Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: genderqueer

Gender is a social construct, part two

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I don’t like thinking about gender because I genuinely get fucked up when I think about it too hard. My mother has been an unrpentant sexist all her life. But in a very weird way. Why weird? Because she did everything she did to cater to my father, and one of his firm ideas was that she had to work outside the house. Not because he was a feminist, but because he was obsessed with money. Or rather, obsessed with the fear of not having enough. Here was my last post about it.

Quick background: My father was from a poor farm family. His father (and I’m hearing this third hand from a heavily biased point of view) got mad because my father’s mother wouldn’t do something or the other, can’t quite remember what, and refused to work on the farm for a decade or so. According to my father, my grandmother had to take over the day-to-day running of the farm.

My father was my grandmother’s favorite (out of five children). He was the youngest boy. He was excused from helping out, apparently, and he was the only one sent to America to get his graduate degree. He was a Fulbright Scholar, full, I think, which is probably the only way he was able to come to the States to study.

The reason I mention that is because it shows how my father’s narcissism was indulged throughout his life. His mother worshiped the ground he walked on and made it quite clear that he was the golden child. Then he married my mother who treated him the same way. When he was the president at the company where he worked, he had a secretary who also did everything for him, including printing out his emails and putting them on his desk for him to read. He would read them, answer in writing, and then give to her to type up and send out for him.

I’m saying all this to point out how reliant my father was on the women in his life. Or rather, how much they catered to him.

In tandem with this, my father has spouted noxious (and toxic) sexist beliefs all his life. When I was fifteen or so and didn’t have a boyfriend yet, he told me unprompted that in order to get a boyfriend, I needed to raise my voice a few octaves (I have a very low voice), ask a boy to teach me something, and let him beat me in a game (pool, ping-pong, whatever). I looked at him and said, “If that’s what it takes to get a boyfriend, I’d rather be single for the rest of my life. I still stand by that.

He’s also said things like this: After seeing a castle in Banff that did weddings, “I would pay for your wedding to be in a castle.” After one of my cousin’s weddings: “I don’t know if I could give you away.” While talking about doing chores at home: “I know Minna will not like this, but I worked full-time.” (As an excuse for not doing chores at home.) “Women like gifts.” (Holding out a wrapped gift he was given to me, in response to me asking what that was for.)


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Invisibility is my superpower

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I’m used to being ignored. It’s a fact of life that people tend to think in the binary. It’s one reason it’s been so difficult to broaden the public consciousness on gender diversity. It’s also a fact that people are territorial. Us and them is pretty much innate (we can argue whether it’s more nature or nurture, but most people feel it to some extent).

I belong to several groups that are outside the binary. I am not black or white. I’m Asian (Taiwanese), so I get ignored when the question of race arises. I’m bisexual, so again, neither gay nor straight. It’s interesting because in the post about trans and gender-diverse people that I wrote about yesterday (at Ask A Manager), there were several bis in the comments (including me) who have said that we’ve  gotten shit from gays and lesbians, and it hurts more than the shit we get from hets.

Side note: I am not happy with the term bisexual, but I don’t like pansexual or omnisexual, either. If I had my druthers, I would call myself sexual and leave it at that. I reall ydon’t like labels (and not in that smarmy ‘no labels’ way), but it’s because I find them constraining. I’m a sloppy, messy person who doesn’t fit into any one category. That’s why I’ll default to the broadest category possible, but still not be satisfied with it.

I’m also areligious/agnostic, rather than an atheist–and I’m certainly not a Christian, I don’t know if there is a god (though I don’t think there is is a Christian God), but at this point, I don’t care. Not in a negative way, but in a ‘I don’t want to think about it any longer’ way.

I have a similar feeling about gender. I just don’t care about it. I had been chewing it over before I ended up in the hospital, and my brain went in many different directions. The reason I started stepping away from ‘woman’ was because of other women. All my life, I had been told that I was not acting properly as a woman.

This included, but was not limited to–not having children (the big one); not wanting children (a bigger one); not wanting to get married; not wearing makeup; not caring about fashion, cooking, or cleaning; liking to climb trees; dislkiking dolls; picturing strangers on the street naked and how they’d be in bed; liking sports; and that’s just the short list. I’m sure some people would put Taiji weapons and video games on that list, too.


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Gender diversity and me

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One thing I appreciate about Ask A Manager is that she often has articles from a diverse panel of people. Today, she has a post about how to include trans and gender-diverse people in the workplace, which is relevant to my interests. I really liked Kalani Kaahi Adolpho and Stephen G. Krueger for their thorough and thoughtful answers and because they engaged in the comments. I appreciated that they were honeest that it wasn’t easy and that it wasn’t cut-and-dry.

It was interesting because it only took a couple comments before someone’s comment was blocked. By the comments in response, I can tell that the original poster made some snide comment about made up pronouns, blah, blah, blah. Later on, there was a lengthy comment by someone who said how hard it was to break the habit of calling someone by their given pronouns. She (and I’m very sure it’s a she) talked at length about how she slipped up with her own nonbinary child often. She also called her cis female friend they because something in her (the commenter’s) friend’s demeanor said ‘nonbinary’ to them. She also noted how her child’s presentation was primarily the same as their gender assigned as birth, so that made it harder on the commenter.

When the commenter got some pushback ranging from ‘try harder’ to how she was centering the conversation on herself, she went into victim mode, saying how she loved her child and would NEVER do anything to harm them, but no, she just needed to TRY HARDER. Which, I mean, yes, it’s difficult. My bestie’s child is nonbinary and my bestie is struggling with their pronouns. Made more interesting because their child uses they/(gendered pronoun), but my BFF does not want to default to the gendered pronoun. She confides to me her struggles, but I’m fairly sure she does not tell her child how difficult it is. Because that would be placing undue burden on her child.

Alison closed this subthread and noted that the conversation was not to be around the feelings of cis people. I really appreciated that because inevitably, these conversations turn down that road. I know it’s human nature to try to relate, but if it’s not about you, it’s not about you. There’s no need to make it about you.

In addition, Alison was quietly moderating the post with an eagle eye. She knew that it was going to be contentious, and she was not wrong. Someone who believed names have gender and was quite dismissive about it had their comment deleted. A pedant (who is in love with the sound of his own voice. He’s a regular commenter with a trans kid so thinks he’s an expert) went on at length how all the neopronouns were not going to stick and OBVIOSULY it was going to be they/them that stuck–and only they/them.

Yes, old cis het white dude. You are the one true truth teller on this subject. He didn’t even state is as an opinion, but as fact. That one was gone in minutes. There was another from someone who basically implied that ‘all this’ was nonsense. Gone in five seconds. It really made me feel better about commenting (and one of the authors actually answered my comment!) as someone who is currently identifying as genderqueer/agender. Gender is not important to me, which puts me in the minority. I don’t want to use pronouns, which also puts me in the minority.


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Genderfucking is fun

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I’m currently bingeing on Harry Styles. I liked What Makes You Beautiful when One Direction sang it, but I was embarrassed to admit it. It’s a perfectly fine catchy pop song, but they were a boy band, and I was way too old for that shit. Plus, I don’t like boy bands in general, though my mania for New Kids on the Block belies that statement. I liked some songs by Backstreet Boys and NSYNC, but I would not call myself a fan.

But there’s something about Harry Styles. It’s not that he’s cute, though he is. If he were ten or fifteen years older, he would be my type. Dark hair, androgynous with a low, growly voice. He’s comfortable in his sexuality and with dressing however the fuck he wants to dress. In fact, he and Lizzo are my perfect pairing at the moment. Both are so resolutely themselves and happy about it, it makes me smile.

I’ve included the video of them at Coachella singing Harry’s smash hit (that I mentioned above) while both are dressed in hot pink. I am currently in a Lizzo phase as well, and, yes, I know I’m late to the party. But I love that she’s unabashedly herself and does not give a fuck who knows it. There’s a video of the two of them singing Juice together, and Lizzo is wearing something revealing and hot. Harry is dresses as bookish nerd is his button-down and striped sweater-vest.

Right now, I’m sitting on my couch in a black tank top and black microfiber boy shorts. I have my hair pulled up in a sloppy bun, secured with a black satin scrunchy. And I have never felt sexier or hotter in my life. Not when I was dressed to the nines. Not when I was skinny as fuck. No. Me being fat and wearing the minimal amount of clothing I can and not get arrested if I were outside my house with my hair haphazardly bunched on the top of my head, not having done a lick of grooming, and I feel fine as hell.


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Insidious gender norms

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Gender is a hot topic right now and it’s something that I’ve reached an uneasy alliance on. I’ve settled on genderqueer, which, while it’s not exactly what I want, is the closest. That’s my M.O. for many issues, by the way. Close enough for government work.

But, there is much food for thought in the subject, obviously, and it’s having a moment right now. Especially with all the terrifying legislation being crafted such as the Don’t Say Gay bill in Florida. Which, is totally not about being queer, claims the Republicans, which is obvious bullshit.

The thing, though, is that as frustrating and infuriating as those bills are, there is another level of gender bullshit that is more insidious–gender norms on the level of ‘women must wear makeup’. Ask A Manager’s readership is overwhelmingly female. Something like 70-80%. They are also progressive, white, high-paying, and white collar. They are very much feminists, but for whatever reason, there are a few pockets of ignorance or refusing-to-see that just annoy the fuck out of me.

The number one is that anytime a woman or female-presenting person writes about not wanting to wear makeup at work, but worrying that they may be penalized for it, without fail, commenters offer ways to wear a little bit of makeup, but, honestly, it’s not really wearing makeup. Like only foundation. Or only mascara. Which, it’s still fucking makeup! I don’t understand how ‘I don’t want to wear any makeup’ keeps getting read as ‘Maybe you could wear a little makeup?’. I say that, but it’s rhetorical. I know why it’s happening. Patriarchy. The idea that it’s not possible for a woman to have her face be all naked and shit! Horror!

In this case, it was a letter by someone who identified their pronouns as they/them. They work in the luxury beauty industry, mid-level, and have gotten comments about their skin that they find intrusive (including suggestions for hiding bags under the eyes and acne) whenever they go into the office. They are female-presenting and uncomfortable with the idea that they may need to conform to gender beauty norms and asked if not wearing concealer may harm their opportunities at their workplace. They also noted that they don’t like wearing makeup now for many reasons. They just wanted to know if they had to wear concealer when they went into the office.

The very first comment asks why they took that job in the first place whereas the second one uses the wrong pronoun for them. Then there are several comments suggesting tinted moisturizer (!), sunscreen (!!), and other makeup-adjacent solutions. Which…I mean…just, no. They clearly state that they don’t want to wear makeup and just wants to know if it’ll negatively impact their career.

There were a few people pointing out that this was sexist in that men would not be asked any of these questions, even in a luxe beauty industry. Also, that that doesn’t mean makeup and that the OP might not have a client-facing role. Some commenters also pointed out that you can work in an industry without personally using the products.


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