I hate video games. This, obviously, is hyperbole, but it’s starting to feel true. I tried Furi this week, and I couldn’t get past the tutorial boss. Before you tell me to git gud, n00b, hear me out. I knew going in that Furi was a hard game. It’s all boss fights, and each one is difficult in its own way. That’s all I knew going in. Oh, and that the protagonist is in jail and has to fight the jailer to get out. That’s all I knew firing it up, and I was prepared to have my shit pushed in time and time again. What I wasn’t prepared for was how fucking irritating the jailer/warden, whatever the fuck his name is. I’m going to call him FuckFace just because. No reason. Anyway, he talks waaaay too much. Maybe it’s because I play Dark Souls and Monster Hunter, but I’m not interested in someone flapping his lips at me as I’m trying to kill him. Yes, there was Micolash in Bloodborne, but he was fucking annoying as well. Not as annoying as The Jailer, though. He’s sneering and pompous an supercilious. And he won’t. stop. talking. He fancies himself a dom with me as his unwilling sub. He talks about killing me again and again and again. Blah, blah, blah.
I could tolerate that, barely, if it weren’t for the fact that he has eight phases. Yes, you read that right. Three of them are tutorial, and you heal to full after each one. But, so does he. Then, in the fourth phase, shit gets real. He starts attacking you with everything he’s got, and I died to him a few times. I also noticed myself doing damage, but then seeing he had full health. What? Oh, right. He has a fucking shield for each phase. So you have to kill the shield before doing actual damage to his health. You get three lives to do five phases (plus shields), and I just–no. I did not want. I set down the controller, uninstalled it, and sighed sadly.
The thing is, I think it’s a good game. I really do. I just think it’s above my pay grade, and I don’t want to put in the work it would take to get firmly mediocre at it. Plus, I hated listening to The Jailer being such a jackhole. In addition, there were two other things about this guy that made me turn off the game One, there are bullet-hell aspects to the game, which I do not enjoy. The other is that you have to learn to parry.
Anyone who has read about my adventures with FromSoft games knows that I don’t parry. Or rather, I try to parry, but I suck at it. I have tried and tried and tried, but I cannot get the timing down. I can do it fairly reliably against the Silver Knights in the first game because I practiced for hours (my tenth or so time through the game), but it’s not applicable to other enemies or the other games. I got around it in Bloodborne by using the Augur of Ebrietas as a substitute for the gun. It worked better because it gave me a huge window for the visceral. In Sekiro, I only parried by accident, and it was because there was no endurance meter so I could spam block as much as I wanted. I always chuckle when people say it’s not possible to win at a FromSoft game without learning to parry because I’ve done it five times now, and yes, it makes it more difficult, but it *is* possible.
So, would it be possible in Furi? Maybe. Do I want to figure it out? No. There is an easier mode, but I don’t want to do that. There is also a harder mode once you beat the game on normal mode, which I can’t even fathom. The thing is, I don’t like the game enough to want to force myself to play it. It doesn’t have that thing that Souls games do, and it’s in part because it’s only boss games. I’m sure there’s some kind of lore, but it’s mostly just go to the next boss and beat that boss. And, this boss isn’t interesting at all. It’s a humanoid/android dude who mocks you as you fight him. He has ranged attacks and melee attacks (as do you, the protagonist), and electricity, and a shield, and I’m tired just thinking about him.
I’m old. My reactions suck. A game that is purely twitch response isn’t going to do it for me. Add it to the pile of games that are good, but not for me. Which makes me sad. But not every game is for every person, so I’ll just move the hell on. The one game that I really wish I could have been good enough to play was Hollow Knight. I adored that game, and I loved the little protagonist with her rusty nail. Also Nuclear Throne and Dead Cells. Sigh.
Right now, I’m playing Dark Souls III again. I’m at my desktop because I’m having laptop issues, and for whatever reason, FromSoft decided not to have cloud sync for this game. They have it for Dark Souls, Dark Souls II, and Sekiro, but not Dark Souls III. The last character I made in DS III on my desktop had a weird build because I was trying to do a miracle/magic build–I think. It’s very much jack of all trades, master of none, and I did not care for her. So, I started another character, a Pyro, and it’s heartwarming to see that people are still playing. I actually found a summon for the Gravetender fight…I think that was on my laptop, actually. At any rate, I had a dozen or so summons for one of the boss fights–Midir! That was the one. Midir and Halflight Spear bullshit. This was on my laptop, and it was so much fun to stomp all over Midir, the Halflight Spear, and Gael. By the way, I loathe the Halflight Spear fight with all my heart because I hate PvP, but I hate it even more now because people have discovered that as the boss, the best way to win the fight is just to constantly roll. There was one guy who kept doing that, and I almost wanted to kill myself out of boredom. The fight is already stacked in the boss’s favor, so any trick that helps them is bullshit. Also, with lag, it’s hard for any kind of projectiles to be of any use.
I got a code to Killsquad, which has been described as Destiny crossed with Diablo. I’ve installed it, and I’m hoping it’ll just be some mindless fun. I’m not expecting it to have the complex combat system of Dark Souls, but that’s ok. I need a break from back-breaking games, which is one reason I haven’t tried Celeste yet. Amusing note: most of the Dahveeeeeed CAHJ games are coming to PC. I have a hate-hate relationship with them, but I’m perversely fascinated by how such a mediocre white guy can keep getting his video games made. Beyond: Two Souls is coming to PC, and that’s the one I would actually want to play. Not because it’s good–it’s not. But because it’s the least bad, at least until Detroit: Become Human. Which is also coming to PC apparently. If I did play one, I would be sure to keep up a running commentary on it because I have FEELINGS about those games.
I tried Victor Vran again because Geralt. I mean, the voice of Geralt (Doug Cockle) is also the voice of Victor Vran. I didn’t like it any better this time around. It was boring and monotonous, and Geralt didn’t speak enough to keep me captivated. In addition, the voice of the narrator in The Stanley Parable (which I did not like at all) is The Voice in this game, and he’s just as fucking irritating in this game. Also talks way too fucking much. Plus, deciding to call Victor ‘Vicky’ as an insult, yeah, no.
I’m losing hope that I’ll find another game I like that isn’t a FromSoft game. I have no expectations when I play other games, but I still end up disappointed and feeling shitty that I can’t do the thing (when it’s a game I like, but is above my station). Maybe one day, another game like Night in the Woods will come along. I can but hope.