Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: life goals

A life plan

On Twitter, I started a thread about how I make one major decision a decade. In my twenties, it was that I didn’t want children. Still the best decision I’ve made in my life, by the way. In my thirties, it was that I didn’t want to get married. And, yes, I make decisions about what I don’t want rather than what I do want. It’s how I roll. What was my decision for my forties? That I didn’t  want to be in a monogamous romantic relationship.

I am now fifty and before I ended up in the hospital, I was pondering my gender identity and whether I wanted to try dating. Yeah, during a pandemic, I was thinking about dating. Maybe because of the pandemic? At any rate, I was thinking about whether I just wanted Netflix and chill (without the Netflix) or to actually date. As for the gender identity, I have never really clicked with being called a woman, but accepted it by default (as with so many things). My question is, do I not feel like a woman because of all the times I’ve been told I wasn’t a woman or because I felt like something else? In other words, was it a positive (going towards something) or negative (going against something) decision? I had a hunch it was the latter rather than the former because I don’t feel like a man or anything else. I don’t feel like any gender, honestly. I connect more with woman because of shared experiences that female-shaped people have, but I don’t feel like I’m a woman, whatever that means.

Side Note: To clarify the negative/positive thing, I don’t feel like a woman, but I don’t feel like any other gender , either. So I’m apathetic about gender as I am about much of other labels. I accept bi, reluctantly, because it’s the least-wince-worthy one to me, but I don’t like it or really feel it describes me. I feel the same limitation with gender pronouns and would simply prefer just to go by my name.

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Envying carefully-cultivated FOMO


I am so done with floors.
Shadow putting himself in a timeout.

I am experiencing FOMO right now, and I know it’s 100% on me. I’m not even talking about FOMO as in seeing how great everyone’s lives are on Facebook and wishing mine were the same. On that topic, however, I’ve been thinking how easy it is to cultivate a FOMO kind of life online. If I wanted to, I could do it in this manner. Post pictures of my trip to Malta last year. Post pics to Binghamton from a few weeks ago. Talk about how I’m going to Philly in a few months to visit my other BFF. Talk about learning sword in taiji and knowing it to the point where I’m impatient with swordplay I see in popular culture. Talk about my friends and how fortunate I am to have them. Post pictures of my cat, Shadow, especially the one I posted here in which he put himself in a timeout. I will note that he opened the drawer himself and then hopped in it. I rarely take pics of him these days, but that one was so adorable, I had to snap it. Wouldn’t you be filled with jealousy if you saw this cute face peering out at you from a drawer as you were sitting on the toilet?

I would also mention how I was eating ice cream for lunch (dairy-free, gluten-free) just because. Haagen Daz Chocolate Salted Fudge Truffle Non-Dairy, to be precise. Want to know something funny? I think the store brand dairy-free ice cream at Target is better than any of the branded ones I’ve tried. I don’t go to Target that often, however, so Haagen Dazs is good in a pinch. I can eat the same thing every day if I want (and often do), though I’m not sure others would envy that. I don’t have to ask anyone for permission to do anything, and I just bought a video game yesterday without having to negotiate it. Granted, it was a ten dollar video game (on sale), but still. All decisions are made by me and me alone. I work from home and have a flexible schedule, and all the work I do can be done anywhere as long as I have a computer and a Dvorak keyboard. I can go to bed whenever I want and get up whenever I want*, and in general, am free from normal society constraints.

The biggest way I could make people jealous is by flaunting my child-free state. I have posted many times that I am positively gleeful to be child-free. I like children in theory, and I like them in small doses, but I do not like children more than, say, two hours at a time. By children, I mean kids under six. Six to ten, maybe four hours. Ten to eighteen, a day. I’d up that incrementally until the ‘kid’ turns thirty upon which they become full adults. Is that ageist? Yes. I’ve felt that way since I was a kid, however. I’ve always liked older people, and I have a hard time relating to anyone under thirty. But. I could post pictures of me doing adult things whenever I want–and by adult, I mean going to see a movie I want to see that doesn’t have Legos in it–having a drink at three in the afternoon if I drank, etc. I know that the purpose of an online presence is make other people jealous, but I don’t see the point. And, yes, I know that’s not the actual point for many people, but for some, it absolutely is.

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