I am different than most people, and I’m fine with it. I don’t like what other people like for the most part, and I do not participate in discussions about those things because there really is no purpose to it. It’s interesting. There’s a letter at Ask A Manager from a person who is an enthusiastic animal rescue person and wants to move off her team because on of her coworkers bought a dog from a breeder. I will say that I am firmly a rescue first person, but I also know there are many reasons why this may not be possible. In this case, I think the LW (Letter Writer) probably doesn’t want to die on this hill.
It’s interesting ,though, all the people espousing the wonders of being around people with differing opinions. “Bing in a vacuum is no good!”, they bleat. “You don’t want to simply go along with the hive mind!” Which, yes, it’s true that it’s good to consider other opinions.
Side note: I’m looking for a video to include with this post. One thing that drives me absolutely batty are power songs that talk about accepting yourself as is, warts and all, but the women singing them (yes, women) are picture-perfect. I know it’s pop culture and media and whatnot, but that ‘I love myself the way I am’ message gets lost when you look like a bog-standard American beauty.
Coifed to perfection. Makeup flawless. Skinny or at best normal-sized. Like, I can’t take you seriously about how broken/flawed/a misfit you are when you look like exactly what society dictates to be beautiful. “I wear baggy jeans!” Well, when you’re a size four, that’s not the big rebellion you think it is, especially when you’re wearing a full face of makeup.
To me, that’s just faux modesty. I know you did not roll out of bed that way and singing about how this is the flawed you, yeah, no. Again, I realize they’re videos. They are meant for thoughtless consumption, but it’s just annoying to me.
Anyway, back to hanging out with people who don’t have the same values/beliefs/ideals, etc. It’s easy to espouse that when you’re in the majority. When everything you believe is the accepted norm. Then, yes, it’s good to look outside your bubble and hear other points of view. I, on the other hand, am a freak in almost every way. Politically, no. And I’m grateful for that, but that touches on my other beef. Things like reproductive justice–I have no interest in discussing it. I don’t want to hear the opinion that a person who is pregnant is not a whole person who doesn’t have the right to do what they choose with their body. I am on the extreme of abortion politics in that I think it should always be between the pregnant person and their doctor. Period. I’m in that five percent on the left, and i have no desire to discuss it because no one is going to change my mind. Nor am I going to change the mind of someone on the far right. And why should I debate something that I’m not going to change my mind on? That just leads to frustration.
You want to talk about preventative measures and ways to support pregnant people so they can make the decision they want to make? I’m all in. Talking about ways to support babies and kids? I’m down with that, too. But not abortion itself. I have very little give there.
Everything about me is different than the societal norm, though. This is my main beef with the whole ‘consider other points of view’ argument. Small things like not liking most of popular media (I don’t like Star Wars OR Star Trek, for example). Big things like abortion. I know I’m in the minority as I am with my gender, race, marital status, child status, lack of religion, and pop culture. I don’t think there is anything besides my political bent that is in the norm (and even that is questionable).
It’s easy to say that you should listen to other opinions when it’s not ALL you have to listen to. Something as small as me not caring about Marvel movies to me not being married and having children. The latter is so stigmatized that even mentioning you don’t have children can be fraught with imbued meaning that wasn’t meant to be. Just stating you don’t have/want children is a revolutionary act, apparently.
It’s interesting. In the RKG Discord, there is an ongoing discussion about what is and isn’t acceptable in polite society (not that serious, though, and in varying topics. Yesterday, it was the meaning of steamed milk v. frothy milk. Seriously). It’s fascinating to watch people argue, assuming that they are 100% correct. Let’s be real. They’re mostly cis white men, which means they ARE the norm.
I come from the viewpoint that there’s always someone telling me I’m wrong for whatever I believe. When I was more active on Twitter, I would occasionally make a comment about not liking Coen brothers movies, for examples. I would always get people incredulous and wanting to know that the fuck was wrong with me.
So I’m inured to people questioning my beliefs, opinions, tastes, and choices. I pretty much assume that someone is going to hate what I choose to do. I just don’t care, for a variety of reasons. But, here’s the rub. When you have people constantly telling you that you are wrong, you have to shut them out at some point.
So, yeah. I don’t agree that you have to listen to opposing opinions when that’s all you hear all the time. Some of the commenters did make a distinction about identities (i.e., homophobia, sexism, racism, etc.) and beliefs, but that distinction isn’t such a bright right line. Me not marrying and having children isn’t protected by any antidiscrimination laws, but it’s deeply affected me. I don’t mind listening about people’s kids, obviously, but I don’t think I need to STFU about me not having kids. Or about how happy I am not to have kids.
I get wary when people talk about having to listen to all opinions because it’s often a way to oppress the minority. While the people who were advocating this on the Ask A Manager website would protest that they are not those people, it’s easy to say that when you are in the minority about anything. It’s always harder to see your own privilege than it is to point out someone else’s.
I agree that it’s good to have debates and discussions, but everyone has a line that they draw. Where they draw it is deeply personal and only they can decide what is worthwhile to them and what isn’t. Everyone has different dealbreakers, much like being in a romantic relationship.
I’m pretty comfortable with my own boundaries and where I draw them. I don’t feel the need to justify or defend myself any longer. Again, this is something that happened because of my medical trauma. Life is too short for me to give a damn what other people think of me. I’m going to keep on doing my thing, and I heartily encourage you to do the same.