Underneath my yellow skin

Letting my (martial arts) light shine

I’ve been talking freely about my interest in weapon forms. In the last post, I maundered on and on about well, a lot of things, but it was meant to be in tribute to how I have finally gotten to the point in my weapon forms study where I’m serious about refining them and redefining what they mean to me.

Yesterday, in my private lesson, my I filmed my teacher doing the first section of the Solo (Long) Form because that’s another thing I want to polish up–my Solo Form, I mean. I am not interested in it as much as I love the weapons, but it’s the basis for everything else we do. In the last three years or so (essentially since my medical crisis), I have come to really appreciate the Solo Form in a way I hadn’t before. I probably won’t ever love it the way I do the weapon forms, but it’s still better than it was before.

I used to hate it when I was in my first years of study. I was frank with my teacher that I was studynig it under protest. One thing I really appreciated about my teacher was that she was chill about me being a brat. I had a really bad experience with my first Taiji teacher (he was a creep, a liar, and a jerk in so many ways), and I was wary of my new teacher.

As I was searching for my second teacher, I had a list of qualities that were nonnegotiable. One, not a cishet man. Several of my issues with my first teacher was because of him specifically being a him (including being a lech), and I was not about to put up with blatant sexism in something that was supposed to be an enjoyable hobby.

Another nonnegotiable was that I did not want to have to pay for belts, uniforms, etc. I brought this up to my teacher when I started because I was surprised. This didn’t seem like something that should be done in Taiji because there are not usually belts in this discipline. She rolled her eyes and said that some Taiji schools did this because they think that they will be taken more seriously if they mimic the way of the karate schools. She added that some people were just fleecing their students.

To be honest, I felt it was more of the latter than the former. The websites I looked at said that students were obligated to buy gis from them, belts, and shoes, and such. That seemed like a racket to me, so I dismissed all those schools immediately.

My teacher had just started her own school when I found her. I was her first official student. I questioned everything she told me, and I was very frank about what I did not like. I was very prickly, and I have apologized to her since. I have also thanked her for being patient with me and for being honest. If she didn’t know something, she would tell me so. And then she would go find out for me. I knew that I could trust what she was saying, which was all I wanted.


Side note: I have included above the video of my teacher’s teacher doing the kick section of the Solo Long Form, right side. This is my favorite section of the form, which makes me a weirdo, per usual. Most everyone else does not like it or least has trouble with it. I loved it from the start, and I’m not sure why. I’ve never had trouble with the kicks or my balance. I think it’s in part because I took dance lessons for ten years when I was a kid. I think it’s also because I’m oppositional in nature and things that are hard are more interesting to me.

To be kinder to myself, I think it’s because of my varying neurospiciness. I need to focus my brain, and one way to do it is to involve myself in tricky things. Things that are easy for me makes my brain wander. If I have to think about something, then I’m engaged. It’s the same with the kick section. It’s one of the harder sections of the form, and you can’t just breeze on through it. At least not until you’ve done it several hundred times.

Also in my lesson yesterday, my teacher showed me a few changes at the beginning of the Sword Form. It reignited my love for the sword, which was my first true love in Taiji. I owe everything to the sword because without it, I am not sure I would have stayed with Taiji for this long. Once my teacher put a wooden sword into my hand and told me to just close my hand around it, I was hooked. It changed my life, and I am eternally grateful that she did it.

Taiji has changed my life in tangible ways, and I have recounted them many times in the past. It is one of the best decisions I have made (the other being not to have children), and it’s one thing I can pat myself on the back for. Making the decision, I mean.

It’s interesting, too, because when I started Taiji, I was ashamed and internally snappish whenever my teacher corrected me. I felt as if I shouldn’t be making mistakes because that was what I was taught by my mother. Now, I’m…not pleased when I make a mistake, but eager to make the refinement. I welcome ways to make my various forms better, and I can actually say  I’m an advanced student–and mean it.

I have felt like an imposter for a long time–ro rather, that I wasn’t as good as I should be for how long I had studied Taiji. I haven’t been back to class in person since my medical crisis, but if I do make it back, I will feel comfortable being a tutor for more than one of the forms. The first and second section of the Solo Long Form–fine. The Sword Form, right side, fine. The Saber Form, fine. Anything past that I’m a bit iffy on, but I would not mind showing individual movements if my teacher wanted me to do so.

I’m done for today. I will write more tomorrow.

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