Underneath my yellow skin

Author Archives: Minna Hong

The (sleep) struggle continues to be real

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My struggles with sleep continue. It’s not just sleep; it’s me having trouble going to bed at a decent time. Right now, it’s five in the mornning. I should be in bed, but I’m not. I got four hours of sleep last night–which was better than I expected because I thought I’d go to bed at seven as I have been doing, and I had to get up at nine-thirty. Well, not had, but it was ideal. So you would think that I’d had tumbled into bed two or three hours ago, but nope. I did nap on and off for about two hours around one in the morning, but that was very fitful. Or rather, it was sleep for fifteen minutes; be awake for ten minutes, etc. I probably got about an hour’s worth of sleep overall, but chopped up.

I got one night of nine hours, which felt luxurious. I was hoping it would be a springboard to better sleep, but no. It was not. In fact, I got worse sleep after that. And, last night, around three in the morning, I realized it was Tuesday night and not Monday night. That’s why I had to wake up at nine-thirty. I have a standing appointment every Wednesday that should be in the early afternoon, but it can actually happen any time from early morning to late afternoon. Which means getting up way earlier than I normally do.

I keep thinking that I’ll change my habits without actually doing anything to change them. I know that’s part of my neurodivergence, but I don’t want to start using that as an excuse not to work on my issues. It’s interesting. In the Discord I’m in, there has been discussion about how more people are claiming to be autistic than before. The general tone to the discussion wast that too many people were claiming to be autistic because it’s trendy.

And, I just sighed internally. This is the same thing people always say about ‘trends’–meaning more awareness of an issue. Back when people were more aware of gluten as a thing, suddenly, so many people were supposedly going gluten-free (without really knowing what it meant). Then other people started griping on people jumping on the gluten-free train, especially servers (complaining about it). And people who were gluten-free for legit reasons were griping about it because it made them look bad/made servers not take them seriously.

The former, well, that’s just not somethin I give a shit about. It’s always been something a minority is cognizant of, but I simply don’t care. It’s not my responsibility to be the representative of all _____ (fill in the blank with anything). There have always been people in the minority who strive to be perfect so the majority can’t take any issue with them. First-gen Asians, especially, had that mind set. BLending in and getting along. That’s why we were the invisible minority for so long.

Ahem. My friend, A, suggests that I give myself a curfew for getting off the computer. She is right, and it’s a good suggestion, but my god. I am so resistant to doing that. I don’t even quite know why. I have always had a hard time going to bed, but I am unsure as to why the strong resistance to setting a curfew.

let’s see if I can tease it out.


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More about safe(r) spaces, part four

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Let’s talk more about safe(r) spaces and how organizations/conference managers can create them. In yesterday’s post, I talked about how people were willing to give creepers chance after chance, especially if they say they’re autistic. I also noted that some of the guys (and, yes, it’s usually guys) who claim to just be awkward and not know where the line is usually know not to, say, hit on their male coworker who is working on a project with them. In other words, they do know where a broad line is.

Now, let’s say that maybe they are fine until they go on a date. Then, that’s when they don’t know where to draw the line. In the case I mentioned yesterday, it was known that the guy would stop if you were brutally clear to him that what he was doing was making you uncomfortable. That allowed two of his ardent defenders in the post I was reading (and, to be clear, none of us knew the actual person this was happening to) to say that it was him being hapless/hopeless about where that line was drawn.

Women rightly pointed out that it wasn’t on all the women to constantly have to keep him in check. If he did not know where that line was, then he should not be dating. No one has the right to date anyone they please, and it’s so tiring to constantly have to state no loudly and firmly.  (that’s part of what enthusiastic consent is about. You want the buy in before you even start doing the activity).

Side note: when the idea of enthusiastic consent came about, some people were pooh-poohing it, and one reason they stated was because it would take the spontaneity and fun out of sex. I thought it was really telling that people objected on those lines, by the way. To me, what I heard was, “I want plausible deniability when I push this woman to do something she doesn’t really want to do” or even worse, “I don’t care if you consent or not. I’m getting what I want.”

Plausible deniability is where many creeps reside. They know how to push up against the line juuuuuust enough to test the waters without going firmly over the line. It really is a no-win siutation for the woman*. She’s supposed to be nice to any random guy who is around her, making sure not to upset his delicate ego. She must smile and be nonthreatening, being more of a visual accessoryldecoration than anything else else.

If a guy creeps on her, then she either had to give him a chance beacuse he’s such a nice guy! Why would she not go out with him? Or she had to turn him down so gently, he wasn’t hurt at all.

If that failed or if she went on the date and something bad happened, then it’s, “Why did you go out with him?” “Why did you wear that slinky dress?” “Why didn’t you fight?” The Monday morning quarterbacking went on and on and on. She was a cold bitch if she wouldn’t go out with him; she was a slut/dumb/naive if she did go out with him and something happened.

You know who often gets hurt by creeps who claim to be autistic? Neurodivergent women/Afab/nonbinary/genderqueer people. Because one thing creeps have in common is that they have an uncanny knack (or a skill honed over years)  for picking on people who are weaker than they are/have less societal clout than they do. People who will not be believed or who society don’t care about.

I was getting so angry at these two defenders who put so much energy into protecting this one guy who was probably a creep rather than his potential victims. The defenders kept harping on the fact that he might be being bullied/this was “just” a dating problem. Meaning he should not be “punished” in any other way (like being pre-banned from a hobby group). They say punished, I say the natural consequences of his actions. People are allowed to take his history of behavior into consideration when evaluating a person’s behavior. Otherwise, we would always have to wipe our memory clean.

I agree that there should be a policy in place to deal with future creeps, but I also think that not allowing this guy to participate in the hobby group in the first place was reasonable. This is how Missing Stairs are created–when creeps are allowed to keep on creeping regardless of how uncomfortable they make other people. Or unsafe.

The two enablers kept harping on how it wasn’t faaaair to make a neurodivergent guy not be a creeper. Of course they didn’t phrase it like that, but that’s what it came down to. They downplayed all the incidents reported and were flailing their arms about wailing, “How could he possibly knooooooow?”

Again, I must repeat that I was glad a few people said that he truly did not know where the line was, then he should not be playing the game at all. Meaning, if he was consistently fucking up when it came to dating, then he should not be dating.

I have zero sympathy for this guy because to me, there is enough evidence that he was creep. Which leads me to another–

Side note: You can be neurodivergent AND an asshole. My tagline for FB used to be, “Being a minority and being an asshole are not mutually exclusive.” Meaning you can be a minority AND a raging jerk! Or a creep. In fact, I would argue it’s more ableist to excuse every behavior as, “Aw, he can’t help it. He’s autistic!” than saying, “Everything wrong with him is because he’s autistic.”

I mean, what if I were to say, “I’m autistic so if someone touches me when I don’t want it/don’t expect it, I have to punch them in the face in return”? Would that be acceptable? Nope. It’s not even acceptable to sternly turn down a guy, let alone punch one.

Saying it’s just bad dating behavior as if that was enough of a silo to allow him to act however he wanted inn other situations show how much we devalue women. Or think that the mistreatment of women by the men they’re dating is more than acceptable. None of that behavior should be acceptable in any situation. And, honestly, if a guy a creeper jerk towards the women he dates, then I would not have him around in the office.

That’s all for now. More tomorrow.

 

 

*Usually a woman or someone who is perceived as a woman being creeped on.

How to make spaces safe(r), part three

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Let’s talk more about safe spaces. Let me start by saying no space can truly be completely safe and that shouldn’t be the aim. It should be to make the space as safe as it can be for the most amount of people. In yesterday’s post, I spent two-thirds of it in a footnote about religion. I guess that’s what was really on my mind so I gave into it.

I want to talk more about how to create a safe space. Oh, I also talked about how thirty years ago, I was involved in theater with people (women) who were interested in creating safe spaces for performers. Maybe it wasn’t phrased that way, but that’s definitely how the women in charge handled it.

I was appreciative of it because I was a hot mess back then. I still am, but in a different way. Back then, I was doing one-person performances at difference festivals events. It was for minimal or no money because funds were tight in the arts back then. I mean, they always are so that’s just a given. I was truly doing it for the love of it and because it made me feel alive. Getting and stage and performing something I had written and directed? Nothing could beat that feeling.

Each performance was three to five minutes, and it took me three months to write, memorize, stage, and practice each one. Well, to be fair, the first month was me running around avoiding thinking about it at all. The second month was me panicking and writing frantically. There was a lot of creating going on. The third month was when I really buckled down and did my thing. I always worried about getting it done in time, but I always did. I made more than a few mistakes (once a rather big one), but I still consider all of tehm successes.

The one I mentioned was for Dyke Night, and the only stipulation at that time to attend was that you considered yourself a woman. I’d like to think that would expand to genderqueer people and agender people nowadays, but I haven’t kept up with them in decades so I could not tell you for sure.

Side note: I haaaaaaaaaate ‘but what if he’s autistic’ as an excuse for creepy men. Any time there’s a question of a man creeping on a woman/women/anyone else he wants to creep on, the first thing people ask is, “Is he autistic?” “Maybe he just’s just awkward.” I’m saying this as someone who’s neurodivergent myself. Fuck that shit. The end.

Not the end, but that’s my automatic first thought. That along with an eye roll. Even when there’s evidence that the guy (and, yes, this is usually a guy thing because other genders aren’t afforded the same grace) is sexually harassing other people (mostly women), people make tons of excuses. What’s worse is now some people view “he’s autistic” as a get-out-of-jail-free card, even when there’s plenty of evidence that the guy is being creepy.

I was reading about a guy who ‘might be autistic’ being banned by a hobby group is several locations. Some who led a hobby group that was in a building he had been banned in, but no longer was (as in the ban just expired), had an employee saying they would quit if the guy wasn’t pre-banned. This guy had yet to show up at this particular hobby group, so the person who was talking about it thought it was premature and was, quite frankly, way too biased in favor of the guy.


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More about (not-so) safe spaces, part two

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Let’s talk more about safe spaces and why it’s so hard to make a space even minimally space. Well, it’s not hard, per se, but it’s difficult. I’ll explain more in a bit.

In yesterday’s post, I was talking about how it’s much harder to establish a safe space than it was to have a base tolerance for diversity. Back in the aughts when the question of queer rights became more visible, I was more on the side of tolerance rather than acceptantce because you can’t really mandate feelings and because tolerance is a much lower bar to clear. As to the question of legality, I would much rather get a law pass with the straights hating it but following it than waiting until they accept/are positive on it.

I still hold that to be true of laws because we need our legal rights protected (as we see now that they’re getting repealed and rolled back left and right), but it’s different when it comes to safe spaces. This is supposed to be a place where we’re not merely tolerated, but embraced and meant to feel included.

Side note: There is a robust debate about inclusivity versus diversity, and I do not want to get into that in this post. For the purpose of this post, I will just say that I do think both are important and  leave it at that.

Back to safe spaces.

I haven’t been involved in any community lately that has explicitly stated it’s a safe space with specific parameters. I think it’s easy at the very top level. No isms allowed. Easy-peasy. Until you drill down into what that actually means. Obviously, no overt racism, sexism, queerphobia, gender hatred, religious intolerance*, etc.


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What makes a space safe (or not)

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In the last decade or so, there has been an awareness that when you get groups of people together, there will be shitty people who need rules to keep them acting right–or to kick them out if need be. I mean, this has always been true because people are going to people. There are shitty people everywhere, and if you let them act up–they are going to act the fuck up.

Side Note (Yes this early!): I have gotten into several debates over tolerance versus acceptance. I am for tolerance because that’s much easier to achieve than acceptance and because quite frankly, I don’t have a high opinion of people. It takes a lot to change people’s hearts; it’s much easier to change their behavior.

In general, I still hold to tolerance over acceptance. I mean, you don’t have to like me, but you have to treat me like a human being. However, when it comes to safe spaces, that’s a whole different kettle of fish.

When I was in my twenties, I had just discovered that I was attracted to women as well as men. Now, I would amend that to I’m attracted to people of all, any, or no gender. Anyway. I got involved in queer theater and in Asian theater (sadly, separate) and in the former, there was a woman-only performance festival that I participated in. It was clearly stated that it was for women only. People who identified as women, I mean. Which I did at the time. Trans women were included under that umbrella. This was before nonbinary became a known gender, but I would like to think they would have been included. Agender like me? I don’t know beacuse we never get mentioned/thoughht of.

Anyway, it was really cool to perform in front of women only, and I stripped down to my panties by the end of my performance. There’s no way I would have done that in front of men at that age. Hell, I probably wouldn’t do it now in front of men, but for different reasons.

That was a safe space before it was really a thing, and I was very glad to have that opportunity. I felt secure and safe in performing a risque performance under those circumstances. Hell, I probably could have and should have taken off my panties as well (I was using pieces of clothing as different parts of my identity) without feeling threatened.

My issue with safe spaces is that it’s often just a sign and a list of printed rules, and that’s the extent of keeping the space safe. That’s not nearly enough. You have to actually enforce the rules on a consistent basis or they don’t mean shit. This is not rocket science, but it’s hard to do on a regular basis–especially in online forums.

What I have found is that when you leave it to the people in the forum/channel/convention to enforce the rules, it’s not going to happen. Why? Because one, they don’t have the authority. More importantly, though, you can’t really police an equal if you don’t have anyone backing you up.


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The wind and the fury

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I have so much fury that I am constantly reining in. The rage is simmering just below the surface. Or rather, it’s several levels deep because I try not to let it out. But it’s there. I’m very aware it’s there, and ever since my medical crisis, I’ve been struggling to keep it under control. I like to say that the infamous line by the Hulk, “That’s my secret Cap; I’m always angry” as he morphs from Bruce Banner into the Hulk is my tagline.

God. I watched a longer clip than the one I included above, and what a wretched movie that was. That’s the only line I remember or liked. But this one line and the way Bruce Banner smiles wryly before getting serious and transforming has stuck in my head ever since. It just hit me right where I live, and I’ve embraced it ever since.

Side note: Americans aren’t comfortable with anger, especially in women/AFAB people. There’s this eagerness to glide right by it as if it didn’t exist. In tandem, there’s an expectation that if someone wrongs you in any way, you will immediately forgive them as soon as they ask. And, sometimes in some contexts, before they even apologize.

I have my issues with the word forgiveness, which I have gone over several times. As that’s not what the post is about, I’ll move past it with great difficulty. (I don’t believe in forgiveness. That’s the TL;DR version of what I want to say.) I will say that anger was a very useful tool in geeting past some traumas, and I hate the fact that American society wants to deny that.

Thinks.

Debates.

Deep breath.

Let’s it go.

Forgiveness benefits the forgiven/perp, not the forgiver/victim. Especially as the way it’s done in this society and the religious taint associated with the concept. (And, yes, I use the word taint deliberately. Not in the vulgar slang sense, but in the actual meaning of the word. I want the negative meaning to shine through.)

Someone trangresses and confesses (because they got found out). They and/or their church immediately pressure the victim to forgive so ostentible everyone can forget and move on. THis is to the perp’s advantage, by teh way, because they are the ones who want the transgression to be forgotten. I’m talking about high profile transgressors, but it happens in less public occasions as well.

I don’t know when this happened, but there’s been a shift in Christianity that made it the burden of the victim to forgive their transgressor the second the latter asked for forgiveness. I mean, Christianity has always been on the side of the transgressor–


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Big braining and small braining, part three/seven

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Let’s talk more about how I brain–or don’t. One of the most frustrating things is to be told not to worry/be anxious, etc. Or to be told that it doesn’t help. Of course it doesn’t! I already know that. I try not to talk about my anxiety because I know it doesn’t help, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. I hide it better than most, but it’s still pretty bad.

I noted that when I had my medical crisis, I came out of it with my depression down by 90% and my anxiety down by about 60%. Now, it’s because up to depression about 80% of what I used to have and my anxiety is about 90%. I’m talking of the original depression and anxiety. Granted, it’s still down from what it used to be, but it’s still not great.

It’s so frustrating to know that much of my problem is (literally and figuratively) in my head. I am am used to thinking my way out of my problems, and I can’t do that when my brain is the  problem in the first place.

Side note: I have been working on my Taiji/Bagua routine. I have it somewhat hammered out in that I do all the Taiji stretches/warmups every day. I also do one section of the Taiji Solo (Long Form) every day. In addition, I do the Swimming Dragon Form (left side or right side) every day. All of these are easy and gentle, which is why I can do them every day. Before, I had all my weapons rotating on a weekly basis. This was fine when I only knew a few weapon forms. Now, though, I know…let’s count them. Sword Form (left and right); Saber Form (left and right); Cane Form (left and right); Cane Form with Saber (left and right); Double Saber Form (right); Double Fan Form (right); Fan Form (right); and I’m learning the Bagua Knife Form (right). I’m almost done with it; I’m hoping to finish it in a month or two. I also do a staff/spear set that is not a form. I’m hoping my teacher can teach me the two-person forms for the staff/spear–they’re all very short. Or the two-person form.

I want to work on Push Hands (which is the basis for the two-person form. I’ll write more about that later.

Back to the weapon forms. I was doing the forms a varying amount of times a week. The Double Fan Form I do every day as it’s my newest form, and I want to make sure it gets in my body. Plus, I’ll be doing it for the next demo, so I want to have it down.

When I knew four or five weapon forms, it was fine to practice them all every week. I did one a day, and I was good to go. Now, though, it’s overwhelming. The whole routine takes up to two hours, and that’s too much. I was starting to hate practicing my weapons. Or rather, not hate, but dread. That’s when I needed a change.


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The hidden costs of my way of braining, part…two/six

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I want to talk more about my brain and how it works, but also how I have to constantly monitor what I say. In the prior post about the former, I was talking about how fringe I am, even in places where I feel mostly welcome. In the latter category, in yesterday’s post, I mentioned how I have to constantly figure out what Ican say to normies and what I can’t.

Side note: Because I’m usually extremely good at reading the room, it really bugs me when I fuck  up. Quite plainly, it’s part of my anxiety and how I try to control my environment.

Side note to the side note: I see it in my mother, and it’s so clear how she tries to control her anxiety by endlessly spinning out over what might happen. She tries to plan for every little thing that could possibly happen in a vain attempt to make sure nothing bad happened. I do the same, but iI do it inwardly and not outwardly. That’s one reason it’s so hard for me to listen to her–it echoes the voice in my head.

I know that other people aren’t thinking about me as much as I’m thinking about myself. However. I also know that people notice me because I stand out like a sore thumb. I’m Asian an a very white area, and I just have a distinct look. I wear all black, have a funky pair of glasses, and my hair (that I wear up in a high pony and halfway braid) reaches my waist (when done up). And I have huge boobs. Believe me–I don’t fade into the background.

You know that The Hulk quote, “That’s my secret, Cap. I’m always angry.” That’s me. I’m always angry. Before my medical crisis, I was able to keep in in control except on rare occasion. Now, I have a much harder time modulating it. I would add, “I’m always anxious” to that. Anxious about being outed as a weirdo. Or rather, as being super weird. I thin kit’s fairly obvious just by looking at me that I’m not normal.

You know what? I’m not sure that’s true any longer. Now that I’m middle-aged, maybe I can get more of a pass. I still have huge tits, though. And I still have people talking to me when there’s no need for that.

*Restrains urge to go off on a thousand-word rant about charisma*

This is how my brain works, by the way. Me going on tangent after tangent until there’s no main path any longer. I’m used to it by now, but I’m still slightly amused when I start veering wildly off path. I promise you that I fully intend to write what I initially thought about in my mind. It’s just that so many things are interconnected to me, I can’t stick with just one.

At least now I know why that is rather than when I was a kid and just thought my mind was haywired. Well, to be fair, at first, I thought everyone thought the way I did. I mean, it was so clear in my head, why wouldn’t it be clear to others as well?


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What I think versus what I say

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I have spent a lifetime figuring out what is ok to say in polite society and what isn’t. That doesn’t mean I always say the safe and bland thing, though. Sometimes, I say the ruder/more honest thing on purpose, and sometimes, it’s because I did not draw the right line. And, sometimes, I’m so tense about saying/doing the right thing that I just blurt out the first thing that enters my mind. Or do whatever my brain tells me to do. Thankfully, it’s never inappropriate–it’s just sometimes very awkward. And embarrassing. But I’m used to that.

I have a running track in my head that tells me what I’m saying is wrong, stupid, and I should just shut the hell up. That’s on a bad day. On a good day, the voice is calmer and not saying the mean words, but it’s basically the same message. “Dear, is that really what you want to say?”, “Maybe you should say that in a different way.”, and the like.

The track was installed by my parents when I was very young, and while I’m getting better at dampening it, it’s still there. It doesn’t help that I’m hard to understand when I’m not styling myself for normies to listen to me.

There are several reasons for this. One is that I think very differently than others do. And I think in very complex and, yes, convoluted ways. That’s part and parcel in having a broken brain. I see connections that other people don’t, and I can’t explain them to my satisfaction. I’ve told this story over and over again.

I once was talking to my then-therapist about how frustrating it was when I could not explain something to someone to make them understand what I was trying to say. In my mind, it was my fault because I could not find the right words. She said, “It’s because you think at a level five while they think at a level one or two.” She told me that they literally could not understand what I was saying, and that it wasn’t because I could not find the right words.

It was a relief to be released from the burden of trying to find the right words. I still tend to err on the side of me thinking I’m not saying the right words, but I have found some relief in the idea that maybe it’s not me.

See, this is one of the issues with being neurodivergent–I always assume it’s my fault. Before I knew I was neurodivergent, I just assumed that my brain was broken, and I was a weirdo. I mean, the latter is true, but the former is…not true in the way I used to think it was. It doesn’t mean I monitor what I say any less, but at least I’m cognizant of why I’m doing it.

It felt treacherous when I was younger to say what I really thought. I’ve done a lot of work to figure out what the ‘right’ thing to say is and what the ‘wrong’ thing to say is. In addition, I have been programmed to always put others feelings first, which makes it difficult for me to voice my opinion.


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The way my brain works (or not), part five

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I want to talk more about my brain, neurodivergence, and the constant masking I do. And why I don’t want to have a/any romantic relationship(s). At least, that’s the plan. As I have shown over and over again, I don’t always stick to the script. In yesterday’s post, I wrote about autism and how the stereotypes of who had it prevented me from seeenig it in myself for decades.

I got a decent amount of sleep last night. In fact, more than decent. Nine hours in total! That’s almost unheard of for me. Now, I’m exhausted. I always feel more tired after getting good sleep than before it. It’s because my body realizes how sleep deprived I am and then demands more. Before that, it kind of grits its teeth (stay with me) and just deals with it because it thinks it has no other choice. Once it become cognizant that I actually have a choice about how much I sleep (to a certain extent), it wants more. I don’t blame it, mind. I just find it hard when I actually do right by it that it then wants more.

I’m a bit down. I was talking about the channel of the Discord I’m in that is a chill place to hang out. Today, I was reminded of how I was still an outsider in several ways. One is because the Americans in the British-centric Discord have been talking about having an American get-together. I don’t think I’d be comfortable attending because of my immune system  issues, but I was interested in hearing about it. We all suggested places, and my contribution was Chicago. Several people suggested Southern cities, and that was when I knew that it was not for me.

I’m not going south of the Mason-Dixon line (and yes, I chose that for a specific reason). In 2026 with all that’s been going on, I’m just not. I mean, look, my own city/state has been iffy, but that wasn’t our fault. Let’s not forget that we were invaded and besieged by our own government half a year ago.

As a Taiwanese American bisexual agender person who is old and tired, I’m not going to the south. I’m just not. They are enacting a raft of anty-queer laws AND anti- immigrants laaws, and I don’t feel safe going to, say, Nashville. I don’t care that it’s a major city–it’s still in the Deep South that is DEEPLY hostile to people like me.

I don’t want to be the one to bring it up and make everyone feel bad, but I also resent the fact that I have to be the one to bring it up. Yes, I know that’s part of being a minority of the minority in a group, but that’s one of the reason it’s such a fucking drag to be a minority.

I haven’t brought it up because it’s all theoretical right now. We’re talking about ‘oh, wouldn’t it be cool to do this?’, which is far away from having an actual plan, not to mention an actual date. And, as I said, the chance that I will actually go is slim. But if it’s in the south, the chance of me going is zero. I just will not go. I am not willing to put myself in that position nor the discomfort it would elicit from me.

I hate that I have to think about this and weigh my discomfort at bringing it up with my discomfort of actually going to the south. I will say that I’ve always been chary of going to the south, but now, I just won’t do it. That’s not even a question in my own mind.


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