Underneath my yellow skin

Category Archives: Taiji

Double Fan Form: nearing the end, part five

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Despite what the title is of this post, I’m actually going to finish the list that I started yesterday of my weapons, easiest to hardest to learn. If I have time and the brain bandwidth, I’ll get back to the Double Fan Form. If I don’t, though, then I won’t and will get back to it in another post.

For some reason, I thought I was making a list of the weapons, my favorite to least favorite. Nope. That wasn’t what I was doing, so let’s get back to easiest to learn to hardest to learn.

Before I get to the rest of the list, though, let me quickly rattle off the weapons I’m including. You know what? Let’s throw in the Solo Form as well. No. If I do that, then I have to rejigger my list. The Solo (Long) Form was easy for me to learn for the most part. That’s good; I don’t know if I would have stuck it out otherwise.

Why? Because my first experience with Taiji was a disaster. The teacher was terrible for so many reasons, and I was skittish about trying another studio. When I finally mustered up enough energy to research other studios, I had a list of things that I needed from the studio. One, a female teacher. This was nonnegotiable. Two, no shilling of in-studio products like belts and gis and shoes. Three, related to the last one, no belts at all. That’s not really a Taiji thing, anyway, but I was amazed at how many Taiji studios wanted to mimic more traditional karate studios.

I remember at our last studio, there was a group who used the space after us on occasion. I’m not sure what their group was, but they all wore white. I got the sense that it was some kind of New Age hippie thing. I also got the sense that they looked askance at us. See, we wore mostly black, and we were much earthier. I have visible tattoos for one thing. They were very much peace and love. We were more, ah, not hate and strife, but not what they were.

Plus, they would talk in their normal voices while we were trying to finish up our class. That was as annoying as fuck, to be honest.

It took me some time to find my teacher. She had just started her school, and I was her first official student. We gabbed more than we practiced, and we have the tendency to still do the same. I had a lesson with her yesterday and before it, we both said we needed to hold ourselves accountable.

We did it, too. We talked for five or ten minutes, then got down to business. It’s not that we can’t stick to what we’re meant to do; it’s that we’re both too willing to derail each other (and ourselves).


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Double Fan Form: nearing the end, part four

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Double Fan Form. It’s so fucking hard. The whole post could just be that, but I’m going to unpack it even further. I was talking about my family history for most of the post because that’s how I roll. I am a strong writer, but I tend to meander all over the place. Why use one word when ten will do? Writing is esy for me; editing is hard. I do edit as I go, which I shouldn’t do.  I talked with my Taiji teacher about that today because I have to actively resist doing th same with my forms.

My teacher has told me several times that I should learn a form first and then do the refinements. Obviously, that means actually learning the steps. I tend to fudge them sometimes, so I will occasionally go back and reteach them to myself. That’s what I did when I realized I didn’t know chunks of the Fan Form.

By the way, my memory is shit now. I thought I had taught myself the Fan Form before my medical crisis (which was in September of 2021). When I was looking through my emails to find something else, I stumbled across emails to my teacher from February of 2022 in which I said that I was going to teach myself the Fan form. That was five months after my medical crisis, which is amazing in and of itself.

Earlier this year or late last year, I was teaching myself the left side of the fan. It was going pretty well when I reached a spot that I had no idea what came next. I thought back to the right side of the form, and I could not make that pull. I went back to the video (which I had to dig around to find because my teacher sent it to me, an I did not put it any place reasonable), and then I realized I had messed up several postures in the form. Not only that, I had completely omitted several more later in the form (very much near the end).

I blame my medical crisis. I did not have much long-term ramifications from it, but one thing that was affected was my memory. Now, given what I went through, this was to be expected. Even though I had a great memory before my medical crisis, I did not take it too hard when my memory suddenly became like Swiss cheese. I will say that it’s come back to about 75%, which I’m fine with.

It’s weird, though. As I get older, I start wondering if the small ailments I’m feeling are because of my medical crisis or because of my age. When I have a memory lapse, is it because of my brain getting hit so (metaphorically) hard? Or is it just because I’m getting older? Or is it both?


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Doquble Fan Form: nearing the end, part three

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I am back to talk more about the Double Fan Form. It’s the only form I do every day, though I did not do it for over a month after I got my three shots in one day. I was pleased to be able to pick it up again recently, though I was rusty. There are a few postures I need to refine, but as my teacher is fond of saying, it’s better to finish learning the form first and then doing the refinement. She calls it graduating, but it doesn’t feel that way to me.

She’s very generous when she says that, and she’s supportive in general of people wherever they are. It’s one thing I appreciated because I don’t do well by being loudly scolded. Well, let me rephrase that. I did well by being metaphorically flogged, but it made me feel miserable inside.

I find that because of my upbringing, I don’t do well with harsh criticism. I tend to get all bristly and snap back .I’m a porcupine with spikes all over me, and I shoot them off when I feel threatened.

It’s funny. When I was a kid, I was adamant that I didn’t get angry. I kept my emotions tamped deep down inside, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have them. I just was not allowed to show them, which meant that when I did finally express any dissatisfaction, I would explode in white hot anger.

Since my medical crisis, I have had more difficulty tempering my, well, temper. I think it’s because of the stroke I had. I’m not trying to make excuses, but it does feel out of my control. I do my best to mitigate it by clamping my mouth shut when I get heated, and I’m very good at keeping my face immobile. However, I know I have tells, even if I don’t know what they are. I know one of them because Ian told me about it. He said that when I’m absolutely done with a conversation, I cut my eyes up and to the left. Which is good to know, I guess, but it’s not as if I can stop myself from doing it.

Nor, quite frankly, do I really care to train it out of me. In the blog, Ask A Manager, there is an emphasis on not making faces in the office/on Zoom. It’s disrespectful to your coworkers, you see. There have been a few letter writers over the years who had difficulty training their faces to be neutral enough for their offices.

Now, I understand that you can’t be grimacing, scowling, or rolling your eyes at your coworkers. However, people find it creepy when you hold your face perfectly still, which is annoying as well. I mean, it feels very damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Or rather, there is a narrow range of acceptable emotions/reactions you can show in polite society.


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Double Fan Form: nearing the end, part two

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I want to talk more about the Double Fan Form because I’m reaching the end of the form. Well, I mean, I have seven postures left to learn, but they are hard. I watched to the end one of the three videos I’m using to teach myself, and damn. Here is the post from yesterday, in which I talk a lot about my triple shots day and not as much about my Double Fan Form.

There is a truism in Taiji that the last part of any form is the expert part of it. Meaning, this is the part that is going to test your mettle and kick your ass. You’re going to have to put all the knowledge you have gained through the rest of the form together and take your game to the next level.

That’s it for my pep talk. Let me drop that and emphasize yet again that this is by far the hardest weapon form I’ve learned. There was a time early on when I considered giving up. We’re talking in the first quarter of the form. I remember struggling so much and wondering if I would ever get it. I tend to look at how long the journey is, which makes me discouraged when it’s not going well. I also have a very low frustration tolerance level, which doesn’t help.

I’m glad to be back at it again. I’m still not quite a hundred percent, but I’m close enough to get back to teaching myself the Double Fan Form. I am proud of myself for sticking with it, to be frank. It’s a weird trait of mine that if I’m into something, I will be obsessed with it. Until I hit my limit, and then I’m done with it. It’s not a good thing, but it’s how my brain works.

Both in microcosm and macrocosm, really. I do that with things like friendships, websites, and hobbies. Not the hobbies as a whole, but projects in my hobby. Well, let me put it this way. I give up easily. Usually. The reason is because when I was a kid, my parents were very exacting. There is the stereotype of the Tiger Mom, and it’s pretty apt.

I had to be busy all the time. In addition to school, I had to play an instrument (I chose cello), take dancing lessons from the age of two (which I mostly enjoyd until en pointe ballet entered the conversation), and I played ping-pong, tennis, and softball. I liked them all to some extent. Oh, and I had to go to summer school every summer as well. And it had to be an enrichment kind of summer school, too. I went to T-CITY (Twin Cities Institute for Talented Youth) for five years, taking writing twice, acting twice, and Latin once. We had class all morning, then had sports (against the other classes) after lunch. It was also fun for the most part, and I met my first boyfriend there.


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Double Fan Form: the Dark Souls of Taiji weapon forms

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It is a month and a half since I got three shots on the same day. My second shingles shot, my pneumonia vax, and my regular blood work shot that I have to get every year. That was NOT a smart idea, especially as the second shingles shot was notorious for being an extra-impactful one. Or rather, I had heard that everyone who got the shingles shots felt one or the other disproportionately hard. K had difficulty with the first one and thought she would have to go to the emergency room after getting it.

I am sensitive to shots in general, anyway. When I got my first Covid vax, I had a swollen bump until I got the second shot–six weeks later. It was pretty small and not hot by the time I got the second one, but it was still there.

I got the first one and was pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t bad–for me, anyway. Yes, I reacted to it. Yes, my arm was hot, swollen, and throbbing for a week or so, but that’s what I expect when I get vax shots. Yeah, I was a bit feverish, too. But, again, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I was at half-mast for maybe three weeks in total.

The second shot? My god. It was brutal. Absolutely brutal. I have never had a reaction like that to a shot before. Again, it did not help that I had gotten my pneumonia vax on the same day (different arm), but that was a walk in the park compared to the second shingles shot. It wiped me out, and I didn’t do any Taiji for several days. Then, I started to cautiously add to my practice day by day, and it’s only yesterday that I finally felt ready to teach myself more of the Double Fan Form.

Before I get to that, I have to mention that on the day of the three shots, I got one in each arm and one in the back of my left hand. About a decade ago, I d discovered the wonder of butterfly needles. I don’t remember how, but probably a phlebotomist suggested it once, and now, I bring it up whenever I need to get a shot. It’s not always viable, but when it is, it makes blood drawing easy-peasy. I don’t want to insult any phlebotomist, but I know that using a butterfly needle is going to make it so much easier for both parties.

Even before I had to take time off to recover from my shots, the Double Fan Form was kicking my ass. I am used to learning weapon forms with ease. Yes, the Saber Form was difficult as my second form, but that was because I was looking at it like it was just a bigger sword. Once I realized that it was its own thing, I was able to learn it in a brisk fashion.


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Less is (sometimes) more, part three

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I want to talk more about weapon forms because I can. Here was yesterday’s post on the same subject. When I decided to teach myself the Double Fan Form, I naively thought that it wouldn’t be too difficult. After all, I taught the Fan Form to myself with relative ease.

Well, that’s not exactly correct. I did teach it to myself fairly effortlessly I thought. But then, a year or so later, I was going to teach myself the left side. I started running into places where I could not do it because I had been fudging it on the right side. This was roughly halfway through the form. I decided to go back to the video and refresh my memory.

Much to my surprise, I realized t hat I had forgotten whole chunks of the Fan Form. I remember teaching it to myself, but I had no memory of those missing postures themselves. There was a chunk in the middle of the  form and another chunk at the end. I took a deep breath and taught the whole form to myself again. I took extra pains to make sure that I had it in my body and was not just fudging postures when I didn’t get them.

It’s hard because my teacher believes in learning the whole form first and then refining it after. Which is great when there’s the opportunity to practice it in class every week. However, when I’m doing it on my own, it’s harder. Yes, I can watch the videos I have in a pinch, but I will say that it doesn’t completely replace in-person teaching.

Also, the obvious problem with teaching myself is that I can’t see what I can’t see. What I mean is that I can’t tell when I’m making mistakes or not doing a posture right. Of course, I could do the form for my teacher–if she knows it. She does not know the Double Fan Form, which I’m making my way towards in this post.

Once I had the Fan Form in my body, I decided to teach myself the Double Fan Form. I also wanted to teach myself the Double Sword Form, but there’s no official form. I also wanted to finish teaching myself the Karambit Form, the Guandao Form, and I’m messing around with a Karambit/Fan Form.

That’s too much. While I can probably teach myself two forms at the same time, I don’t think I would do justice to either. Plus, it would probably take twice as long as it would to teach myself one. So, obviously, doing two back-to-back would take just as much time if not less than trying to teach myself two forms at once.

I’m so impatient, though. I’m like the kid in a candy store in that I want it all. Now! I have taught myself several different forms, or at least part of them. Wu-Li Dancing Sword, which is very short; halfish of the Karambit Form (I thought I had taught myself all but the very end); Fan Form; Cane Form (with the saber, so technically Saber Form); and the second half of the Double Saber Form. Oh, and I’ve taught myself the left side of the Sword Form, Saber Form, Cane Form, and Cane Form with the saber. Oh, and the last third or so of the Swimming Dragon Form, hands only, Bagua.


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Less is (sometimes) more, part two

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A few days ago, I wrote a post about how I’ve pared down my daily Taiji/Bagua routine. For the past year or so, I had been feeling a bit of a slight drag when I did my morning routine. Instead of looking forward to and being eager to do it every morning (well, really afternoon, so it’s morning only colloquially), I did it with a sigh and a heavy heart.

I still wanted to do it, mind. I was just burned out.

Here goes the backstory.

I have OCD tendencies. It’s not full-blown OCD, and it’s probably not diagnosable. When I mentioned it to my therapist a few decades ago (then-therapist), she said to me in a stern tone, “You know you don’t actually have OCD, right?”

Yes, I know that. But I have OCD tendencies, and I am internally obsessed with many things. I have learned to keep it mostly to myself and to gauge how much to let out without seeming ‘weird’. Also, probably autistic, but that’s more likely to be diagnosable.

I could talk about my martial arts weapons all day long. Not the technical aspects, but the beauty of them and what they mean to me. I like to joke that they’re my romantic relationships, but it’s not far from the truth. What I mean is that each weapon stirs something in me that I could conceivably slap a romantic label on it.

The Sword Form is my first love. I have such warm feelings for it. No, it’s not the most exciting form any longer, but it’s the weapon form that started my love for the weapons. I have told this story a million times, but I’ll tell it once again.

A year or two after I started Taiji, I graduated from the Solo Long Form. All that means is that I learned the sequence–not that I was any good at it. Soon after, my teacher mentioned it was time to learn the Sword Form. I resisted. While I had started studying Taiji because I wanted to be able to defend myself and really liked the idea of learning the combat applications, I recoiled from the very idea of doing weapons.

I was a pacifist at the time, and weapons seemed too violent to me. It was only when I was walknig the circle with the deerhorn knives (Bagua, not the point of this post) as my meditation that I had an ideology-changing moment. I was focusing on the ‘opponent’ in the middle of the circle as I walked. In a second, I thought, “If it’s you or me–it’s going to be me.” Meaning, if it was the opponent’s life or mine, mine was going to win.


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Less is (sometimes) more

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I have been doing my Taiji/Bagua routine every morning (well, early afternoon because I don’t get up in the morning), and I have slowly been adding to it in the last decade.

It’s amusing to me that I couldn’t force myself to do five minutes of practice when I first started studying Taiji. For whatever reason, my brain just rejected any thought of practicing at home. Because of that, I added another class per week to attend, and then one more. Then, pandemic and everything went online.

That was when I got serieous about my weapons. Before that, I loved them, yes, but I wasn’t intense about it. Scratch that. I was intense about it, but I wasn’t yet obsessed. During the lockdown, however, I got very into the Double Saber Form–which was what my teacher had been teaching me when we went into lockdown.

I still had my private lessons with her, but they were online rather than in person. Plus, her Double Saber Form was not the best as she does not care as much for the weapons. It took me a long time to realize that because she was careful to be enthusiastic about them when I gushed over my love for them.

About halfway through the form, my teacher just stopped teaching it to me. It took me a while to realize that it was because we had hit the limit of what she knew of the form. Her classmate had done the Double Saber Form at their school’s demonstration a few months before the world shut down. I had fallen instantly in lust, and I knew I had to have that in my life.

I bugged my teacher to teach it to me until she gave in. When we reached the point where she was no longer comfortable teaching me the form, I starting it to myself. I asked my teacher if she was ok with it, and she was. I don’t know why I asked her, but the best I can come up with was that I felt it was the respectful way to deal with it.

I have continued to ask her before teaching myself a form. Again, I’m not exactly sure why, but it’s out of respect. And  I have acknowledged to myself that not only am I more interested in weapons than she is, but…I have a hard time writing it or speaking it into existence, but it’s true: some of my weapon forms are better than hers.

It sounds like heresy to me because she’s my teacher.  She’s been studying Taiji for over thirty years (I think). How dare I say that any of my Taiji is better than hers? Here’s the thing, though. I have put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into my weapon forms, and I know that she pays more attention to her hands-only forms. It’s just a case of difference preferences.


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Double Fan Form humbles me, part two

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Back to write more about the Double Fan Form. Here is my post from yesterday in which I wander all over the place, but my main point was how I’m still struggling. A lot. I had to go back and rework a couple postures because I had learned them incorrectly. It’s not unusual to have to do some refinements, but I’m learning it wrong more than I have any other form.

In the past, I have taught myself new postures in a form on a daily basis. Unless I’m retconning my memories (which is very possible). As I mentioned yesterday, I inhaled the Sword Form (my first form) from the second my teacher put a wooden sword in my hand. I could not get enough of it, and I knew I wanted more of that in my life. I learned it in a very short amount of time.

Then, I taught myself the left side in a similarly short amount of time. In fact, the only time I got stuck was with the easiest posture in the form. That’s because I probably didn’t pay enough attention while learning it on the right side. It was easy! Why would I need to concentrate on learning it? Because it wasn’t as easy as I thought it was. Or rather, reversing it wasn’t that easy.

Besides that hiccup (which took me twenty minutes to get over), I had no problem teaching myself the left side of the Sword Form. I don’t want to guess how long it took me to teach myself the Sword Form on both sides, but in retrospect, it feels like it was a breeze.

I mentioned in yesterday’s post that even with the dreaded Saber Form, the form that I struggled with the most as I was learning it, I did not have trouble learning the form itself. It was more that I did not feel comfortable doing it, but I learned the postures fairly easily.

In the case of the Double Fan Form, I am making slow and steady process, yes, but it’s so very slow. And it’s not always progress. I’m frustrated, which is not something I usually feel whilst teaching myself a new form. Or learning a new form.

When my teacher said (wrote) spontaneously, “Wow, this is really hard!”, I felt a sudden burst of relief. I had been struggling with it for a month, and I was feeling downtrodden. This is one of the difficulties with learning things easily, I sometimes lack the grit to buckle down when things aren’t breezy from the get-go.


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Double Fan Form is double hard for me

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I am still pushing forward with the Double Fan Form, and it is still kicking my ass. I wrote about it a few days ago in this post. I mean, I’ve written about it before, but that was the latest time I’ve written about it.

I was naive and a bit cocky when I started teaching myself the form. As I said in yesterday’s post, I’m used to learning forms at a fast pace. Even the Saber Form, which I did not get at all, I was at least learning the postures pretty easily–until the end of the fourth (of six) rows. That’s where there is the most difficult movement, and my teacher quit teaching the form to me at that point. In part because I got into a minor car accident and needed to take a break from it, but moreso because she did not feel comfortable with that posture/movement. She didn’t tell me that until much later.

My teacher does not like the weapons. I didn’t realize that until much later because, of course, she isn’t going to tell me that. I found out when she was teaching me the Double Saber Form. We made it roughly halfway through and then the pandemic hit (I think that’s the timeline). She sent out a video of her teacher doing the Double Saber Form. I asked if I could teach myself the rest, and she immediately said I could.

I ask her because I feel it’s respectful to her as my teacher. We are also friends, but it just feels right to me. She always says yes and is happy that I am expanding my knowledge on my own. She’s thrilled that I am getting even more into weapons, though it’s not her first love. Or her tenth, I think. I get the feeling that she only does them because her teacher insists on it. And maybe because she realized that it’s a part of the martial art(s).

I know she really respects her teacher, so it’s probably in large  part because he wants her to learn the weapons. She’s talked to him about me teaching myself various weapons, and he told her that if I ever wanted to go to his classes, he would be more than happy to have me. He’s a huge weapon freak, too. And he’s very excited that I’m teaching myself the Double Fan Form.

I have to say, when I look back at my bumpy road to where I am now, I would never have dreamed that I would fall in love with the weapons like that. And after my struggles with the saber (my second weapon form learned), I was humbled.


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