Underneath my yellow skin

Category Archives: Gender Issues

Dating, sex, and tech, part seven

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Apparently, I have more to say about dating, sex, and tech. Techs in the city? Text in the city? Oh, wait. It’s Sex AND the City. Whatever. I never watched the showl/movie?/whatever, anyway. This is my post from yesterday in which I talk about what I thought was going to happen in my life versus what I really wanted to happen in my life.

Today, I had my Taiji Zoom class. It’s in the basement of a church that is like a concrete bunker. My teacher uses a headset so we online can hear her. Without fail, at some point, the connection goes out. We may be able to see her, but we can’t hear her. Or vice-versa. This is usually when she switches from using her headset to not using it, which she does after ne do meditation. She takes off the headset during meditation, which makes sense. For whatever reason, when plugging the headset back in, it totally disconnects her from the internet.

Sometimes, it’s because she accidentally hits a button on her headset. Other times, who knows? Tech is going to tech.

I will say on my end, I had a few months of frustration with my audio when attending the Zoom classes. It was after a Zoom update, of course. I fucking hate updates because for every positive update, there’s two to three unintended negative consequences. Also, I really don’t need updates every month. Maybe keep it to once a quarter.

Of course I want my computer to run as smoothly as possible, but I hate it when the negatives outweighs the positives. And it’s often the case of , “How the fuck do I return this to the way it was? Fuck if I know!”

By the way, I’m playing a game called, Birdigo, by John August and Corey Martin. They say it’s inspired by Wordle and Balatro; it’s simple and addictive. However, it would not accept the word ‘fuck’, which made me lift an eyebrow. Really? ‘Fuck’ isn’t in the dictionary? I was very disappointed by that.

Anyway, back to my computer issues. Suddenly, after a Zoom update, my audio did not work in Zoom. It worked just fine the week before. I fiddled with my settings, and they said that they could hear me, but I was extremely quiet.

The next week, I realized that I was somehow had two Zooms open. One was the app and one was the in-browser Normally, I used the in-browser, but it didn’t automatically come up like it used to. Now, it was the app that came up, but I didn’t use the app. Therefore, there was no audio through the app. The audio would only come through the browser.

This took two sessions to figure out. I checked it after class, and it was correct. I had no idea why the app was opening since I did not use the app and did not want to use the app. I only used the browser, but Zoom didn’t like that. It wanted me to use the app, probably so it could get my details.


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Sexy times in my future? (Part three)

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Sex. Dating. I have more thoughts on this, but before I get there, I want to touch a bit more on technology and when it doesn’t work. Facebook rolled out the encryption in chat thing, and because I cleared my cache, it now won’t recognize me in one specific chat–the only one I use on a regular basis. (With my bestie, K.) I did what I could to try to access the almost year’s worth of messages I can’t get, including ones from this week, but in the end, I gave up.

I followed all the tutorials telling me how to get it. I finally was able to use the code to get into the chat, and a portion of the messages were still missing. That’s when I realized that it wsas Meta being Meta (ughhhhhhhh), so I mentally  shrugged and moved on. I was still irritated, mind, but what could I do about it?

Back to dating. Here’s my post from yesterday in which I talk about dating–and technology.

I am flummoxed when it comes to dating because gender is such an anathema to me. Being queer, many of the hetero norms just don’t matter to me. I mean, they probably wouldn’t even if I were straight, but they’re truly meaningless. When you have two people (or more) of the same gender (or different varying genders), the old rules for hets don’t make any sense. In fact, when you look at the norms through queer lenses, so many of them fall by the wayside.

As a girl/woman, I heard the following: “Don’t ask a boy out. Let him do the asking.” “Let the guy pay.” “Don’t ever beat a guy in–” well, anything, really. So many of the rules for women were to make yourself as small as possible and not take up any noticeable room. Cater to the guy’s needs/desires/sensibilities, and don’t you dare have any needs of your own.

Don’t be high maintenance. Don’t be needy. Don’t eat anything too _________ fill in the blank with anything but salad. Oh, and don’t offer to pay. Apparently, that’s emasculating.

It all boiled down to, “Be a living, breathing doll who has no opinions of her own.”

Even if I could do all that (and I couldn’t), why the fuck would I want to? I read The Rules when it came out because I wanted a laugh. Instead, I was horrified by how antiquated the advice was (and it was a runaway best seller), and the last sentence sent a chill down my spine. It was something like, “And the rules don’t end once you get married because you have to put in the work to keep the man who’s biggest benefit is that he’s breathing.” That’s paraphrased, yes, but it was that sentiment.

I remember thinking, “Oh, great. I never get a breather?”

By the way, when the next edition or the sequel came out, there was a note stating that one of the authors got a divorce. That made me laugh uproariously as I admired her chutpah.


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Last day of May–and more about labels, part eight

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Let’s talk more about labels and sexism. Oh, that wasn’t what we were talking about? Oh well. It’s what I want to talk about now. In the Discord I’m in, there was a discussion about boycotts and calling out actors for problematic ideas/behavior. This isn’t the first time this convo has happened, and I heave a sigh every time it comes up.

Here’s why. I don’t think cancel culture is a thing, first of all. If it were, then there would be waaaaaaaaay less abusers in pop culture. I mean, look at Harvey Weinstein. And Rupert Murdoch. And Matt Lauer. And, and, and….I could go  on for hours listing men who were known abusers and weren’t stopped. Hell, they were enabled, encouraged, and coddled. Let’s not forget the most famous of them all, Jeffrey Epstein. No, he wasn’t strictly Hollywood, but I can guarantee that there were many men in Hollywood who were visitors of Epstein’s island back when it was in operation.

Here’s the argument: No one is perfect and for everyone who is targeted for bad behavior/thoughts, there are hundreds of others like him. In this case, it was Henry Cavill and what he said during the MeToo movement. Some people want him in the Elden Ring movie. Other people pointed out his gross ideas, and, apparently, he’s a jerk to people he considers under him at work.

I have not liked him since his MeToo comments, but I don’t mention it because, quite frankly, I’m just tired. Plus, I’ve never really liked him nor do I find him attractive. He’s another I can see why others found him attractive, but he just did nothing for me. Once he stated his repugnant ideas during MeToo, he became waaaaaay less  attractive, even visually.

More to the point, he sounded as if he was in his eighties as he droned on and on about the days when men were men and women were fish to be caught. Women knew their place, damn it! They were to be chased and wooed. He actually said that, and I had to look at the year again and how old he was.

Besides the grossness of what he said, I was struck by how gender rigid his ideas were. Again, I thought they were fading away, but sadly, there seem to be many people who still believe that bullshit. Which is yet another reason I have no use for gender. I didn’t see why I should have to sit home at demurely tending to my knitting while I waited in vain for that special boy to muster up his courage and ask me out.

Why the hell shouldn’t I ask someone out? Also, being queer really underscores how silly all that is because with two people of the same gender, someone has to make the first move. But, that’s why people ask who the man and women are in the relationship. Because they can’t fathom anything other than the standard (and tired) heterosexual gender roles.

A few years ago, I was in a forum where a single woman asked if single women could be friends with married men. Most people (mostly women) said it was alright as long as–and then they listed a bunch of rules. Like only going out with both of them, not talknig about the man’s relationship with him, and other things like tthat. Most of them were assuming that they became friends after the man got married, by the way. I don’t think that matters, but that’s what they assumed.

This was last year or the year before at the earliest, so we’re talking about recent. We’re not talking about when I was in my twenties, thirties, or even forties. This was the mentality when I was in my twenties, and I had hoped it would get better by now. Sigh.

There were a few who said it didn’t matter the gender and there should be no different rules. This is where I stand. I have two besties, one man and one woman (the latter is more like me in that gender isn’t that important to her). I don’t treat them any differently based on their genders. I talk about the same kind of things. The differences are because of the interest they have, not because of their genders.

I’ve talked about both of their romantic relationships with them. I’ve talked about sex with both of them. I think both are very attractive people. I consider them both to be cloner than friends, but not romantic partners. And I don’t think I need to set any restrictions with one or the other based on their gender.

I distinctly remember one woman going on a rant about how men and women could not be friends and how nonbinary people didn’t count because something something terribly queerphobic. She said that in her marriage, her husband didn’t have any female friends because SHE WAS THE QUEEN AND WHAT WOULD HE NEED ANY OTHER WOMAN FOR?! She actually capped something in her screed, and it was really cringeworthy.

I mean, how terribly sad and insecure she must be to cut her husband off from more than half the population. There were fa few other women in that forum who’ve said that they don’t personally have male friends becaause they found it too much trouble (as married women). I don’t get it, but that’s not offensive. because of course, they can do wahtever they want with their own lives.

It’s jsut the dismissive attitude that no men and women can be friends that chaps my hide. Plus, how terribly narrow-minded of that person to think that just because SHE can’t be friends with any single man, it means that no one can.

One of my (male) exes once said that every male friend I had wanted to sleep with me. It was certainly true of him, but it’s not true in general. I have had several male friends who have not wanted to sleep with me and a few female friends who would have been happy to warm my bed.

Back to the antiquated idea that men and women can’t be friends. It’s bullshit.

Heh. I think that’s all I really need to say about that, but I do have a few more tihngs to say. I have always had friends of all different genders. I like people based on their personalty first and foremost. I don’t really care about their bits unless I’m going to be handling said bits and I only care then so I know how they want me to handle their bits. I like all bits! I’m an equal opportunity bit-handler.

I don’t know why it scares/angers some people so much–the idea that people of all and any genders can be friends. Well, actually, I do. It’s the same reason some women got so mad at me when I was in my twenties for not having/not wanting to have children. It’s beacuse it shakes up the status quo and makes them questions their own decisions.

Well that went in a wild direction. More tomorrow.

 

Labels and dating, part seven

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I’m back! And this time I am definitely going to talk about dating and labels. For sure. I am not going to veer off onto another topic and talk about that for over a thousand words. That is not like me at all, and I won’t deviate from the path at all in this post, either.

In the last post, I actually touched on dating, which was what I’ve wanted to talk about for the past few posts. If I were in my ideal world, this is the ad I would write. “I”m looking for a fuck buddy or three. Hit me up if you’re interested.”

That’s the basic gist of what I want, but, of course, we don’t live in an ideal world so I have to qualify that statement to get closer to what I really want. First of all, no Republicans. That is still my unberakable will not tolerate. Even more so now than when I dated thirty years ago, just no. Anyone who is a Republican in this day and age is on the wrong side of history. There is no moderation in today’s Republican Party. They are trying to destroy me and my kin; why the hell would I want to be a part of that?

Back when Marriage Equality was being debated, some Republicans were clutching their pearls and bleating about how uncivilized the queers were being in what they (we) said. “Why can’t we be civil about this?” They would say in earnest.

Because, motherfuckers, there’s nothing civil about trying to classify me as not a human being deserving of basic human rights. Our words may be uncivil, but your beliefs are worse. Besides, it’s not as if they would listen to us if we just used nicer words. Believe me, I’ve being fighting this fight for thirty years along with several other concerning civil rights. We are in danger of losing many of the rights we have gained over the last few decades, which breaks my heart.

And it’s made me draw a hard line in the sand. If you’re part of the current Republican Party, then you’re actively against me as a human being with equal rights to you. I do not have to date that if I don’t want to, and I most definitely do not want to.

By the way, the ‘both sides are bad’ people irritate the fuck out of me, too. No, both sides are not equally bad. I’m not saying either side is particularly great, but there is one side that is actively trying to strip me of my civil rights. There is one party that was behind the occupation of Minneapolis and the  terror it wrought on my home state.

This is something I touched on previous posts. When it comes to dating, people are allowed to be as discriminatory as possible. In fact, it always makes me chuckle  darkly when people tell me I have to give someone a chance. Interestingly, men usually say it with the belief that women and perceived women don’t have the right to turn down anyone who shows interest in them. The woman should be flattered! Especially when she’s not conventionally attractive.

The women who used to tell me I should give any guy a shot were coming at it from a different point of view–that any man was better than none. But they also believed that any man who had the courage to ask me out deserved a chance. “You never know!”


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Labels, labels, labels everywhere (part three)

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I want to talk more about gender identity, sexual orientation, and dating. And labels. Maybe. It’s been at the forefront of my mind for several reasons. I mentioned in the last post a few times when it was helpful to have labels (mostly with health issues), and I am not going to muse whether or not it’s helpful in dating.

I will say I don’t like the labels I’ve chosen for my sexual and gender identities. They are both the least worst of the bad, and I’m not satisfied with either. Bisexual and agender, by the way. I’ve had the former label for over thirty years, and it has never sat right with me. I like queer the best, but it now is synonymous with gay. I’m not happy about it, but it’s not a fight I’m up for fighting.

Same with genderqueer. I really like it as a descriptor for not being on the binary in the fullest sense of the term. But now it means nonbinary in the same way queer means gay.

Sigh.

I’m irritated with myself for always making life so difficult. This is part of being neurodivergent, too, though. I’ve read that people who are neurodivergent often feel the need to be really explicit and on point with their words. I can attest that this is me, and it’s annoying as fuck. Even to me when it’s me doing it.

I overexplain things and belabor the point until the other person is ready to scream. I can see the shift on their face (or hear it in their message), and yet, it takes a Herculean effort for me to shut the fuck up. The person I’m talking to doesn’t need a twenty-page backstory to every idea I want to present. When I found out this was a thing with autistic people, I felt validated.

Another thing is that everything is related in my brain. I can’t tell a story without bringing in what others would consider extraneous information and tidbits. When I talked to my autistic friend about it, she was in enthusiastic agreement that her brain worked that way, too. It’s one reason we can have comfortable conversations (in messages). We can pepper in as many non sequiturs as we want without worrying. And if one of us goes really far down a weird road, the other will bring the first person back again.

Or not. Sometimes, I join her on the side path to nowhere (and vice-versa), which can lead to some wild journeys. And once in a great while, I don’t know where she’s going. I can usually figure it out, but if I can’t, I just ask questions until I get the gist of what she was trying to say.

Knowing that this is a thing for neurodivergent people is such a relief to me. It doesn’t mean that I just let myself ramble all I want whenever I want, but it does mean that I can be a bit kinder to myself when I can’t seem to stop utter nonsense from coming out of my mouth.


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More about whatever’s on my mind

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Am I continuing my weather reporting? I sure as hell am. Here is my post from yesterday in which I just meandered over the whole place. Why? Because I can, but also because it’s been so fascinating to me. We got down to 44F last night, which is cold for this time of the year–but not cold enough for me. And right now? It’s 66F–which seems about right for *checks calendar* Mid-May.

I would love one more frost warning before the season is over. I don’t think it’s going to happen. I am calling it again; winter is finally over. On May 11th. With five to six months to go to the next winter. As I’ve said, I’m loving it because I like the cold. I get so grumpy when the heat starts rising and the bugs start coming out to play. I feel like I’m at best half-alive in the summer. The spring is not my favorite, either. Fall makes me happy because it’s so pretty and because it tells me that winter is coming, but it pales in comparison to winter.

Winter is and will forever be queen. Even though I’m getting a bit more sensitive to cold because of perimenopause (which is now, I think, just plain menopause), I still much prefer it to being hot.

Side note: It’s so weird. Perimenopause/menopause, I mean. I’ve always been lucky that I only got my period two to four times a year for three days at a time. One light day, one heavy day (which is probably light/medium for other people), and the third day being light or almost nonexistent). I rarely got cramps, and if I did, they didn’t last very long. My biggest issue with getting my period was that I could never predict when it would come. That meant I had to carry products with me most of the time. Not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, of course, but just slightly irritating.

I did worry about the fact that I got my period so few times a year, but my doctor told me as long as it was twice a year, it was fine. Which was (barely) what I got. Once my doctor clarified that it was fine, I stopped worrying about it and was just glad that it had such a minimal impact on my life.

I will say that the only time that wasn’t true (my period schedule) was when I was having sex on the regular. Then, my period came every thirty-five to forty days, and it was pretty obvious why. From a biological perspective, of course my body wanted to be ready to procreate whenever I had sex. Therefore, my previous ‘schedule’ of getting my period once every three to six months would simply not do. was I pleased about it? Yes and no. I did not want to have my period more often (as I absolutely did not want to get pregnant), but I did appreciate knowing approximately when it was going to occur.


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Am I talking about gender again? Kind of

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Because I live in my own little world, I often forget that most people are more fixated on gender than I am. Here is my post from two days ago (I skipped yesterday) in which I maundered about the travesty of gender roles rigidity. I’m still thinking about it because I’m still watching stuff that is tangential to Korean culture content.

One thing I find interesting about different cultures is how something that is verboten in one country is not in another. For example, in American culture, you rarely hear cis het dudes talking about how pretty/hot/cute another guy is. Even when talking about famous men who are known for their good looks (say Hugh Jackman–someone who many women find wildly attractive), most cis het men won’t talk about how hot they are. They may say the guy is handsome or good-looking, but that’s it. Or if they do say he’s hot, they have to add some version of ‘no homo’. Most of them are aware enough to know that they can’t say that exact phrase (though, distressingly, a few still do), but they say something close to it. Usually, “I’m a happily married man, but…” which is better. Still. There’s no need to qualify when you’re saying someane is hot.

That’s how I feel. I am surprised how Korean men (on YouTube, anyway) have no qualms with saying a male celebrity is cute or sexy or pretty. There’s usually no qualifier and no need to be at all apologetic. I’m assuming it’s a cultural thing because it seems to me that popular Korean celebs (at least in K-pop) have to do all kinds of wild things while in the public eye. It’s almost like they’re living in The Truman Show where they have no privacy at all. The things that their fans think they have the right to know is astonishing and a bit disturbing, actually. So it’s probably not surprising that everyone feels comfortable commenting so frequently on how hot/pretty/sexy the celeb is.

At the same time, at least in K-pop, the idols themselves are supposed to be young and pure. It’s a really interesting dichotomy that I find fascinating from afar.

I want to emphasize that I’m not saying it’s better or worse that celebrity culture in America–just different. There are positives and negatives to both. I’m just bringing it up because in relation to gender, it’s way more upfront about the sexism than is America. As someone who lives in a progressive area, sometimes, that makes it harder to deal with the isms. Why? Because they’re more hidden, but they’re still there. I just have to look for the giveaways and listen for the dog whistles.


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Gender redux; gender reflex

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One more post about gender? Yes, sadly. Here is the post from yesterday in which I talked about how I just did not feel gender at all or get it.

I was reading a question and (answers)  about gender (eh, kind of. It’s good enough for the purpose of what I want to write in this post)–well, in a way. It was a work blog, and the question was from a woman who had been at her work for sixteen months, but only recently started getting complaints about the skirts she was wearing. She stated that she was having bloating issues and did not wear tight clothing/belts that would bother her stomach (paraphrasing). She stressed that the skirts fell to just above her knee, which was acceptable at her job.

Other women wore the same kind of skirts, including her boss–the person who reprimanded her about her (the letter writer’s (LW) attire), and there were men who wore hoodies and were fine while the LW’s bare shoulders were not. She was in a customer-facing position, and she wondered if that was part of the difference. But she was frustrated, embarrassed, and did not want to have to buy a whole new wardrobe.

I want to say that this has been a left-leaning blog for as long as I’ve been reading it (which is seven or eight years, I think?) with a lot of self-proclaimed feminists. The amount of commenters who came up with an embarrassing amount of reasons why this was reasonable on the part of the boss was discouraging. Very sexist reasons, I may add. I was glad to see a few people call it out, but for the most part, the commentariat went all-in on the sexism.

Including one woman who was really ugly with it–saying older women needed to be told when they looked ugly. No, not in those exact words, but close enough. She may not have meant it, but that’s how it came across, and she doubled down on it when questioned.

What really got to me was what always happens with questions like this–the desperate search for anything other than sexism as the reason the sexist thing is happening. “She’s wearing a too-tight skirt” (despite her saying she had uncomfortable bloating and wore nothing too tight); “Maybe it’s rolling up/she doesn’t realize how it looks on her”, which got a distressing amount of similar comments, etc. “Maybe the sleeveless arms are considered unprofessional” (but not the hoodies?).

Very few of them remembered or addressed the fact that the LW had been at her current job for sixteen months, but the comments had only started recently. None of the comments took that into account, which was frustrating AF. In the year 2026, we have gone backwards with feminism, I feel. A commentor actually wrote with all their fingers that a woman not shaving her legs in America was considered “gross”. Again, in the year 2026. I haven’t shaved anything in thirty years and have never gotten any shit for it. Then again, I’m Asian. And I live in a very progressive area.


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Still thinking about gender, though I wish I weren’t

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I want to talk about gender, age, honorifics, and Asian culture for one more post. In the last post, I ended up talking about labels, toxic love, and whatever else was on my mind. Today, I’m going to continue the trend of intending to talk about one topic and ending up talking about anything but.

No, let’s get into it. Life in America is pretty hellish right now. Civil rights being slashed left and right. For all my desire not to think about/talk about gender issues, it’s really hard to escape it in this country of mine. This shitty, shitty country of mine.

While I like the Korean content I watch, I do get uncomfortable around the gender/age honorifics. Divorcing it from a specific culture, I just don’t wantthat emphasis on two things that are not meaningful to me. Also, one of them is painful to me (gender) because it’s something I’ve been fighting against for most of my life. I have talked about how I don’t want to be called something that makes me have to lie about/hide my gender every conversation.

Look. I am tired of talking about/thinking about gender in general. I really wish I didn’t have to, but in this country, it seems that–how do I put this? People are so damn fucked-up about gender. I mean, it’s always been that way, but we were slowly making progress. Then, almost in one fell swoop, we leapt back dozens of years. It’s still upsetting to me that I had more civil liberties when I was my niblings’ age(s) than they have now.

There is a part of me that says, “Just say you’re a woman. What does it matter?” It was the gender assumed for me when I was born, and it would make life infinitely easier just to go along with it. Except. I’m so stubborn. While I don’t mind lying in general, I do mind it in certain situations. And I don’t like being forced to lie. I want it to be my choice, otherwise it’s just…icky.

It’s interesting, though. I used to think I had no morality because i have no issue with lying under certain siuations. I talked about it with Ian (about how I did not have any morelas), and he said I did. It may not be the morals of the world, he said, but I definitely had morals. I thought it over for a bit, and I had to admit that he was right. I am pretty firm in my convictions; they just didn’t always (or ever) line up with the rest of the world’s.

Most of the time, I’m fine with that. I know myself, and I’m fine with being seen as a weirdo and a freak. I simply don’t care because if I tried to ‘fix’ all the things that people think are wrong with me, well I would not have time for anything else. Also, I don’t think most of them are issues at all.


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Gender-blending and blowing it all up

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In my post from yesterday, I was going to talk about gender and ended up talking about how I was a weirdo in general. Which is fine because it’sr related–somewhat. I also talked about what a disappointment the movie, Knives Out, was for me. I won’t get into all of it, but I will say that I was holding out for the ending to not be what I sussed it out to be the first time the perp walked onto the screen.

I was more offended by the fact that the director made such a big deal about pleading with the reviewers not to reveal the twist, honestly. There wass nothing in the movie that needed to be treated like it was top secret or a work of art. I wasn’t just disappointed in the movie; I actively disliked it. Except for the cast members chewing up the scenery. That was the best part of the whonle movie, even though the script was, ah, weak. (I’m trying to be polite about it.)

My point was that I have weird tastes in almost everything. It doesn’t matter if it’s pop cutlure, beliefs, ideas, or anything else. There is very little that I like that could be considered mainstream. Even if it’s popular, it’s still niche. I’m trying to think of the last thing I liked that was liked by the masses. I would have to say it’s probably Everything Everywhere All at Once, which I loved up until the very last monologue by Michelle Yeoh. Sadly, that last speech made me like the rest of the movie a lot less the more I thought about it (the speech and the movie), but it was highly enjoyable until that moment.

If I were to watch it again, I would probably just end it before the last speech. Let’s just say I felt too much of the pain at the mother’s words to distance myself from them. All that “Asian parents tell you you’re terrible out of love” bullshit is just that. I mean, maybe they feel it’s out of love or it’s being portrayed in that way, but it doesn’t feel like love to be told I’m fat, lazy, and that I nede to find a man (get over being bisexual).

There was way too much pain in hearing that speech, and it really made me not want to watch the rest of the movie again. I know I can watch it up to that point and no further, but that’s not my style. I have a hard time not watching the all of everything (one of my compulsions), and, also, to be honest, that last speech really soured me on the rest of the movie. Why? Because I feel as if the whoole message was negated by it. I mean, I  get that people don’t change that easily and that being unable to talk about your feelings are both real. And that it’s even more difficult for Asian people because of the culture.


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