I love FromSoft games, but they do not love me back. This is the story of my life, by the way. Because of how I was raised, I want those who do not want me. That’s not this post so I will not get into it. I’m just saying that I am most comfortable with being ignored or told that I’m wrong/worthless/only useful for very specific things (like listening endless to other people’s problems). None of this was explicitly stated, but it manifested in very negative ways. It didn’t help that it was echoed by society in general as I’m a minority in several different categories–and most of them are categories in which my designation is roundly (and soundly ignored). Asian, areligious, agender, bisexual, etc.
It’s interesting because in the first year or two after my death (twice), I had the most self-confidence/self-esteem I’ve had in all my life. I didn’tcare what anyone else thought and shrugged off being a weirdo. Caveat, I’ve always been fine with being a weirdo, but I was never as comfortable with it as I was during those two years. It’s slipped a bit since then. Or rather, my anxiety and depression has come back a bit. My depression had shrunk by roughly 90% and my anxiety by 60%. In other words, I had about 10% of the depression I used to have and approximately 40% of the anxiety. For someone who has had really bad and chronic depression and anxiety all my life, that was remarkable. Now, I would say my depression has risen by about 25% and my anxiety about 10%?
It’s hard to tell right now because I’m processing a personal tragedy, but I noticed the slide in my mental health before the crisis. I have a few things I want to do with my life, but my enjoyment for doing one of those things is almost gone. Writing fiction, I mean. Or rather, my enthusiasm for it is not gone, but I seem to have lost my ability to do it well.
Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe. I tend to be. But I feel like I’m wasting this second lease on life that I have.
Anyway. Back to From games. In the RKG Discord, I’m constantly talking down my abilities. Not consciously and not in a ‘woe is me’ kind of way, but because I think I’m truly terrible at this game. A friend of mine gently questioned me about it because as she pointed out, I’ve actually done them. Which is a good point, but–ok, look. This is how I’ve explained this to people. If you put me in the gen pop, then I’m aces at the games. If you’re talking about the FromSoft community, I would say that I’m mediocre at best. And I have always felt that I’ve been hitting my head against my own ceiling (of abilities). Putting Sekiro aside (because that’s beyond me now), I have found a way to beat all the games. And I’ve soloed all the bosses in all the Souls games (except the gank squad bosses in the DLCs for the second game) and all of them in the base game of Bloodborne.
But when I listen to other people talk about how they play the games with seeming ease, well, I feel like I’m firmly in the bottom quarter of people who actually paly the games.
Ian and I have a friendly ongoing debate about this. I have lamented about the games not being made for people like me. He counters that I’m the ideal target because he think Miyazaki is not making the games for the hardcore onebros, but for everyone. I don’t buy it because of the difficulty spike in the last quarter or so of every game. If it were true, then the games would continue to gently ramp up rather than soar in the last quarter. Well, actually last half and up, then double in the last quarter. The DLCs are off the charts.
I could not play a Sekiro sequel. I could not play Armored Core VI. I really ate it at the end of Elden Ring with my squishy caster. Technically a strengthcaster, but way more caster than strength. When I did the plat for Bloodborne, I summoned a human for one of the Chalice Dungeon bosses I simply could not do. You have to parry this boss (or rather, that’s the best way to beat the boss), which I can’t do.
Then, there’s a dungeon in which your health is halved. Which…ugh. And you had to do this dungeon for the plat, which goes to my Miyazaki is at least somewhat about the difficulty.
Side note: I fucking hate the Chalice Dungeons and think they are the worst thing about that game. It’s not even close. They are boring and samesy and deliberately hard–at least that particular dungeon (for the last). Halving the player’s health for the whole dungeon meant being constantly one-hit. And I wasn’t skimping on health that much as I normally do. There’s an Amygdala in that dungeon that is infamous for making people cry. Weirdly, that wasn’t the one that gave me problems. (Well, she did give me problems, but she wasn’t that bad.) I used the tail cheese (stand by her tail. She’ll jump and when she lands, her head will be by you. Be ready to give her one or two RTs. Rinse, lather, and repeat.)
No, the one that kept fucking me up was the fire dog. My god. That thing got me so many times. I finally called on the RKG community to help me out, and I got a beast of a slug (what we call ourselves) to give me a hand. Even then, it took us three times I think. Maybe four? Less than half-a-dozen for sure. I think I did this all on NG+, too (because the game automtaically goes into NG+, but the dungeons do not scale).
I was grimly working my way through the dungeons when I realized that you don’t actually have to do them all. You just have to get the one unique boss, who is at the end of the path that included the defiled dungeon (halved health). Once I realized that, I stopped doing the other depth five dungeon and only did the one I had to do. Even though i was nearly done with the other. I just could not be fucked. I still haven’t finished that dungeon and probably never will.
Done for now. More tomorro