Underneath my yellow skin

Resolution in the Face of Indecision

I don’t have much use for New Year resolutions, but I’ve been finding myself at odds in  the last month or so, and I’m not sure why. It could be because of the anniversary of the lost of my beloved Raven, or it might just be that time of year. At any rate, I’ve been more morose than I have been in some time. Maybe because I’m closer to fifty than to forty, but I’m contemplating the end of my life and what I’ll have to show for it. I will say that on the familial front, my relationship with my parents has never been better, and as I’ve said, I attribute it to taiji. My teacher was recently talking about how tension makes you numb so you can’t physically feel things. Then, when you first start to relax, all you can feel is tension. You had gotten so used to it, you never even noticed how tense you were. When my relationship with my parents was at its lowest, I had my shoulders hunched up around my ears metaphorically all the time. I was so tense all the time. Then, with the help of taiji, I learned to release the tension. It was great, but I started noticing how great my tension was. My shoulders were like rock, and the small of my back was constantly aching. Talking to my parents made me tenser, which I also noticed.

Quite frankly, this was the worst of both worlds. When I was tense all the time, it was just a way of life. I didn’t know any differently, so I just accepted it as normal. Then, I learned it wasn’t normal or even sustainable, but I didn’t feel I could do anything about it. Rather, I could keep doing taiji, which I have, but I didn’t feel I could do anything more tangible. So, I felt more physically horrible than I did when I was tense all the time, even though I was ostensibly doing better. I felt the same emotionally. For years, I had defenses a mile high, and I was bunkered down behind them. Once they started falling, but I yet didn’t have anything to take their place, I felt as if my emotions were pinging all over the place. It was a really uncomfortable place in which to be, and I felt powerless to do anything about it.

Now, I find I am much more able to control my emotions and not be as controlled by them. I’m in a better place emotionally, even if I’ve been more morose in the past few weeks. I’m also healthier overall, my recent illness not withstanding. I am no longer defensive when I talk to my parents, and we’re actually able to have meaningful conversations without shouting on either side. I’m astonished, actually, at how far we’ve come.

There are a few things that are weighing heavily on my soul. One, the lack of sex. It’s been years, and while I’ve sublimated  it more often  than not, it’s come to the forefront in the past few months. I can tell that I’m jonesing because any half-attractive person I see in public, I give a mental long look to. It’s like being on a restrictive diet and then being set loose in a chocolate shop. I want to eat it all, and I want it NOW. Tandem with this hunger is the realization that I don’t want a romantic relationship. It’s been difficult for me to accept that because it’s such a staple of American life. We’re a very couple-focused society, and we look  down on people who don’t buy into the system. If you question the viability of a monogamous sexual  relationship as the only way to live your life, you’re told to grow up and be an adult. It’s taken me some time to  admit out loud that while I want and desire sex, I don’t want all the trimmings that come with a romantic relationship.

I knew when I was in my twenties that I didn’t want to live with someone. I like my space, and I like not talking to other people more often than not. I like making decisions based only on my own needs and maybe those of my cat, Shadow. I want a FWB situation in which it truly is with a friend and not a potential romantic partner. I’m just not sure the best way to go about it.

I’m getting tired  again, so I’ll wrap this up for now and continue tomorrow. Above is Shironeko taking a nap, which is probably what I’m going to do soon as well.

Leave a reply