Underneath my yellow skin

Feeding my addiction

Weapons. Let’s talk about them. Why? Because I’m obsessed with them. I mean, I’ve always loved my weapons, but in the last few months, they’ve really become deeply meaningful to me. As much as I love taiji in general, I would not have said the same for the Solo Form. I’ve really struggled with the Solo Form. I hated it from the beginning and, honestly, I didn’t know why I stuck with it especially since I had a disastrous experience the first time I tried taiji due to a terrible, manipulative, shady teacher.

With my second teacher, I fought her every step of the way. I was recalcitrant and grumpy, pushing back hard on whatever she said. I hated the Solo Form. I hated it so much that I didn’t practice it at home. In fact, I added a second class a week because I wouldn’t practice at home. Why didn’t I quit especially as it was not mandatory in any way? I’m still not entirely sure. Something inside me kept pushing me to go. I needed something to do as exercise as I hated nearly every other form of it.

In addition, I wanted to have a way to defend myself if I ever needed it. I have been in harrowing situations in the past and never want to be in one again. Or rather, I never want to feel as helpless as I have in the past. Indeed, I have already seen the fruits of my labor in other ways. Such as my minor car accident in which I saw the other car coming towards me. I thought, “I’m going to get hit,” and my body immediately relaxed. I didn’t will it to relax and I didn’t consciously think that I had to relax–it just happened.

But did I ever learn to love the Solo Form? No. I still don’t. I don’t hate it any longer, but I don’t love it. And yet, there was something in me that kept pushing to do it. I resentfully started practicing at home for five minutes a day. Just the warmups and maybe a bit of the Solo Form. Oh, I also did the weight-bearing set that is in taiji as well.

Against myself, I started incorporating more and more of taiji into my daily life. I added a third class and my home routine stretched out into ten minutes, fifteen, and now, up to forty-five minutes with the expansion being on the weapons side. I’ve had to cajole and trick myself into doing more taiji because that’s the way my brain works, but whatever it takes.



I had to give up the weight-bearing set when I got into my car accident and doing weapons means I don’t have to pick it up again. I might because it’s a good set, but the weapons are doing the same trick. My biceps are starting to pop, which I love. I tend to bulk up easily, which I consider a positive. Weirdly, my last ex used to get mad that I had bigger biceps than he did. Sigh. Then again, he had a lot of toxic ideas about masculinity.

Doing weapons has also added to my backside in an appealing way. I used to joke that I didn’t have an ass. I’d even say my ‘flat yellow ass’ instead of my ass whenever I wanted to make a point of some kind. A few years ago, I caught sight of my ass in the mirror (I tend to not look at myself on a regular basis) and to my amazement, there was definition there! I actually had an ass. Well, not a whole one, but it was definitely more there than it had been in the past. When I mentioned it to Ian, he said diffidently that he had noticed it, so it’s not just me. My teacher thinks it’s hilarious as well. I will say it’s also probably because of the Golden Roosters (like a marching band step) I do every day. whatever the reason, I’ll take it.

Anyway! I cannot wait for my twin broadswords. I had someone on Twitter ask if it was a twin set or if it was so two people could spar. I was so excited to actually be able to talk about it. Which reminds me, my niece asked if there was any group or forum I belonged to in which I could discuss my love of weapons. I hadn’t even thought about it because it’s such a personal and almost spiritual thing for me. I assume most would care about what it’s made of or the more practical aspects and I’m not interested in that at all. I mean, I think it’s funny that my weapons are made from all different types of material, but it’s not my main focus.

I just Googled some forums and it was as I feared. It’s more about the minutiae and what I think is the boring stuff rather than the feelings and emotions of the weapons. It’s not a bad thing, per se, but it’s just not for me. It might be that I wasn’t looking at the right forums. It may be that these forums don’t exist. It doesn’t help that I’m not limited to taiji weapons, either.

This is a problem I find with many of my interests; I just don’t care about the nitty-gritty. Let’s take–you know I’m going to say it–Dark Souls. I have played the third game dozens of times and can play it with my eyes closed. I will happily talk about the lore or the areas or the bosses ad nauseam until you beg me to stop. Ask me about which weapon is better than which other one based on stats? Literally could not care less about it. I use whichever weapon I like best and leave it at that. At this point, as a Pyromancer, I start with a Hand Axe which I use until I get the Irithyll Straight Sword (12 Strength, 14 Dex) and pump up my stats enough to use it. this is fairly early in the game. I use that until I get the Executioner’s Greatsword and the stats to wield it (19, 13) at about a fourth of the way through the game. I like it because it gives me FPP for each kill (mana, essentially) and I upgrade it to +9 because I don’t want to waste a Slab for it.

Roughly three-fourths of the way through the game, I get the best weapon in the game–don’t @ me. It’s Lorian’s Greatsword (26, 10) which you need to kill, you guess it, Lorian (elder prince) in order to make it. After that, I may play with some other weapons such as the Onyx Blade from the first DLC (14, 12, 15, 15 (Strength, Dex, Intelligence, Faith)) because it’s fun. This is all paired with my fire, of course.

So, with my weapons, I will happily discuss the movements (postures) and the forms in general. I will wax poetic about how I love the feel of my spear in my hands (and I do love it so very much), but I do not want to talk about what it’s made of–though I will, actually! Wax wood. Makes it smooth and unlikely to splinter. I want to hold it all the time, which is pretty unpractical. I don’t talk about it that much because I don’t want to be bothersome, but I think about it a lot. I can like with that compromise at least until I feel comfortable enough to talk about it more in my daily life.

 

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