Ed. Note: We here at POOG* are constantly on the look out for all things vag-related. We call upon you, the POOG patrol to point out any and all atrocities you see that concern the crotch (peen, too, though there’s less of that) to our administration. Tweet me @asiangrrlMN or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with all your fascinating/horrific hoo-ha articles, and we will address the ones that tickle our yoni, er, fancy. This week’s installment is not related to Gwyneth, astonishingly enough, but don’t worry. We’ll get back to her soon.
As my faithful readers know, I’m very committed to making sure my vag is in the best shape it can possibly be. That means I wash it regularly, which is all it needs because it’s self-cleaning. However, there’s a new ‘vaginal therapy’ that is all the rage on Etsy.** It’s putting oak gall up your hoo-ha to tighten and dry your vag because we all know that loose lips don’t get any dick! The gall of having flapping labia! (Get it?? The gall? No appreciation for my wit.) Oak gall is when a wasp deposits its larva into an oak tree. The tree becomes irritated (wouldn’t you?) and secretes tannic and gallic acids around the larvae. This formation is essential the gall, or as I like to call it, the gall ball. Hey, ho, it’s a gall ball party in your vag! Doesn’t that sound appetizing? Oh, and the gall is astringent, which makes it doubly fun. I don’t know about you, but I love putting untested astringent wasp excreta in my pussy. I could do that shit every day! Who doesn’t like a little sting and burn in her private parts? I certainly do! That’s why I slather my cervix with Sriracha every night before I go to bed. Sure, it means that my vag feels like its engorged with flames when I wake up, but that’s just an added benefit!
Once again, it’s up to Dr. Gunter, my Gwyneth Paltrow whisperer, who I have just promoted to vagina whisperer to give the medical 411 on why you shouldn’t insert gall balls into your lady bits. She handles the science, I deal with the sarcasm and snark. In her blog post on the subject, she tells you exactly why it’s a bad idea to put an unknown astringent up your hoo-ha. You wouldn’t think a grown woman would have to be told this, but here we are. I am thankful for Dr. Gunter’s tireless devotion to debunking all this vag-related hokum.
I also really appreciate that the purveyors of this bullshit are calling it traditional medicine. They claim that women in Southeast Asia, particularly Malaysia and Indonesia use it to snap their uteri back in shape after birthing some babies, and at least they went Southeast Asian this time for their mystical Orient bullshit rather than East Asian, but still. Stop using my global sisters to sell your shit, people! I know it gives your crap instant gravitas, but it’s racist as hell. “Peasant women in Malaysia are squatting in the rice fields, smearing their lady parts with ground up wasp nest to regain the pep in their puss!” It’s antiquated, outdated, and pretty foul to boot. It’s funny, really, how you never hear about a product being sold that was used by ancient Icelandic women or some shit. It’s always Asian women, and usually concubines/empresses. Otherwise, it’s tantric and yoni, which is also grotesque, albeit amusing in a dark way. Below is a satire video by Awkwafina and Margaret Cho (goddess!) skewering all the played-out and stale stereotypes about Asian women.
Back to gall balls, which are the bee’s knees to making your vag as tight as it was when you first had sex. Which, by the way, is not an ideal for which we should strive. The vag, like the rest of your body, changes with age, and there ain’t no fucking shame in that! Hm. It just occurred to me that another reason people hearken to the Far East to hawk their shit is because the stereotype of the tight Asian pussy still exists. Probably because Asian women are smaller on average than many other women, the theory goes that our vags must be extra-tight as well. I’m just spit-balling here, but it makes sense to me. Anyhoo-ha, your vag is beautiful the way it is. It doesn’t need to be tightened or jade egged or yoni detox pearled (teaser for an upcoming post!) or given any other of these ‘vaginal therapy’ treatments. For most vaginas, soap and water is all you need on the daily. I know it’s not sexy or eye-catching, but it’s true. I’m not a doctor, of course, and if you’re having problems in your lady parts, go see your doctor! There ain’t a goddamn thing wrong with your vag if it’s healthy, and I don’t need to summon Auntie Cherry Blossom to confirm this is true. And, no, I’m not bothering her with this nonsense because she’s made it quite clear how she feels about putting things up your vag, and I can’t afford to feed her Big Mac/frappuccino addictions, anyway.
Ladies. I’m going to take off my sarcastic bitch glasses and put my concerned auntie glasses on instead. Let me be sincere for a hot minute if I may. All this shit about what you need to do to make your pussies more appealing (to men. Let’s be honest. That’s what this is about.) is just that–shit. It’s a way to make you feel insecure enough to shell out big bucks for Sex Dust Moon Juice (teaser for yet another future post!) that will make you feel sexier before a date, ground-up wasp nest to plaster on your puss to make it tighter for the fucking. You don’t need any of it. I promise you that your vagina is fine just the way it is. There will be plenty of guys who will want it just the way it is (if you’re into that, and it’s OK if you’re not!), which isn’t even the main point of having a vag.
I worry about the young women out there. All this pressure to have the tightest, most natural, fittest vagina that can be possibly had. It’s a new twist on the impossible body standard, and I am not here for it. You don’t need to have the Wonder Woman (look at me being current) of pussies; a Diana Prince vag works just as well. I feel it so deeply, I’ve been moved to write a poem about it loosely patterned on the classic Green Eggs and Ham by the esteemable doctor known as Seuss.
I will not put ground-up wasp nest in my box,
I will not stuff up there any rocks.
I will not put in my hoo-ha a jade egg,
Gwyneth, I am not pulling your leg!
I will not make my twat sting and burn;
That would be a really bad turn.
I do not like yoni detox pearls–
The thought of them makes me hurl.
I do not like them in my twat;
That does not make me at all hot.
I do not want them up my hoo-ha
It would be the last straw!
I would not let them here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
I do not like astringents in my puss;
Go ahead and call me a wuss.
Soap and water is what I’ll use
To clean my cootch!
Now that’s a story you can read to your child at bedtime! I think Dr. Seuss would be proud. Remember, when it comes to shoving gall balls into your vag, just don’t. That’s a hornet’s nest best left unstirred.
*By ‘we’, I mean ‘me’, but ‘we’ sounds more officious.
**Was. Since it’s been exposed as the fraud that it is, most of the products have been removed by Etsy.