Underneath my yellow skin

I can’t believe it’s May

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Right now, it’s 40 degrees, but it ‘feels like’ 39. On May 5th. We are nearly halfway through the year, and we’re still having frost warnings. As anyone who knows anything about me knows, I love cold weather–the colder the better. The problem is that I do not love cold mixed with hot. Going from one to the other day to day is really fucking with my inner something or the other. Not sure what, but it’s really hard on my body. Even if it’s a steady 62 degrees in the house, my body is rebelling against the wild temperature swings. I mean, it was over seventy a few days ago, and now we’re almost below forty.

I switched the thermometer to AC once or twice in the past few weeks, but then I had to put it back to the heater for the rest of the time. It’s currently on heater and I’m just leaving it there because I don’t actually turn on the AC until it’s at least 75. It used to be even higher, but I’m living a little in my old age. Actually, I only keep it that low during my Taiji and Bagua routine and then bump it back up to 76.

I would not be unhappy if we did not go over eighty for the whole summer. not only do I hate hot weather, but I hate the bugs that the hot weather brings. Ants, flies, mosquitoes, wasps, and all the other jerks that I do not want to encounter. I rarely go outside for long stretches of time because all I see are enemies. One of the few times I had an outside private lesson with my teacher two years ago in the summer, I got bitten by a wasp. It got infected, and I had to go to the doctor.

Mosquitoes love me, too. I remember playing tennis with my father when I was younger. The mosquitoes would devour me while they left him strictly alone. It didn’t matter how much I drenched myself in mosquito repellant–I would be covered with bites by the time I got home.

When I was in my early twenties, I spent two months in Taiwan–in their summer. One time, the nurse at the house (long story) gave me a ride on her motorbike. Not a motorcycle–more like a scooter. When we got home, my legs were covered with mosquito bites–and I mean covered. There were upwards of forty of them on each leg. I didn’t know for sure because I lost count. Then, an hour later, they swelled up really badly. Each was about the size of a tangerine. I probably should have gone to the doctor, but I didn’t. I was lucky that nothing bad happened (other than massive itching), but it really underscored  how much the outdoors hated me. It didn’t matter whether I like the outdoors or not because it fucking wants to kill me.


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What I like about you (tech)

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I want to talk more about knowing what you know and suddenly hitting your limits. My brother was over with his girlfriend tonight—

Side note: My brother’s girlfriend is also GF/DF, which means that I can be chill about what they’re bringing over. I don’t have to worry about my big issues, gluten and dairy. And my brother makes a killer pulled pork that he brought over. His girlfriend’s daughter had her prom, so it wsa leftovers from their dinner for her and her friends. Which was very cool.

They brought over pulled pork, potato salad from CostCo, green beans, and a raspberry lemonade water that they made themselves. Oh, and corn muffins they made. It was all really tasty, and it was a relief to be able to eat without having to worry that I might suffer from some unfortunate results.

Anyway, I told my brother what happened with Zoom, and I asked what he thought was the problem. He made a few good guesses, but neither was right. I joked with his GF that he was my last stop. I didn’t want to rely on him too often, but it was nice to have him in my back pocket, as it were. There was one time that even he did not know what the answer was, which meant the answer was not to be found.

As I said in yesterday’s post, I was really pleased with myself when I figured out what the problem was (I tried to go through the app, which I did not have. It let me actually go into the app, but it denied my audio. I could see and be seen, and I could hear, but I could not be heard. I don’t understand why, but once I realized that and went through the browser, it was fine. Or was it me restarting my computer? Either  way, it’s fixed for now. *Crosses fingers*

I don’t even know how I figured it out, really. I think it was my best guess. Ever since the last update, instead of simply clicking to join, they have two separate options–one is through the app and the other is through the browser. Even though I don’t have the app, it allowed me to join through it. I have no idea why. But it would not accept my microphone. That just annoyed me to death. Either don’t allow me to join, or patch my mike through if you’re actually going to let me through.

The thing is, I odn’t know if it’ll hold for the next class. That’s the worst part is that I can’t predict if my fix is temporary or real.

I will say that I did surprise myself by figuring it out. I was so at sea about what to do. I had tried everything I could think of. I don’t know what really triggered my brain to kick in, but I think it was looking carefully at the options. When I saw there were two, I realized that I was probably picking the wrong one.

Honestly, I didn’t know why they would allow me to choose it when I did not have the app. Maybe everyone automatically has the app, but if so, that’s pretty confusing.

I was talking with my brother and his GF about how technology is great until it’s not. His GF chimed in at the last bit, and we laughed ruefully over it. The difficulty is that when I don’t know what the actual problem is, it’s pretty difficult to Google for it. I mean, I need a basic idea of what is going awry in order to find  a solution.

We also talked about the frustrations of the shortened attention span. We are all in our fifties, and none of us liked TikTok. I had difficulty with Instagram as well, though I do have an account. I do not have a TikTok. I have not used Facebook in several months, and I deactivated my Twitter. When I get my news, I try to read it beacuse I don’t want just ten second snippets. It’s frustrating as fuck that twenty minutes is now considered unfathomably long for a video. The group I wtached (Let’s Play) can go over an hour per video, which is fine by me. Some have even been over two hours. I consider it a real treat.

I think this is a lesson I can take to real life as well. But I’m not sure how, exactly. I mean, I’m a great researcher in general. I can find shit that other people can’t. My brother and  I once worked together to find an old (in both age and length of friendship) friend of my father’s. It was my father’s boss from over thirty years ago. They had kept in touch for several decades, but my father lost the number along the way. This was from a decade or so ago. The boss, let’s call him John Johnson, did not have a Facebook and his number was not listed. My mother remembered his wife’s name (and they have a fairly unusual last name), so we looked for her. We found someone with her name on Facebook, but we weren’t sure it was his wife. We did a little more digging, and it seemed like after all our searching that it was his wife.

Oh, and we didn’t actually find a phone number. What we got was an address. My parents decided to drive over to the address to see if it was the right John Johnson. They came back about an hour later to tell us that it was. Oh, my brother is a Realtor, which helped in our search. I was proud that we could find it in less than hour, but also a little worried. Why? Because what could be found about me? I didn’t have anything embarrassing on the net, but I still did not want anyone showing up on my doorstep.

Not that I thought anyone would, but you can’t be too careful. I have done a light seaerch on myself, and I haven’t found anything too alarming or revealing. I probably should check again because it’s been a while. But, honestly, I would not expect anything other than my phone number or my address. I don’t answer my phone or someone at the door unless it’s someone who notified me ahead of time.

I’m done. I’m tired. That’s all for tonight.

 

Tech is great! Until it’s not

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There’s a saying, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” It’s trite, yes, but it’s also true. That’s not a problem in and of itself with one huge caveat–the person knows that there are limitations to what they know. Sadly, there are many people who do not know that, and many of them are in charge of this country.

Ahem.

This is not a political post, so I will leave it at that. For now. Who knows if I’ll go back to it later in the post? (Spoiler: I probably will because that’s just how i am.)

In this case, I’m using the saying because of technology. For the last two or three Saturdays not including today, my audio has not been worknig in my Taiji Zoom class. It worked fine before that, and suddenly, it wasn’t working. Thee had been an update, but it still worked past that.

The first time, I tested it while in class. While everything seemed to work, I did not hear the playback on the testing of my audio. I gave up and said I’d fix it later. I also noticed that I had two windows open accidentally. I thought maybe that was the issue. Also, maybe I had joined without audio? Because that’s a choice. I didn’t know. I did try to rejoin the meeting, but that didn’t work, either. I mean, I could see and be seen. I could hear, but I could not be heard.

I decided to call my bro before the next class, but I didn’t manage to do it. Nor did I do the basic thing you always do when something goes wrong with your computer–restart. I don’t use my laptop much these days (I have a desktop, too), and it’s difficult for me to deal with issues on it because, well, that’s just how my brain works.

For the next class, I made sure I only had one window open.  I made sure I joined with audio. It should have been fine.

It was NOT fine. Once again, I could see and be seen. I could hear, but I  could not be heard. I had no idea what was wrong because, again, it had worked just two weeks ago. And it worked after the update so it wasn’t as if the update had fucked something up.

This is why I’m thinking about technology in general. I use it a lot, but I don’t consider myself good with it, necessarily. It’s more that I know what I need to know, and if I don’t know something, I Google it. If that doesn’t work, then I call my brother. Before I Google and/or call my brother, though, there’s a period of intense frustration that I can’t figure it out by myself. I feel like since I’m decent with technology, I should be able to figure out fairly simple things. Like why my fucking aduio wouldn’t work.


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Am I talking about gender again? Kind of

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Because I live in my own little world, I often forget that most people are more fixated on gender than I am. Here is my post from two days ago (I skipped yesterday) in which I maundered about the travesty of gender roles rigidity. I’m still thinking about it because I’m still watching stuff that is tangential to Korean culture content.

One thing I find interesting about different cultures is how something that is verboten in one country is not in another. For example, in American culture, you rarely hear cis het dudes talking about how pretty/hot/cute another guy is. Even when talking about famous men who are known for their good looks (say Hugh Jackman–someone who many women find wildly attractive), most cis het men won’t talk about how hot they are. They may say the guy is handsome or good-looking, but that’s it. Or if they do say he’s hot, they have to add some version of ‘no homo’. Most of them are aware enough to know that they can’t say that exact phrase (though, distressingly, a few still do), but they say something close to it. Usually, “I’m a happily married man, but…” which is better. Still. There’s no need to qualify when you’re saying someane is hot.

That’s how I feel. I am surprised how Korean men (on YouTube, anyway) have no qualms with saying a male celebrity is cute or sexy or pretty. There’s usually no qualifier and no need to be at all apologetic. I’m assuming it’s a cultural thing because it seems to me that popular Korean celebs (at least in K-pop) have to do all kinds of wild things while in the public eye. It’s almost like they’re living in The Truman Show where they have no privacy at all. The things that their fans think they have the right to know is astonishing and a bit disturbing, actually. So it’s probably not surprising that everyone feels comfortable commenting so frequently on how hot/pretty/sexy the celeb is.

At the same time, at least in K-pop, the idols themselves are supposed to be young and pure. It’s a really interesting dichotomy that I find fascinating from afar.

I want to emphasize that I’m not saying it’s better or worse that celebrity culture in America–just different. There are positives and negatives to both. I’m just bringing it up because in relation to gender, it’s way more upfront about the sexism than is America. As someone who lives in a progressive area, sometimes, that makes it harder to deal with the isms. Why? Because they’re more hidden, but they’re still there. I just have to look for the giveaways and listen for the dog whistles.


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Gender redux; gender reflex

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One more post about gender? Yes, sadly. Here is the post from yesterday in which I talked about how I just did not feel gender at all or get it.

I was reading a question and (answers)  about gender (eh, kind of. It’s good enough for the purpose of what I want to write in this post)–well, in a way. It was a work blog, and the question was from a woman who had been at her work for sixteen months, but only recently started getting complaints about the skirts she was wearing. She stated that she was having bloating issues and did not wear tight clothing/belts that would bother her stomach (paraphrasing). She stressed that the skirts fell to just above her knee, which was acceptable at her job.

Other women wore the same kind of skirts, including her boss–the person who reprimanded her about her (the letter writer’s (LW) attire), and there were men who wore hoodies and were fine while the LW’s bare shoulders were not. She was in a customer-facing position, and she wondered if that was part of the difference. But she was frustrated, embarrassed, and did not want to have to buy a whole new wardrobe.

I want to say that this has been a left-leaning blog for as long as I’ve been reading it (which is seven or eight years, I think?) with a lot of self-proclaimed feminists. The amount of commenters who came up with an embarrassing amount of reasons why this was reasonable on the part of the boss was discouraging. Very sexist reasons, I may add. I was glad to see a few people call it out, but for the most part, the commentariat went all-in on the sexism.

Including one woman who was really ugly with it–saying older women needed to be told when they looked ugly. No, not in those exact words, but close enough. She may not have meant it, but that’s how it came across, and she doubled down on it when questioned.

What really got to me was what always happens with questions like this–the desperate search for anything other than sexism as the reason the sexist thing is happening. “She’s wearing a too-tight skirt” (despite her saying she had uncomfortable bloating and wore nothing too tight); “Maybe it’s rolling up/she doesn’t realize how it looks on her”, which got a distressing amount of similar comments, etc. “Maybe the sleeveless arms are considered unprofessional” (but not the hoodies?).

Very few of them remembered or addressed the fact that the LW had been at her current job for sixteen months, but the comments had only started recently. None of the comments took that into account, which was frustrating AF. In the year 2026, we have gone backwards with feminism, I feel. A commentor actually wrote with all their fingers that a woman not shaving her legs in America was considered “gross”. Again, in the year 2026. I haven’t shaved anything in thirty years and have never gotten any shit for it. Then again, I’m Asian. And I live in a very progressive area.


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Still thinking about gender, though I wish I weren’t

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I want to talk about gender, age, honorifics, and Asian culture for one more post. In the last post, I ended up talking about labels, toxic love, and whatever else was on my mind. Today, I’m going to continue the trend of intending to talk about one topic and ending up talking about anything but.

No, let’s get into it. Life in America is pretty hellish right now. Civil rights being slashed left and right. For all my desire not to think about/talk about gender issues, it’s really hard to escape it in this country of mine. This shitty, shitty country of mine.

While I like the Korean content I watch, I do get uncomfortable around the gender/age honorifics. Divorcing it from a specific culture, I just don’t wantthat emphasis on two things that are not meaningful to me. Also, one of them is painful to me (gender) because it’s something I’ve been fighting against for most of my life. I have talked about how I don’t want to be called something that makes me have to lie about/hide my gender every conversation.

Look. I am tired of talking about/thinking about gender in general. I really wish I didn’t have to, but in this country, it seems that–how do I put this? People are so damn fucked-up about gender. I mean, it’s always been that way, but we were slowly making progress. Then, almost in one fell swoop, we leapt back dozens of years. It’s still upsetting to me that I had more civil liberties when I was my niblings’ age(s) than they have now.

There is a part of me that says, “Just say you’re a woman. What does it matter?” It was the gender assumed for me when I was born, and it would make life infinitely easier just to go along with it. Except. I’m so stubborn. While I don’t mind lying in general, I do mind it in certain situations. And I don’t like being forced to lie. I want it to be my choice, otherwise it’s just…icky.

It’s interesting, though. I used to think I had no morality because i have no issue with lying under certain siuations. I talked about it with Ian (about how I did not have any morelas), and he said I did. It may not be the morals of the world, he said, but I definitely had morals. I thought it over for a bit, and I had to admit that he was right. I am pretty firm in my convictions; they just didn’t always (or ever) line up with the rest of the world’s.

Most of the time, I’m fine with that. I know myself, and I’m fine with being seen as a weirdo and a freak. I simply don’t care because if I tried to ‘fix’ all the things that people think are wrong with me, well I would not have time for anything else. Also, I don’t think most of them are issues at all.


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Gender-blending and blowing it all up

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In my post from yesterday, I was going to talk about gender and ended up talking about how I was a weirdo in general. Which is fine because it’sr related–somewhat. I also talked about what a disappointment the movie, Knives Out, was for me. I won’t get into all of it, but I will say that I was holding out for the ending to not be what I sussed it out to be the first time the perp walked onto the screen.

I was more offended by the fact that the director made such a big deal about pleading with the reviewers not to reveal the twist, honestly. There wass nothing in the movie that needed to be treated like it was top secret or a work of art. I wasn’t just disappointed in the movie; I actively disliked it. Except for the cast members chewing up the scenery. That was the best part of the whonle movie, even though the script was, ah, weak. (I’m trying to be polite about it.)

My point was that I have weird tastes in almost everything. It doesn’t matter if it’s pop cutlure, beliefs, ideas, or anything else. There is very little that I like that could be considered mainstream. Even if it’s popular, it’s still niche. I’m trying to think of the last thing I liked that was liked by the masses. I would have to say it’s probably Everything Everywhere All at Once, which I loved up until the very last monologue by Michelle Yeoh. Sadly, that last speech made me like the rest of the movie a lot less the more I thought about it (the speech and the movie), but it was highly enjoyable until that moment.

If I were to watch it again, I would probably just end it before the last speech. Let’s just say I felt too much of the pain at the mother’s words to distance myself from them. All that “Asian parents tell you you’re terrible out of love” bullshit is just that. I mean, maybe they feel it’s out of love or it’s being portrayed in that way, but it doesn’t feel like love to be told I’m fat, lazy, and that I nede to find a man (get over being bisexual).

There was way too much pain in hearing that speech, and it really made me not want to watch the rest of the movie again. I know I can watch it up to that point and no further, but that’s not my style. I have a hard time not watching the all of everything (one of my compulsions), and, also, to be honest, that last speech really soured me on the rest of the movie. Why? Because I feel as if the whoole message was negated by it. I mean, I  get that people don’t change that easily and that being unable to talk about your feelings are both real. And that it’s even more difficult for Asian people because of the culture.


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Living in my own bubble (re: gender)

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I have one  more post in me about gender/age, Asian culture, and why I really don’t fit anywhere. Here’s the post I wrote about it yesterday in which I talked about how society likes to say that you should be yourself, but then punishes the people who are way outside those norms. I’m not talking about in criminal/non-legal ways, either. I’m talking about people who are just weird.

Side note: Weird is a word I have used about myself regularly. To me, it’s not a negative–it’s just a statement of fact. It’s the same as ‘fat’ not being negative to me, either. It’s neutral to me, but it’s used in a negative way in American society. In a similar vein, I have reclaimed queer for myself. I know many LGBTQ+ folk don’t like it, but I like it because it means weird in the general sense. I am respectful when I talk about the group in general to use the politer ‘LGBQT+’, but if I’m talking about myself, I’m going to call me queer. That’s just the way it goes.

I will say I find it darkly amusing when I can turn a supposed negative into a positive. Back when I used to be on Twitter, I sometimes had discussions with people about pop culture. I usually wasn’t the one to start it because it’s not my interest, but I was happy to engage when asked for my opinion. I have, shall we say, nontraditional tastes in pop culture. In other words, I did not like what other people liked for the most part. I would espouse that opinion in a respectful way. I rarely said I thought something was shit–I usually phrased it as I did not like something or it wasn’t for me.

Some of the unpopular opinions I espoused: I don’t like The Beatles; I didn’t like The Big Lebowski; I don’t like The Rolling Stones; and to be frank, most of their compatriots. I think one of the last radical opinions I posted was when I was live-tweeting Knives Out (the first one). I cannot stress enough that I was really looking forward to it, and I’m being sincere. I had not been that hyped for a movie in quite some time. I adore Poirot novels, and I love a big cast of villains. In books, anyway.

I will admit I was a bit worried when I saw the trailer beacuse it was hypercuts and flashimages/video slices. That’s not my style at all, and my eyes weren’t fast enough to register what I was seeing. It’s a bias of mine that I think the flashier editing is used to cover up holes–either literal ones in the plot or visually. I was willing to give it the benefit of the doubt, though. Why? I don’t know. Because of all the big stars in it and because i really wanted an ensemble cast mystery movie.


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Wish I may, wish I might (never think about gender again)

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I am so done with gender, but it’s not done with me.

Or rather, this society isn’t done with it. Here is my post about it from yesterday and how I could deal with age-based honorifics (barely), but I just can’t with gender-based ones. I know that this happens in some European countries, too. In fact, I would not be surprised if there were as many if not more countries that do that on the regular than those that don’t.

I don’t like the way this country is going, though. It’s rolling back so many laws that protect queer people, especially trans people. I’m not trans, but I’n under the umbrella of genderfluid/queer. It’s not just the president, though he is doing his level best to destroy this country. It’s more the people who voted for him and what it says about my fellow countrypeople.

Look. I don’t have much faith in them to begin with. I never have ever since I was old enough to know about voting, democracy, and how easily it gets crushed. I have known that the country leans (topples) right and most of the media is owned by Republicans. I know I’m a freak and an outsider, and that my opinion doesn’t matter. I have voted as a Democrat since I was old enough to vote (voted third party once, but that was it), and it doesn’t matter in the least because the other side is determined to rig the race so they will–

Never mind. That’s not what this post is about, really. I mean, it’s related, but it’s not the main point. That would be that I wish gender wasn’t such a big deal in general. I really wish I never had to think of it again, but as long as this country is doing its level best to destroy me and my kin, well, I have no choice but to think of it.

As I’ve said before, I can pass. I can pretend to be a woman or at the very least not protest when others mistake me for one. And it’s not too bad a fit as long as its brief. Anything more than a few minutes, though, and it’ll start making me uncomfortable. I don’t mind lying to people I don’t have any real connection with, but I would rather not with people who matter.

Honestly, I wish I could just say gender does not matter to me and be done with it. I mean it as a truly neutral statement, but I know it would not be read that way. That’s because there are things that cannot be said in a non-snotty way. It’s simiilar to how you can’t say you don’t own/watch (a) televesion without sounding like a snob. Believe me. I know most of the thing sthat make me sound out of touch, but I still get caught now and again.


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When being a weirdo is too much

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In yesterday’s post, I was talking about how I found East Asian culture to be fascinating (if incomprehensible). I was mentioning that  I’ve been watching Korean content, and I’ve been mildly obsessed with the tradition of calling people honorifics based on age and gender. I was talking about it with my mother because it’s similar in Taiwanese culture. She is in her eighties and is called ‘big sister’ by everyone younger than she is. She did mention that her nail person (I think? Maybe it was her hair person. I’m pretty sure it was nails) liked to call her professor even though my mother told her she didn’t have to do it. I suggested it was a way for the nail technician to feel important in front of her client, and my mother indicated she agreed.

I would have a hard time in such a culture more so because of the gender-based honorifics than the age-based ones, though I do not like either. If there was a way to be  called elder without  it being gender-specific, well, I still wouldn’t like it. But I would be less bothered by it than I would be if it had a gender attached to it. In a quick Google search, I can’t find any gender-neutral elder honorifics, sadly. Not that I would ever live in one of those societies, mind.

Look. I am not saying that American society is not rife with sexism and ageism because it certainly fucking is. And it’s getting drastically worse by the day. But. And I’m not saying it’s necessarily a good thing. I can just not talk about it here because it’s not addressed every time you talk to someone. Where I live, we mostly call each other by first names. That’s it.  no honorifics and certainly no gender-based honorifics. Yes, I get called “sir” on the phone which tickles me endlessly and “ma’am” when I go into a store, which, fine whatever. But that’s it.

Though, I will say, that the last time I went to get my license renewed (2024), I could have chosen nonbinary as my gender for the first time. If I was twenty years younger, I would have done it. Maybe. But I just don’t vibe with it, unfortunately. It’s how I am with so many labels–they just don’t feel comfortable. I have reluctantly changed ‘agender’ because it’s the least bad of all the labels. That’s how I always choose labels. Here’s how I describe the label of ‘she/her’ as it pertains to me. It’s like an ill-fitting raincoat. Yeah, it’ll keep the rain out–but poorly, and I’ll be relieved to take it off when I get home.

Honestly, I don’t feel that agender fits that much better, but it’s less bad, I guess. I mean, it is because it’s gender neutral, which is what I prefer. And it’s not denying that gender exists–it’s just not important to me. It’s like I chose ‘areligious’ to describe how I feel about religion–I don’t. I don’t particularly care if god exists or not, and I’ve made my peace with it either way.


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