Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: gratitude

More pensive thoughts this holiday

It’s Black Friday, y’all. When did this become such a thing? I’ve never been a shopping kind of person, so I don’t understand why this is such a big deal to people. Then again, I also am not someone who is heavily influenced by marketing. I am not loyal to brands. I mean, if something works, I will stick to it–until it no longer works. Or until I find something better. To me, that’s how it should be. I don’t get putting one brand over another simply because of what the label says. Back when I drank pop, I was a Coke person (Caffeiene-free Diet Coke, then Diet Coke, then Coke Zero). I drank the last until they changed the formula. That tasted gross to me so I quit drinking it. Then I quit drinking pop completely. If I do have a pop, though, it’ll be a Diet Coke. I have heard that Coke Zero is back to the old formula, but I haven’t tried it in years.

It’s interesting because I’ve been on a bit of a shopping jag lately, but only for one specific thing–Giant Hoodies. They make huge hoodies that fit most people, and I had bought a few of them in the past. The reason being that the hoodies I had been buying recently were ‘unisex’, but did not fit my massive chest. I cannot buy women’s clothing because it’s usually fitted and will have problems with the shape of my body over all. I have broad shoulders and big biceps on top. I have thick thighs and calves on bottom. I’m just thick and very muscular all over. So, yeah. Fitted women’s clothing is a no-go. Also, what’s up with the capped sleeves? I hate them so much. I hate short sleeves in general, but especially the capped sleeves.

Unisex is usually better about shoulders and arms, but that’s because they are just men’s sizes under a different name. Which means boobage is not taken into consideration. Of course. Also, the sweatshirts that I had this issue with (way too tight across the chest) was with a British company–which I think matters sizing-wise. I’m guessing sizes are smaller over there than here in general. But also, I have just huge boobs. They’re HUGE. And I hate them being squished–which is why I gave up bras.

I also gave up on getting sweatshirts from this company. I’m not naming them because it’s not the company’s fault. Although, weirdly, their t-shirts don’t have the same issue. I live in hoodies in the the winter, and I love them. They are comfy and warm, and they feel like a gentle hug. In fact, they feel better than a hug to me.

I don’t know how I heard about Giant Hoodies, but I was skeptical upfront. Why? Because ‘most people’ usually doesn’t include me. All their hoodies were one-size fits most, and they are pretty pricey. I decided to try one out, and I was delighted with it. Shadow claimed it as his own, and I quickly ordered another one. They also have blankets that are supposed to be really soft and warm. I was skeptical, but I got one one sale, and it’s amazing. Seriously. I sleep with it every night, and it’s the best blanket I’ve ever used. I recently got another for free with the purchase of two more sweatshirts, which was a really great deal.


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Pensive on sometimes-turkey (but sometimes other things) day

It’s Thanksgiving today here in the states. Given the state of the country, I’m not feeling very thankful. I’m not feeling t all grateful. I’m fearful for what is to come in the upcoming years. I was going to set that aside, but I can’t do it quite yet. I’m still not over what happened at the polls, and I don’t know what to do about it. It really feels like a line-in-the-sand moment for this country, and I don’t know what I’m going to do with it.

The fact that over half the voters in this country are that threatened by a black/Indian woman being president was a cold, hard slap in the face. It’s fucking 2024. Aren’t we past this yet? My mother was half-joking that I should move to Taiwan. That’s not a good idea for several reasons, but they did elect a woman as president in 2016. I remember because it was the same year that Hillary Clinton was running for president. Taiwan is also the first Asian country to make marriage equality legal. My mother brought that up as well.

Those would be two very big reasons I would consider Taiwan if there weren’t other big negative reasons to counteract the positives. It galls me, though,that my country of heritage has done two very progressive things, one well before my actual country (assuming we ever elect a non-male president). It was such a shock to me how big the win was by because in my mind, race and gender should not matter at all. I don’t think of either in anything but a positive way, so knowing that others don’t feel that way–my fucking countrymen (and, yes, emphasis on men)–infuriates and saddens me.

I keep stumbling over the fact that we are regressing in a hurry. I had more rights when I was in my twenties than my niblings do today. And the next administratin will do their damnedest to make sure that generations to come have even less personal rights than our ancestors. And the fact that apparently queer people in general and trans people in specific are the number one issue to be dealt with. Even if someone is against queer people, how does it affect them at all?

So. What am I thankful for? I’m thankful for my friends and my brother. I’m thankful that I am still alive, I guess. It’s difficult to say that unequivocally because of what’s going on, though. I keep thinking, “I did not come back for this shit.”

Uh. Oh. I’m glad that I ‘m able to write again. Sometimes, it’s the outside pressure that gets me to do what I need/want to do. That was what grad school did for me. I went to New College of California (sigh. I’m sighing because they got their accreditation stripped for financial shenanigans) to get my MA in Writing & Consciousness. It was a year-long MA program, and while there were many problems with it, it made me write every day.


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What I’m thankful for this year

I don’t do holidays. I did them as a kid and when my niece and nephews were kids, but I’ve never liked them. Holidays, I hasten to clarify, not my niece and nephews. Them, I like a lot. More and more the older they get! They’re really great young adults. But holidays? Being forced to be around people I may or may not spend time with on the regular given my druthers? Nah, son. Not for me. My mother once said to me indignantly that just because something is a tradition, it doesn’t mean it’s bad. Which, true. But, I would counter that just because it’s tradition, it doesn’t make it good, either.

This year, my brother is having a Thanksgiving lunch. I am not going because I don’t feel comfortable being around groups yet. If I hadn’t been in the hospital recently, I would consider it. Well, no, I wouldn’t because if I hadn’t gone into the hospital, my viewpoint would be not to do holiday things as it’s been in the past. It’s the hospital that changed my thoughts on many things, including the pandemic. Which is now endemic. It’s here to stay and I’m not letting it rule my life any longer.

So, if I were a year out of being in the hospital, I would consider going to my brother’s for Thanksgiving. This year, though, it’s too close to my hospital stay for me to consider it. I don’t want to get sick again. And while I’ve relaxed on the pandemic, I’m not ready to be around a group of people again.

So. I do feel grateful this year, though. Thankful, if you will. I’ve spent the last few months pondering my life and the fact that I’m still alive. A brief recap: I somehow got pneumonia. Not sure how. I wasn’t going outside much at that time, but I did open it up a crack from my earlier days of self-isolation. I called 9-1-1, opened the front door for the cops, then collapsed in the front hallway. The cops bagged me when they arrived (with oxygen) while waiting for the EMS. During the ambulance ride, I had two cardiac arrests and a stroke. They had to shock my heart twice and applied an Epi pen once.


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