Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: sleep schedule

How to fix my brain or at least ride the waves better

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My post from yesterday. Lots of musing. Many years ago, my last therapist told me, “Your brain got you into trouble; it’s not going to be what gets you out.” I can’t remmeber the exact problem we were talking about, but it’s true just in general. One of my autistic friends and I have had several converastions about how our brains work. She just shared with me that she thinks of her brain as a separate entity, which really resonated with me. And it lines up with the aforementioned aphorism from my therapist.

It doesn’t help with fixing the problem, of course, but it may help with me changing the way I think about it. For most of my life, I have really harangued myself for not being able to make myself do things that I know I should do. As I said to my friend, it’s so hard when I’m sitting at my computer and literally telling myself to go to bed. And then I just…don’t. I will be staring at the screen, not doing anything particularly important, chanting to myself, “Go to bed; go to bed; go to bed,” and then I don’t. For hours. While getting progressively madder at myself.

My Taiji/Bagua teacher gave me a suggestion, which is to do the Solo (Long) Form slowly until I’m bored and then go to bed. Like, really slowly. She had me practice doing the first section in five minutes–I can usually do it in about two. When she timed me, I did it with about 17 seconds to spare, which wasn’t bad. And, yes, the theory is that it’s so boring, it’ll put you to sleep. Which it is.

Look. The Solo (Long) Form is the basis for everything we do in Taiji, so I know I should treat it with respect. If I do it at normal speed, I feel good about it. Or rather, I feel as if I’m getting something out of it. But If I’m going to be brutally honest, I feel slightly bored as I do it. It’s never been my favorite, and it still isn’t. I hated it when I first started Taiji; I’m not going to lie. Then, I became studiedly neutral about it. Now, I’m warm about it because it has had such a positive effect on me, but is it my favorite thing in Taiji? No. Is it the thing I would first choose to ppractice? Also no. Or even the fifth? Once again, no.

But. And this is very important for me to emphasize. It’s the basis for everything we do, and I do at least once section of it every day. But that doesn’t mean that I love it or want to practice it. I don’t, and I don’t. It’s like veggies (if you don’t like them). You eat them because you know they’re good for you, even if you don’t like the taste of them.


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A birthday resolution (of sorts)

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My sleep schedule is completely off the rails. This is the worst it’s ever been. Well, not quite, but very close. As with many things in life, it didn’t happen at once, of course. But bit by bit, it’s gotten worse. It’s fifteen minutes here and fifteen minutes there. And “suddenly”, I’m going to bed after the sun rises.

I tell myself that I’m going to go to bed by a reasonable hour, but before I know it, it’s past dawn once again. I try not to be too mean to myself, but it’s so damn frustrating. Why the fuck can’t I just do what I say I’m going to do?  I know it’s part of my neurospiciness, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept that I’m doing it.

In addition, I’m not sleeping well. I think thats’ because of what’s happening in the world. It’s pretty bleak right now, and I don’t see it getting better. When I talked to K a few days ago, I mentioned that I don’t remember a time in our life that has felt as bad and bleak as this. She agreed with me, and we both just hate what’s happening. She’s talked about the frustration she feels with activivsm. She has acrtively done activism all her life. Protests, calling her congressperson, and such. Plus, she’s worked as a teacher/principal for disadvantaged youth for almost as long as I’ve known her.

She confessed to me that she’s just burnt out, and I do not blame her one bit. She has been working tirelessly for society’s good for thirty years, and I do not blame her for laying down the mantle. I have not been as diligent as I mostly just donate money. I’ve been to a protest here and there, but that is very much outside my comfort zone. And these days, I definitely cannot go where e there is a group of people.

I give money to several organizations that would be considered political. I know people say that money is not everything–it’s not. But, it is something. And it does help. And for someone like me who lives in a very blue neighborhood and cacnnot go out much, it’s the best I can do. I still do it, even though I feel it’s hopeless.

I haven’t felt this kind of hopelessness for some time, honestly. I mean, I felt pretty bleak during the W. years for many reasons. They were dark times, and I feared what that president would do. However, I never for a moment thought he would casually blow up a country. That’s not to say I didn’t fear he would use nuclear weaponry–I did. It just never occurred to me that he would do it simply because he felt like it*.


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Sleep is my bugaboo

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Yesterday, I wrote about sleep and how mine has been getting more erratic in the past few months. I was not sure why because it’s been pretty consistent since I left the hospital. A tight eight hours, waking up once to pee. Yes, I had been pushing the time back later and later,  but I was still getting my eight hours. In the last month or two, however, it’s been reverting to how it was before. Waking up and not being able to fall back asleep. Six-and-a-hlaf hours total instead of eight. I have no idea why because it’s not as if my life is very different.

Then, I realized why it might be. I have started to do more Bagua than I have before. It’s still an internal martial art, yes, but it’s way more energetic than Taiji is. It gets my blood going, and it makes me so hyped. My Taiji teacher told me to do it in the morning when I first wake up because it really pumped up the blood. I try to do it early in my Taiji routine, but it still seems to keep me agitated hours later.

I can’t say it’s a direct correlation, obviously, but it seemed to have started at the same time as when I got serious about Bagua. When it was just walking the circle, it didn’t get my blood up as much. In general, the walking the circle did not get to me like that. It’s the teacup move that does it. It’s hard to explain, but it’s moving your hands in a certain pattern while holding your hands flat as if a teacup full of tea is on each one. The drill is for each hand forward, individually, then bothtogether. After, it’s each hand backwards, individually, then both.  This is what gets me going, and I’m pumped.

If this is the reason that I’m having more trouble with my sleep, then so be it. It makes me feel better in general, and that’s what is important. I am still getting eight-ish hours on a regular basis. I’m just waking twice and not falling back to sleep as easily.

I’m ok with it, though, because I’m still getting enough sleep. It’s weird, though ,that some days I’m raring ot go and other days I just want to constantly nap. I’ll wake up, struggle to do something for five minutes, then fall back asleep. Other days, I just sail through everything I need to do without a second thought.


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Spicing up my life

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I want sex. It’s been more than a hot second since I’ve had it, and now is exactly not the time to seek  it out. There is no way to copulate with six feet between me and another person, and the idea of wearing masks…well, that’s not my kink. I know there’s Skypesex and sexting, but neither are what I want right now. I had no point with that, but I just wanted to throw it out there.

Let’s talk sleep. My schedule has taken a drastic turn for the worse. I’ve been going to bed as late as 5:30 in the morning, which, how the hell did I used to do this on the regs? Part of the problem is Spiritfarer, I’ll be frank. If I start playing it any time after midnight, all bets are off when I’ll actually end up sleeping.

There are deeper reasons, however, and they’re the same as they ever were plus exciting new Covid-19-related reasons. One, the longer I stay awake, the longer I put off having to get up for the next day. No, it doesn’t make sense, but my brain doesn’t care about that. Two, I just don’t sleep well. At all. The weighted blanket has helped as had taiji, but it’s still fraught with all kinds of bullshit.

With all that being said, what I actually want to talk about is cooking. I don’t cook. Or rather, I didn’t cook. I didn’t see the point in it because it’s a lot of work for someone who lives alone. Yes, I know about batch cooking and freezing and whatnot, but I simply didn’t want to do it. I don’t like to cook–yes, yes, I know that’s heresy in this day and age–and I resisted any urge to do so. There’s a whole lot of gendered expectations wrapped up in all that, but mostly, it was just too much trouble.

Here’s the thing about depression as I experience it. I live with a triage mentality every day. What absolutely has to get done and what can be punted down the line. For example, I’m doing laundry today. I should have done it at least a month ago. It’s a bit more acceptable because I don’t go anywhere, but I’m down to skirts and ripped t-shirts. Even in the Before Times, I pushed laundry until the very last moment, but this is beyond ridiculous.

If I make something a routine such as my wake-up taiji regime, then my brain just takes it as an immutable. Again, don’t ask me how it works because I don’t know, but it’s my way of tricking my brain. I get up, take my thyroid pill, feed Shadow, clean the litter, brush/floss my teeth, and then taiji routine. This is sacrosanct, and I don’t question it. Something like laundry, however, which is not done every day, it’s much harder to force my brain to do it. I’ve been meaning to do it for the past two or three weeks, but my brain has overridden all my intentions.

How did I make myself do it this time? Not entirely sure. I just started throwing things down once I woke up, but I had done that a few weeks ago as well. I simply wouldn’t allow my brain to detour from it, which is something else I can do from time to time. Yes, it’s like my brain is a computer that I have to override, which is annoying as fuck.

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