Underneath my yellow skin

I don’t believe anything any more, part four

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“Is the internet actually dying? (It’s worse than you think.)

I just read this title of a video (that has a quarter mill views). Execpt it was written like this, “Is the Internet Actually Dying? (It’s Worse Than You Think)”

Side note: Yes, this early! I cannot get over the dropping of the punctuations in messages and titles like this. I had put a period after think before the end parenths the second time I wrote it as well as the first, but it’s not in the actual video title. It kills me to take it out, but so be it.

Hm. Apparently this is a hot topic of discourse (twhether the internet is dying or not). Here’s my very erudite and lengthy response: No, it’s not.

Thank you fgor coming to my TED Talk. Tip your server on the way out.

Look. Is it changing? Yes. Is it making huge shifts? Also yes. Will it look the way it does now in five years? No. But is it dead or dying? No. Is it getting worse? Yes. That’s what this series of posts is about. But is it dying? Well, that’s above my pay grade, honestly.

Before I continue, let me just say that I wrote yesterday’s post mostly about my emotions are broken, and the internet isn’t helping with that. To briefly summarize, I’m bad at feeling my emotions and at expressing them. It’s partly because my brain is weird, and it’s partly beacuse I was emotianally beaten up if I dared express anything but the most positive of emotions. Only my father got to show anger, and only my mother got to be depressed. My brother and I were supposed to fade into the wallpaper, I guess.

I dedicated my teens and twenties to becoming invisible. I got really good at it, too. I was able to tamp down my energy to the point where people wouldn’t notice I was in the room. Which isn’t easy, by the way. I’m fat and Asian, and I have huge tits. Blending into the woodwork almost broke me. It was so hard. And then I just gave it up when–probably after starting Taiji. Now I just take up the amount of space I take up.

Back to the internet being dead or dying. I don’t think it is, but there’s also not much  I can do about it if it’s true. Look, I’m really good at finding things to freak out about. If they are not there, then I make them up. A weird twist to that is that if something is really serious, I don’t overreact. If anything, I underreact. I don’t know whwy this is, but I have a hunch it has to do with my neurodivergence.

I just looked it up, and, yes, there are theories as to why neurodivergent people are better under pressure/in a crisis than neeurotypical people. One, hyperfocusing is our thing. Two, we are used to being out of step with neurotypicals, meaning we view things differently, anyway. Three, our emotions are different. So what gets neurotypical’s pulse to spike may not do the same to us.

Those are only a few of the theories. I found it to be true, by the way. I realized when I was in my twenties that I was better under pressure than in the day-to-die in a large part because I was  always waiting for the other shoe to drop*. When it finally did, it actually was a relief.

I got in a minor car accident about a decade ago. It was a young girl who looked South Asian (this is important). She was with her boyfriend, and it was on a road with a speed limit of 30 mph. I was going forward, and she was going in the opposite direction. She suddenly realized she needed to turn left to get on the freeway (a truly terrible turn), and she was going at least forty mph. She was talking to her boyfriend when she realized that she was going to miss her exit. She yanked her car to the right without looking.

I was watching her because she was driving really fast and distracted. She kept looking at her boyfriend, and I just sensed that she was not watching what she was doing. I also sensed that she was going to turn left (which would be where I was). I saw it all happen.

Time slowed down to a crawl. I knew she was going to turn into me, and there was not a damn thing I could do about it. My Taiji instincts took over (in fact, that was where I was going), and my body went totally limp. When she hit me (front bumper, but not on my side), I was completely boneless (well, you know what I mean, I hope).

After we collided, I just got out of the car and sat calmly on the side of the road by my car. I was in shock, probably, but I also felt very chill. There wasn’t much I could do about it, so no need to get upset about it. The young woman who hit me rushed over to see how I was (after calling a friend to pick up her boyfriend), and she was so upset. She was crying and wailing that her father was going to kill her because he needed the car (SUV) to go to work.

I was concerned beacuse it did not sound like hyperbole to me. I know it might have been, but she sounded legit worried. I told her gently that he could get a taxi if necessary and that I was sure he would not kill her. Honestly, thoug,h I wasn’t as sure as I would have liked to be. Not about killing, obviously, but corporal punishment? I could see it. Asian parents are strict, and some were not shy about it.

Her boyfriend came over before he got picked up, too. He wanted to make sure I was OK, yes, but he also wanted to make sure I realized that his girlfriend wasn’t being reckless or neglectful. Well, she was the latter, even if it wasn’t her intention. I was not going to be vindictive, but the accident was completely her fault.

Someone must have called the cops because a policeman showed up to talk to me. he reassured me that everyone had said it was not my fault, which was good, I guess. I was still numb from the experience so I wasn’t really feeling anything.

This went in a completely different direction than I had expected. More tomorrow.

 

 

*I have PTSD from my childhood, which is not the point of this post. That’s why i’m always on edge and feel like something disastrous is just around the corner. It’s not as bad as it was when I was a kid, but it’s still there.

The enshittification of the internet, part three

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Let’s talk more about the good and the bad of the internet. I spend most of my time online, so obviously, I’m a big fan. But I’ve noticed how the quality of the writing has gone down the toilet. I’m not talking about the AI (though that does, indeed, suck. I’m not here to talk about it, though), which doesn’t help.

(Deep sigh. So many big thoughts about AI that I do not want to share right now.)

Side note: Yes, again. Oh, here’s yesterday’s post in which I railed about all the shitty clickbait that is just getting shittier. And how websites are actively making themselves worse in order to appease their shareholders at the expense of their customers.

When I actually give in and check out one of those, “So-and-so DESTROYED the other so-and-so”, I always hate myself after. I have to be strict with myself because it’s so bad. Even on news sites, there is a tendency to run towards hyperbolic. As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I immediately knock off fifty percent of the energy whenever I read a piece. So if something is disastrous, then it’s mildly bad.

I also mentioned that I already have an issue with showing my emotions–feeling them, too. Which is a sign of my neurodivergence. I thought I was just wrong, weird, or broken, but it’s just how I’m made. It’s also my parents making it exceedingly clear that emotions were for them and not fro me. Any time I showed the least bit of negative emotions, I was  reprimanded, chided, and criticized. Sometimes, even shouted at.

I got exceptionally good at swallowing my rage, er, emotions. And in not showing pain. In fact, when I started Taiji, that’s something I had to address. My teacher was teaching ushow to do joint lock techniques, called chin na techniques. Basically, you jab or press pressure points to cause the other person immense pain that disappears the second you let up.

Before I get to thaat, there’s another kind of content creation that just drives me up the wall. I want to mention it because I keep meaning to talk about it, then promptly forgetting. Since I just saw something that reminded me of it (and set me off), I decided to do it now. This is the “I can’t believe _______ (people of a certain country) do _______ (something completely normal)!” and it’s cousin, “I finally understand why ______ (people of a certain country) do this weird thing! (Which is not in the least weird.)”

Me: “Oh, you can’t understand WHY PEOPLE IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY MIGHT DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU DO?!”

It’s so fucking annoying. I don’t know about the actual content because I don’t click on those vids (though I have seen one or two of them). “American English is different than British English!” Well, duh. The one that really irks me is when British people make fun of/are incredulous about how we do dates in America. By that, I mean the way we write the date, not how we go about dating.


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I just DESTROYED the internet, part two!

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Before I tell you how I DESTROYED the internet, I have a side note. Yes, alredy. It’s tangentially related to my exasperation at the way hyperbole on the internet is being ramped up in a desperate attempt to get clicks, but even if it weren’t, I want to talk about it.

It’s the constant enshittification (and yes, that’s a real (slang) word now) of the internet, and I am so frustrated with it. In this particular case,  it’s Yahoo! mail. They keep ‘updating’ it, ostensibly making it better. But, in fact, it’s worse. Not only is it uglier, there is a panel on the night side for ads. At first, I did not realize what it was for because I have an ad blocker. I tried to get rid of it to no avail. When I found out what it was for, I was so grumpy.

Yes, I could upgrade to premium or whatever it’s called, but I don’t want to do that. Yahoo is like my dump email, meaning it’s just for garbage, mostly. But also for all my accounts. They have been warning me for the past year or so that my inbox is exceeding 90% and that I should upgrade to avoid the possibility of not being able to receive new emails. I’ve deleted thousands of emails, but that apparently doesn’t matter.

Also, this is a nitpick, but it’s still annoying. When they ‘updated’ their look, they automatically switched me back to the light version, which hurt my eyes. Keep my preferences for fuck’s sake, Yahoo! Sheesh. It’s so ugly now, I can barely stand looking it. I know that’s a feature and not a bug. They don’t give a shit about user experience (that is so last millennium), and they are doing everything they can to maximize profits.

How does this tie into the hyperbole that I’ve found else where on the internet? Because it’s all in the name of making a tiny bit more profit. Whether it’s a mega-corp like Yahoo! or a YouTube channel with 10,000 subs, it’s the same desperation to get one more click that is such a turn-off.

I realized how bad it’s gotten when I found myself talking back as I read video titles. One that is particularly annoying me these days is the “This game has thirty minutes to get me/win me over/other negging.” Or even worse, “Kpop hater llistens to ___ (Kpop gropup) for the first time.”

It’s not that art can’t be judged–it can, of course. It’s just the “Prove that you’re worthy of my time” tone that is just so off-putting to me. Like it or not, but don’t act like a snot. Many people seem to like that premise, though, so maybe i’m in the minority on tihs subject.

Another that really annoys me has two versions. One is, “We NEED to talk about___” to which I automatically shout, “No we don’t!” The other, and it’s closely related to the first is, “Why is no one talking about_____ (incredibly popular thing that everyone is talking about)?!” I will punch my computer table the next time I see either one of these configurations.


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You won’t believe what this post is about!

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I am a big fan of the internet. BIG fan. However, one thing that irritates the fuck out of me is how hyperbolic ledes/titles can be. I cannot stand anything that has a title that starts, “You won’t believe what____”, “So-and-so CRUSHED/DESTROYED (his/her opponent!)”, or anything else of this ilk.

Another format I dislike is, “Did such and such a thing mean such and such?” I once read that if a headline asked a question, the answer was always no. Which I have found to be true 99% of the time.

Yet another thing that grinds my gear is titles that are negs in disguise. “Kpop hater listens to (Kpop group) for the first time! Will it change his mind?” That is such a bad premise, but it’s so clickbaity because most people want that redemption arc, even if it’s manufactured and/or trite. In the gaming world, the equivalent is, “I gave ______ (a game)” thirty minutes to make me interested.”

I will not click on any video that has any of those in the titles. Not only are they so negative, but they are overtly manipulative. If you’re going to manipulate me, it has to be much more covert than that. I resent being able to see the manipulation, and it’s so clumsy, too. It outrages me that these content creators think I’m that naive/ignorant/swayable.

It’s reached the point where if I see any title that starts with “Such and such hater tries–“, I just shut it down. Or tell YouTube not to recommend that channel. Also, it’s made me much more cynical in general. All the hyperbole, I mean. “You won’t believe–” Oh, I bet I will.

And all the ‘crushed’, ‘destroyed’, ‘humiliated’ talk is outright bullshit. I watched several of those (usually a liberal ‘destroying’ a conservative), and it’s never the humiliation that the channel is trumpeting it to be. At best, it’s a mild point scored for the liberal. At worst, it’s the liberal being shown in a bad light.

Look.

I know that it’s hard to get eyeballs on yyour channel no matter what the niche. There are a zillion channels, and you have to find a way to stand out. But this is so not my jam. I am turned off by negging and the exaggeration.

I don’t even know if it works. I mean, it must, right? Or why would people keep doing it? (Don’t answer that. I know there are other reasons why people might keep doing it.)

This kind of senseless sensationalism has infiltrated so-called serious journalism as well. There’s another problem there. They have to fill 24 hours, and that’s not easy to do. I’m thinking specifically of news stations like CNN. Think about it. We used to have a daily paper. Now, the news in a constant barrage peppering you relentlessly at every moment of the day.


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What I’m loyal to, part seven

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Let’s talk more about brand loyalty. I don’t have any because I’m more utilitarian than anything. In yesterday’s post, I talked about why I don’t have brand loyalty, and I want to expand on why I don’t. I’m pretty sure it has somtehing to do with my neurodivergence, but I can’t say with 100% certainty.

Here’s the thing. I do not feel any loyalty towards things, be they brands, teams (yes, they are made up of people, but not people I know. Plus, I’m talking specifically about “the team”), or individual products. I can be inttensely loyal toward individual people, but even that has it’s limits.

I don’t believe in unconditional love; I just don’t. Why? Because to me, that’s how you abuse happens and is enabled. I know you can set limits and boundaries with someone you love, but there’s so much pressure to love someone no matter what. So many people believe that love means allowing the other person to walk all over you. I don’t agree with t hat, and I want no part of that. In addition, Toxic love is not unconditional love, but so many people believe the former is the latter.

An even more toxic version is, “You do everything for me, but I’ll do nothing for you (except maybe hurt you).” I see that a lot, and it’s disturbing to me. Brand loyalty is similar to me because the expectation to be loyal to a brand is pushed by people who aren’t affiliated with any given product.

I know there is something different with my brain because I just don’t undrestand the ride-or-die way people get with things/products/groupsl/teams they like. I can appreciate really liking something, but if that something no longer brings me satisfaction, then it’s time to go. I have heard so many people say about teams that if you bail when things get bad, then you’re not a true fan. What’s more, you don’t deserve to celebrate when they win. Also, that it’s more meaningful if you go through all the pain with the team as they are losing.

I want to make it clear that I actually agree with the basis for this. Knowing the hard times does make the good times better. Where I disagree is with the gatekeeping. I don’t see how it takes away from a longtime fan’s enjoyment if someone who’s only followed the team for a year is elated when their team wins.

This is me for everything, though. Someone else’s enjoyment of something has no affect on my own. Just like if someone wants to play a From game “wrong”, it has no affect on how I play the games. Or if someone liked Liz Phair’s album that was deliberately made to be more commercial/mainstream/palatable, that doesn’t take away from her more experimental works. In fact, if people get hooked on the former, that may open them up to listening to the latter.


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Loyalty is a four-letter word, part six

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Yesterday, I was going to talk about why I don’t do brand loyalty when I veered into my dissatisfaction with the newest Elden Ring Tarnished DLC. I’t was only five dollars, but it should have een free. All the spoilers here–it was two new classes with base weapons from the Shadow of the Erdtree DLC, two invasions that give you a set of armour and a weapon each, and three skins for Torrent, my best boy. Unlike any other company, FromSoft does not just give you the skins–oh no. They make you work for them. I detailed all of that in yesterday’s post, and I’m still not ok with this DLC costing actual money.

Just because they’re my favorite developers, it doesn’t mean that they get a free pass.  This is something I’ve never understand–total brand loyalty. Or team loyalty. I don’t find it admirable to be loyal to something no matter what. To a person…well, to a certain extent. I am very loyal to my close friends, and I have a hard time imagining a situation in which I would walk away.

On the other hand, we are talking about less than a handful of people in that group. Other than them, I am loyal to other friends to a lesser degree. But I have walked away from friends in the past, and I could see m e doing it again.

Here’s the thing. Outside that handful of people, I don’t love anyone else to extent that I would be willing to help them bury bodies, so to speak. I listen to a content creator who makes it very clear that he considers loyalty no matter what one of the most important things in a friend. He’s got that “I’m joking, but I’m really not” tone when he talks about it.

Side note: I’m getting a bit tired of hipster whatever-ism. It just seems like a way to be able to say really shitty things with a veneer of ‘just kidding’ wrapped around it. You’re still getting to say that shitty thing with your full chest. I’m not ok with that. As someone who is besieged on all sides from the current administration of my country, I don’t need to hear the ‘jokes’ from people I’m giving money to.

Side note to the side note: I’m done with cishetwhitemen when it comes to content creation. I’m tired of it, and I need to expand my universe. So from now on, I will only watch people who are minorities and preferably in more than one way. I’ve talked about this in the past with friends. In my personal life, I am not against banging someone in that category, but they would have to be pretty exceptional. Like, really fucking (no pun intended) exceptional. I was talking to a friend who did not have much experience with people in that category, and she was all about it.

I did not blame her. She was new to the charms of men, and if I were in her shoes, I would be all up in it as well. But, for me, I’ve dated them all my life, and I was done. Not only because they exepcted certain things from Asian AFAB people, but just because…how do I put this politely…I’m tired of them.

I love the ones I know who are my friends and precious to me. But Now, I jsut do not want to seek them out. I’m pragmatic, though. I live in a state that is the vast majority white people.


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Why I’m against traditions and brand loyalty, part five

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I want to talk about brand loyalty, and I want to tie it into my musings on tradition. Will I be able to make connect them? I don’t know, but I’m sure as hell going to try. Why am I thinking about brand loyalty? Because From’s The Duskbloods is purportedly coming out soon, and I have been musing on it. Why? Because if there’s one ‘brand’ I’m loyal to, it’s FromSoft. And, this feels almost like heresy, I am starting to lose trust. But first. Here is my post from yesterday in which I talk about what traditions I eschewed when I was in my twenties.

Here me out.

I have never been the target audience for From games. I suck at them, and it takes me twice as long to finish one as it does most people. The first time through, I mean. Quickest I’ve done a playthrough is 10 hours to get the last achievement I needed to plat the game, and that was on NG+. It can be done in two hours or less, but I didn’t want to rush that much. I felt pretty accomplished doing the whole game in 10 hours when my first playthrough took 250+ hours.

I adore Elden Ring and Shadow of the Erdtree. Put together, it’s my favorite game of all time. I’m doing my umpteenth playthrough beacuse FromSoft released…uh, it’s like this. They put the game on the Switch 2. Which, fine. Put it on as many platforms as possible. In addition, thouugh, they sold the Tarnished DLC on all platforms. It was five dollars for…horse arrmor. I’m not joking. Well, I’m making a pointed joke beacuse when Bethesda sold horse armor DLC for Skyrim there was an outcry.

In this case, I forgive it because I like being able to dress uup Torrent, my beloved spirit steed. He is best boy by far, and he deserves a ‘fit or two. I’m going to spoil what’s in the DLC because it’s relevant to this post, so this is your warning.

FromSoft is in love with making things as obtuse as possible. Most devs would just give you the armor and call it a day. Not FromSoft. This is the same devs who had to show jourrnalists how to access the DLC for Dark Souls, by the way, beacuse it was so obtuse. In this case, there are three Torrent armors, and where you find each makes sense in terms of areas. However, the exact place you find two of them don’t really make sense. And in the case of the first one, it’s put in a room I hadn’t been in since my first playthrough because there was nothing in it.


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Standing tall against gatekeeping and mindless traditions, part four

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Let’s talk more about traditions and why I’m against them. In the last post, I veered sharply into waxing poetic about K because she just gets me. I marvel that in  our thirty-plus years of friendship, we’ve only vigorously argued twice. And it was for like five minutes each time. I don’t have to suppress myself when I’m around her, which is so damn refreshing.

It surprised me that we hit it off so well because quite frankly, I’m not used to that. I can make the small talk and act all polite and shit. I can make people feel like I’m their bestie when I have no interest in them whatsoever. I get the charisma from my father and the push to be the social lubricant from my mother. That sounds gross, but I don’t know quite how to put it.

Asian people put a lot of stock in face. Saving it and allowing others to save it, to be precise. There was such a heavy emphasis on face in my family, and I thought it crossed into secrecy. In other words, it went beyond what was standard and normal in Taiwanese culture and crossed into dysfunction.

My parents had a very byzantine unspoken maze of rules that they just assumed I (and my brother) would know. My mother made it quite clear what she expeced in some ways (such as me being the perfect doll daughter tha she so dreamed of), but had so many unspoken expectations that I only discoverd as I tripped over them. And  not because she would speak up about it after I bumped into them, but becauseof her negative reaction. Yes, I still had to decipher her response, but I knew it was negative. I could feel the disdain/upset/disapproval radiating from her when she was unhappy with me (which seemed to be all the time).

I was a miserable kid, and I first started wanting to die when I turned seven. Not coincidentally, that was the same time when I first realized I was going to die. I remember when I was a tweener, someone told me to enjoy that time because it was the best time of someone’s life. i remember thinking, “If this is the best it gets, then I might as well die now.” I was miserble all the time and in constant emotional pain.

Every step I took out of the norm was hard, but it was ultimately a relief. The big one I’ve talked about several times was realizing I didn’t have to have children. This was when I was twenty, and I can’t emphasize how much of a weight that lifted off my shoulders. It’s one hell of a realization to make at that age, too.


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I ain’t got time for that, part three

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I’m back to talk more about gatekeeping, traditions, and whatever else happens to be on my mind. In yesterday’s post, I talked about how once your eyes are open to something, it’s really hard to close them again.

I sometimes wondered if there was a way I could have been normal. I think about my life, and, nah. It just wasn’t in the cards for me. As young as age seven, I knew there was somtething different about me. At the time, I thought it was that my brain was broken. I felt like I never got the manual for how to be a human being. Not even a normal human being, but a human being at all. I was talking about it with A, saying I felt like an alien. She was the one who encouraged me to take an online autism test because she heard a lot from me that resonated with her (she’s autistic).

I once mentioned to K when we were in our early thirties that sometimes, I wished I could have been normal. She sighed deeply and said, “You would not have wanted that life.” She was right, but it didn’t stop me from wishing for it now and again. Not often and not for long, but when I was deep in my depression and things looked bleak.

Yeah, life would have been easier if I could have been normal. I stand by that. If I had wanted to have the married life and kids. To care about fashion and, hell, I don’t know. Cooking? Now I’m just being catty. But I could not be any less feminine if I tried. And, believe me, I have. Well, ok, if you want to go by physical attributes, I could cut my hair off and do something with my boobs. The former is reasonable; the latter is not (because I like my boobs).

K is right, though, in that I would not have wanted that life. I would have hated that life. In our conversation last night, we were talking about having kids. She has one who is now working their first post-college job. Wow. How time really flies. I mentioned how I had said to one of my Taiji classmates that I would have been a bad mother. He immediately countered me and said he thought I would have been a great mom.

K said that in our society, it was so taboo to say you’d be a bad mother (specifically. Men get a free pass on this one. Maybe not as much these days, but certainly thirty years ago, there wasn’t nearly as much pressure on men to be fathers), it was pretty messed up to not listen when someone said they would be one (a bad mother). It brought tears to my eyes, though I did not tell her that.

She has the ability to make me feel seen in a way that no one else does. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m too much for her to handle, but she’s very good with strong personalities. And, it’s not like she’s the shy and retiring type herself.

You know how you meet someone you can talk to at any time and it seems like you had just talked minutes before? That’s our relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s a day or a year. She is in my heart, and I know I ‘m in hers. We tell each other things we would not share with others, and she is the sister I’ve always wished I had.

I had no chance, really. There was nothing ‘right’ about me, and I gave up trying sometime in my late twenties. I mean, I had given up before then, but that’s when I became conscious that I really couldn’t be normal, no matter how much I try. It should have been freeing. Instead, it sunk me deeper in the depths of depression, self-loathing, and despair.

Fast-forward to me in my fifties. Not only do I know I’m not normal, I no longer have any desire to be. I know I can’t be, not even as I mask to the best of my abilities. See, I can say the platitudes necessary to pass as a normie for short periods of time. I can mask very well. I seem very empathetic, and I can get someone’s life story in five minutes, whether I want it or not.

In fact, K and I were commiserating about not liking to take Lyfts or Ubers because we get the life stories of the drivers. When she mentioned it, I couldn’t believe my ears because I thought I was the only one. We also bitched about how so many drivers burn incense as they drive. I’m allergic to every scent under the sun, and she said that she was allergic to many smells as well.

As I said, she just gets me. It’s something I really tappreciate about her, and I am so grateful to have her in my life. We met each other serendipitously (at work), and it was only because she was very persistent that we stayed friends when I left the nonprofit we worked at.

About a year into our friendship, she asked me if I wanted to be friends. I never called her, and she said she didn’t mind doing the calling–she just wanted to make sure she wasn’t bothering me. I hastily told her I was so grateful that she called me, and I was glad we were besties. I just didn’t want to intrude because at that time in my life, I felt that I was an imposition on everyone. That’s the power of being constantly put down as a child and told that I was worthless. Not told explicitly, but implied all over the place.

Once we got that settled, our friendship blossomed. We’ve been by each other’s side for over thirty years, which amazes and delights me. She really is my soulmate, and there’s a reason I call our relationship a queertonic one. She’s fine with it, and she loves the idea of the two of us heckling others in a old folks’ home when we’re in our eighties.

 

 

 

Tradition, gatekeeping, and anarchy, part two

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Let’s talk more about tradition and gatekeeping because the two go hand-in-hand much of the time. In yesterday’s post, I mentioned how much I hate gatekeeping. In music, video games, and just about anything else. That morphed into me musing about traditions and how I was mostly against them, too. Or rather, I did not mindlessly support traditions that continued just because.

Here’s something I’ve been musing about for several months. There is evidence that autistic people are significantly more likely to be trans, nonbinary, gender nonconforming. I’ve talked about it with a friend of mine who’s trans, and we both have our hypotheses as to why there is a correlation (which, need I remind you, is not causation). I think it’s because when you’re autistic, you’re already a weirdo in the eyes of others. You’re on the outside/the fringe, and already look at things differently.

I’ll speak for myself. I was a weirdo from the time I was young. I was talking to K tonight, and we agreed that one of the good things about people being more aware of mental health issues these days is that labels can help you deal with things. I’ve said that if I had known thirty years ago that I was neurodivergent, I think things would have been much different for me.

I also think that having that different point of view is what led me to question so many traditions that others took for granted. Like gender. We accepted at some point that race was as social construct, so why not gender?

One issue I have because of my neurodivergence is that I don’t see things the way normies do. And I don’t accept things that others considerable unremarkable. Like I mentioned in yesterday’s post, it started with me realizing I was bi when I was in my early twenties, followed by the revelation that I did not have to have children. Actually, it might have been the former after the latter, but they were very close together.

These were followed by me always questioning my gender in that I felt I wasn’t a woman because I didn’t do woman-centered things, and I was roundly (and soundly) chastized for it. At that time, there wasn’t any talk of gender nonconforming or nonbinary. I was just a bad woman in most people’s eyes. I felt like I was failing over and over again at something so basic.

Once I started questioning, I could not stop. I like to tell the story I walked away from Christianity when I had sex for the first time. I had been told all my life that i would go to hell if I had sex before marriage. It was an awful, terrible, sinful thing, and only bad girls did such a thing (and, yes, it was more directed at girls/women than boys/men).


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