Underneath my yellow skin

Time to bite the bullet

It’s time. I need to go to a doctor and figure out what the fuck is wrong with my digestive system before I devolve in a puddle of indignant goo. A few days ago, I had the worst reaction I’ve had in months, and it was from something I’ve eaten many times before.

Side Note: There is one upside to whatever this hell I’m experiencing. It happens as I’m eating or within ten minutes of consuming the ‘bad’ ingredient. Twenty minutes at the most. So I’m pretty sure what it is each time it happens.

This time, I’m sure it was the skin of the roasted chicken. I’ve had mild issues with it before, and there’s no list of the ingredients. I’m pretty sure there was more of whatever they roasted it in than before, and it ended up with me spending two hours in the bathroom on and off. I figured if I didn’t eat the skin and washed the chicken, it should be fine. Was it? Yes…and no. It didn’t cause me to shit my brains out, but it did cause some uncomfortable bloating in my stomach. so, yeah, it’s off the menu for me from now on.

Have started the reintroduction phase of the FODMAP diet. I’ve been having a hard time with it because I’m afraid to cause more explosions. It’s been nice to not have to run to the bathroom every night and to not feel bloated and queasy. Now, I feel as if I’m deliberately poisoning myself. It’s like when I used to get the allergy test (and no one ever explained it to me. Or allergy shots, come to think of it. I would just sit in the doctor’s lobby every week, feeling miserable because my arm was swollen, and I was hot and feverish) and my entire thigh would swell up. I hated having it done, and I would avoid it for as long as possible.

It’s the same with my diet. I’ve been dragging my feet on adding things back to my diet because why would I do that to myself? I mean, I know why theoretically. It will open up my diet in the long run, blah, blah, blah. But in the short term, it’s going to fucking suck.

Side Note II: I have been swearing a lot today (in writing, not in words). I don’t know why. It’s just a salty kind of day.

I did try garlic, and the results were to keep garlic on the list of no-gos. The effects aren’t terrible, but they’re mildly to moderately uncomfortable, and at this point, my goal is minimal to no side effects. I started on the onion with better results. Very minimal initial effect, but none throughout the eating. I’ll give it a few more days, but I’m cautiously optimistic I can add it back to the diet.

I will say I’ve been even more tired lately than in the past. My sleep has been all over the place, and weirdly, I feel less tired when I get six or less hours of sleep than when I get seven or more. Six to seven is the gray area. I know that goes against everything sleep experts say, but it’s what I know to be true.

I’m still fighting with the issue of not being a healthy person. There’s a voice in the back of my head that is constantly yelling at me for being fat and lazy. My immediate family members are all overachievers, and it only underscores how little I am doing with my life. If you look at my brother, you would be very impressed by what he does in any given day. Not just his realtor work, but also the work he does with his Tesla club and around environmental issues, work he does around the house, and work he does as a father. Let’s not forget church stuff and sound (system) work as well as photography work.

He’s flat-out amazing, and I have a hard time not comparing myself to him. In addition, I’m worried about the house reno that we’re doing. Rather, I’m doing for now, but he’ll come in when I get my part done. I’m not sure I will be much help doing the physical work, and I’m ashamed of it. I’ve read enough to know that I shouldn’t be ashamed of my physical limitations, but I am. In my mind, I’m just making excuses and being a wimp. It’s one reason I think getting an actual diagnosis would help. Not for other people as I’ve read enough accounts of people accused of being fakers, but for myself.

I think if I had a piece of paper (or email or whatever) that says, “You have IBS” (or whatever the diagnosis turns out to be), my brain would be more likely to accept it. Or not. I already know I have hypothyroidism, but my brain doesn’t take that into account. Or chronic and severe depression. Or anxiety. I also wonder if I should be tested for ADD, and I know I probably have sleep apnea.

I’m overwhelmed because it’s so much to do. To make matters worse, I need to find a new doctor, which is fraught with tension for me. I just looked up the doctors at my clinic, and I had to Google a bunch of terms that I didn’t know. It’s funny because I had an instant connection with one of the NPs, just from her picture. Anyway, I need to check my thyroid, get my yearly physical, and talk about my digestive issues. Oh, and I should get a mammogram, but they don’t do that and it probably won’t happen.

I have a real deadline for seeing the doc, though. I have one more refill on my meds, and I can probably eke out one more, but I’d rather get that taken care of before the deadline is up. Also, I have to get my Real ID before the October deadline, and it’s a nice coincidence that I need to renew my license this year. I’m planning at least two trips this year, one in July and one in late October, so it’s better to take care of that now. It’s not related to the issues at hand, but it’s indicative of the way my brain works. It’s so hard for me to do even the easiest of tasks sometimes with my brain fighting me.

Anyway. I’m trying to embrace adding things back to my diet as a good thing, but it’s hard. It does help to know that I can plan it around me being near a toilet. That does make things slightly easier to bear.


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