Many moons ago, my brother and I had a discussion about how we Google. Hey, we talk about a lot of things that are on our minds, not necessarily anything deep and insightful. We are very different people, which means we Google in completely opposite ways. Or at least did at the time of this convo. He was the, “I want to make the decisions for myself” kind of guy and would Google using as broad of terms as possible. I, on the other hand, am a, “I want to go through as few highly-specific results as possible” kind of person–which I still am to this day. He would start general and winnow as he went. I start very specific and broaden out if needed.
Some years ago, my brother told me that he had come around to my point of view. I want to stress that I don’t think my way is better–it’s just how I do things. I have always Googled this way and it’s done me well over the years. I am a Google deity and if I can’t find it, it can’t be found (well, anything that can be found legally, that is). One time, my parents couldn’t find the contact information for my father’s ex-boss (From decades ago. They remained in touch over the years and then lost contact). My brother was over, and we went to work. We had the name and the last phone number they were able to reach him through. The latter was not working and they really wanted to find him. We checked the socials–nothing. His name wasn’t very uncommon, either, so we couldn’t find him that way. I don’t remember all the machinations we went through, but we finally found him.
My mom is a sandplay therapist and sometimes asks me about a certain miniature she has, but does not know what it is. One time, it was a Indian (from India) god statue. She sent me a picture. That was it. I had a similar statue, but that wasn’t helpful. It took me an hour, but I found out the information she was seeking.
Anyway, what changed my brother’s mind? His bio for his real estate work. It’s highly specific because he works best with certain types of people (as we all do). He’s not touchy-feely at all so he prefers people who are more on the pragmatic side. He had to learn how to be sensitive to other people’s feelings and it’s still not something he’s great at. Instead of fighting it, however, he embraced other parts of himself instead. His terrifying efficiency and competency. His zeal for environmental protection policies (both politically and personally). His vast stores of knowledge in his field and about computers. His warmth and his desire to do his absolute best for every client.
He’s not for everyone. He knows that and he’s fine with it. Instead, he focuses on the people he IS for–which is the same as my Google method. So he told me at some point that he saw the worth in the way I Google and has switched over. For me, it’s because I usually know what I want in my mind. So I try to use as many search terms as possible when I Google because it saves me time in the end. If I can’t find any results (which is very rare), then I broaden my terms. But my initial Googling skills are on point so I rarely have to do that. That’s why my brother’s old way of Googling isn’t for me. I am able to pinpoint what I need from the start and I’d rather go from there than a vague, general description.
It’s the same with dating. I’m a particular person. There are things I know I cannot put up with. Any kind of ism, obviously, is not on. At all. Also, someone needing to know where I am all the time. That’s not good, either. I already have the tendency to become enmesh so I do not need a partner who has that same tendency.
When I was in my twenties, I was told I was too picky. Which made no sense to me (and still doesn’t). If I am going to spend an appreciable amount of time with someone, why the hell wouldn’t I be picky? Look. Here’s the deal. I like spending the vast proportion of my time alone. Just me and my cat, Shadow. Even before the pandemic, I rarely went out except for my Taiji classes. It was partly because of my depression and anxiety, but it was mostly because I simply preferred not to be around other people. So, to relate it to dating, if I’m going to date someone, then I have to want to spend time with them more than I want to be at home alone. That’s a really high bar to clear.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing what you do and don’t want in a partner. I recognize that you’re not likely to get everything you want in a partner, but it’s fine to have deal-breakers. For me, one is not respecting that I know myself better than anyone else. And that I have a fairly clear assessment of myself most of the time. And that I’m going to be in my head most of the time. I think about things all the time and that’s not going to stop. I think deeper than many people do. One time, I was telling my last therapist about an argument I was having with someone online and how I couldn’t let it go. She said, “Minna, you keep thinking that if you just find the right words, you can make them understand. But you’re on a level above them and they literally can’t understand what you’re saying.” I have talked ad nauseam about the other part of the Dunning-Kruger Effect, that people who are smart underestimate how smart they are (or how good they are at something) and it’s for the same reason that incompetent people who think highly of themselves don’t realize they’re incompetent–you are your own baseline. You can’t gauge what is normal because you are normal to you.
So, yeah, I need to date someone who has a high EQ or at least respects that I am exceptionally perceptive when it comes to emotions. I can’t be with someone who is dismissive of my emotional experiences. Well, any of my experiences, really. On the flip side, I know I can be pretty snotty when it comes to what I know and don’t know–even if I don’t say it out loud. I don’t know everything, though I sometimes think I do. I have to acknowledge that as well.
Bottom line is that I don’t feel a burning need to date. I’d like to try it once the situation in the world simmer downs a bit–so not this year. Probably not even next year. But that means it just gives me time to really focus on what I want and don’t want when dating someone.
I will say that I’m still fixated on when I should bring up my medical trauma. I don’t think it’s first date material, but it’s also a good way to cut out people who just can’t deal. I don’t think I’d spring it on the first date, but probably before the sex date? (And, yes I mean sex and not six(th)). I don’t know. It’s new territory and something I’ll cross when I get there, I suppose. For now, it’s just popcorn and YouTube for (solo) me!