Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: weirdo

In My Ideal World, I can just breathe

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Still talking about being a weirdo is a very straitlaced world. Here is the post from yesterday. Sometimes, I get jaded when I hear other people talk about things they consider ‘weird’ because it often falls into what I consider to be mildly diffreent. Or even if it’s more out there, it’s not super out there.

It’s hard to explain, really, but as someone who is on the fringe of everything, I don’t assume that anything about my life is normal. Not my hobbies; not my beliefs; not my traits/identities. One fairly tame example is when I worked at the county as an administrative assistant. I was on the floor with all the executives of the different departments. That meant that there were people from very disparate departments on one floor. There was a researcher who was roughly my age and also a woman (as I identified as at the time). We would casually chat about this and that, and it was fine. I only saw her once a week or so, so it was certainly not a steady thing.

Somehow, we found out that we were both bisexual. She was with a male partner in what she thought might be an abusive relationship. That was an interesting discussion to have, but it’s not the reason I brought her up. Once, we were talking about sex. Yes, wildly inappropriate for the workplace, but not surprising with that particular workplace. Somehow, the question of attraction came up. I said that I would walk down the street, see someone hot, and think about how they would be in bed.

My colleague looked at me as if  Itold her I was streaking on the streets on the regular. Or as if I had said that I was punching people in the face randomly and for no good reason. I asked her what was wrong and she said that women don’t think like that. My brain screeched to a halt because she was telling me, self-identified as a woman at the time, that something I had just said was something that ‘women’ didn’t do/think. She was completely serious and did not see how fucked up what she was saying was.

Side note: This is human nature, by the way. We think/believe things beyond all ratinal belief. If something threatens our sense of self and what we believe, we will go to ridiculous lengths to explain it away. That’s why it’s so hard to get someone out of acult, for example. Or why conspiracy theorists are impossible to reason with. They will simply dismiss anything that doesn’t fit into their preconceived notions/ideas/beliefs. Again, we all do this–it’s just to what extent any given person will do it.

I looked at her and told her I, a woman, was telling her to her face that this was something I did. She said that she had talked about this with all her female friends (ten! Ten women! All the women!) about this very thing, and all of them said they could not imagine doing that. Therefore! No! Women! Would! Ever! Do! That!


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In My Ideal World, all the little things

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In talking about my new series, In My Ideal World, I realized that I wanted to talk about little things, too. Or rather, things that don’t fall neatly into identity categories. Things that are tangentially related, but not necessarily in a category of their own. Such as weddings. They are definitely related to relationships and gender identity (not to mention sexual identity), but they aren’t something I would consider necessary to any of those categories. (Here is yesterday’s post.)

And yet.

This is one of those issues that is so huge in our culture, and yet.

I’m hesitating to write how I feel about it because it’s SUCH a huge aspect of our culture (and most cultures, really). I’ll save the deeper thoughts until I’m going to write about it for real, but I’ll just say that for me personally, it’s not important. Marriage is a positive as long as it serves the couple/throuple/community, but weddings themselves? I hold no truck in them.

I do get the need for ritual and to anonuce to the world your intent. But, I don’t get why it has to be a BIG WEDDING. I know it doesn’t, but many people seem to think it does. Even people whom I consider pretty progressive seem to get stuck on this tradition.

As with many things, I’m libertarian with a small l. I wish and want people to be free to do and be who they are. As long as that doesn’t hurt other people (actually hurt them and not “hurt” them. I’ll explore that difference in future posts), have at life as they wish. Want to be in a monogamous relationship with a person of the traditionally opposite gender? Have at it! Want to have children and watch cheesy Disney movies with them? Have at it! (Well, no, don’t. Don’t support Disney!) Want to go to church on Sunday and tithe religiously? Have at it!

I mean all that, truly. No hate, no snark. Well, maybe the teensiest bit of snark. My biggest issue is that I don’t get the same accord from the normies. Believe me I know all about how being a minority means not being seen–especially when you’re in the categories I am. It makes me cranky, though, when I’m asked to show empathy to someone in the majority because I always have to think about others.

Like with marriage. I have known since I was in my twenties that I didn’t want to get married. That was Not Done, apparently. I dated a guy in my late twenties who said to me, “I know you have said you don’t want to get married, but what would you say if I proposed to you?” He also once got really excited after going to a wedding (or maybe a bachelor’s party? I can’t remember) because the couple got a toaster oven. He waxed rhapsodically about it and said jokingly (but not really) that maybe we should get married so we could get a toatser oven. I looked at him in amazement and said, “We’re adults. If we want a toaster oven, we can buy one.”


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Not fit for polite society

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I’m back to talk about being a weirdo. Here was my last post on it. I was listening to MPR on the way to and home from Cubs (I’ve gotten into Lactaid cottage cheese and lentil chips lately), and the topic was on having kids in the current US climate. The hypothesis was that people in their twenties and thirties were much more hesitant to have kids for reasons outside of themselves than in the past. I was interested in this because as someone who does not have children and never wanted them, I feel like society is still very child-heavy in general.

There were a few comments from people on the reasons why they chose not to have kids (or were waffling on them). The two who were played on the show said they were concerned about bringing children into this world. The first, a man, said that he wondered about bringing a daughter into a society that was increasingly limiting choice and the second, a woman, said she could not bring a child into a world that sanctioned genocide.

The section on the way howe was talking with a woman about the shift in society about having children in general. She was in her early thirties (I think) and was seven months pregnant. She said that it felt like society had shifted much more to ‘don’t have children unless you’re absolutely sure you want them/can raise them right’. She said in the past, if you were on the fence, it was more, ‘have them and deal with whatever comes up. It’ll be fine.’

My immediate thought was that the former was the correct way to think and why the hell would you want the latter to be the norm? I have always believed that it’s better to really think about why you want to have children than just to have them because you think you should.

The woman went on to say that in her circle, no one was having children so it was isolating. I’m not discounting any of that because I don’t have any reason to think that’s not true in her circle. However, her broader assertions about society in general made me skeptical. To my eye, it looked like the pressure to have children, especially on young women, was the same as before. Then again, she wasn’t exactly contradicting that–just that people were also expecting that you be in the ideal position to have children.

That I can believe. People are irrational at their core. I could see the mentality being, “Yes, you have to have children, but not until you ________________” (fill in the blank with ‘have been is a loving relationship for five years; enough money to use a day care center/nanny/au pair; have your career in a stable place, etc.”


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Being weird should be the norm

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Here’s the thing about being weird. Yes, I’m doing a cold open. Here was the last post about me being weird if you want to catch up. I think this is four? Something like that.

I don’t want to be normal, whatever that means.

Side note: (Yes, this early!) I was complaining to K several decades ago about how I was such a weirdo and didn’t want the normal life. I was complaining in the context of how I wished I could be normal and not such a freak. She said, and I’m paraphrasing, “But Minna, you don’t want to be married and have kids. You don’t want to do any of those things. You would be miserable.”

She is right. I don’t want any of that. None of it sounds appealing to me, and I realized that what I wanted was a sense of belonging–not the actual markers of being ‘normal’. I want to be able to be me, more or less, and not have to explain my thought process all the goddamn time.

Side note II: I love the word heuristics. I love the idea of a heuristic. We can’t function without heuristics because it’s impossible to analyze everything every moment of the day. For example, when you reach a stoplight, it would be difficult if you didn’t know that red means stop, yellow means caution, and green means go. If you had to figure that out every time you reached a stoplight, you would not be able to drive.

That’s a silly example, but it’s an easy one for people to understand. Heuristics extend to societal norms. We greet each other warmly when we meet, and we are civil unless we’re given a reason not to be. Societal norms dictate our interactions. Again, I’m not saying we should get rid of them all. What I am saying is that they shouldn’t be so rigid that people who aren’t a part of them can’t fit in at all.

Unfortunately, it’s very common for a group to close ranks. I am a lifelong Democrat, but that doesn’t mean that I approve of everything they say and do. This is my issue with groups in general–it’s too easy for the rules to become calcified. And for them to quickly close ranks. This is my issue with the weird epithet being hurled at Trump and Vance by Harris and Walz. It’s drawing a line I’m not comfortable with. I get that it’s signalling who’s in and who’s out–but it doesn’t do anything to make me feel like I’m in.

The probem with talking about ‘normal average Americans’ is that I’m not one and have never been. I’m on the fringe of the fringe, and it’s not even close. I’m weird, and I feel alienated by people in my party who are denigrating the weirdos.


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I can’t NOT be weird

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I’m weird. This is my third post about it. I have plenty to say, so I’m going to keep going until I am done. I ended the last post by asking whether I would be normal if I could. My short answer was, “I don’t know.”

For the most part, I like who I am. Well, let me phrase that a bit differently. I like the components of myself that are usually problematic to other people or ‘not normal’. Asian, bisexual, agender, nonmonogamous, aromantic, etc. I love my hobbies of writing, From games (well, that’s love-hate, but more love than hate. Just), and Taiji/Bagua.

My immediate thought was that I would change things about myself if I could in order to be normal. After a second thought, though, I changed my mind. When I thought about each individual aspect of my being, I couldn’t think of any that I would change. I’m not talking about my flaws, by the way. I have plennty of those that I would give up in a heartbeat. The different aspects of my personality, though? Let’s go through them one by one.

Taiwanese American? I like being Taiwanese American. It’s a unique perspective that not many people share–especially since my parents are pro-independent Taiwan. It does get irritating when Chinese people want to say we’re the same–we are not. And, no one knows anything about Taiwan, but I ain’t mad about that. It’s such a tiny island, and I don’t know much myself. I will say I appreciate that my Taiwanese genes are keeping me looking young. I look at least ten years younger than my age–if not more. no one thinks I’m in my fifties, which is funny because everyone thought I was older when I was a kid.

Bisexual? I’m not keen on the term, but I love being one. I also don’t like pansexual or omnisexual. They both are just a bit too precious to me. I would prefer just to say sexual, but that’s precious in and of itself. Plus, it gives out the wrong message. I prefer queer, but most people think that just means gay. So until I can find something that feels better, I’ll stick with bisexual. Some bis have taken it to mean, “I’m attracted to people like me and people not like me”, which will do for now. I like having the choices, though. I like that I can be attracted to anyone. What can I say? I like having my choices.

Agender? This one is iffy. I would be fine with being a woman if it didn’t feel so restrictive. Gender roles are still so rigid in this society. You would think in 2024, we would have moved forward in this aspect–and we have! But just, sadly, not that far. Or rather, not far enough for me. If I were twenty years old, I probably would have chosen nonbinary, but it doesn’t feel right to me.


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I’m weird–and damn proud of it, part two

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In yesterday’s post, I was talking about how the Democrats are harping on the Republicans being weird. At first, I thought it was a good move (and I still do), but then it started annoying me. As I mentioned, I have been a weirdo all my life. I have never fit into any group, really, and I got comfortable being on the fringes of society. I embraced ‘weird’ as a descriptor and wore it like a badge of pride.

There was a time when I was defiant about it. Being weird was my cloak and my shield against the brutality of the world. Once I embraced it, I didn’t feel as defensive about it. I was rather proud of being different and staying true to myself.

Side note: On the inside. On the outside, I was constantly adapting and molding myself to societal norms. I am really good at social interactions beacuse I’ve spent so much time making myself that way. It was not an option,o and I have learned it to a fault. I am not displeased about it, to be honest, because it has made my interactions with the gen pub easier in general. I can talk about weather until the cows come home without even breaking a sweat.

In addition, I can read other people’s facial cues and body language to a ridiculous degree. Sometimes, too much so. I jump the gun and freak people out when I react to how they are going to act, even before they do or say anything.

This has been somethnig I’ve been doing all my life–constantly adapting to how others react to me. That’s not unusual in and of itself. Everybody does it to some extent. In my case, though, I felt like I started on square -100. I liked to joke that I was raised by wolves, but it was not far from the truth. My parents had no interest in American culture. Well, more to the point, my father didn’t so my mother was forced not to because of course she had to do whatever my father wanted.

Back to being weird. If I were to shuck off all my masks and just be myself, I would be labeled a huge weirdo. Again, I’m fine with that–on a theoretical level. Meaning, I’m fine with being a weirdo, but I’m not so sure I’m fine with being viewed as a weirdo. Or rather, I don’t want to stick out all the time. I was talking with A about color. She likes to wear bright pastels; I like to wear black. All black, all the time. Right before the pandemic hit, I decided I wanted to branch out a bit. I bought a deep red tunic top with flowers on it, and I planned on buying more colorful clothes. Then the pandemic hit, and I lost all interest in buying clothes. Plus, black goes with everything. There is no matching needed, really.

I would like to try again, I think. There are other colors I like. Deep red; burnt orange; earth brown; racing car green. Deep earth tones, in other words. When I was talking to A about it, I said that I was hiding in the background and wearing color would make me noticed. She said, “Is it always bad to be noticed?” I thought about it, and she was right. It’s not, but I have spent so much of my life trying to hide and not be noticed. I was so used to being not seen even when I was seen tha I didn’t want to be seen–if that makes sense.


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I’m weird–and damn proud of it

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We have to talk about this weird thing. Or rather, I have to talk about it because it’s still bugging me. I get why the Dems have used it as a pejorative for Trump and Vance, but they are more creepy (and infuriating) than weird. At least the weird that was tossed at me consistently throughout my life.

Being Taiwanese in a white-ass suburb of Minnesota in the 80s? Weird.

Being a woman at all in the early 90s? Weird.

Being a woman who did not like ‘womanly’ things in the 90s? VERY weird.

Being bisexual in the early 90s? Weird.

Getting a tattoo in the early 90s? Weird.

Those were all when I was in my early twenties. Add to that not wanting to have children (BIG WEIRD) and not wanting to get married (also weird), then also not wanting to be in a monogamous long-term relationship.

Even the one area in which I’m in a ‘positive’ minority (money), I would be considered weird if anyone knew. I just don’t talk about it, and no one knows that my family has money.

When Harris and Walz started calling Trump and Vance weird, I was into it because it made the latter so unhappy and angry. It really bugged them because they, like most Republicans, like to trumpet loudly about how normal (and manly manly) they are, unlike the effete limosuine liberals from San Francisco who sip their lattes with their pinkies up and drink their milkshakes through a straw.

Granted, it’s hard to do that to Walz because he’s about as Midwestern dad as they come. I saw a clip about how his brother, whom he hasn’t spoken to in decades, ominously said, “Oh the stories I could tell about this guy. He’s not what he seems.” The deep dark secret turned out to be that no one wanted to sit next to him when they were kids in the car on a long ride because he got carsick and would throw up. When he was prodded on it, he said that was it. He added, “I don’t know why pyeople think there’s anything deeper.” Because you were pushing it hard that there were some deep dark secrets, dude!


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Neurodiversity and me

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I want to talk more about neurodiversity. Yes, again. Deal with it. Did you know that part of ADHD is hyperfocus? It’s OK if you didn’t because many people don’t. Rightly so because it’s always talkead about as if it’s just a lack of focus or the inability to focus, but it doesn’t have to be either of those.

I have lived all my life knowing there is something wrong with me. It has been said to me over and over again in so many different ways. I was talking with my Taiji teacher today about this. One of the reasons I liked her from the beginning is because she was very honest about her own weird childhood. She grew up in bumfuck, South Dakota to parents who were not the most supportive. We could relate with each other on this level.

She was bullied as a child as was I. She told me that it reached the point where she realized that she could do nothing wrong–so she might as well do what she wanted. She added that she never thought she was a bad person so that helped her push back.

In may case, I thought I was a stain on the world and that it would be better off without me. This is something my parents imparted on me, mostly implicitly, but in a few explicit ways. No, not that they actually said that I was worthless, but the way my mother nitpicked and criticized (still does) everything I said, thought, felt, had the same implied message. I was wrong as I was, and I better not let the real me show.

Here are just some of the things that she has made very clear she does not care for one bit in me:

1. My sexuality. I’m bisexual. I realized that when I was in my early twenties. When I told my mother, she did not take it well at all. For many reasons.

There were several times before then, though.

2. Me being a tomboy. This was something that early on, had I recognized it, should have clued me in on how the rest of my life was going to go.

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Hating on pop culture, part six

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Talking more about pop culture. In the last post, I wrote about TV shows I liked until I didn’t. And it was usually abrupt (and the last episode). Huh. Today I will talk about popular TV shows that I didn’t like from the start. To be fair, I only gave most of them one episode, but that’s all it should take. I can understand a ‘it takes 3 episodes to get good’. It was the same with BoJack for me, but there was something there from the start that kept me coming back.

Side note: This is often said in games, too. “It gets good around the 20 hour mark.” Which, fair. But also fair that some people don’t want to invest that much into a game. I love FromSoft games, but I understand why other people don’t. I’ve had friends be apologetic about not gelling with From games, but I compeletely understand why they feel that way. I will get to games in a future post.

Back to TV shows. It started with Seinfeld. That was popular when I was in my first job post-college. I worked for an extremely dysfunctional nonprofit and they were obsessed with Seinfeld. They insisted that it was the best show of all time, and they decided to watch the masturbation episode as a group. This was in 1993/4. I had heard of it, of course, but I had never watched it. I watched the episode with them, stone-faced, and did not laugh once. I was horrified that they thought it was ‘the best show ever’ when I thought it was utter trash.

Usually, I can understand why people like something even if I don’t, but in this case, I just could not get it. All the characters were deeply unpleasant and self-absorbed. I should note that I don’t like narcissism at all, having grown up with one. But, also, the whole premise of the episode was so tired and worn-out in its sexist assumption (that women don’t masturbate). I thought it was awful, to be frank.

I’ve seen snippets of it since, and it’s only strengthened my opinion that it’s an awful show. I could not make it through another full episode beacuse of how much I hate it.

There are a bunch of shows I’ve seen one episode of and have hated. It’s beacuse Ian had HBO and I would catch an episode whenever I saw him. That would be Red Wedding from Game of Thrones, the penultimate episode of Breaking Bad, and what I think was the first episode of the newest Adam Sorkin screed (The Newsroom, Google tells me).

I will tell you why it was not a good idea to see those episodes as the first episode to watch of the series. Red Wedding–I think it’s pretty obvious. It’s incredibly gory. Plus, the worry that the Dire Wolf would be killed was huge. And showing tits when it wasn’t necessary.

Side note: I hate the argument that female nudity/sexual assualt/etc. is necsesary beacuse it’s set in a time when that happened. It’s fantasy. If you can create a world in which fucknig dragons exist, you can make it so in that same world, there is no sexual assualt. The latter isn’t realistic? Well, neither is the former. It’s lazy thinking, selective realism, and, quite frankly, misogynistic. In addition, nothing about any of that appealed to me. And I hate excessive violence as well. Plus, I read the first chapter of the first book, and I found it turgid and too purple. In short, I disliked everything about it.

Breaking Bad, it was the sceond-to-last episode. Walter White was an unrpentant asshole, and I was asking why I should care at all what happened to him. I get that it was the journey that made him that way, but that didn’t make it any better as to who he actually was in the moment.

It’s hard. I appreciate realism, but I don’t necessarily want to watch violent media.

As for The Newsroom, ugh. Just ugh. I don’t like Adam Sorkin’s work in general (I thought The West Wing was just liberal indulgence, and I say this as an avowed liberal), and The Newsroom really rubbed me the wrong way. It’s just liberal screeds disguised as entertainment, and in the episode I saw, there was extremely uncomfortably sexist/rape apologist (in a dating situation). I had a very negative physical reaction to it and refused to watch the end of the episode.

Other shows I have seen clips/episodes of and did not like: Lost; The Sopranos; M*A*S*H; The Simpsons (and others of this ilk); The Office (both versions); and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. There are a few shows I’ve watched for seasons and did not think were actually good shows. It just happened to be what was allowed to be watched in my household. Those include: The Love Boat; Fantasy Island; Cheers; and, Friends.

Any new show that people like, I automatically disregard. I know that the chances of me liking something is slim to none. In addition, if the first five characters are white, I’m out. I have no interest in white people doing white people things. I just don’t. It’s like when I used to joke with other PoC on Twitter about camping. It’s white people shit!

Part of the reason I”m so picky is that I don’t enjoy TV as a medium. So if I’m going to actually watch a traditional TV show, it better be something I really like. Otherwise, why waste my time? That’s how I feel about pop culture in general. It has to be really good for me to consume it. Otherwise, why bother?

I’m fine with not liking movies and TV. I don’t talk about it with other people unless it’s brought up, but people tend to take a negative view of it, regardless. It’s that old, “You must be judging me for doing it” that I usually get from these kinds of exchanges. I can’t be any clearer. I don’t give a shit what other people do. I truly don’t. So I don’t understand why they give a shit about what I do or don’t do with my spare time.

Again, I know why. I just can’t do anything other than not talk about it. I know what they want (for me to watch/do the thing and to enjoy it, then to loudly proclaim that it’s a good thing), but I am not going to do that. I don’t have it in me.

Popping pop culture, part four

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In the last post, I talked about two very popular authors I didn’t like. One I didn’t care that I didn’t like him, and the other, I really wished I did. In this post, I’m going to talk about…well, I’m not exactly sure, buet it’s going to be related. Let’s go!

Let’s talk TV shows. I don’t like them. The end.

Just kidding. Not about me not liking TV shows. I don’t for the most part. But about me not talking about why that is.

When I was a kid, my brother and I were not allowed to watch much TV. We watched Scooby Doo on the weekends like many kids of our generation did. The TV shows we watched on the regular were The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, and when I was older, Cheers. I also remember watching Facts of Life and Different Strokes.

I didn’t love any of them, mind you. They were just what was on the TV at the time. I didn’t know much about American culture and my father was (is) a fierce Taiwanese nationalist. He did not like Ameircan food, TV, movies, or anything else. I’ve been to two or three American movies with him, and he fell asleep every time. That’s not unusual as he could fall asleep no matter what the circumstances. He also had sleep apnea, so that probably didn’t help the quality of his sleep.

I liked Xena: Warrior Princess, but mostly beacuse I had a huge crush on Lucy Lawless. She was so beautiful and such a badass as Xena. I loved the campiness of the show and the fact that it wsa loosely based on Greek mythology. I was proud of the fact that the star of Hercules (the show it spun off from) was from Minnesota–until he went off the rails and now I pretend he doesn’t exist.

I did not watch from the start. I think I started around the third or fourth season–oh, wow. There were only six seasons. I thought there were more than that. If that’s the case, then I might have started watching earlier.

At any rate, I watched season three beacuse that’s when Jacqueline Kim was on as Lao Ma, the wise mentor who taught Xena how to be patient, reserved, and not a total asshole. I instantly adored her (in part beacuse she’s Korean American) andI loved her in Charlotte Sometimes. It has its issues as a movie, but she was fantastic in it.

Boy. I just watched one of the scenes with Lao Ma in it. She’s still got it! Jacqueline Kim, I mean. Also, Lucy Lawless. I’m including the scene below. Please remember this was a decade-and-a-half ago so the quality is potatoes.


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