Underneath my yellow skin

Let’s talk more about labeling (part four)

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I was talking to K today, and we were talking about gender identity. It’s something we’ve talked about quite a bit, and we’ve been on the same page about the concept for our whole lives. She once said to me that she admired the way I easily adapted to people’s genders. We talked a bit about that, and I said it was because gender was unfathomable to me (just like it’s hard to describe the color blue to a blind person), so I accepted people’s genders without a murmur.

When you drilled right down to it, why did gender matter? Not in a sociopolitical sense because it matters a great deal in that way (and as a way to show solidarity/fight the patriarchy), and, yes, I can see why it’s important to individuals as part of their identity, but as a way of gatekeeping who can call themselves what gender, I am not a big fan of it. At all.

I have  thought about this so much, it makes me tired. If I were going to be totally real–oh, here’s my post from yesterday in which I said I was going to talk about labels and dating, but then didn’t. If I were going to be totally real, I would just like to never have to think or talk about gender again. Just let me beeeeeeeeeee. There’s nothing I can or can’t do based on my gender, really, so why should I care?

This is where I get tripped up every time. I can do what I need to do regardless of my gender, so why do I need to have one? No one can explain this to me to my satisfaction, which is how I feel about a lot of things. There are times when I just have to accept that I will never truly get it. The only reason I think about it is because it’s so important in this world.

I’m saying this with zero snark–I don’t understand why the heavy emphasis on it. I know it’s me beacuse most people do care about it a lot. I would not care that other people cared so much about it if it was just for themselves. I’m very big on live and let live, but the ‘let live’ part has to go both ways.

Which it doesn’t. At all.

It’s really depressing that all the progress we’ve made is getting torn up in this presidency. I can’t even get angry because I’m just so drained and exhausted. I know that’s the whole point of this spate of terrible laws, but it’s working. And this is one reason I will never date a Republican.

See how I did that?

I had that in a dating ad thirty years ago. I said I would date any gender, race, religion, creed, but not a Republican. I wasn’t joking, even though I put it in a jovial tone. I’m even more not joking about it now. If someone is a Republican in this time and age, that’s all I need to know about them.

As I’ve said, it’s funny when people who don’t give a shit about discrimination in general (or covertly/overtly support it) want to bleat about discrimination in dating when it’s against them. People are allowed to discriminate in their dating lives, and it’s especially true when the discrimination is based on something like ‘this person doesn’t believe I should exist’. Or ‘this person is a racist sexist piece of shit’.


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Labels, labels, labels everywhere (part three)

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I want to talk more about gender identity, sexual orientation, and dating. And labels. Maybe. It’s been at the forefront of my mind for several reasons. I mentioned in the last post a few times when it was helpful to have labels (mostly with health issues), and I am not going to muse whether or not it’s helpful in dating.

I will say I don’t like the labels I’ve chosen for my sexual and gender identities. They are both the least worst of the bad, and I’m not satisfied with either. Bisexual and agender, by the way. I’ve had the former label for over thirty years, and it has never sat right with me. I like queer the best, but it now is synonymous with gay. I’m not happy about it, but it’s not a fight I’m up for fighting.

Same with genderqueer. I really like it as a descriptor for not being on the binary in the fullest sense of the term. But now it means nonbinary in the same way queer means gay.

Sigh.

I’m irritated with myself for always making life so difficult. This is part of being neurodivergent, too, though. I’ve read that people who are neurodivergent often feel the need to be really explicit and on point with their words. I can attest that this is me, and it’s annoying as fuck. Even to me when it’s me doing it.

I overexplain things and belabor the point until the other person is ready to scream. I can see the shift on their face (or hear it in their message), and yet, it takes a Herculean effort for me to shut the fuck up. The person I’m talking to doesn’t need a twenty-page backstory to every idea I want to present. When I found out this was a thing with autistic people, I felt validated.

Another thing is that everything is related in my brain. I can’t tell a story without bringing in what others would consider extraneous information and tidbits. When I talked to my autistic friend about it, she was in enthusiastic agreement that her brain worked that way, too. It’s one reason we can have comfortable conversations (in messages). We can pepper in as many non sequiturs as we want without worrying. And if one of us goes really far down a weird road, the other will bring the first person back again.

Or not. Sometimes, I join her on the side path to nowhere (and vice-versa), which can lead to some wild journeys. And once in a great while, I don’t know where she’s going. I can usually figure it out, but if I can’t, I just ask questions until I get the gist of what she was trying to say.

Knowing that this is a thing for neurodivergent people is such a relief to me. It doesn’t mean that I just let myself ramble all I want whenever I want, but it does mean that I can be a bit kinder to myself when I can’t seem to stop utter nonsense from coming out of my mouth.


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When labels are actually useful, part two

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This is part two about when labels are actually helpful and necessary. Here is my post from yesterday in which I was musing about the times when a label actually helped rather than hurt (or just annoyed me). In general, it’s in the medical field when I find useful. If there’s something wrong  with my body or my brain, it’s a relief to know what that is. It’s easier to treat something if you actually know what that something is (and you don’t think it’s all in the patient’s mind).

It’s also helpful when it’s something like autism that marks me as different (though not ‘defective’ as health issues might). I cannot tell you the relief I felt when I realized that much of what I thought was wrong with my brain was in fact something medical (as autism is). It didn’t mean that I wouldn’t have to deal with it (because of course I would still have to do that), but it meant that it was something that was just different–not necessarily wrong.

I think if there’s one thing I could convey to other people who are different for various reasons that have nothing to do with good and bad as defined by Christians, you are glorious the way you are. That’s not to say that you won’t have to mask at times or that you’ll never have to smooth your edges to get along with society, but it is saying that much of that is arbitrary and there may never be a legit reason for it.

One thing I think people who are neurodivergent often have to do is  calculate how much of the weirdness they want to let out and at wwhat cost. This is especially true at work, which, by the way. I have a gripe (because of course I do).

There’s been a movement to bring your whole/authentic self to work. It was supposed to mean that people who were minorities and (including neurodivergent) should be able to be more themselves at work. Meaning that they should not have to heavily mask all the time. Or, as a very basic example, black women should be able to wear hairstyles that are a part of their culture without getting punished for it.

It was not nor has it ever been a way to say that everyone should let it all hang out at work. I am so frustrated that this is what people now think it means. “No one wants to see someone’s ugly side at work!” Well, no, but that’s never what it meant in the first place. It was supposed to be a way for minorities to feel less burdened at work for being so different than the norm.

I know that’s how these things work on the internet, though. The least-generous interpretation of a term (read, the one that the majority fixates on) is the one that eventually wins out and becomes the definition of that term.

Sigh.

Anyway.

I realize it’s still difficult for me to really let my guard down with people because I have had negative reactions to the real me more often than not. I’m not just a little different–I’m a lot different.


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When labels are actually useful

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I’ve made it pretty well known that I do not like labels for the most part. I find them restrictive, reductive, and sometimes, misleading. However, there is one time when I find labels useful. That’s when it comes to health, physical and mental. Let me explain.

When I was in my twenties, I had what I thought was really bad carpal tunnel syndrome in my right wrist. It was logical to think that was what it was because I typed a lot (and I mean excessively), and I didn’t always pracice good typing posture (and by that, I mean I never use good typing posture. I let my wrists collapse more often than I should. I did have a wrist rest, but I relied on it too much).

I had a soft cast for months, but it did not help. Nothing else helped, etiher. None of the exercises that the doctors recommended did one bit of good. After my GP could not find what was wrong with me, she sent me to a specialist. I don’t remember what kind of specialist, but I do remember what happened.  He listened to my tale of woe without saying anything. Without a word, he grabbed my thumb and yanked it backwards; I jumped about ten feet into the air.

“You don’t have carpal tunnel,” he announced as he wrote something down. “You have ______.” I don’t remember the name of it beacuse it was long, and I had never heard of it before. I don’t remember what he did for it, either, but whatever it was did the trick. I no longer had pain in my wrist, and I still don’t to this day.

Another time was when whichever doctor/therapist told me I had depression. or did I realize it on my own? Either way, being able to have a name for what I was feeling was such a relief. It wasn’t just all in my head! I mean, it was, but it was an actual thing–not me just making shit up.

Same with a friend gently suggesting that maybe I had autism. Suddenly, so many things made sense. Like me being too sensitive, me having sensory issues, me not being able to look people in the eyes. For me, putting a name to a bunch of disparate issues and being able to realize they were actually A Thing and, again, not just something I made up in my head was invaluable.

K and I had an argument about mental health. Not about the fact that it matters or the fact that we both have issues with our own mental health. It was about how far should we as a society go when it comes to mental health issues. She was uncomfortable with how much medication was happening these days.

She said that when we were kids, we just dealt with our issues because we had to. I pointed out in a less-than-calm manner that some of us didn’t deal with it well–and, indeed, that somepeople did not deal with it at all (meaning, we have lost so many people to mental health issues). I also said that if I had known more about my issues when I was a kid and how to deal with them, I would be in a better place now.

We got heated. Voices were raised. It’s the closest we’ve gotten to a fight in our thirty years of friendship. Once we calmed down, we found the common ground as we always do.

Her concern was that people with mental health issues still had to get through each day and go about their lives. If they focused too much on the mental health issues themselves, they might get stuck. I saw her point. There’s a thin line between focusing on your issues in order to work on them and obsessing over them.

On the other hand, if you don’t know what the problem is, you can’t deal with it. I lost decades because I didn’t know I was neurodivergent. I mean, I had a hunch, but all the outside signs ponited to it not being true. Because I was heavily emotionally punished if I dared think my own feelings and emotions mattered, and I was castigated for being too sensitive, I don’t act autistic–whatever that means.

In addition, the stereotypical view of an autistic person is based on male traits, and I never thought that there might be any other portrayal of autism. Once I was told to look traits of autistic women and other nonmale people, things started falling into place.

Just as I changed my bother’s life by casually mentioning his autism (assuming that he already knew about it), a friend of mine did the same for me. My brother immediately accpted what I said to him, looked it up, and told me a few months later that it made total sense. He has the classic (and stereotypical) traits of autism–and I’ve known it for several decades.

Me, on the other hand, I have none of the stereotypical traits–at least on the surface. I am told I’m too empathic, if anything; too sensitive; too emotional; and just too much in general.

All of that is a cover and learned behavior, though. Well, not the too sensitive thing. That’s just me, but that’s actually a symptom of autism–hypersensitivity, I mean. I just read that 90% of children with autism experience sensory hypersensitivity. Most of the research on autism has been done on kids, which is unfortunate. And on men. But that’s not unusual in, well, anything.

Once my friend brought up the possibility that I might be autistic, so many things made sense. So. Many. Damn. Things. And once things slid into place, I became so goddamn angry at society for not giving me a fucking clue that I might be autistic. The problem is that I’ve been masking so hard and for so long, it’s nearly impossible for me to unmask. It’s one reason I prefer being alone. That’s the only time I can just be me.

Well, one of the only times. When I’m with my closest friends, I can let down the mask somewhat. But that’s it. Otherwise, it’s on 100% of the time. And part of that is, apparently, people tell me shit about their lives that I would prefer not to know. I have one of those faces that say, “Tell me everything about you, starting with when you were five years old.”

Even when I tried to cut people off, it didn’t seem to matter. Now, I just roll with it since I don’t go out much any more.

More tomorrow.

FromSoft again? You bet! Part eight

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I have one more post in me about FromSoft. Let’s be real. I could write about them endlessly, but for now, I’ll stick to one post at a time. In the last post, I talked about why Patches is a better representation of the From games than is Solaire. Oooooh yes. I know that’s so controversial of me to say, but it’s how I feel deep in my heart.

Ian and I have discussed plenty of times whether Miyazaki loves his fans or hates them. I’ve said this before, but here are the arguments for both sides.

Miyazaki hates his fans: His worlds are so bleak and actively out to get the player. It’s pure misery everywhere you go, and everyone is hurting in one way or the other. Hell, one of the main points of the first game is that if you go Hollow, you’ll lose your reason to live. That’s when you lose your mind and it’s just a mercy to kill you. There are more than one NPC in the first game that you can mercy kill after they lose their minds (Griggs of Vinheim, Big Hat Logan, Oscar of Astoria, Crestfallen Warrior, Reah of Thorolund, Laurentius of the Great Swamp, to name more than a few. And, of course, the big man himself, Solaire).

That’s just off the top of my head–there might be more. I don’t do them all every time, but I have done them all at least once. Hm. That might actually be my next playthrough–doing all the NPC mercy killings.

By the way, many people like to kill all the NPCs at the end of the playthrough and before NG+ to get the items that they drop. I’ve done that, but I felt really bad about it. I don’t do it any longer.

It’s amazing to me how I can remember every corner of the game–at least in the first half. I did those runs so often, I can do them in my sleep. I will admit that I’m not quite as good at the second half of the game, but I know the general layout and most of the enemies. You kind have to when you die a million times on the way to the boss.

It’s also wild to me that I’ve played this game at least two dozen times, and I still find new things/hear new things about it. I’m sure that there are no secrets left to be found, but that doesn’t mean I’ve heard/seen it all.

One of the best things about playing a From game real time is the sense of community that happens when everyone is looking for secrets and commiserating about how hard certain bosses/areas are. This has happened since Demon’s Souls, and it’s one thing that makes the games incomparable. People are divided as to whether Miyazaki meant it to be that way or not, but my god, it has paid off in spades.


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Yet more musing on FromSoft games, part seven

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I’m back to have more fun with baseless speculation about the FromSoft pirate game. Why? Because why not? On a tangent to that, but somewhat related, I’m including a video below of Luke Westaway interwiving the man who translates From games into English. Well, he’s one of two who does it, and  he was the first one before his team hired another guy. The idea that it was just two men who did all the English for all the From games is wild–especially Elden Ring. His name is Ryan Morris, and he speaks fondly of Solaire, the NPC from the first Dark Souls game whom everyone loves. (Ok, I had asterisked this and everything starting with ‘Except me’ below was going to be a footnote. But then it turned into the post, so let’s just go with that.)

Except me. It’s not that I dislike him; it’s just that I think he’s overrated. Everyone has him as their favorite NPC in that game, igf not in all From games. I wouldn’t put him in my top five, and I might not even put him in my top ten. He is not even my favorite NPC from that game.

Who is? Darkmoon Knightess. She’s the Firekeeper of Anor Lando, and she has a tragic life. Well, that’s pretty much everyone in any From game, really. None of the NPCs have particularly good lives, mind. It’s one of the things that From is known for. Everything is tragic and horrible, which is one reason why I love Patches so much (as I talked about in yesterday’s post. He is one of my favorites beacuse he’s in almost every game. I know the saying is that familiarity breeds contempt, but in this case, the opposite is true because everything is so bleak. As I mentioned in the last post, when Patches shows up, I smile in glee. I know what is going to happen. He’s going to tell me that there’s some wondrous treasure down a pit, and when I go for it, he’s going to kick/push me in the pit.

We have a deal, Patches and I, and I’m always happy to do my part of it, knowing he will do his. He is in my top five favorite NPCs in Dark Souls and, indeed, in Elden Ring. And DS III. Some other favorites from the games are Lucatiel (DS II), Eileen (Bloodborne), Yuria (DS III), Karla (DS III), Blaidd (Elden Ring), D (Elden Ring), and Sellen (Elden Ring). These are several off the top of my head, and I like them all better than I like Solaire.

Look. Here’s the thing with Solaire. I get why people like him. He’s a lonely ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak world. He’s on a noble quest that sounds so heroic. Which brings me to another point about Solaire. After the first game, people thought he was the first born of Gwn. There are a ton of reasons for thinking this–and a soupcon of wishful thinking.

When the third game came out, Miyazaki made it crystal clear that Solaire was not the first born son of Gwyn. People were mad, to say the least. Well, some of them. There were a few camps. The first were upset/miffed that it wasn’t Solaire. The second weren’t miffed, but they wanted it to be left open. The third were happy with who it turned out to be.


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More about FromSoft (and stuff), part six

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So, apparently there are rumors that FromSoft is working on a pirate game, code name Cerusean Onslaught. Before I go further with this into the realm of pure speculation, here is the post I wrote yesterday. Now, let’s go on with baseless spinning of what probably isn’t happening. Cerulean was a key word in Elden Ring for two reasons. One, it was in the name of the flask for casting magicks (Flask of Cerulean Tears) and two, it was the name of an area in the DLC.

*Spoilers from here until I’m done theorizing*

The area is called the Cerulean Coast, and as has been pointed out, the–ok. It’s like this. In each of the four cardinal points it the DLC, there is a a mauseoleum. In each of them, there is a powerful enemy you can fight for some pretty tasty rewards. In fact, the first one you can come across within the first five minutes of the DLC. He wrecked my shit for an hour and was the sole reason I respecced my health so he could not kill me in one hit. I went from 38 Vigor to 60 (the recommended amount of Vigor for the game in general), and that made such a big difference. No way I would have had fun doing the DLC with less than 40 Vigor.

Fun fact; I played the first hundred hours of the base game (which was roughly half the game)  with 18 Vigor. I do NOT recommend that at all! I didn’t plan on doing that, but I always found something else to put the points in. It was only when I wanted to use the best spirit ash in the game–and that took 21 Vigor (instead of Mind, which is what the Flask of Cerulean Tears is for). If it weren’t for that, who knows how long I would have went with only 18 Vigor?

Back to the mausoleums. The one in the Cerulean Coast has a boss who is a woman who is a dancer. But also looks like a pirate–sort of. If you squint. There is also a marooned (what looks like a) pirate ship near the ocean in this area.

FromSoft has a habit of putting an NPC in the DLC of a game who signifies what the next game is going to be like. They put Marvelous Chester in the first Dark Souls DLC as a nod to Bloodborne. Then, in Bloodborne’s DLC, they had Old Hunter Yamamura, a hunter from a foreign eastern land who was a nod to Sekiro.

I see that some people consider the Armored Warrior (a boss) in Sekiro, a heavily armored person who came from a distant land to find a cure for his sick child to be a harbinger of Elden Ring, but I’m not so sure I buy that one. I mean, yes, the Armored Warrior doesn’t fit the aesthetics of Sekiro, but that wasn’t the only thing that people noticed about the out-of-place NPCs who seemed to indicate what the next game was about. In the other game, it was in the DLC, and it wasn’t a boss.


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Still more on FromSoft (and other shit), part five

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I am always amused/bewildered/confused by the console gamers who are so vitriolic against PC gamers. I mean, I don’t get console wars at all because who the fuck cares? Play what you want to play on what you want to play it on. That’s pretty much my belief. It’s also wild to me that after years of people saying that exclusivity is bad, there are a bunch of hardcore Xboxers who are now demanding exclusivity once again.

I mean, I get it because PlayStation is still sticking to their exclusivity as is Nintendo. PS has said that they will not be porting their games to PC any longer. If certain platforms stick with their exclusives, then Xbox has to do the same if they’re serious about being a meaningful console. But, and bear with me, if it seems as if consoles are dying out as far as brand loyalty, then so be it.

Also, if Xbox is going to truly be exclusive, meaning not being on PC, then I think that’s the wrong way of thinking. I’m not in the industry, obviously, but at this point, going with exclusives that are truly only on the Xbox seems so regressive. Gamers have been advocating to get rid of exclusivities for quite some time, and now, a small minority of them are suddenly pushing hard for them once again?

Look.

I’m not someone who is brand loyal to anything that is a product. I’m also not a team player or anything like that. I don’t get having undying loyalty for something/someone who cannot by nature give you the same kind of loyalty in return.

This is true of teams, celebrities, and especially for products–which video games are. It’s a slippery area beacuse they can also be art, which is more difficult to put a price on. But, lik a piece of art that I might buy–it’s worth what I’m willing to pay for it. To me, I mean–not in general.

FromSoft is probably a ‘brand’ that I’m more loyal to than almost any other brand. I have said in the past that–oh, this is my post on them from yesterday. In which I rambled about this, that, and the other thing. I will buy any From game I can immediately. In fact,  they are the only games I’ll preorder. I am always willing to give my money to FromSoft.

Until now. I did not like either Elden Ring Nightreign or  Armored Core VI Fires of Rubicon. Or rather, I could not play either of these games. Because of several issues I have, I simply could not do the things necessary to play these two games. Not “didn’t” or “wouldn’t”, but couldn’t. I can’t do anything that requires being able to gauge spatial distances accurately nor twitch responses. Nor any kind of deflection/parry.

Devout fans of FromSoft say, “Trust Miyazaki. He’s earned it.” (And to be fair, he did not direct either of the two games in the previous paragraph.) He is directing The Duskbloods. I’m uneasy with giving unconditional loyalty to anyone I don’t know personally, no matter how genius they are.


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More FromSoft musings (part four)

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I got a decent amount of sleep last night, and it just feels so good. I have no idea why I’m such like a toddler when it comes to going to bed, but I wish it weren’t so difificult for me to go to bed. I know it’s in part a neurospicy thing, but that doesn’t make me feel any less silly/guilty/ashamed that I can’t make myself go to bed earlier.

In fact, it’s been inching back again. I put a hard stop to that, and I managed to make it to bed by 3:30 a.m. last night. I think part of the problem is that I’m giving myself a generous window in a case where a hard stop would be better. In some cases, I’m fine with giving myself a generous deadline. In other cases like this, I’m going to push it because I can. I know myself. This will just be what I do.

I can be sitting at my computer and literally watching the clock tick, tick, tick. My brain will be saying, “I should be going to bed” while I continue to sit there, motionless, for the next hour or three. Usually, playing a casual comfy game that I can just do without thinking.

And, oh what the hell. It’s 59F right now, which is right on track with what it should be around this time of year. It’s really green outside, though, which means thunderstorms. We had one last night, which made me happy. I like a good thunderstorm.

Back to FromSoft games. I have a character in Dark Souls in which I just finished Big Hat Logan’s quest–which meant I got his big hat. And it’s a very big hat. I rarely do his quest because it’s very intricate and laborious. Plus, you have to buy all his spells which costs a pretty penny. I did it on a recent run just for funsies. It’s supposedly an intelligence run, but it’s not. Oh, and here’s my post from yesterday in which I talked about the worst boss in all of FromSoft’s games.

My issue is that I am wedded to a certain build–and a certain weapon. I adore the Zwei, which takes 24 Strength and 10 Dex. Because I’m a caster, I don’t need that many points in Strength. I do like to put 12 into Dex so I can use a bow. The Battle Axe, which is a decent enough weapon for a Pyromancer, takes 12 Strength and 8 Dex.

I am firmly a strengthcaster. That means even when I focus on casting, I want to be able to wield the Zwei. You can wield it two-handed at somethnig like 16 strength (it takes 60% of the Strength stat to wield a weapon two-handed, I think), but I don’t like to two-hand weapons (yes, I know that’s ironic giving the weapon I’m talking about).


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Parting is such sweet sorrow (part three)

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I have more to say about FromSoft. I just did the worst boss in FromSoft history (Bed of Chaos), and it reminded me why it’s considered the worst boss in FromSoft history–yes, all of the games combined. The thing is, I can see the cool idea behind the boss, but Miyazaki was pushed to finish the game–and this was the area that really suffered. He has apologized for it, and he redid the area in Dark Souls III to his satisfaction.

Anyway, I did it early, and I had very little health. Plus, with my terrible spatial aptitude, it was frustrating beyond belief. So was the Centipede Demon. Anything that I can’t see for several seconds is going to be a problem to me.

Back to the Bed of Chaos. It really represents the best and worst of FromSoft thinking. It’s a puzzle boss in which there are two glowing orbs on either side of a living tree (the Bed of Chaos). You have to hit both orbs and then the floor in front of the bed crumbles away. You have to jump on a thin branch and run up to kill the actual boss.

I know this sounds easy, but, trust me, it isn’t. Why? Because the tree sweeps its branches at you and makes bits of the floor disappear. The sweeps takes off nearly a full health bar for me, and it’s hard to spot the holes in the ground while sprinting for the orbs. or the hole in the ground you need to jump in.

I have never had as much difficulty with this boss as I did this time–and it was always me getting swept into holes. It happened the same way something like three times in a row–and the runback was more aggravating each time. One of the best things From did in Elden Ring was get rid of the boss runs. I can tell you that there’s little as frustrating as taking five minutes to actually get to a boss and then dying within ten seconds.

I have included a video below of a guy trying to do the boss with a bunch of weird self-imposed limits. (People like to do all kinds of weird runs.) I want to point out that he has roughly three times the health that I do, which made it easier. Not easy, mind, but easier. Even still, he was having a tough time with this boss (in terms of getting hit, not in getting killed).


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