Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: Weapon Forms

A new year, a new me?

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Let’s talk more about my birthday and my goals for the upcoming year. Before I do that, though, I am so stoked about the weapons I have ordered. I am working on the Double Fan Form, and I’m not loving it. I don’t know why because I adore the Fan Form. Something about this is not working in my brain. The video I’m watching is split in front and back view ins the same view at half-speed. Theoretically, it should be a gerat way to learn the form because I can look at both front and back–but I think that’s actually part of the problem. I have a hard time focusing on one or the other. I think I prefer two separate videos because then I can focus on one or the other.

Yes, I know I could do that myself, but my brain doesn’t work that way. I have added a few more movements. It’s…fine, but not blowing me away. I can’t help but compare my feelings about the Double Fan Form to how I felt when I learned that I could do the Cane Form with the Saber. Not only did that blow my mind, but it felt so damn good. I gave myself a week to learn it, but it took three or four days. One day per row (four rows).

I just did a quick practice of what I know for the Double Fan Form. My brain still can’t grasp it completely. I’ve looked at a few different forms. There are three that seem to be the most repeated. One might be the official one–the one I’m trying to learn. Another one is a bit more aggressive, which I like, but not what I’m about right now.

I feel like I should learn the official one first before branching off to the other ones. I need to be patient with myself, but I’m used ot learning new forms pretty quickly. Why is this one so hard? My impulse is to say that it’s beacuse the two fans do different things, but up to this point, they really don’t. Also, in the Double Saber Form, the two sabers do different things, and I did not have too hard a time with that form.

The Double Sword Form has been fun, but it’s just me messing with two swords. For whatever reason, though, it feels much more natural than the Double Fan Form (formal). There is not an official Taiji Double Sword Form (that I can find), but there are two that I’ve found that are pretty cool. One is Taiji and the other is labeled Taiji/praying mantis.

Ha. I found a cool video of one man with two swords fighting another man with a spear. It turns out to be someone I subscribe to–the guy who reviewed the twin straight swords I bought. I’ve included the video below.


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Hanging on by a thread

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I’m tired. And depressed. And anxious. I know that I am in a bad way for several reasons. One, my sleep is terrible. I mean, it’s nearly the worst it’s ever been, and that’s saying something. I am trying to claw my way back to not completely off the rails, but it’s so hard. Here is my post from yesterday, meandering all over the place.

Another thing is that I’m wasting too much time not doing anything productive. It’s fine to spend some time playing video games, but not as much as I’ve been doing. I know that’s one way I self-medicate, so to speak, because it’s easy to numb myself out by doing another run (Balatro) or going a bit farther (Shadow of the Erdtree) and taking on one more boss (ditto).

By the way, I’m pleased that there are still people playing the DLC. I mean, I should not be surprised as there are still people playing every other From game I play. I can summon for any of the games, though not for every boss. And I get invaded with some regularity as well. Today, I was able to summon humans for most of the bosses I fought. This has been the case for the past few days as I’ve been cleaning up the DLC. Today, there’s only been one dungeon boss I’ve wanted to summon a human for and could not, but I do not blame people for not wanting to be summoned for that boss.

I am surprised that there was a summon for a boss I consider really blah, and it’s not easy to find. I’ve only had trouble with this boss on my melee character–none at all with my casters. It’s an interesting storyline, but, sadly, the two places you have to go to blow whistles in order to get to this boss are shit.

Briefly, there are these snake-like creatures that fall from the sky. One is a mage who can freeze you in place for several seconds while the others spawn and munch on you. The range is insane, and it homes so you have to ride/walk/run out of its reach. Which is impossible to do for me because I can’t gauge how far it’ll go. What did I do instead? Use the invisibility spell, Unsseen Form in order not to be seen by them. I’m wearing an armor set that muffles my footsteps so I don’t have to waste a talisman slot on the muffled footsteps talisman.

I zipped by all the munchy snakes, got to the whistle (eventually. It’s a maze and difficult to navigate), and blew it. Then I teleported back to the NPC/church so I could take on the boss. I got a human summon, and we managed to do it in one try. The human summon died right before the end of the fight, sadly, but I got the last blow as they died. So, once again, this was an easy fight as a caster.


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More about weapons if I may (and I may)

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Here is my post from yesterday in which I blathered about weapons. I am going to do more of the same in this post.

I have struggled with what to call myself in terms of my status, for the lack of a better word, because I was not and have not been a newbie for quite some time. I would never call myself a master, either, beacuse that’s well above my pay grade. Advanced student just feels right. It’s not too specific, but it’s not overly broad, either.

I would be down with senior student as well. These seem to have roughly the same meaning. I get that it’s still a pretty wide range, but it feels apt to me.

I have mentioned several times that I feel like a switch has been flipped inside of me. Roughly six months ago, I would have said that I liked weapons and really dug the forms. But I would not have said that I was…I dunno. Serious about them?

It’s hard to say because I have imposter syndrome. I think I’m worse at everything than I really am. Well, most everything. I am (or was) confident in my writing, my ability to talk to people (but that comes with massive downsides, and it was not something I chose to do), my charm (which I don’t want to abuse), and a few other things. And I’ve been confident in my weapon forms in that I learn them fairly easily.

But I was not doing hours of weapon forms practice a day. I was not min-maxing my weapons. I am so not a min-maxer–in games or in weapons. I talked about how I would look at weapon forums, and it was just not for me. I’m not a tech head in anything I do. I’m a heavy tech user, yes, but only to the extent in which it’s useful to me. I don’t care about specs except how much I need to to run what I want to run.

It’s the same with the weapons. I care only to the extent that they feel good and move nicely in the air. The spec themselves don’t matter to me. I will admit that looks matter to me. I want my weapons to look and feel good. I am a bit miffed that there are no really great fans. I bought a nice aluminum one, but it is so stiff. All the base ones have, ah, really bad printed pictures on them. Sigh.

It’s weird, actually. I don’t understand why I can’t find a better fan than the ten dollar one I have. I mean, I can find a slightly better version and have (with bamboo ribs rather than plastic), but the pictures on the better ones are still pretty basic. I know that’s a minor point, but I would feel so much better if I could find a prettier fan.


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Let’s talk more about weapons (because I can)

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It still boggles my mind that I am actually creating a weapon form. It’s not canon, and it’s not anything I would show to anyone right now, but I’m having a good time with it.

Oh, side note. I talked to my brother about the Xfinity issue, and it may be on my side. So I’m going to test it out and see if it is my bad. It’s not completely on me (I know this as a fact), but if there’s anything I can do to mitigate it, well, that’s a plus, I guess.

I’m so worn-out right now. My sleep has been completely off the rails, and my anxiety is keeping me up at nights. I can’t deal with the world around me, and I want to do better in my personal life as well. I don’t feel like it’s worth it, though. Or rather, I don’t feel like the world is worth it. And that’s how I know I need to find a therapist.

Back to weapons. In yesterday’s post, I was rambling all over the place. One thing I wanted to talk about and kind of did, is that one thing people don’t tell yopu about exercise is taht you want to find something you enjoy doing. I mentioned that I walked four miles a day for a year while I was in the East Bay, and I hated every step. It never got better. I never actually liked it. I just did it because I had no other way of doing exercise. Once I got back to Minnesota, I gave it up in a hot second.

After my medical crisis, while my parents were here, I started going for a walk with them every day. I didn’t want to, but it was easier to go than to argue about it with my mother. And I still hated it. In part because my father walks reaaaaaaaallly slowly. Even after my medical crisis, I walked at a brisk pace (once i got my energy back). I figured out that the way to do it was to walk fast on the way out, wait for them to catch up, and then stroll with them on the way back. It still wasn’t great, but that made it manageable.

It will never be my first choice for exercise. Walking, I mean. People extol how great it is, but I hate it. Let me amend that. I hate doing it for exercise. I don’t mind doing it just to get from Point A to Point B. Why is that? I’m not sure. I think it’s because when I’m doing it to get where I need to be, I just accept it’s something I have to do. When I try to do it as exercise, I resent the hell out of it. Let’s not talk about running, which I loathe with the intensity of a thousand suns.


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Weapons all day long

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I’m still on that weapons tip. Well, as much as I can. There are other things in my life that are not good, but I’m trying not to think about them at the moment. In yesterday’s post, I rambled about weapons, life in general, and why I need this. By ‘this’, I mean weapons. I’m feeling very bleak about the world right now, for personal and political reasons. I am not pleased with the state of, well, everything. Weapon forms are one thing that actually fill me with joy. They give me meaning and hope. Well, maybe not hope, but something positive to focus on.

Back in the day, Marie Kondo was hot for about ten seconds. Her phrase ‘sparks joy’ seemed to be everywhere (you should only keep something if it ‘sparks joy’ in you), and I will admit that I got sick of it. But, I will say it fits for the weapons. The weapon forms definitely spark joy in me. And that’s something I don’t have much of these days.

I’m having an ongoing issue with Xfnity, and I have no clue how to solve it because it’s impossible to get a person to talk to. I tried to the last time this came up and could not talk to an actual person. I did what I could to mitigate the issue, but it’s come up again. And I’m going to have to go through the motions to try to fix it, knowing that it’ll fail. And that because they’re a fucking monopoly, I can’t switch companies.

I’m going to do what I can to deal with it, but I’m probably going to end up throwing money at it. I’m not happy about it, but that’s really all I have. And, I’m tired. I just don’t have the energy to deal with it. There’s a saying that sometimes the best thing you can do is throw money at a problem.

My brother and I have had a friendly argument about this. He is all about saving money. (Except when he isn’t. He has his passions, just like anyone else. But he is unusually frugal in most aspects of his life.) He will spend hours doing something if it will save him a buck or two. I, on the other hand, would rather spend a few extra bucks to save time. I don’t think one way is better than the other–it’s just a matter of what you value more. For the longest time, my brother insisted that his way was best. I tried to get him to see that saving ten bucks, but ‘spending’ an extra two hours really wasn’t that cost efficient.


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Weapons are my life

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Let’s talk even more about weapons. I love them, and they are my passion. Today, I firmed up the Swimming Dragon Form. Not a weapon form, but still something invigorating (and new, to me). I love it so much, and I’m eager to teach myself the left side. I’ve done the first four or so movements as a way to practice doing it on tnhe other side. I have not had a problem teaching myself the left side of other forms, but the Swimming Dragon Form is giving me a bit of trouble. I’m not too down about it because it’s a new martial art completely, the walking the circle meditation notwithstanding.

My impulse is to jump immediately into the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form. I don’t think that’s a good idea, though. I’m still a bit iffy on the right side. I have to say that it’s been refreshing to do something completely new and different. I wouldn’t say it’s been hard, per se, but it’s not been a breeze, either.

Just a note: I am a fast learner for many things. In part because I don’t do things I’m not instantly good at. I’m not saying this is a good thing, but it’s how I am. It doesn’t help that I’m good at many things. I have not built up resilience in my being when it comes to things I suck at. It doesn’t help that I got shit on by my mother if I was anything less than perfect from the rip. My father would feel the same, too, if he could be bothered to care about me at all. As a person, I mean.

It’s weird. Now that he is in deep dementia, he cares more about me than he ever has. Or rather, he wants the attention from me that he never really cared about when he was here. I still don’t think he cares about me as a prson, but he’s lonely. My mother and brother have told me that no one visits him. My mother is upset that his family doesn’t see him, but, to be brutally honest, I don’t blame them.

First of all, my mother uses guilt as a way to get what she wants. Like saying one of my cousins owes so much to my father because he’s done so much for her. Ok, my mother didn’t say the first part out loud, but she implied it. And she definitely said the latter part to my cousin. In her mind, my father is the most important person on earth, and she can’t see why other people don’t see it the same way.

Here’s the thing. My father is not a pleasant man. He never has been, but in the past, he had a veneer of charm that allowed him to get away with being a deeply self-centered and selfish person. Now, however, that veneer is gone. It’s understandable, honestly, given his condition, but it doesn’t make him easy or pleasant to be around.


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Weapons as a way of life

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I’m back on the weapon forms tip because I’m obsessed with them. It’s my entire life, and I want to talk about it all the time. It being weapon forms, I mean. Today, I went through the entire Swimming Dragon Form (not a weapon form in and of itself), and I am pretty comfortable with it. I think I will start looking at the Bagua Deerhorn Knives Form that Sifu does (included below) this week. In a few days. The gerat thing is that the first minute is the walking the circle that my teacher taught me for meditation. The form that follows is not anything like the Swimming Dragon Form, which excites me.

I also looked at the Double Fan Form. This is an actual form, and I have seen several people doing the same form (with minor tweaks), so I’m guessing that this is the official Yang-style Double Fan Form. I ilke that because then I canlearn it without wondering if it’s a good form or not. I don’t mind learning forms that aren’t official or that were created by Sifu (or one of his students). However, it’s nice to throw an official form into the mix.

I found a video of one instructor who has a split screen as she’s slowly doing the form. It shows both the front and back view in the same video. And she’s going slowly, which I really appreciate. I did the first few movements, but my brain was just not grasping it. So I put it away until tomorrow. I am not trying to push my way through no matter what. I have so much on my plate, weapons-wise, I don’t mind taking my time with any one form.

There is also another video teaching the Double Fan Form step by step. I may look into that one because I have questions as I go. I’m not frustrated, but I do think this is going to be harder than I anticipated. I learned the Double Saber Form before my medical crisis, and I’m not sure that I can learn another double weapon form without really breaking it all down.

I am also messing with…not a Double Sword Form, but using two sords for our Sword Form. Sifu told my teacher that one should focus on the helping hand as much as the main hand, and that you can put a sword in that helping hand as well.

That shit is hard. I’ve tried it, and suddenly, everything I know about the helping hand has gone the window. Once it has a sword in it, it no longer feels like it’s helping. I do the Sword Form on both sides, which I think is part of the problem, too. When I have a sword in my hand, I think of it as the dominant hand. Plus, the helping hand is usually two fingers pointing forward, so it’s strange to have a sword instead.


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Keeping it real with my weapons

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I had my private lesson today and even though it was only forty degrees out (felt like thirty-five or so), we decided to have it outside. It felt warmer than that, probably because we’d been in single digits for so long. Kind of. We were supposed to get get snow today, but the snow front missed us. We did not get one single flake of snow, sadly. That does not mean that we will not get snow later as we’ve gotten in June before. Yes, June. That was once, very brief, and it did not stick–but still. It was snow in June. That’s highly unusual, but it’s not unusual to get snow in April. In fact, Prince who was from here had a song about it.

No snow for now, though. I left it up to my teacher whether she wanted to be outside or in because I was fine being outside in forty degrees. It was so nice out and felt warmer than that. I like practicing outside for another reason–lots of room. Now, I’m not complaining about my space beacuse I have plenty. But practicing weapons needs a lot of space–and just a bit more than  I have.

I know that’s a privilege, by the way. The fact that I have plenty of space. That’s why I’m not complaining about being a bit cramped–just noting that it was nice outside. The sun was shining and there was a crisp bite to the air. That is my favorite combination; it perks me up and gives me the edge I need.

I asked about the Fast Form and the Short Form. She said both were worth learning (because I asked), but her voice wasn’t as enthusiastic as it normally was. Which means that it’s worthy, yes, but not something I need to worry about right now.

We concentrated on the last four or so movements of the Swimming Dragon Form. As much as it’s good to watch the video I took of her, it’s much better to see her demonstrate in person. Not only can I ask her questions, but I can see the postures in question from all angles. That’s one of my favorite things about being in person. I can walk around her as she’s doing the posture, which is so helpful.

In addition, she is now showing me the applications for the postures, which is my absolute favorite. The one I was having difficulty with was the second-to-last posture. It’s something like The Bear Turns Over the Body. I mean, it’s not that, but it’s close. And no matter how many times I watched the video, I did not quite get what she was doing. Oh, the name is about a bear turning over your body, not theirs, by the way. And my teacher showed me the application for this move along with the last movement, which is conclusion.


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Getting (more) serious about weapons

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As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I graduated from the Swimming Dragon Form. That simply means that I taught myself all the movements in the form. Have  I mastered them? No. Am I confident that I will be able to reproduce them faithfully tomorrow? Also no. I mean, up until the last five or six movements, yes. But the ones I’ve learned in this last week? Those might take a bit longer to stick in my brain.

It’s funny. I videotaped my teacher in October of last year doing the whole form. At the time, I had eight movements left to learn. Or maybe ten. I quickly taught myself a few more until I only had a half-dozen left. I stopped because the next movement looked so intimidating. Plus, I got distracted by other stuff. I also was sort of waiting for my teacher to teach me. But we kept getting distracted.A few weeks ago, I decided to finish it and then my teacher could help me figure out the kinks later.

Much to my surprise, it was easier than I thought it would be from watching it six months prior. I am pretty sure it’s because I’ve been practicing every day, and you know what they say about practice. I don’t think it makes perfect, but it definitely makes you better. I mean, it makes sense, right? If you do the thing several times every day, then it becomes muscle memory and a habit.

I’ve been doing bagua for…maybe close to a year now? No, not quite. Probably more like eight months. I’m getting better at keeping my weight back, but it still doesn’t feel quite natural to me. I’m so used to keeping it forward for Taiji that it feels almost sacriligious to keep it back for Bagua.

I think that’s one of the main issues I have with Bagua–or rather, the main difficulties. It’s not Taiji. I have been practicing Taiji for over fifteen years on its own. In that time, I’ve done a bit of other martial arts, but not on a regular or constant basis. My teacher showed me how to walk the cirlce with Deerhorn Knives over a decade ago, and I was hooked. I did it every day (without the knives as well as with, alternating), and it’s one non-Taiji thing I’ve done for the last decade.

I don’t know why I decided about a year ago that Bagua was somtehing I wanted to do seriously. Oh, wait. Yes, I do. It’s because I love the Deerhorn Knives so much, and my teacher insisted that I had to learn the Swimming Dragon Form first. It made sense because that form is the basis for the whole martial art, much like the Solo (Long) Form is the basis for Taiji.


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I graduated; now what?

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I finished the Swimming Dragon Form today. My teacher calls it graduating when a student finishes a form, which I find charming. It just means you’ve been taught all the postures in the form. It doesn’t mean you are a pro at them or that you will remember them perfectly if at all. My teacher does not expect that, nor does she give you any shit if you forget. If anything, she goes the other way and explicitly states that her students are welcome to make all the mistakes without censure.

I’m pretty proud of myself for buckling down and finishing the Swimming Dragon Form. I have a hard time finishing things if I don’t do it right away. I tend to wander to other things, and I don’t have the will to go back to the first thing.

It’s been a few months since we worked on it in private lessons. That’s because I got distracted by other things I wanted to do such as learning the refinements to the Sword Form. And learning some of the refinements to the Solo (Long) Form. My teacher is amenable to going wherever I want, so it was up to me to drag us back to the Swimming Dragon Form.

There were maybe a half-dozen postures left, but they were all on the harder side. Or at least that’s how they appeared when I watched the video I took of my teacher doing the form. And they aren’t easy, per se, but they’re not as difficult as I thought they would be, either. I just needed to break it down and be more granular about it. I had to look at the right hand, then the left hand, then the feet. And the waist. Which is how my teacher breaks it down, though she lumps together the hands.

I was quickly exultant as I finished the form. The second-to-last posture is the most dififcult, and I had to watch it several times before I got it. Do I have it? I’m not sure I do, but I can at least fake it. I have the shape of it even if I don’t have the exact movements.

I told my teacher that I graduated from the form and looked forward to cleaning it up with her. We have a running joke about that beacuse one time she was gone and had a substitute. I think it might have just been me in the class. The substitute, let’s call her Jan, showed me five postures in the Sword Form, not well, and said that my teacher could clean it up for me. I was not pleased because I couldn’t take in that much information and she didn’t do it correctly or well, anyway.


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