Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: illness

It’s COVID, baby

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I woke up feeling like shit.

Of course, my first thought was that it was COVID, which is not something I  want to deal with. I know that most people who are triple vaxxed don’t react badly to having COVID, but
I have a shitty immune system. More to the point, I just went through a major health scare that started with walking non-COVID-related pneumonia.

That’s always in the back of my mind, obviously. I was feeling exhausted and skipped my Taiji class that day. I emailed my Taiji teacher to let her know that I had to skip class. That wasn’t that unusual for me, sadly, because of my shitty immune system. When we were in person, I missed classes once every three or four months, but that went way down once we went online.

During the pandemic, I may have missed one or two Zoom classes, but nothing like I did when I went to classes in person. That’s one reason I appreciated online classes–I rarely got sick. Maybe once every six months or so.

So, now that I’m feeling punk, I’m nervous. Yes, it may be an overreaction, but this was now my base. I am extremely tired–am I going to die? That was legit my first thought when I woke up this morning.

I bought and took the CRT. It’s negative. I will check again tomorrow. I’m glad. I will have to check it again tomorrow just in case, but it seems I’m negative. So it’s just something else.

I’m done for today. I hope I feel better soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sickness, Hypothyroidism, and Depression, Oh My!

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constant criticism running through my brain.
Weighted by the world.

In the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling depressed. I have no idea why as there is no logical reason I should be any more depressed right now than I was, say, a month ago, but depression isn’t logical. I know that having suffered from it for most of my life, but it’s still frustrating to feel it descend upon me and not be able to do anything about it. It’s also weird to actually realize it’s happening as it happens because I used to just live in it before. It was like a warm coat that suffocated me as it clung to my every curve. I didn’t know what it felt like to be depressed because I never felt anything else. Now that I’ve gone several years without being chronically and debilitatingly depressed, I know what it feels like to be depressed.

You know how it feels? It sucks. It drains all the color from the world, leaving it a drab gray. It doesn’t help that the environment around me in the physical world right now is also a drab gray, so it’s matching my interior mood. The grass is brown, and the snow has melted. This is the shit time of winter, which is my favorite season by far. I love the cold and the snow and the crisp bright air. But, I hate it when it starts warming up and everything is dead. All the bugs are flying in the air, and it’s easy to get sick during this time.

I feel as if I’m going through the motions, even with things I enjoy. I’m tired all the time, no matter how much or how little I sleep. This is how I used to feel all the time, and I don’t understand how I dealt with it at all. I hate feeling like this, and it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be. I remembered days when I had to force myself to brush my teeth, and that was the only thing I did all day long. I hated myself and my life, and I wanted nothing more than to not exist. I didn’t want to die, per se, because I was convinced that whatever existed after death was worse than life itself. However, everything in my being was telling me that life was a chore and that I shouldn’t be alive.

I’m feeling whispers of the same sentiment now as well. Why am I alive? I don’t want to be alive. I don’t want to die, but I can’t be stuffed to actually care about being alive. I have good things happening in my life and in my friends’ lives, and I know intellectually that I have a lot to be thankful for, but I. Just. Can’t. Care. I try to talk myself out of it, but to no avail. To someone who’s never suffered depression–are there any people who haven’t any longer?–it’s incomprehensible that someone can’t just shake themselves out of a bad mood. That’s why there are so many annoying pieces about Top Ten Ways to Beat Depression! and such shit.
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