If I were to be completely honest, I wish I never had to think or talk about gender again. I don’t care about my gender. At all. I don’t think about it other than in context of politics. What I mean is that, sadly, gender is not simply personal. It would be nice if it were, of course.
Yesterday, I wrote about how to separate the personal from the political–and how difficult it is to do that. Like, each individual woman saying she chose to shave because she did not like the feel of hair on her legs/armpits and because she did not like the reaction she got isn’t a big thing in and of itself. But when the majority of women respond in that way, then it becomes societal expectation.
When my Taiji teacher said that she wore lipstick and mascara or whatever because it made her feel younger, like she was taking care of herself, and more confident. But, men don’t do that and aren’t expected to do that, so it’s inherently sexist.
The thing is, though, that we all do things that are part of the patriarchy one way or the other. You can’t escape it being a part of this society. Just like we can’t help being racist, queerphobic, and any other ism that any society has. In my case, I have hair hdown to my mid-thighs. That’s very feminine, and I’ve had more than one person comment on it positively. I’ve had short hair before, and I did not get compliments when I did.
In addition, I used my boobs to get drinks in the past and had no qualms about it. I don’t think showing off my ass…ets to my advantage is a bad thing. I don’t know where I draw that line.
I’m naive in that I keep hoping that people will just take each other as they are. I know that people won’t stop judging (I can be very judgey myself), but in the end, if something about a person doesn’t affect you, then why care?
I really don’t get why someone’s gender and/or sexual identity affects anyone other than themselves or whomever they may choose to be with. Me being bi (ugh. I really should find a better word for it) matters why? If you’re not someone to whom I am attracted, than why do you care? Unless you’re just mad because I’m not attracted to you, but that’s not my fault.
I do not get why my gender and sexual identity matter to anyone. Or my lack of procreation. Or me not being married. Or me not being religious. I mean, I get it on a surface level because people are very much about themselves and in-groups. But on a personal level, I don’t get it because who the fuck cares? What I do or don’t do does not affect anyone but me. I mean specifically in the case of whether my gender is female or not, it doesn’t matter to my daily life.
I read a therad on Ask A Manager about gender in which there were a surprising amount of women who said they didn’t really identify with their gender. I was heartened by it because it can be hard to find them in the wild. Though the two women I’m closest to also have complex feelings about gender.
K and I have said that if we were in our twenties now, we probably would be nonbinary. I stil maintain that I would be agender rather than nonbinary, but the latter would be more a possibility if I were younger and more apt to tease it out. She thinks that even in our lifetime (or maybe soon thereafter), the default pronoun will be they rather than he or he/she. I think she’s being optimistic, but it’s quite possible that in her adult child’s lifetime, that may be the case.
I am disheartened that we’re back to ‘makeup/fashion’ are fine (with the unspoken agreement being that it’s necessary) without it ever being oknot to wear makeup or care about fashion or not shave. Or not wear a bra. It’s never really been ok not to do any of that, which is my issue. It’s not truly a choice if one of the choices is considered better than ever.
It’s like when there was a big show made of it’s ok for women to choose to wear next-to-nothing because they were empowering themselves. Which, in a vacuum, would be fine. But, again, if the opposite was not true, that they were allowed to dress more modestly as a feeling of empowerment, then it’s not a real choice.
The fact that so many women stop before that point frustrates the fuck out of me. I am also tired of being the one who is supposed to be considerate of other people’s choices. What about mine? What about my choices? On a post about bras at work (whether you had to wear them to be professional or not, at Ask A Manager), there was a sizeable and vocal minority who insisted that it was unprofessional not to wear a bra. There were even some who said it was sexualizing the workplace, even though the letter writer (LW) said explicitly that she covered everything up.
One woman was horrified at the idea that the merest hint of jiggle or nipple might be there. It was profoundly depressing that this mentailty still exists. It reminds me of another post about getting your period at work (is it ok to state that you have cramps or got caught unexpected or whatever). One woman actually said that if you did not know when you were getting your period, you should wear a pantyliner every day in order never to be caught unaware.
I mean, what?? It’s unprofessional to excuse yourself to run to the bathroom because your period started? I don’t mean you should say that you just got your period when you’re excusing yourself, but you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about it either. Or have to wear a pantyliner every day. I had a highly irregular period and wourd put on a pantyliner if I was running out to do errands or something, but no way I would do it every day.
We are human beings with bodily needs, and it should be fine to take care of them discreetly. As for a bra, there is no professional reason to degree that someone specifically wear a bra. Cover up the nips, fine. But make sure that’s for people of all genders.
The bottom line is that there are very few instances when someone’s gender matters to the subject at hand. Professionally or socially. Just because people want to politicize it, doesn’t mean we have to give in to that framing.