It’s May. I’m having a hard time grasping that little fact. I’m also having a hard time remembering when my personal lockdown started. I want to say it was…March…early? Late? Not sure any longer. I know it was before my birthday which was nearly a month ago. Time has lost all meaning, and I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. It’s also interesting how many people are having vivid dreams, which was something I assumed was only happening to me. There are reports of people dreaming about people who ignored social distancing, making the dreamer panic. Mine have had nothing to do with COVID-19, but they are very intense. It’s weird because I used to have extreme anxiety dreams and before that, outright nightmares. Now, however, my dreams are intense but not anxious dreams–well, not in the classic sense. They are the least-troubling aspect of my sleep at the moment, which is saying a lot.
I’ve given up on trying to regulate my sleep. I go to sleep whenever I go to sleep, and I get up whenever I get up. If I snooze at any given point, then I snooze. I’m of the mindset that whatever gets me through at this point is fine. Within reason, of course.
Side Note: I read all these people joking about drinking 24/7, and I don’t find it funny at all. I already thought people in America drink too much (let’s not talk about Britain), and I don’t like that the pandemic is being used as an excuse to get plastered. I do sympathize with self-medicating, but….Yeah, I’ll just leave it at that.
I mentioned last time that the one bright side to this mess is that my allergies and sinus issues have been drastically reduced, which strengthens my theory that nature is trying to kill me. I mean, it makes perfect sense that if I’m allergic to everything in nature, keeping it at bay will be better for me. Now that I’m able to test this hypothesis, I’ve found that it’s true. What does it mean for life after this pandemic clears (if it does)? I don’t know. It’s not realistic for me to not ever go anywhere ever. I mean, I could do it, but I don’t think it’s feasible for the long run.
I’m also thinking about what to do about life in general once the restrictions ease. People in my neighborhood are pretty lax about best practices, and it’s tripping me up whenever I see it. I can’t remember the last time I saw someone wearing a mask in my neighborhood, including when I went to the pharmacy. It’s bizarre, and it makes me angry. I’m working on letting it go and reminding myself that I’m hermetically sealed for the most part.
Addendum to the last paragraph: I make my packages go to the garage to live for several days to make me feel better about the packaging. Is it needed? Not sure, but it doesn’t hurt. Right now, I have Clorox Wipes out there, batteries, TP, and a graphic novel called Chew. The first collection, anyway. I don’t have to read it right now, so it can live there for as long as it’ll make me feel better. I’m actually toying with writing a short story about the items I’ve made go live in the garage just because it’s fascinating to me.
I’m happy about not having to drive for taiji because I hate driving, but I’m not happy about it being on Zoom, obviously. It’s difficult to follow, and since I mute, it’s weird to ask questions. I’m also not happy about having a little me on screen, but I don’t want to cut my own video because I want to see if I’m fucking something up. My teacher cut them to an hour (normal class is an hour and a half), which I think is the perfect time for a Zoom class.
I’ve been practicing in the morning as I always do, but it’s a struggle. My productivity in general has taken a nose dive. I still manage to get everything done every day, but it’s me working for five minutes, then staring at the wall for a minute or ten, then five more minutes of working, then a smoke break, then heating up my tea, then working for ten more minutes. Something I used to be able to get done in an hour, for example, now takes me three or four.
I’m trying to cut myself a break, but it’s difficult. It’s also hard because I really don’t have anything to complain about. I’m not forced to go into a workplace where i might be exposed to the coronavirus. I don’t have to go out at all for any reason except maybe to mail something and to get my meds once a month. I’ve driven my car…four times in the last month? For less than a mile at a time. I don’t have any dependents except my cat, and he’s pretty low-key except in the morning when he wants his breakfast. I don’t have to worry about anyone else other than me (immediately, I mean. There are people I worry about, of course, and worry about the world in general). And, my anxiety is limited to very specific worries other than just flowing all over the place as it usually is.
And yet. And yet. And yet. My sense of…hopelessness? That’s not it exactly. Worthlessness? No, not that, either. Purposelessness. I think that’s closer to what I mean. I look at life after COVID-19, and I think, what? What is it going to be? How is it going to be? Why is it going to be? I’ve found that I’m perfectly content to be at home 24/7 but with an asterisk. I mean, I’m 90% home all the time, anyway, so it wasn’t that hard to make the leap to 100%. But, the fact that I’m forced to do it now is what’s really chafing. The fact that I fear it now really hurts. The thought of going to the supermarket makes me hyperventilate. In fact, the reason I went into self-isolation before it was state-mandated was because I went to my local co-op, and while many of the workers were diligent about masks and gloves, there were a few who most emphatically weren’t. I remember one in particular was stocking the shelves. She wasn’t wearing any protective gear, which, you know, that could be that the store wasn’t providing them. I doubted it, but I’m willing to give that part the benefit of the doubt. In addition, that was back when the CDC was actively discouraging people from wearing them, so, yeah. The part that tipped me over the edge, however, was that she walked way too close to people. She even brushed against a customer as she walked by that customer. The store was small, yes, but she deliberately went into the aisle while the person was there. She passed by me within less than three feet, and it freaked me out.
I went home and I never left again. Or rather, I haven’t been back there since. Sad because I love that co-op, but I just didn’t feel safe with that woman disregarding every social distancing recommendation. And, to circle back to my fears post-COVID, I don’t know when or if I’ll ever feel safe in the general public again.