Underneath my yellow skin

I’m in the middle of my training montage

I’ve been frustrated the last few days because I’m not making progress. Intellectually, I know that I can’t be making progress all the time (because there is a a ceiling to my abilities; I’m not superhuman), but I hate feeling as if I’m in a holding pattern. On my morning constitutional, I go a little farther each day. Yesterday, however, I was feeling a bit peaky and went as far as I had the day before. Maybe a tiny bit farther, but not much. And I have maxed out many of the warmups–I don’t want to do more just for the sake of doing more. Part of Taiji is not doing more than is strictly necessary, which is my guiding principle. Hey, I know my strengths and being lazy is one of  them. I am a champion lazy person!

Still. Deep within my lazy soul, there is a burning kernel of perfectionist that flares up every now and again. When that happens, it’s as if I flipped a switch from lazy to Energizer bunny who goes, goes, goes until his batteries run out.

I know it’s part of being a perfectionist, really. If something isn’t what I deem perfect, then it’s pure shit and I want nothing to do with it. Taiji has helped tempered that impulse, but it hasn’t completely eradicated my perfectionism. See, Taiji is not a miracle cure even though it can seem as if it is now and again. I’ve had a hell of a time trying to explain it to my parents, especially my father, who seems to think that he should be able to do a Taiji exercise or two a few times and be cured of all his aches and pains. I try to explain to him it doesn’t work that way, but to no avail. Taiji is great and I credit it with many things, including being the main reason I came back from my ordeal with such minimal damage. But that’s because I have practiced it for fourteen years (or so). When I explained a back warmup to my father (the one that stopped my excruciating back pain after a year of doing it every day), he said that he didn’t have a year to do it. I said he could do it when he went back to Taiwan as well. It took two or three months to see a noticeable difference and a year for the pain to completely disappear.

Side note: Now that I’m sleeping in my bed again (I used to sleep on the couch), I’m getting back pain again. I do the exercise twice a day and it goes away, but it comes back after sleeping on my side in my bed. I didn’t have this issue when I slept on the couch, but that is neither here nor there.



They make it look so easy in the movies. Someone gets their ass kicked at the beginning of the movie, does a training montage in which they run up the stairs to the Philly museum a few times, shadowbox, and drink raw eggs. Then, they take on their rival again and–uh, win? Why do I have the vague recollection that Rocky still lost at the end of the first movie? It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it and to be honest, I can’t be stuffed to look it up.

Ian was the one who brought up the fact that I was in my training montage right now after I talked about how I was slowly adding more and more to my weapons forms routine. Today, I did the Sword Form (right side) with my steel sword (my regular sword) and the Saber Form (right side) with an escrima stick, which is lighter than my wooden saber. Of course, I had to dig up the theme song to Rocky and send it to Ian after he mentioned that, and we both had a good laugh.

All jokes aside, it’s true, though. I’m putting in my time now to get stronger so I can do what I used to do. I’ve been frustrated because my mind is willing, but my body is not quite there. Any time I get frustrated, I just remind myself that I had gone through something pretty traumatic as much as I appeared to be back to ‘normal’. Pneumonia (I keep forgetting that part), two cardiac arrests, and a stroke ain’t nothing to sneeze at! My nurse’s aide (comes weekly to wash my hair) mentioned again that she couldn’t believe what I had gone through as did my nurse earlier in the week. Hell, I can’t believe it myself when I think about it because it’s so surreal. I mentioned to Ian that my mom thinks my story should be a movie, but I think it’s too unbelievable for a movie. Ian said that he couldn’t believe it even outside a movie. He’s not wrong. I still have trouble believing what happened to me.

I’ve said it several times, but I think I could deal with it more easily if I had to work harder at my recovery. Don’t get me wrong. I’m deeply appreciative that I did not suffer more than I did, but it’s hard to reconcile the knowledge that I went through a traumatic event with me sitting on my couch, looking out the window, typing away on my computer. It’s the same as before and yet, it’s not.

I’m eager to get back my weapons forms, and while I can remember them, I don’t have the stamina to actually do them all. I know it’ll come in time. I know I just need to chill the fuck out and let my body do its thing. However, that’s not in my nature and while I’m getting better at it, I still have a hard time being patient for something I really want. The thing is that my body will let me know if I’m doing too much. It will shut down in a heartbeat–er, maybe that’s not the best saying to draw on right now.

It’s funny. I’m currently watching a Krupa stream–the first since I got back from the hospital. The first RKG stream since then, I mean. And it’s just as comforting now as it was before. He’s an interesting blend of political, sensitive, crass, and funny–but all in a very low-key way. It makes for one hell of an entertaining stream. It also reminds me to chill the fuck out and not get too worked up about, well, anything.

I just need to put my head down and keep at it, bit by bit, every day. Don’t think about what I used to be able to do because that’s just depressing. Think about what I am doing each day and how much I’ve gained since the day before. Or not. Just focusing on what I’m doing at the time is probably the best thing–and it’s very Taiji. I have to remind myself that if I push myself too hard, I’ll set myself back even further–that should be enough incentive to keep me going slowly and steadily.

Leave a reply