Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: neurodiversity

NaNoWhatMo? WTF am I writing?

I want to talk more about NaNoWriMo which starts in two days. Here is my post from yesterday about it. I want to get back into writing. I miss it a great deal. I mean, yes, I write a post a day, but before my medical crisis, I wrote a post a day plus 2,000 words of fiction. Every day. I would love to do that again. As I’ve mentioned, I did continue to write after my medical crisis, but it was shit. Now, I am hard on my writing no matter what. That’s not unusual for writers. We are (usually) our own worst enemies. In this case, however, the negativity I have towards my writing is valid. Of course I would say that, though. Nobody has a great assessment of their own anything, really. But to me, my writing as of late has been shit. Maybe I needed to push through it to get to the good stuff (which is often the case), but last year or the year before, I tried to write the second book (though I didn’t realize it would be the second book at the time) of my mystery trilogy. I wrote over 50,000 words, and the words never started to shimmer.

I mentioned this before as well that I don’t consider myself anything but a conduit for the words to flow through. I don’t feel like I was the creator of any of my novels, which may actually be the problem now. The words are not flowing through me. Before my medical crisis, I could sit down and write effortlessly for hours. After my medical crisis, I had a much harder time doing that. Yes, I could still write the 2,000 words a day, but it wasn’t nearly as effortless as before.

My goal this NaNoWriMo is…well, I’m not sure. Writing the 2,000 words a day, obviously. That’s my own personal goal because it’s what I used to do. It’s also to see if I can actually finish a novel as I did before. Or my memoir. Speaking of the latter, if I write it, it’s not going to be a straightforward memoir. As I’ve said a few times, my life is not interesting enough for a memoir. Except for the one situation that is unique and has never happened to anyone else.

The problem is, will anyone believe it? I almost can’t believe it myself. Yes, I’ll reference my brother’s CaringBridge journal in which he details what happened to me–but, wait. I’m not sure he mentions that I had two cardiac arrests and a stroke as that happened before he came into the picture. (And the non-Covid-related walking pneumonia which kicked it all off.) He told me about it when I woke up, but no one needs to believe that.


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Where I draw my line (accepting differences)

Yesterday, I was talking about a post on Ask A Manager that talked about how to deal with a man at a convention who was annoying/harrassing several attendants of the con. I meandered hither and yon and never addressed the first person who said it was ableist to ban someone because of their disability.

It’s interesting to me how much energy is given in defending autistic white cis boys/men and how little into doing the same for non-male people with autism. Mainly girls, but also nonbinary/genderqueer/agender people. I think the third category is completely ignored as is almost always the case. But with autistic girls, they are not afforded the same benefit of the doubt.

First of all, many are not even diagnosed. If they act out in the stereotypical male autistic way (stimming, shouting, melting down, etc.), they are more likely to be reprimanded or punished for it. I’m grossly simplifying matters, of course, but I’m not wrong, either. It’s that way with many things that are considered typical male behavior (including ADHD).

That gender issue is the reason I never even consider that I had autism, but I’ve talked about that elsewhere. Back to the post.

The commenters were pretty good at dissecting the one comment about Alex potentially being banned for his disability (versus being banned for his behavior). If anything, he was given more leeway because he was neuroatypical as the past committees tried to find ways to accommodate that.

Side note: I think one of the best suggestions was to have a code of conduct that could work for everyone. Someone else added that there should be a specific notice about sexual harassment. Several people suggested the code of conduct, which I appreciated. But those who were saying that there should be specific rules for Alex were off-base, I think. If it’s a very small fandom then perhaps you can have rules per person, but it quickly gets ungainly.

The sceond defense of Alex was that it’s not up to neurotypicals to decide if a neuroatypical perosn’s behavior is weird or not. I agree when it comes to behavior that does not directly affect the neurotypical person such as stimming, not looking someone in the eye, etc. However, when it comes to interactions, yes, the person being interacted upon gets to decide how much they want–especially in personal interaction (as opposed to work).

Side note: It’s the same when people say that you should date all races. That it’s racist not to. Well, the latter is true, but as a person of color, I do not want someone to date me out of guilt or obligation. I have had a few white women espouse this belief, and, uh, no thanks. I don’t need your pity date, thank you very much. I don’t want to date someone who is not eagerly wanting to date me!


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When neurodivergent and creepy intersect

Many times, creepy dudes try to excuse their behavior or other creepy dudes’ behavior by whataboutautism?! Meaning, they pull out the ‘maybe they’re on the spectrum’ card at the merest whiff of the c-word (creep).

I was reading today’s Ask A Manager column, and there was a question about a middle-aged man at a con (that is almost all women/young girls) who monopolizes conversations, can’t read social cues, and in one case, stalked a woman in a social media group for this particular fandom and had to be banned. Then, he sent gifts to her house as an apology. This same woman will be attending the next con as a speaker.

Before I dive into it, here’s my last post about compartmentalization.

Some other details: in the past, Alex (the man in question) had a chaperone to smooth over the interactions (paraphrasing the LW). In a nutshell, he would monopolize someone’s time and not read any cues that they wanted him to stop. If someone was definitive with him, he would simply move onto the next woman/girl and do the same thing with them. The Letter Writer, who is on the committee for this year’s con, said this committee couldn’t babysit Alex this time around.

The majority of the commenters said just to ban Alex. A sizeable minority suggested some version of babysitting, including a stoplight solution (three different buttons. Green for ‘I’m up for chatting’. Yellow for ‘I only want to talk ot people I know’. Red for ‘Stay the fuck away from me’. More than one person pointed out that it wouldn’t work in this case because the problem was specifically Alex and not talking to people in general.

One thing that ran through the comments was how much energy was devoted to one man at the expense of everyone else. Several women had complained about Alex. The LW hastened to add that there was no evidence of anything untoward (I’m assuming meaning grooming-like behavior), but that the girls did not like it and did not know how to tell him to stop talking to them.

I firmly believe that many times when people talk about how creepy men are just misunderstood or on the spectrum, they are full of shit. Oftentimes, it’s neurotypical men who are creeps themselves who toss out this excuse because they want a shield for their own creepiness. Also, it’s been pointed out that being called a creep is considered worse than actually being a creep, much like being called a racist is a hundred times more hurtful than actually being the victim of racism.


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Me as a cohesive whole

In the last post, I was talking about how different parts of myself can’t be compartmentalized. I also mentioned that I was a socialist and an anarchist, but those aren’t separate things. I’m also a pragmatic capitalist. And yes, I made up that term just now. What I mean by it is that I acknowledge that people want to make money. People want to thrive, and I have no problems with that. What I do have a problem with is not making sure that everyone is able to survive.

Look. I take this as a basic requirement for being a part of a society. As a collective, we should do what we can for every individual of said collective. I know this is not something all Americans believe (or even most?), but it’s at the very core of my own beliefs. Which is why I identify as a socialist. But, I also know that people need to be allowed to shine at different levels, which is the pragmatic/capitalistic part of me.

As for the anarchist, one reason I didn’t consider it is because I do believe in a (limited) hierarchy and (limited) government. I truly don’t think we could get any shit done as individuals without anybody in charge/leading. It’s hard enough when it’s just a bunch of friends trying to figure out where to go on a Friday night. If one person doesn’t take the lead, no one is going anywhere.

To me, it seems pretty simple that a society/community has a responsibility to all the members of the community to ensure that they have shelter, food, and an access to healthcare. I have explained before that when it comes to healthcare, I think everyone should have basic coverage. No one should go bankrupt or lose their home because they have to go to the hospital. Everyone should be able to go to the doctor once a year. At the bare minimum.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask, honestly. In America, any time someone wants to grouse about paying for this and that (with taxes), my retort is and will always be, “If we cut a billion dollars from the defense budget, we could cover everything else.” I’ve felt this way for decades, and you cannot dissuade me from this position. We spend the most for defense, no matter how you look at it. $900+ billion, which is three times the amount that China spends. It’s 3.4% of our GDP whereas China’s is 1.7% of their GDP. Russia is third with $109 billion, which is 5.9% of their GDP.

You’re telling me we can’t cut a measly billion dollars from that? I don’t buy it, and I never will. EVER.

Back to anarchy.

I am not a strict anarchist as I’ve mentioned. Honestly, I’m too much of a minority to be one of those. Sad, but true. If no one was in charge, people like me would be the first to go. Not to say we’re not, anyway, but I give us a better chance of surviving with a good government in place. Do I like that? No. Would I prefer not to have a government/hierarchy? Yes.


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Oh what a feeling (realization)

I’m back with more about masking, what I consider ‘normal’, and why I’m a social anarchist. And, yes, these are all connected. Maybe just in my mind, but they are connected. Also, this was the last post I wrote.

By the way, I will forever be grateful to Ian for pointing out that he thought I was an anarchist. For whatever reason, it never occurred to me taht I might be one. Probably because of the very negative portrayal of anarchists in the media. I know, I know. Grain of salt and all that, but when a message is constantly pushed in your face (like neurodivergent people are broken/flawed, ahem) , it’s easy to unthinkingly accept that propaganda as truth.

Here’s the thing about rules (to me). I follow them when they make sense. Such as road rules. It makes sense to follow traffic signals, for example. If people driving on the road relied on everyone negotiating who had the right of way, well, there would be a lot more deaths on the road than there already are.

Same with taxes. Grossly simplified, I believe in the collective common good and doing what we can for those among us who have the least. I think everyone should have a roof over their head, food to eat, and the ability to see a doctor when they need to (for a few very basic human rights). I believe it’s our duty to ensure that for everyone in our society. If that means cutting our defense budget, so be it.

Oh, by the way. This observation by Ian happened because I was saying that I was a libertarian with a small l in most situation. He said that I seemed more like an anarchist to him, and something clicked inside me when he said that–with some caveats.

I do believe in government. I don’t think having no government would be an improvement over having one. It’s not even that I don’t believe that individuals will do the right thing  (though I don’t), but more that you can’t run a large institution like a country without there being some structure. Even something as basic as roads. How is that going to happen if there isn’t an umbrella organization (government) that makes it happen? There are things that individuals simply can’t do.

Anyway. To veer sharply back to the topic at hand, I think part of the reason I’m an anarchist is because of my neurodivergency. What do I mean by that? I mean that the fact that I don’t see things in the way most people see them is one reason that I can strip away the window dressing (most of the time) and focus on the window.

Side note: I’m also a socialist, but that’s another post altogether. I feel the two go hand-in-hand, actually.


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When the mask cracks and/or slips

In my attempt to write about how I’ve struggled to be normal all my life, I got massively derailed into delving into my family dysfunction. It’s related, but not what I really wanted to talk about. I ended the last post by noting that old people sometimes cite their age as an excuse for retro behaviors/beliefs. I mentioned how I hate that because they neatly skip over the fact that they’ve been alive in the decades since that birth and have had every opportunity to update their beliefs.

That’s not what I want to talk about, though. One reason I realized that I might be neurodivergent is…well, let me take you through the steps.

I am extremely adept at reading social situations. As I have mentioned before, this is because I had been groomed by my mother to be her emotional support person. She expected me to listen to her complain for hours at a time about my father and to soothe shattered emotions.

I was talking to A about how I was way-too-empathetic, but it wasn’t natural. I explained how my brain worked when someone told me something highly emotional (or just any big event). Let’s say it was getting a new job. This is how it would go.

Friend: Hey, Minna. I have news.

Me (thinking): News. What does that mean? How do they sound? Happy or sad.

Friend: I got a new job.

Me (thinking): New job, new job, new job. Is this a good thing? A bad thing? Have they mentioned this before?

(My brain frantically trying to remember if friend has mentioned anything about their job in the last few months while not showing any outer turmoil.)

Friend: It was rather sudden. It only happened in the last three days.

Me (stil thinking): Am I supposed to know about this? It happened suddenly. Does that mean good or bad?

Me (out loud): That is quite sudden! (Hoping they will reveal more.)

Friend: It comes with a 20% pay increase and double the PTO. And full insurance! I’m so thrilled.

Me (in relief, scrambling to come up with an appropriately enthusiastic tone): Oh, that’s great! I’m so happy for you. What thrilling news!


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Living my life as best I can

Labels. It’s not the main thing I want to talk about, but it’s important. Why? Because as much as I’d love to be free of labels, it’s not going to happen any time soon. More importantly, as long as we live in a society that thrives on slapping labels on people. We must know who is in and who is out, musn’t we?

(Which is my issue with the Democrats hammering on the ‘weird’ meme. I get it, but I’m still not happy about it.

In my last post, I mentioned that I had some empathy for my mother when she was younger beacuse she basically was a single parent of three children (the third being my father) in a foreign country when she was in her late twenties. She worked forty hours a week (taking the bus back and forth, which was half an hour to forty-five minutes each way, depending on traffic), then came home to cook for my brother and me. My father was never home before ten p.m. because of the affairs he was having. Yes, that was the reason, and my mother barely kept it from me.

In fact, as I have mentioned, she started using me as an emotional support person when I was eleven.

She did all the chores around the house, too. Except for mowing the lawn and a few other ‘manly’ chores (like taking out the garbage). I’m sure she helped with shoveling the snow, though, because we lived in Minnesota. We got a LOT of snow.

It really wasn’t fair.

My mother worked forty-plus hours a week (plus commute), then had to do the cooking, the cleaning, the sewing, and anything else around the house. Plus, my father had all these unspoken rules that my mother (and my brother and I) had to follow. the biggest one was that no one other than my father was allowed to show any negative emotions. If I got upset, angry, or scared at all, I got yelled at.

I distintcly remember when I was a teenager, my father and I had a huge fight. I don’t remember what it was about, but it was loud and angry. On both sides. I ran to my room and slammed the door. A minute later, my father flung open the door and screamed about how I was not allowed to do that in his house.

That was the day I knew that I could never ever have an honest moment with my father. Should I have yelled at him? No. Should I have slammed the door to my room? Also, no. But I was a teenager. Acting out is a very teenaged thing to do. What he should have done, I don’t know. but acting like a more out-of-control teenager in return was not it.


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Neurodiversity and me, part six

In yesterday’s post, I was musing about not even considering that I might be autistic. Plus a bunch of other things, too. I was saying how because of the norm being so engrained (and pushed), you can’t even see that there might be something else. Social skills? Of course everyone knows that when someone asks you how you are, you’re supposed to say ‘fine’. That’s just, like, you need to know it by osmosis!

Side note: So many of the things we think are normal or natural really aren’t. I see it on Ask A Manager when someone who was either in retail or in a blue collar job starts working in an office job. So many of the things that the commenters take for normal are questioned–and when you get down to it, there really is a lot of things in the white collar world that don’t make sense.

Things like why is it better to be salaried rather than hourly (in general, it’s not, but it benefits the employer to say it is). Things like what to wear to the office (there was a rousing debate recently as to whether not wearing a bra in the office is unprofessional for women), do you have to join in on after-work activities? (Depends on the office), etc. It’s a lot to think about, and it’s hard because it differs from office to office.

Same with culture in general. Cultural norms in the Midwest is much different than cultural norms in the Northeast, for example. Or New York. In New York, the culture is to be direct and forthright. In Minnesota, it’s to be the exact opposite. There’s a reason what we do is called ‘Minnesota Nice’. It’s because we are so very nice to your face and then tear you apart behind your back. Not really the second part, but the first part is true. Nice to your face regardless of how we feel about you.

When it comes to being neuroatypical, so much of it is couched in negatives. Meaning, that the person who is neuroatypical is deficient in some ways. Not reading social cues is considered a negative. Being obessesd with one thing. Not making eye contact. The stimming.

I mentioned in the last post that I don’t care about things like wearing makeup, fashion, etc. I also don’t care if people care that I don’t care. What I do care about, however, is maknig people feel heard. That’s because of my upbringing, and it’s not something I’ve had success in getting rid of. Mitigating? Somewhat. But also, I’ve learned to not care while performing caring. I mean, I’ve always just been performing caring, but now, I can not care about it as I do it–more so than before.


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Neurodiversity and me

I want to talk more about neurodiversity. Yes, again. Deal with it. Did you know that part of ADHD is hyperfocus? It’s OK if you didn’t because many people don’t. Rightly so because it’s always talkead about as if it’s just a lack of focus or the inability to focus, but it doesn’t have to be either of those.

I have lived all my life knowing there is something wrong with me. It has been said to me over and over again in so many different ways. I was talking with my Taiji teacher today about this. One of the reasons I liked her from the beginning is because she was very honest about her own weird childhood. She grew up in bumfuck, South Dakota to parents who were not the most supportive. We could relate with each other on this level.

She was bullied as a child as was I. She told me that it reached the point where she realized that she could do nothing wrong–so she might as well do what she wanted. She added that she never thought she was a bad person so that helped her push back.

In may case, I thought I was a stain on the world and that it would be better off without me. This is something my parents imparted on me, mostly implicitly, but in a few explicit ways. No, not that they actually said that I was worthless, but the way my mother nitpicked and criticized (still does) everything I said, thought, felt, had the same implied message. I was wrong as I was, and I better not let the real me show.

Here are just some of the things that she has made very clear she does not care for one bit in me:

1. My sexuality. I’m bisexual. I realized that when I was in my early twenties. When I told my mother, she did not take it well at all. For many reasons.

There were several times before then, though.

2. Me being a tomboy. This was something that early on, had I recognized it, should have clued me in on how the rest of my life was going to go.

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Outside the norm

So I’v ebeen prattling on and on about being a weirdo. It’s something I think about because I have never been a normie. Even before I realized that I waws outside the norm, I knew I wasn’t like everyone else. When I was a kid, that just made me miserable and lonely. And I felt as if there was something wrong with me.  It was only when I hit my…thirties that I realized how much of a freak I was.

In my early twenties, I started to see that being Asian, a woman, and bisexual, were all minorities. Put them all together, and it was one giant minority. I went to my first queer Asian women conference when I was twenty-two or twenty-three, and it was an eye-opener. I felt like I fit in for the first time, but even then, I knew I was still on the fringe. Yes, it’s possible to both fit in and be on the fringe.

Here’s the thing. We were playing the fun game of putting everyone on the femme/butch spectrum. Look. It was the nineties. It was a different time. When they got to me, the person who was doing the labeling paused for a long time and said that they could not put me on the spectrum. I was very pleased with this because that’s how I felt about myself. I wasn’t adrogynous because I embraced both the femme and the butch rather than eschew them both.

At the time, I had hair past my shoulders, big boobs, and wide hips. I look feminine even though I did not wear makeup and was not at all into fashion. On the butch side, I had a deep voice and a no-nonsense attitude. My hobbies leaned more masculine, and I hod no interest in typically feminine things. I was not a soft butch, either, that meant touches of femininity that I had no interest in.

I think it’s really difficult to talk about this because I don’t want to be dismissive of feminine hobbies and habits, but they don’t interest me at all. And I don’t think I should be penalized for that, either. Like, me saying I don’t wear a bra should not be something that women take issue with, but from the reactions I’ve seen in Ask A Manager forums, well, that’s naive of me.

I have known since my early twenties that I did not want to have kids. At all. Like, with prejudice. The idea of having them was repugnant to me, though I would not say that to anyone, obviously. Not people having children in general, but me in particular having children. It’s not a pregnancy thing, though that’s also something that I would not want to do. It’s the idea of actually having children that repulsed me. Again, for me.

When I was in my mid-to-late twenties, I had many women asking me if I was going to have children. Keep in mind that it was never a subject I brought up. Why would I? I didn’t want them, so there was no reason for me to bring it up. I thought that if I just simply said I didn’t want to have kidswhen they asked, it wouldn’t be a big deal.

I was naive and I was stupid. So many women took offense at my answer, even though as I said, I never brought up the subject. I only answered when asked, and I shouldn’t havve done that.


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