Ever since I left the hospital, I have adopted the sarcastic motto of HEARTSTRONG! Why? Because I think it’s funny. I had two cardiac arrests and a stroke, and yet, there is nothing wrong with my heart. I had an angiogram and there were no rips, tears, or breaks in my heart. My heart doc put me on a heart monitor for a month, but he emphasized it was just a precaution. He said it was the pneumonia that caused all the trouble, which is so weird to me. I’ve had bronchial issues all my life, which has been annoying, but I didn’t think about it being life-threatening.
When I started taiji fourteen or so years ago, it was with the mission of backing up my attitude with actual skill. I carried myself in a way that would deter 9 out of 10* would-be assailants. I walked with a purposeful stride and a hard look behind my sunglasses. I kept my head level and my shoulders set. I knew, though, that it was mostly for show and that if push came to shove, well, I would get shoved. Hard.
Once when I was out with K, I watched as a young woman teetered to her car on very high heels. Her arms were ladened with shopping bags and she had her keyring dangling from her fingers. Everything about her screamed, “Attack me!” and I shook my head silently. That was not what I wanted to present to the world and while I knew that I looked foreboding, I didn’t have much to back it up.
That’s why I decided to start learning taiji. It was a toss-up between that and aikido, and I don’t remember what finally tipped me over into taiji. Maybe because there is no offense in aikido? My taiji teacher told me that (she tried aikido first), but I’m not sure I knew that before choosing taiji.
I have mentioned several times before that I was the worst student ever in the beginning. I questioned everything and was a pain in my teacher’s ass. I hated the Solo Form which is the first thing you learn and the basis for everything else we do. Recently, my teacher’s teacher introduced the Medium Solo Form which I like so much better than the Long Form. But, unfortunately, the Long Form is better for health, so I’m doing the first section of it for now.
I will be frank. I hated taiji. I tried it years earlier with a different teacher, but that did not go well at all. This time, I liked my teacher, but I was resistant to learning the Solo Form. I was cranky and snappy, and I questioned everything she taught me. I hated it so much and yet, there was a tiny voice inside of me that said it was exactly what I needed. I knew that I was benefiting from it, but I couldn’t make myself like it. I also knew I should practice at home, but I couldn’t make myself do that. In fact, the reason I added another class per week and then another (landing on three classes per week) was because I couldn’t make myself practice at home.
When I finally started a home practice, it was five minutes a day of stretches. Then ten minutes of stretches and a section of the Long Form. Before I went into the hospital, I did one section of the Medium Form (my favorite of the solo forms), ten minutes of stretches and single postures, and half an hour to forty-five minutes of weapons, depending on the day. I was contemplating teaching myself the Left Side of the Double Saber Form. This is by far my favorite form (though the Sword Form holds a special place in my heart) and I am sad that I have to teach it to myself all over again. I tried the beginning of the form with my escrima sticks (lighter than double sabers) and made it through the beginning postures, which is three movements (they’re officially movements, but I still call them postures). I watched my teacher’s teacher do it and I was right what the next movement was, but I hadn’t been able to quite do it while practicing.
I know it’s going to take time because I finished teaching it to myself recently. The Sword Form was a piece of cake because I have done it countless times. The Saber Form shouldn’t take too long except maybe in a place or two because I learned it twice. The Left Side is another matter, but it still shouldn’t be that hard. There are six rows and each row repeats the same movement several times. I’ve learned to appreciate the saber if not love it.
Now that I’m out of the hospital, my daily taiji routine is drastically different. I do not have the energy to do the weapons, unfortunately. I can do the Sword Form (Right Side) with a toy sword that is lighter than a wooden sword. I did the full right side and later half the left side. The only issue is I have a mild tremor in the middle finger of my left hand when I lift that hand over my head, which is annoying, but not a big deal.
But…I want to teach myself the Double Saber Form before anything else. It’s the one I most recently learned the whole form (my teacher was teaching me the Cane Form, right side, when I went into the hospital) and it’s my favorite form. It’s hard to explain, but my whole being comes alive when I do the Double Saber Form. It makes my heart smile, especially one part of it.
A few of the main tenets of taiji are as follows. One, no hurry, no worry. Which works nicely in tandem with the belief that there is all the time in the world to learn taiji. Which is not technically true, but I appreciate the spirit of the saying. A truism my teacher has hammered into my head is that taiji is the lazy person’s martial art in that the goal is to exert as little energy as possible for the biggest results. It’s difficult for Americans to grasp as we have been indoctrinated with sayings such as no pain, no gain. We’re told to give 150% (which is one of my pet peeves. You literally cannot give more than 100%) and scolded when we slack off, even the littlest bit. In taiji, nothing should ever hurt. If you already have a baseline of pain, that’s one thing, but taiji should never make it worse. There’s a gentle ache from stretching your muscles, but there should never be pain.
I’m trying to be patient and summon my inner taiji, but it’s not easy. I hate feeling stalled, which is how I feel right now. I know, though, that in the long run, it’s better if I take my time rather than force myself to do more than I’m able. No hurry, no worry. I need that tattooed on my arm.
*Number pulled directly out of my ass. An ass number, if you will.