if I did not have an answer that was counter to what common belief is. I will say that I get the point of mindfulness and  I am not saying it’s completely bad. What I will say is that it’s not universally good, either.

Side note: Twenty years ago, it was not a thing. Now, it’s a big thing. Being mindful, I mean. I know that things change over time, but it’s bemusing to me in this case.

Roughly seventeen years ago, my Taiji teacher started to incorporate meditation into her classes. I struggled with it from the start, and at a certain point, I started having flashbacks. I told her I could not do it any longer. She put a pair of practice deer horn knives in my hands and showed me how to walk the circle. I fell in love with the  deer horn knives, which I have talked about several of times. This post is not about that, though.

Once mindfulness became a societal thing and somewhat of a godlike idol for many people, I became intrigued by the phenomenon–and lowkey irked. Not just because I’m a contrarian who hates it when something becomes a snake oil answer for everything that ails you, but also because, well, it makes me wonder what I’m missing.

Here’s the thing. Mindfulness is like ASMR to me. If I had no reaction to it, then I would just let it go. I hate ASMR. It sends me into an instant rage (well, certain types of ASMR. Funnily enough, I read a story from someone who in some professional capacity studied ASMR? Shilled the positive benefits of it? Something like that. He said with a straight face that ASMR could not fail anyone; it can only BE failed by a person.

He did not say that exactly, of course. But that’s what he meant. He said that no one actually had a negative reaction to ASMR because ASMR was a positive reaction. Gotta love that circular meaning! I get what he was trying to say, but to me, that’s not a legit answer. It’s pretty amusing that he wants to make it so that ASMR is negative reaction-proof. He went on to say that if the people who reacted negatively could actually feel the ASMR properly, they would react positively to it.


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The anger is rising

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Here’s the big issue with this current president. It’s not him in and of himself (though that is terrible, indeed), but it’s what he represents; how many people are holding him up, either for personal reasons, ideology, or just the need to unthinkingly follow someone in authority.

His presidency also lays to rest the ‘gentleman’s agreement’ that all previous presidents have silently agreed to. What do I mean by that? I mean that there aren’t many specific laws in place to prevent the president from abusing his power (and, yes, I deliberatley chose ‘his’ because that’s what we’ve had so far). For past presidents, I do believe that most of them wanted what was best for America, even if I deeply disagree with their ideology. They did not do things soleley because they wanted to do them or for personal gain.

I should note that I’m talking mostly about the presidents I have experienced in my lifetime because I can’t know what prior presidents were really like.

Anyway.

I knew this president’s second term was going to be dangerous and terrible beacuse he had nothing to lose. Again, this was with the assumption that he would not wangle a third term someohow. Oh, and here’s yesterday’s post with more musing on this subject.

I want to focus on something else for a hot sec.

I’m so angry right now, I can’ barely stand it. The only way I can really tamp it down is by becoming numb. I feel incandescent with rage, and I want to make the world burn. I want all the assholes to get what’s coming to them rather than mumbling some inane platitudes about how we have to be better than that. Me doing the mumbling, I mean.

I don’t have it in me. To be polite or compassionate or kind, I mean. I just watched a video of a right-wing influencer (ugh, I hate that word) who came to Minnesota to agitate, cause a ruckus, and probably was hoping to stir people up. I had to laugh when I saw that he had a whopping TEN people supporting him. The local news spoke to one of them, and, yep. Young white dude, wouldn’t you know it, from Minnesota, but not the Twin Cities.

The influencer claimed he was stabbed, but there was no official report of that. I did see him in a car getting kicked, and I felt a quiet vicious satisfaction inside me. I will say I know that’s what he wanted to a certain extent, and I don’t believe in giving these assholes what they want. But the incandescently angry, “I’ve had enough” burning ball of hatred in my heart? That part of me was glad.


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Taking the high road when others aren’t

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Life is still rough here in Minnesota. Very rough. So very fucking rough. The Federal DOJ opened an investigation into Gov. Walz and Mayor Frey for exceedingly bogus reasons. I’m not going to name them because my god. It doesrn’t matter at this point. None of this matters at any point. I included the video of the charges below if you want to see them with your own eyes/hear them with your own ears. One tiny bit of good news is that it was ruled by a federal judge that Minnesotans can follow ICE as long as it was from a safe distance away (ICE/feds claimed this was not allowed), but it just doesn’t seem enough.

Nothing is enough, obviously. Jen Psaki, the host of the video I included below (and warning for rough viewing, by the way), made it clear that the investigation is bullshit. She cites the numbers, and, yes, they are horrible for this persident. Some are the lowest they’ve ever been–ever!–, but they’re still at anywhere from 30% to 41%. That’s still way too many people who think everything is just hunky-dory.

This is actually part of the bigger problem–which is my fellow Americans. That’s not what this post is about, though–you know what? I ‘m going to make it about that because I can. And because it fits with the theme (sort of). The theme being taking the high or low road. I wrote at length about this fallacy (taking the high road is always a  good thing, solely on an idealogical level) in a prior post.

Quick primer: For most of my life as a Democrat, I’d watch the Democrats bleat about taking the high road. They gave in over and over again, and it was always frustrating. Why was it only the Dems who were expected to negotiate and meet in the middle? I mentioned in a prior post that I’m at the end of my rope with being compassionate and peaceful.e

Every time the Republicans won a major election, it was spun as them having the will of the people to do what they wanted. When a Democrat won, however, it was spun as the country being fractured, and the Dems had to work extra hard to make sure the Republican Americans did not feel shunned/rebuffed/out in the cold.

Many Dems felt that way, too. Or at least they mouthed the words that sounded like they agreed. Whereas the Republicans blithely ignored any semblance of extending the olive branch. Thirty yaers, I’ve listened to this. It’s always been a case of being on different teams, but there were lines that neither side would cross.

Those lines are completely erased now. As I’ve said, my friends and I have agreed that we’re not exactly surprised by what this president has done, but the surprise is how quickly and violently it’s happened. Also, in my case, it’s how efficiently it’s happening. Which makes me suspect that it’s not him.


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Sideways to meeting my goals, part two

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I’m back with more musings about my three main goals. I caught up on my writing (as far as an hour a day), and I have decided that I’m going to move Point B to the second book. What am I talking about? Well, I mused about it in the prior post, which you can read here.

In my murder novemoir, I had the central mystery plotted out in my mind. I didn’t know who the perp would be (which is unusually for me. I usually know it from the beginning), but I had the vic and the basic plot points.

Last night, I started writing about a second major mystery that I had seeded the night before, which was much more interesting to me. My impulse was to set it aside, but my brain said, “Nope. We’re going to keep on writing about it.” I mentioned in yesterday’s post that I knew the smart thing to do would be to put it in the sequel, but I’m stubborn if nothing else.

Now, though, I think I’m going to set it aside for the second book. It’s too meaty to do it in tandem with another major mystery. I have decided that the hour a day can include the time it takes for me to research a topic or rereading what I wrote before. It includes thinking time and anyithing that is related to writing. Once I’ve done that for the month of January, then I’ll think about making it two hours.

I am very glad that I changed it from writing 2,000 words a day to writing for an hour a day–and now saying doing anything writing-related for an hour. The goal right now is to get myself back into writing fiction on a daily basis. I still have it in me; I just need to apply myself.

Side note: This is another thing that I found out about neurospicy people–it’s not just laziness. What I mean is that sometimes it feels literally impossible to force myself to do the thing I need to do. Even if it’s something I want to do.

When my bestie used to live here, we would make plans to get together once a month or so. I always looked forward to it, but I had to drag myself to get dressed and drive to her place. She would not be ready when I got there (a long running joke in our thirty-year friendship), and we used to commiserate with each other about how weird it was that we had such a hard time getting ready for something we really wanted to do.


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My goals for 2026, this and that (smaller goals), part three

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I’m a mess; I’ll admit it. There are so many things I’d like to change in my life, and it paralyzes me from doing anything. My brother is completely different, and I envy him for it. When he sets his mind to something, he just does it. Granted, sometimes it takes longer than he planned because he tends to underestimate how long things actually take and how quickly he can get shit done. Plus, with ten things going on at once, there is bound to be a ball or two dropped. Still. He does more in a week than I do in a year.

It’s hard to believe we have the same genes, honestly. We could not be more different in most ways. There are a few ways in which we are similar (we’re both on the autism spectrum,; we both have our topics that we can wax poetic on forever–and I do mean forever; and we’re both very opinionated, for example), but  I could rattle off our differences for several minutes. He’s more logical-minded whereas I’m almost pure emotion. He’s EQ is not great; mine is off the charts. He’s Christian, and I am not. He’s super-active while I am not. He’s into pickleball, hiking, and other outdoor activities while I prefer my exercise martial and indoors, please. I’m allergic to everything under the sun, and I stay out of the outside as much as possible.

I like to say I like the outdoors as long as it stays outside and away from me. I also like to say that I’m allergic to everything including the air.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. There are several things I’d like to improve this year. Or rather, several things I’d like to change about me and the way I am.

In the last post, I talked about wanting to get laid. Not looking for a romantic relationship, but for sex. I mentioned all the reasons that I had not gotten my groove on in quite some time, and maybe this is the year that I actually make the effort to get a piece.

Side note: Everything is really hard for me to make myself do. It’s the depression, and while I am not happy about it, I just accept it as part of who I am. Even when I was at my mental health best, it still took so much effort to actually do things. That’s another thing I am envious about with my  brother–that he just does things.

I want to cook a bit. I was going to say cook more, but that would be insinuating that I cook at all. Which I haven’t since, well, in a very long time. Even when I did cook on the regular, it was mostly simple pastas or making sandwiches. I did buy a slow cooker, but my sink broke, so I can’t watsh it. Yes, I need to get a new sink, but taht isn’t going to happen any time soon. Which means the slow cooker hasn’t been used in quite some time.  Also, the few things I made in it weren’t great, plus it took way more effort than I thought.


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My goals for 2026, this and that (smaller goals), part two

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In the new year, I have three big goals I want to attain. I also have a bunch of other smaller goals that I wish to do, too. Well, not smaller per se because some will be harder, but not my main goals. I talked about my mental health and finding a therapist in the last post. In this one, I want ta talk about finding a fuck buddy or three.

In early February of 2020, I decided that I wanted to start dating. Not to find ‘the one’ or to be in a lifelong relationship, but because, quite frankly, I was horny as fuck. I’ve always been good at sex, but I’m pretty bad at romantic relationship. I was not a good partner for reasons that were partly my fault and partly not. Family training is hard to break, and I have been trying for nearly fifty years.Plus, I never really wanted to be in a long-term committed monogamous realtionships. I thought I  would be married by the time I was thirty because that was drilled into my head as the only proper thing for a woman to do–and then I would squeeze out a kid or two in following God’s great plan for every wonman on earth.

Looking back, I’m appalled at how I bought it hook, line, and sinker. I mean,  I don’t really blame myself because your family is all you know as a kid. It’s the norm, and if your family is fucked up, well, then that’s your base normal.

I am so grateful that I knew I realized I did not want children before my mother started her full-court press to get me pregnant. And, no, I’m not being too harsh on her because she spent fifteen years nagging me to have children. It started when i turned twenty-six and she commented that she had my brother at that age. Every time we talked after that, she managed to work me having children into the conversation. When she came in the summer to visit for a month, she mentioned it nearly every day.

When my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, my mother told me that my grandmother would really like to be a great-grandmother before she died. I was the oldest AFAB grandchild on that side of my family, and the fact that my mother was telling me meant that she was just using it as another cudgel to get me pregnant.

I reminded her that it took a while to meet someone, get married (they’re devout Christians), and get pregnant. Not to mention the nine months of gestating the baby. She said she was sure my grandmother would be fine if I skipped right to the having the baby part. My jaw dropped because as I noted, they are deeply Evangelical. I marveled at how a lifetime of very rigid and strict conservative morals were dropped just like that for what was ultimately a selfish desire.


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I fucking did it!

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My Taiji teacher has the flu, so no class today. That meant I did my solo practice, and halfway through, I decided, why the fuckk not? I had one posture left in the Double Fan Form. I had planned on teaching the last posture to myself on Sunday (tomorrow), but I decided why the hell not do it today? It was the closing posture, and it was a bit more complicated than other closing postures.

Today, I took a deep breath and watched the video of it several times. May I say once again how much I appreciate the one video where she is doing the form facing both front and back side by side? It’s so valuable to see both perspectives at the same time. Most videos show the teacher facing the camera, which messes with my brain. I much prefer seeing it from the back, but I like having the front view so I can check angles I can’t see from the back.

It also helps to have it at half speed. Then, the second video I watch is at .75 speed. The third video is at normal speed. I don’t know why this works for my brain, but it does. I need the variety of teachings in order for my brain to truly understand what is going on. Even still, there were a few times when I despaired I would ever learn the whole form.

I started teaching myself this form on my (actual) birthday. Now, just a bit over eight months later (minus a month of getting over my three-shot day, so a little over seven months), I can say that I have taught myself the whole Double Fan Form. I am pleased, of course, but also too tired* to really feel much.

I cannot believe it; I really can’t. I had a Zoom lesson with my teacher on Thursday. Zoom because she has the flu, of course. I was telling her that I was so close to finishing the Double Fan Form and how fucking hard it was, and she said she would like me to do it at the demo (in February).

I said not this year, but maybe next–and I meant it! I do not feel ready to do it in two months, but in a year and two months? Yes, maybe I would be ready. It might fulfill my desire to perform, too, which would be an added bonus. The problem is that I get performance anxiety, which I used to do when I was performing on the regular a few decades ago.  It’s hard not to go on tilt once I let it get to me, which then just makes everything worse.

I’m really proud of myself, I’ll be honest with you. Though it took twice the amount of time I thought it would–shit, more than twice–it was…worth it? I’m not sure I can say that. As I said to my teacher, I would not have done it if I had known what it meant back when I started, but I’m glad to have done it now.


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More musing about martial arts in 2026

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I’m back to talk more about my martial arts in the next year. Before I get to that, though, my god. My sleep is so off the rails. Like, this is the worst it’s been in quite some time. Ugh. I’m trying very hard to get it back on track, but for whatever reason, it’s just not working.

Back to martial arts.

By the way, I still think immediately ‘taiji’ and then add ‘bagua’ afterwards. I’m fine with that as I’ve been studying Taiji for fifteen years and Bagua less than one. Or right around one. This is the post from yesterday in which I talk about the Double Fan Form and how close I am to f inishing it. Soooooo close. In fact, I could have finished it by now, but I’ve been pacing myself. I don’t want to rush at the end just to say I have it finished.

I’mma be real with you. I am very proud of myself for sticking with it. I have never had this much trouble with a form before,, and I had to really push myself some days to get it done. I’m weird in that I either quit right away when I can’t do something or I push myself past the point where it’s smart or reasonable.

To be fair, I have proven I can do it this time. Well, I have one posture left to go, but I don’t think I’m speaking out of pocket by declaring it finis (at some point soon).

What’s next? I can’t help but think about it because I’m that close. I know I’ve said that I want to focus on refining the forms I alreadyy know, but I can’t deny that mumur in the back of my head saying, “But what about a new form?”

“Oh, you should just CTFO and refine the forms you already–”

“Ok, but what about a new form, though?”

Now, I’d like to tell you that I will be mature and work on refining the forms I already know. That I’ll be thoughtful and reflective next year so my current forms will be better. I do think I’ll do some of that, but I also know myself. I am going to teach myself another form. Or I’m going to create a form.

Might as well shoot for the top, then. Swimming Dragon Form (hands only) on the left side. Plus, my teacher’s teacher’s Bagua Form with Deer Horn Knives. Or maybe I’ll create a Swimming Dragon Form with the Deer Horn Knives. It’s going to be something with the Deer Horn Knives. I can tell you that much. They are my favorite weapon, and I am excited to do an actual form with them. It’s the whole reason I started learning Bagua.


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Taiji (and Bagua) and me in 2026

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I am so close. SO CLOSE. One more posture, and I’m done with the Double Fan Form. Well, I mean, I’ll have to refine it and make it all spiffy, but I will have taught all 48 postures to myself. 48! I still can’t believe I made it to the end. Well, I can because that’s the natural result of teaching myself a posture every so often, but, my god, it’s taken so fucking long. I honestly had my doubts that I would get here because I thought about giving up back in the early days.

Let me be real. I was never going to give up, but there were days when I really wished I could let myself do so. I had no reason for teaching myself this form other than I wanted to do it. There were times when I really did not want to do it. But I kept doing it because I’m fucking stubborn. And because it’s a beautiful form. When I can get in the flow, I love it. Here is my post from yesterday.

The way I got through it was by not thinking how much I had left to teach myself. If  I had thought about it when I was in the low teens, I would have been depressed as fuck. Now that I’m one posture away from finishing it, though, I’m just in awe.

It’s a lovely form, and it seems deceptively easy. At least it did to me before I started teaching myself the form. I have included one of the three videos I used to teach the form to myself, and it was so helpful. It showed the form from the front and back at the same time, and it’s very slow so that I can catch everything about each movement. I really apppreciate that it’s from both back and front at the same time. I mostly used the back view because it’s the way I’m situated so it helps me visualize the way to do the movements.

That’s the one thing I struggle with when watching most videos. The vast majority only show them facing forward, which means I have to mentally reverse the image when I’m trying to teach the postures to myself. I mean, when you’re learning in class, you’re behind the teacher, right? That’s the way it should be in videos as well. I know why it’s not that way, but I’m just appreciative that in the video below, they show both viewpoints.

I started this form back in April–on my real birthday*, as a matter of fact. I thought it would take me three months, and here we are, eight months later. Subtracting one month because of my three-shot day, that still leaves me with seven months of teaching this form to myself.


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