Underneath my yellow skin

Category Archives: Taiji

Double Fan Form humbles me, part two

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Back to write more about the Double Fan Form. Here is my post from yesterday in which I wander all over the place, but my main point was how I’m still struggling. A lot. I had to go back and rework a couple postures because I had learned them incorrectly. It’s not unusual to have to do some refinements, but I’m learning it wrong more than I have any other form.

In the past, I have taught myself new postures in a form on a daily basis. Unless I’m retconning my memories (which is very possible). As I mentioned yesterday, I inhaled the Sword Form (my first form) from the second my teacher put a wooden sword in my hand. I could not get enough of it, and I knew I wanted more of that in my life. I learned it in a very short amount of time.

Then, I taught myself the left side in a similarly short amount of time. In fact, the only time I got stuck was with the easiest posture in the form. That’s because I probably didn’t pay enough attention while learning it on the right side. It was easy! Why would I need to concentrate on learning it? Because it wasn’t as easy as I thought it was. Or rather, reversing it wasn’t that easy.

Besides that hiccup (which took me twenty minutes to get over), I had no problem teaching myself the left side of the Sword Form. I don’t want to guess how long it took me to teach myself the Sword Form on both sides, but in retrospect, it feels like it was a breeze.

I mentioned in yesterday’s post that even with the dreaded Saber Form, the form that I struggled with the most as I was learning it, I did not have trouble learning the form itself. It was more that I did not feel comfortable doing it, but I learned the postures fairly easily.

In the case of the Double Fan Form, I am making slow and steady process, yes, but it’s so very slow. And it’s not always progress. I’m frustrated, which is not something I usually feel whilst teaching myself a new form. Or learning a new form.

When my teacher said (wrote) spontaneously, “Wow, this is really hard!”, I felt a sudden burst of relief. I had been struggling with it for a month, and I was feeling downtrodden. This is one of the difficulties with learning things easily, I sometimes lack the grit to buckle down when things aren’t breezy from the get-go.


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Double Fan Form is double hard for me

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I am still pushing forward with the Double Fan Form, and it is still kicking my ass. I wrote about it a few days ago in this post. I mean, I’ve written about it before, but that was the latest time I’ve written about it.

I was naive and a bit cocky when I started teaching myself the form. As I said in yesterday’s post, I’m used to learning forms at a fast pace. Even the Saber Form, which I did not get at all, I was at least learning the postures pretty easily–until the end of the fourth (of six) rows. That’s where there is the most difficult movement, and my teacher quit teaching the form to me at that point. In part because I got into a minor car accident and needed to take a break from it, but moreso because she did not feel comfortable with that posture/movement. She didn’t tell me that until much later.

My teacher does not like the weapons. I didn’t realize that until much later because, of course, she isn’t going to tell me that. I found out when she was teaching me the Double Saber Form. We made it roughly halfway through and then the pandemic hit (I think that’s the timeline). She sent out a video of her teacher doing the Double Saber Form. I asked if I could teach myself the rest, and she immediately said I could.

I ask her because I feel it’s respectful to her as my teacher. We are also friends, but it just feels right to me. She always says yes and is happy that I am expanding my knowledge on my own. She’s thrilled that I am getting even more into weapons, though it’s not her first love. Or her tenth, I think. I get the feeling that she only does them because her teacher insists on it. And maybe because she realized that it’s a part of the martial art(s).

I know she really respects her teacher, so it’s probably in large  part because he wants her to learn the weapons. She’s talked to him about me teaching myself various weapons, and he told her that if I ever wanted to go to his classes, he would be more than happy to have me. He’s a huge weapon freak, too. And he’s very excited that I’m teaching myself the Double Fan Form.

I have to say, when I look back at my bumpy road to where I am now, I would never have dreamed that I would fall in love with the weapons like that. And after my struggles with the saber (my second weapon form learned), I was humbled.


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Double Fan Form is still kicking my ass

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I am still working on the Double Fan Form, albeit very slowly. I have taught myself 18 out of 48 postures, so I’m over a third of the way through. That’s being very generous to myself, though, because I have had to go over several postures several times.

Here’s the thing.

*Looks both ways before whispering*

Most of the forms have been easy for me to learn. Long Solo Form? Fairly easy. Sword Form? Really easy. Saber Form was frustrating as fuck because I did not get it and did not like the way it felt, but it wasn’t hard to learn the postures themselves.

When I decided to learn Bagua in addition to Taiji, that was definitely a mind shift. It’s a very diffeernt martial art (much more aassertive whereas Taiji is, well, not passive, but receptive), and I had to adjust to that (not to mention different weighting of the feet. In Taiji, it’s usually 70/30 front/back. In Bagua, on the other hand, it’s 40/60 front/back. Which is a massive adjustment.

Once I got more used to it, though, I found learning the Swimming Dragon Form to be pretty smooth and intuitive. There are a few postures that messed with my mind, but for the most part, I didn’t have too much trouble learning the postures/movements.

Side note: I have to take a minute to explain that my teacher considers being taught each posture to having learned the form. She will say you’ve graduated once she teaches you the last posture. That doesn’t mean you know the form, obviously, but it’s still a good feeling.

The Fan Form was the first form I taught myself after my medical crisis. I taught it to myself in roughly thrree months, but then forgot chunks of it over time. Recently, I was teaching myself the left side when I realized that I had started fudging some of the right side. So I taught it to myself over again. I had to clear up a lot, but it’s much stronger now. I’ve been teaching myself the Double Fan Form since at least my birthday (a little before that, I think), which is a month-and-a-half ago. If I continue apace, then it’ll be four-and-a-half months total.Maybe it’ll get easier the longer I learn it; I can dream, right?

It’s completely possible, however, that it’ll get harder later on because that’s how the forms usually go. It makes sense, really. The first third or so of the form is the tutorial, to use game-speak. It’s to ease you into the form so you don’t feel overwhelmed. This is the case especially for the Solo Form. That’s the first form you learn in Taiji, and it’s the basis for all the other forms. It has three sections. The first is very basic and so gently eases you into it. Most people* can do Taiji in one way or another. My teacher was willing and eager to adapt the form to her students (concerning disabilities), which I really appreciated.


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More about my goals–and the Double Fan Form

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Ok. Let’s talk more about the Double Fan Form first. I wrote about it yesterday and how I’m struggling with it. By the way, I’m getting so engrossed with it, I’m spending up to half an hour on learning it–and we’re talking about a new posture or two at a time. In other words, it’s been ROUGH. I messaged Ian, saying I’m struggling with it. He asked if there were different things to do with each fan, which would give him trouble. That’s part of it, and today, I learned a posture that had the two fans facing the opposite ways and doing distinctly different things.

Even before that, though, the form was fucking with my brain. I was trying to figure out why that is, and I think it’s beacuse I have to hold the two fans in one hand for several postures. This is unlike the Double Saber Form in which you immediately separate the two sabers. You have one in each hand from the first posture after the bow, and you continue along in that fashion until the last posture.

With the fan form, you start with both fans in the left hand (this is common. You start with the weapon/s in the opposite of the dominant hand for the form). You transfer both to the right a few postures later. Then, a few postures later, you separate the two. One fan is facing forward and one is facing backwards. Of course, this means that you have to hold them the opposite way in the beginning when they are in one hand. I have tried it the way it makes sense to my brain (with the front sides facing out), but that doesn’t quite line up with where I need them to be by the time I separate the fans.

Side note: I was just browsing fans. Yes, I just bought a new set, but I’m curious as to what is out there. One thing that is guaranteed to make me NOT buy from a seller is them not including the dimensions of the weapon. I have seen this far too often, especially with the fans, and it’s simply not acceptable. I think one reason it happens so much with the fans is because fans are in that gray area between weapon and toy. Well, not toy, exactly, but accessory. Plus, you can do dances with them. So it’s not strictly a weapon. Still. If you are selling a fan as a Taiji weapon, then you MUST include the length. That’s not negotiable, and it boggles my mind that sellers would not automatically include that information.

I was looking at a pack of ‘large’ fans, and I could not find the size in the description anywhere. Granted, I did not peruse it carefully, but it did not show up in the description, which is where I would expect it to be. I get all my martial art equipment from Kungfu Direct, but their fan selection is limited. I wanted to see what else was out there.

Back to the Double Fan Form. I have watched half-a-dozen versions of the official Yang-style Double Fan Form (that’s what I’ve dubbed it in my head), and they are the same with small flair/tweaks. I have decided that this will be the first one I learn and that it’s good for me to persevere with it.


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A new year, a new me?

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Let’s talk more about my birthday and my goals for the upcoming year. Before I do that, though, I am so stoked about the weapons I have ordered. I am working on the Double Fan Form, and I’m not loving it. I don’t know why because I adore the Fan Form. Something about this is not working in my brain. The video I’m watching is split in front and back view ins the same view at half-speed. Theoretically, it should be a gerat way to learn the form because I can look at both front and back–but I think that’s actually part of the problem. I have a hard time focusing on one or the other. I think I prefer two separate videos because then I can focus on one or the other.

Yes, I know I could do that myself, but my brain doesn’t work that way. I have added a few more movements. It’s…fine, but not blowing me away. I can’t help but compare my feelings about the Double Fan Form to how I felt when I learned that I could do the Cane Form with the Saber. Not only did that blow my mind, but it felt so damn good. I gave myself a week to learn it, but it took three or four days. One day per row (four rows).

I just did a quick practice of what I know for the Double Fan Form. My brain still can’t grasp it completely. I’ve looked at a few different forms. There are three that seem to be the most repeated. One might be the official one–the one I’m trying to learn. Another one is a bit more aggressive, which I like, but not what I’m about right now.

I feel like I should learn the official one first before branching off to the other ones. I need to be patient with myself, but I’m used ot learning new forms pretty quickly. Why is this one so hard? My impulse is to say that it’s beacuse the two fans do different things, but up to this point, they really don’t. Also, in the Double Saber Form, the two sabers do different things, and I did not have too hard a time with that form.

The Double Sword Form has been fun, but it’s just me messing with two swords. For whatever reason, though, it feels much more natural than the Double Fan Form (formal). There is not an official Taiji Double Sword Form (that I can find), but there are two that I’ve found that are pretty cool. One is Taiji and the other is labeled Taiji/praying mantis.

Ha. I found a cool video of one man with two swords fighting another man with a spear. It turns out to be someone I subscribe to–the guy who reviewed the twin straight swords I bought. I’ve included the video below.


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Mental health and more

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I am really working on my sleep, which has gone haywire since changing the time. THis is one of my pet rants, but can we please stop changing the time? I don’t care which we choose, but let’s just leave it the same all year round. My god. We have fake lighting. We don’t need to be beholden to the whims of the sun any longer. For fuck’s sake.

On the bright side, I’ve been getting a decent amount of sleep. On the not-so-bright side, it’s been at all hours of the day/night/morning. I am concerned. I am trying to drag my sleep schedule back to going to bed by 2 a.m. and getting up at 10. It’s not happening, though, and I’m just not happy with myself.

Let’s talk Taiji a bit. And Bagua. I’m focusing on those because they are my lifeline. Without them, I don’t know if I could .

Side note: There’s a new game out called The First Berserker: Khazan (Neople). It’s a soulslike, though the combat is likened more to Sekiro. I tried the demo for an hour, and I quit before even getting to the first boss. Hm. There’s an easy mode (someone mentioned it in the Discord), which I had not known. But I did play the demo, and I presume there was an easy mode in the demo? If so, wouldn’t I have chosen that? I don’t know.

Anyway. I am so sick and tired of soulslike relying on the parry and having bosses taht are brutal. It’s like they took the least-interesting thing from From games (to me) and made them the focus of the game. When I tried the demo, the scrubs could kill me in three hits or so. It took three hits to kill a scrub. This is actually something  people mentioned about the game–that the enemy difficulty is badly calibrated. Andy Cortez from Kinda Funny said that he dumped all his points into Strength to get the max with as little health as he could get away with, but it still took him two or three hits to kill the scrubs.

I found the combat to be grueling and not satisfying. I think I went with the greatsword because the other options are dual-daggers and dex. As we all know by now, I don’t do either. So it’s greatsword by default. I don’t know if there is any kind of magic in the game, but my hunch is no.

Every fucking review talks about how brutal the bosses are, but how they came to love the drutality. Here’s one from IGN that typifies that sentiment. Meanwhile, I’m summoning humans for Shadow of the Erdtree because I do not want to struggle for hours with a boss. I did that with the final boss of the DLC the first time around. Five hours over two days after getting the boss down four or five hits on my second try. Did I feel exhilirated after beating the boss? Yes. But it was so fleeting and then exhaustion set in. I was so numb by that point, I was mostly just glad it was over.


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Hanging on by a thread

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I’m tired. And depressed. And anxious. I know that I am in a bad way for several reasons. One, my sleep is terrible. I mean, it’s nearly the worst it’s ever been, and that’s saying something. I am trying to claw my way back to not completely off the rails, but it’s so hard. Here is my post from yesterday, meandering all over the place.

Another thing is that I’m wasting too much time not doing anything productive. It’s fine to spend some time playing video games, but not as much as I’ve been doing. I know that’s one way I self-medicate, so to speak, because it’s easy to numb myself out by doing another run (Balatro) or going a bit farther (Shadow of the Erdtree) and taking on one more boss (ditto).

By the way, I’m pleased that there are still people playing the DLC. I mean, I should not be surprised as there are still people playing every other From game I play. I can summon for any of the games, though not for every boss. And I get invaded with some regularity as well. Today, I was able to summon humans for most of the bosses I fought. This has been the case for the past few days as I’ve been cleaning up the DLC. Today, there’s only been one dungeon boss I’ve wanted to summon a human for and could not, but I do not blame people for not wanting to be summoned for that boss.

I am surprised that there was a summon for a boss I consider really blah, and it’s not easy to find. I’ve only had trouble with this boss on my melee character–none at all with my casters. It’s an interesting storyline, but, sadly, the two places you have to go to blow whistles in order to get to this boss are shit.

Briefly, there are these snake-like creatures that fall from the sky. One is a mage who can freeze you in place for several seconds while the others spawn and munch on you. The range is insane, and it homes so you have to ride/walk/run out of its reach. Which is impossible to do for me because I can’t gauge how far it’ll go. What did I do instead? Use the invisibility spell, Unsseen Form in order not to be seen by them. I’m wearing an armor set that muffles my footsteps so I don’t have to waste a talisman slot on the muffled footsteps talisman.

I zipped by all the munchy snakes, got to the whistle (eventually. It’s a maze and difficult to navigate), and blew it. Then I teleported back to the NPC/church so I could take on the boss. I got a human summon, and we managed to do it in one try. The human summon died right before the end of the fight, sadly, but I got the last blow as they died. So, once again, this was an easy fight as a caster.


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More about weapons if I may (and I may)

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Here is my post from yesterday in which I blathered about weapons. I am going to do more of the same in this post.

I have struggled with what to call myself in terms of my status, for the lack of a better word, because I was not and have not been a newbie for quite some time. I would never call myself a master, either, beacuse that’s well above my pay grade. Advanced student just feels right. It’s not too specific, but it’s not overly broad, either.

I would be down with senior student as well. These seem to have roughly the same meaning. I get that it’s still a pretty wide range, but it feels apt to me.

I have mentioned several times that I feel like a switch has been flipped inside of me. Roughly six months ago, I would have said that I liked weapons and really dug the forms. But I would not have said that I was…I dunno. Serious about them?

It’s hard to say because I have imposter syndrome. I think I’m worse at everything than I really am. Well, most everything. I am (or was) confident in my writing, my ability to talk to people (but that comes with massive downsides, and it was not something I chose to do), my charm (which I don’t want to abuse), and a few other things. And I’ve been confident in my weapon forms in that I learn them fairly easily.

But I was not doing hours of weapon forms practice a day. I was not min-maxing my weapons. I am so not a min-maxer–in games or in weapons. I talked about how I would look at weapon forums, and it was just not for me. I’m not a tech head in anything I do. I’m a heavy tech user, yes, but only to the extent in which it’s useful to me. I don’t care about specs except how much I need to to run what I want to run.

It’s the same with the weapons. I care only to the extent that they feel good and move nicely in the air. The spec themselves don’t matter to me. I will admit that looks matter to me. I want my weapons to look and feel good. I am a bit miffed that there are no really great fans. I bought a nice aluminum one, but it is so stiff. All the base ones have, ah, really bad printed pictures on them. Sigh.

It’s weird, actually. I don’t understand why I can’t find a better fan than the ten dollar one I have. I mean, I can find a slightly better version and have (with bamboo ribs rather than plastic), but the pictures on the better ones are still pretty basic. I know that’s a minor point, but I would feel so much better if I could find a prettier fan.


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Let’s talk more about weapons (because I can)

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It still boggles my mind that I am actually creating a weapon form. It’s not canon, and it’s not anything I would show to anyone right now, but I’m having a good time with it.

Oh, side note. I talked to my brother about the Xfinity issue, and it may be on my side. So I’m going to test it out and see if it is my bad. It’s not completely on me (I know this as a fact), but if there’s anything I can do to mitigate it, well, that’s a plus, I guess.

I’m so worn-out right now. My sleep has been completely off the rails, and my anxiety is keeping me up at nights. I can’t deal with the world around me, and I want to do better in my personal life as well. I don’t feel like it’s worth it, though. Or rather, I don’t feel like the world is worth it. And that’s how I know I need to find a therapist.

Back to weapons. In yesterday’s post, I was rambling all over the place. One thing I wanted to talk about and kind of did, is that one thing people don’t tell yopu about exercise is taht you want to find something you enjoy doing. I mentioned that I walked four miles a day for a year while I was in the East Bay, and I hated every step. It never got better. I never actually liked it. I just did it because I had no other way of doing exercise. Once I got back to Minnesota, I gave it up in a hot second.

After my medical crisis, while my parents were here, I started going for a walk with them every day. I didn’t want to, but it was easier to go than to argue about it with my mother. And I still hated it. In part because my father walks reaaaaaaaallly slowly. Even after my medical crisis, I walked at a brisk pace (once i got my energy back). I figured out that the way to do it was to walk fast on the way out, wait for them to catch up, and then stroll with them on the way back. It still wasn’t great, but that made it manageable.

It will never be my first choice for exercise. Walking, I mean. People extol how great it is, but I hate it. Let me amend that. I hate doing it for exercise. I don’t mind doing it just to get from Point A to Point B. Why is that? I’m not sure. I think it’s because when I’m doing it to get where I need to be, I just accept it’s something I have to do. When I try to do it as exercise, I resent the hell out of it. Let’s not talk about running, which I loathe with the intensity of a thousand suns.


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Weapons all day long

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I’m still on that weapons tip. Well, as much as I can. There are other things in my life that are not good, but I’m trying not to think about them at the moment. In yesterday’s post, I rambled about weapons, life in general, and why I need this. By ‘this’, I mean weapons. I’m feeling very bleak about the world right now, for personal and political reasons. I am not pleased with the state of, well, everything. Weapon forms are one thing that actually fill me with joy. They give me meaning and hope. Well, maybe not hope, but something positive to focus on.

Back in the day, Marie Kondo was hot for about ten seconds. Her phrase ‘sparks joy’ seemed to be everywhere (you should only keep something if it ‘sparks joy’ in you), and I will admit that I got sick of it. But, I will say it fits for the weapons. The weapon forms definitely spark joy in me. And that’s something I don’t have much of these days.

I’m having an ongoing issue with Xfnity, and I have no clue how to solve it because it’s impossible to get a person to talk to. I tried to the last time this came up and could not talk to an actual person. I did what I could to mitigate the issue, but it’s come up again. And I’m going to have to go through the motions to try to fix it, knowing that it’ll fail. And that because they’re a fucking monopoly, I can’t switch companies.

I’m going to do what I can to deal with it, but I’m probably going to end up throwing money at it. I’m not happy about it, but that’s really all I have. And, I’m tired. I just don’t have the energy to deal with it. There’s a saying that sometimes the best thing you can do is throw money at a problem.

My brother and I have had a friendly argument about this. He is all about saving money. (Except when he isn’t. He has his passions, just like anyone else. But he is unusually frugal in most aspects of his life.) He will spend hours doing something if it will save him a buck or two. I, on the other hand, would rather spend a few extra bucks to save time. I don’t think one way is better than the other–it’s just a matter of what you value more. For the longest time, my brother insisted that his way was best. I tried to get him to see that saving ten bucks, but ‘spending’ an extra two hours really wasn’t that cost efficient.


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