I hereby declare that I am formally and officially SICK OF THIS SHIT.
I’m not dying, but it’s incredibly tedious, frustrating, and exhausting. I have crud in my nose and throat, and my ears and scabby and burning. If I’m not better in a few days, it’s to the doctor for me. That’s a big deal! I hate going to the doctor (and I irrationally blame my sickness last year on my clinic visits), but I hate being sick more. Here is Shironeko and buddy enjoying spring. Here, we still have snow (which makes me happy, but no one else).
That’s it. I’m done. Just as I was 80% better, I got hit with the third wave of the crud. It’s my ears again, and they burn like the fire of a thousand suns. I’m sleeping way more than I normally do, which is probably good for my body, but is disconcerting to someone like me. I’m exhausted all the time, and I just want to sleep. I may see the doctor, which is a huge deal because I hate going to the doctor. I hate my immune system so much right now. Ugh.
Oh, also, I’m having strange dreams about college and relationships. I don’t know quite what to think about them, but it’s been some time since I’ve had those kind of dreams. Here’s a video of Maangchi making Korean pickles.
I’m slowly getting better, but I’m fighting off an extraneous sickness. My ears aren’t as crusted over as they were before, but they’re still not clear, either. I’ve been sleeping a ton, which is never a good sign. I did go to taiji on Monday, and while I took it easy, I was pretty tired by the time I got home. It’s snowing, by the way. It started yesterday (Monday) while I was in class, and it’s still going. It’s not much snow, maybe two to four inches, but it’s making me happy.
I need to start cooking. I hate that, but it’s true. I’m starting to have more sensitivities past dairy/gluten, and buying pre-made food just isn’t cutting it any longer. I’ve been playing a shit-ton of a Metroidvania-style game called Dead Cells, and I’ll write a post on it later.
I’m sleeping a ton, which makes me worried that I’m actually getting sicker. I don’t sleep much when I’m healthy, so I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. In the meantime, my motivation to do much of anything, which isn’t high to begin with, and that’s an indication that I’m still not well yet.
Day whatever of being sick. I’ve lost count and my motivation to care. My left ear is still achy and scabby (so gross!), and the toilet is my best friend right now. I’m wondering if I have a sensitivity to something other than dairy and gluten, and if I had a guess, it’d be corn. Glands still tender, and I’m drinking so much tea/juice/ginger ale/water, I should just be floating around. I have writer’s block, which is frustrating the hell out of me. Everybody knows when you’re sick, chicken noodle soup is good for what ails you. Here’s Maangchi’s version.
I now have a hacking cough and my ears hurt. My stomach is starting to hurt as well, and I’m just done. I’m done with my body. I’m done with my immune system. I’m done with being sick. That’s all I have to say. Here’s Maangchi making ginseng chicken soup. I wish she were here to make it for me.
I’m fat. I have been most of my life except for the times when I was anorexic/bulimic. I’ve dealt with eating disorders (ED) for most of my life, and any time I try to lose weight in a sensible way, I plunge deeply into the abyss. No matter how reasonable I am when I first start, my ED-thinking takes over, and I end up in the same bad place. I will fully admit my desire to lose weight has always been for vanity reasons. I don’t give a shit about the health benefits–it’s all about looking in the mirror and feeling gross.
I’ve spent twenty years getting fatter and fatter. I lost weight more than once during that time, but it never lasted. One time it was because I was trying out antidepressants (for a second round), and they were making me feel deeply suicidal. I lost nineteen pounds in two months because every minute I was fighting the urge to kill myself. When I told my doctor, she kinda laughed and said, “Well, whatever it takes” or something like that. I immediately changed doctors because even though she was joking, that was completely inappropriate. Quick side note: SSRIs work well for me on the first go-around (Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa) for about a year. Then, the effect wears off, and I switch. When I re-try the same drug, it makes me suicidal. I don’t know why, but it’s highly unfortunate.
Anyway, I got off the Celexa right quick, and I stopped feeling suicidal, but I also regained the weight. I’m the fattest I’ve ever been, and it’s way out of hand. I would have thought cutting out gluten and dairy would have led to natural weight loss, but my guess is it’s the rice. I’ve added it back into my diet, and it’s calorie-dense. Jasmine rice because it’s delicious. It also doesn’t help that I don’t cook and mostly rely on deli food. It’s not so bad when it’s the co-op, but when it’s Cubs? Yeah, not the healthiest food of all. Also, I gave up fruits for some years even though I love them because my mom was very rigid about them when I was growing up. I’ve started adding them back. I eat an orange every day because it’s good at easing aches and pains (as told to my taiji teacher from a weightlifter), and I try to eat other fruits. I have grapes in my fridge right now, but I haven’t been very good about eating them.
I’ve also decided I’m going to do the ‘add one healthy item a week’ thing with the hopes that snacking on healthy food will slowly overtake my desire to munch. Earlier, I cut out chips and popcorn, but I added them back for whatever reason. Side note: There are two ways to deal with cutting out ‘bad’ foods. One, cut them out completely. Two, slowly wean yourself off of them. I’m more of a number one kind of gal because if it’s not there, I can’t eat it. But, I’m nominally a grown-up now, so I’m going to try a combination of the two. One, once I’m done with my current bag of popcorn, I’m not going to buy any more chips/popcorn. Two, I bought individualized bags of baby carrots and a bottle of pickle spears. In theory, I’ll munch on those when I have an impulse for the salt. It’s kinda working, but we’ll see what happens once the munchies are gone.
Well, I’m sick again–to the surprise of exactly no one. I think it’s about 20% allergies and 80% a cold. Achy, alternating between freezing and burning up, scratchy throat that has me sounding like Barry White, and absolutely no energy. I’m tired and sad and grumpy, and I have no motivation to do much of anything. For today, here is ‘Die Anywhere Else’ from the Night in the Woods soundtrack. It’s one of the tracks I had to play in the game–i did not play it nearly this well. This is Alec and Scott, the two developers, playing the song.
I am pleased to say that I’m mostly recovered. My flu/fever symptoms are gone, and my sleep is shite again (a clear indication that I’m getting better). However, I’ve been having the chills on and off over the last couple days, so I’m keeping an eye on it. My knees hardly ache at all, and going to taiji class yesterday really helped. I have to remember that gentle movement on the daily is a good thing, even if I have no motivation to do it at the time.
This is the problem with having depression. Even when I know something is beneficial to me and that I’ll probably enjoy it at the time–it’s difficult for me to actually force myself to do it. The inertia is strong within me, and I can sit on my ass for hours on end without even thinking about it.
On a side note, I did a testing of all the new Diet Coke flavors and live-tweeted it. Take a look if you want a good chuckle. They’re not all linked because I included pictures, but just trawl around that time, and you’ll find them all.
I. Am. So. Tired of being sick. I know I have to go to the doc, but I’m not good at making doctor appointments. I am thrilled about the snow, which is appreciable. Anywhere from nine inches to a foot, and I’m hoping we get more in the near future.
I have the sniffles and a lump in my throat that I can’t get rid of, no matter how much I swallow. I’m hoping it’s allergies and not the continuation of My Year of the Neverending Cold.
Here is a video that makes me appreciate Michael Bolton in a way I never thought possible.
I’ve been depressed for the past few months. I’ve written about it before, but I’d like to expand on it a bit. I lost my Raven over a year ago, then a month later, I got really sick. Sicker than I have been in quite some time. I started getting better, then went to the doctor for a different reason, and got really sick again. that started months of sickness, and it happened again this year, starting a few months ago. I didn’t think of it at the time, but it might be because I’ve been thinking more heavily about Raven since the anniversary of his death.
I also have to check my thyroid because my levels were off last time. I hadn’t had to adjust my meds in years, then I did last year. Then I got sick and didn’t re-check my levels, so I need to do that. I just have an unthinking bias that going to the clinic makes me sick.
I started getting depressed, and I realized it was definitely from outside of me. There’s nothing in my life to make me depressed, and at least I can see it’s not intrinsic to me. Weirdly, though, it actually makes it more difficult to deal with because it feels out of my control. I’m struggling with feelings of hopelessness and despair, and I’m sure it’s partly because of the insanity that is our national politics.
My sleep has been even shittier than usual lately, and I can’t tell if that means I’m recovering from my sickness or not. Usually, the healthier I get, the worse I sleep, but this feels more psychological than anything else. I’m hoping to power my way through it somehow, but I’m not sanguine about it.
In honor of the upcoming Lunar New Year, here’s Maru doing the Lion Dance.