Late Monday night, a situation unfolded on Twitter that was glorious to behold. Ian commented on it first, and then I had to check it myself. Apparently, Ted Cruz liked a porn video tweet and much merriment ensued. It’s of an attractive (in a bland American porn sort of way) ‘older’ blond woman (meaning probably in her late thirties to early forties) watching a younger blond woman being fucked from behind by a young man. We on Twitter sharpened our knives, and we went all in. I did a bunch of Ted Cruz orgasm face memes, and it was a blast. This tweet made me choke on my own laughter:
The most surprising thing about the porn video Ted Cruz liked is that the people in it were alive
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) September 12, 2017
I couldn’t read it out loud to Ian, but he guffawed as well when I showed it to him.
I haven’t laughed like I did over the Ted Cruz Twitter porn scandal in a long time. Twitter is at its best when we all come together as one and mercilessly mock people who deserve it.
Of course, there were wet blankets who scolded people for kink-shaming. I don’t want to get into that because it’s not the point of this post, but they didn’t understand or chose not to understand that nobody was kink-shaming Ted Cruz over the porn itself but because he is so anti-sex and anti-queer and anti-anything with a whiff of sexuality. He has a stick so far up its ass, he shits twigs.
I also marveled at how bland and boring the porn actually was. I mean, it’s racy for him, of course, but it’s…meh. I heard that it’s supposed to be a stepmother watching her stepdaughter get fucked, which is yawn. Even if it was her hubby and the babysitter, it’s pretty vanilla. I’m somewhat surprised, actually, because usually the most repressive people are the freakiest freaks in their sex lives. I would have expected him to enjoy being dressed up as a pony and being taken for a ride. Literally.
Ian pointed out that it’s a rookie mistake to like a porn video on Twitter, which I hadn’t thought about, but is so true. There are so many options for discreet porn viewing in this day age. There’s no need to like a goddamn video on Twitter! Pornhub pointed this out to Ted:
— Pornhub ARIA (@Pornhub) September 12, 2017
They’re really trying to help a brutha out!
Seriously, though. You don’t need to get your porn on Twitter. I like xvideos myself, but there are a ton of options for the discerning porn viewer.
This was another of my favorite tweets about the whole ‘scandal’:
If you close your eyes you can hear Ted Cruz pronouncing sexual with two Ls
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) September 12, 2017
Of course, they tried to say that he was hacked. When I read that excuse, I said that their next excuse was going to be that some intern accidentally liked the video, and sure enough, the next morning, they said it happened because of a staffing issue. Nobody bought it, but also, nobody really cared by then. It was one of those flash-in-the-moment events which really brings Twitter together, and then it’s done in a few hours.
I brought up another time I really enjoyed a moment like that–the #PumpkinRiots of aught-fourteen (as I insisted on saying). There was a pumpkin festival, and a bunch of trashed white teens started fighting. It was ludicrous, and Twitter was all over it. I started tweeting parody rap lyrics that I had written especially for the event. My favorite was my parody of Dr. Dre’s Next Episode:
Get my latte on, get my pie on, then go home w/something to carve on. Pumpkin is on for the 2 triple O. Comin’ real, it’s the next episode!
— Minna Hong (@asiangrrlMN) October 19, 2014
There is an electricity and a synergy that happens when all of the Twitter comes together to make fun of a person or situation that truly deserves it. As I’ve written before, I’ve been so bogged down by the negativity on Twitter, which is one reason I’ve cut back on my social media consumption. It’s time like this that I’m grateful for Twitter and for the opportunity to let off steam collectively in a hilarious manner.
And, yes, it’s not important in the grand scheme of things that Ted Cruz liked a porn video, but mocking him about it was a fun way to spend an evening.