Talking more about gender. And about dating. Because that’s where I ended up in the last post. And why I am done with cishet white dudes.
I had an argument decades ago with a white dude about reading material. This was when I first realized that I was Taiwanese American and wanted to read literature by Asian American women. This was in college so over thirty years ago. I spent a year solely reading literature by non-white non-men people, so not even just Asian American woman. The white dude I was talking to sniffed and said that I was just practicing reverse discrimination, which really set me off. First of all, that’s not a thing. It just isn’t. Secondly, discrimination in the purest sense of the word is not positive or negative–it just is. And we all discriminate on the regular. When someone chooses to eat burgers for dinner, for example, that’s discrimination (in that they aren’t eating anything else).
We all make choices. No one notices when the choices align with the norms. It’s only when the choices are outliers do they raise an eyebrow. What I said to that obnoxious white dude was that I would bet any amount of money he wanted to bet that even with my then-current year of reading non-white dudes, I had read way more dead white dudes than he had people of color. I was 100% sure of that. Thatt shut him up, much to my smug pleasure.
It’s gotten better. In the year of our whatever, 2024, people are aware that there are more than white dudes out there. And yet. Still. Look for a list of ‘best of’ any kind of pop culture, and still, the preponderance of the people on the list are white men. Music, especially. And video games? There is literally a website that tracks how woke a game is, and something as minor as having a Pride flag in the game gets it labeled woke.
When I heard of this, I thought it was some kind of joke. It was not. When I looked at the list, I just had to shake my head and feel both pity and disgust for the people who are so threatened by these kinds of things. I mean, seriously. A Pride flag?? Also, these are the same people who told us to make our own games if we were such special snowflakes that we could not handle mainstream games. And when we did that? Or developers realized that they could get good money out of us? (Or, less cynically, developers share those progressive viewpoints and want to include these things in their games! No way. That can’t be true, can it??)
You can bet that most of the people whining about diversity in games are white straight dudes. Again, I will bet any amount of money on this. All the monies.
I have heard it all. It’s pandering. It’s giving into the minority. They don’t want pronouns in their game. They don’t want to play as a black woman or anything other than a white straight man. Hell, they don’t want it to exist in their games (probably their real lives, too). Awwww can the poor widdle baby not handle the mere existence of a trans person in their game? Or having to actively choose ‘he/him’ as their pronouns when he starts the game?
Who’s the fucking snowflake now?
Oh, wah wah my enjoyment of a game is destroyed because checks notes there’s a Pride flag fyling somewhere in the thirty hours of gameplay. Talk about needing to be coddled! I would find it merely amusing if the attitude wasn’t how they felt in real life as well. They literally want to wipe us out of existence. That’s chilling to the bone.
I understand the mentality of fighting hate with love.
But.
And.
I have such hate in my heart.
I hate the people who don’t think I’m human. I hate that this country is succumbing to our regressive roots and giving into our lesser selves. I hate that I feel paralyzed and hopeless. I hear/read all the hope-filled pablum about taking the high road and fuck. that. noise.
“Love wins out over hate.” Does it? Has it? Will it?
I am not arrogant enough to say that it isn’t true, but i’m also not naive enough to say it is true.
I have not felt this much despair in quite some time. It was bad in 2016, yes, but this is worse. Why? For a few reasons.
Ok. Wait. I was not writing about that, but it does influence the question of dating (see how I draaaaaaged it back to be somewhat on topic?).
I had already decided before this election that I was not going to date straight white dudes. This election has only strengthened that resolve.
Look. I’m old. I’m tired. Dating is hard on me to begin with. If I’m going to do it again, then I’m going to do it on easy mode. Dating straight white dudes is hard mode enabled, and I don’t have the patience for that. I really don’t.
I’m a bit hesitant in thinking about dating/sexing because every time I have in the past four years or so, something bad has come along to slap that idea right out of my mind. It’s as if the universe is telling me, “Oh, Minna. Maybe you don’t need to think about that right now. Or ever.”
I do want sex. But even that’s complicated because my immune system is so terrible. I have to be careful when I go out, and I can imagine mingling fluids with someone I don’t know well is not a great idea. Or even a good one. And yet.
I don’t want to date someone. I don’t want to live with someone. I want to have fun sexy times with someone. Or someones. I want Netflix and chill without the Netflix.
Here’s the other thing–my issue with cishet white dudes is not all about them. It’s partly me and how I’ve been programmed by society to always center them. And by my mother to center any man first, but especially my (hypothetical) husband. I change when I’m dating a cishet dude, and I don’t like who I am. That’s on me. And on my upbringing. It’s something that I could change with therapy–and I want to. But it’s going to take quite some time to undo the damage, and I don’t wnat to date a cishet dude in the meantime beacuse it would just make me backslide.
Part of being the age I am and being introspective is that I know myself pretty well. I know what I can and can’t do right now. And that’s something I can’t do.