I have dealt with hypothyroidism for over thirty years of my life, so you can imagine the surprise and delight* I felt when I learned that famed endocrinologist, Gwyneth Paltrow, decided to share her knowledge on the subject. Now, you would think that means she consulted experts or read several studies on the subject, right? Ha, nope. Scientific data is for nerds, yo, and we all know Gwyneth is too cool for school. She doesn’t need to talk to an actual doctor on the subject. Why should she when she has the Medical Medium, Anthony William, to tell her all she needs to know on the subject? You think I kid? I do not. He is a man who claims to have access to a high-level spirit** who disperses medical knowledge that will stun and amaze you! For only five payments of $29.99 each, you, too, can have the secrets to eternal li–oh, sorry. Something about him just brings out the huckster in me. I’m sure it’s not related to him being a snake oil salesman. Anyway, his solution to hypothyroidism is to take iodine supplements, and he has a lot of gobbledy-gook to back up his claim. No actual studies, mind you, but plenty of gibberish that sounds as if it might be plausible. Did I mention he’s not an actual doctor? No? Well, he’s not, but I guess when you have a high-level spirit on your side, who needs a measly piece of paper that says MD on it? Not Anthony William!
I’ve decided to talk to my own high-level spirit, my great-great-great-great (pauses, counts, adds one more great) aunt whose name translates as She Who Causes Cherry Blossoms to Swirl Around Your House in English, but I call her Auntie Cherry Blossom because who’s got time to say all that? I pull out my crystal ball and focus all my energy on the astral plane. Not the Serengeti Plains, by the way, which is what happened last time, and wherever my honorable ancestors may be, that ain’t it. I chant her name softly while I play a recording of a pipa playing in the background. I make sure my phone has the Taiwanese-ghost-to-English translation app (ghosttoenglishtranslator.com) installed so I can actually understand what my Auntie Cherry Blossom is saying to me. I wait impatiently, but she’s running on Taiwanese time, which means she shows up twenty minutes after I called upon her. She’s a tiny, ancient Taiwanese woman with her snowy white hair bundled on top of her head. She’s staring at me with a gimlet eye because I woke her up from her sleep. I’ve always been shitty with time zones, especially when they are thirteen hours apart, or is it fourteen? And, why do ghosts need sleep, anyway? I dismiss this as unimportant because I don’t want to waste Auntie Cherry Blossom’s endless supply of time.