Let’s talk about martial arts some more. Why? Because I’ve been thinking about the obsessions I have in my life. I have the type of personality neuroatypical brain that latches onto something and won’t let go–for a given amount of time. It can be a few months like black “diamonds”, jigsaw puzzles, musical soundtracks (like Moulin Rouge and Rent), and cheesecake. I used to bake back in the day, and cheesecake was my obsession for a hot second. Yes, I even made one. It was pretty good!
These obsessions are fast and fleeting. They last a month or three, but when I’m done with them, I’m done. This is me in general, though. I run through things and people, and once I’m finished–I’m finished. This can be books, websites, games, or people. My last therapist (about two decades ago) told me somewhat acerbically that it wasn’t a good thing. I knew that, but that didn’t mean it was easy to change.
Part of the probelm was that I poured everything I had into that one thing/person. Once I reached the end of it or felt I wasn’t getting reciprocated love, I was D-O-N-E. And I very rarely changed my mind. VERY rarely.
When I was younger (in my twenties), I felt bad that I was like this. I felt it meant I was fickle or not serious about my interests. It wasn’t until after my medical crisis that I felt more at peace with the fact that if I liked something intensely for a month and then never wanted to think of it again, it was ok. It’s also when I realized that I was neuroatypical.
There’s another kind of obsession that is sustaining, but more lowkey. Meaning, I don’t think about it all the time, but it comes up occasionally, and then I’m very much into it. I would put Poirot novels in that category. I loved them when I was younger, and I’ve read every one at least three times and some of them up to several dozen times. I’ve seen the David Suchet series several times as well. in fact, I may be up for another watch–except I have to sub-subscribe to two different British producers in order to watch the whole series, which makes me VERY cranky.
These are things that make me instantly happy when I think of them, which isn’t often. I think the fact that I can be absorbed with them for a very short period of time and then put them down again makes it easier for my interest to sustain itself. I think the way to describe my casual interests (as it were) is that I have a finite amount of time for them. If I stuff myself to the gills with them for a month, then I’m done. If I ration it out for obsessing a week at a time or so, then I can sustain my interest for longer.
Here’s the thing. I know my brain works this way; I really do. I know that if I like something, I am going to be obsessed with it to a certain extent. It’s the same with people. I will give and give and get really into someone–and then, at some point, I’ll lose complete interest. This isn’t with everyone, but it happens often.
Here’s why. People and things don’t change very much. I mean, how someone is today is probably how someone will be tomorrow. This was especially true about websites (forums). When I reached the point when I knew how the vast majority of the people were going to respond, I was done. Again, I wasn’t saying this was a good tihng about me, but I knew it was how I was.
I’m very push-pull as well. I tend to either cling or keep myself at a distance. I don’t know how to be healthy about it, which has been a lifelong struggle. Honestly, I feel more comfortable keeping my distance because otherwise, my senses are overwhelmed. I have no filter so I have to be in total control of everything around me. You can’t really be a dictator if you live with someone. Or rather, you can, but uit’s a miserable experience for everyone (especially the person being controlled).
Then, we have the long-term obsessions that have lasted over the years. Well, one major one, really. That would be, of course, martial arts. Taiji, to be specific, with Bagua being a newcomer. I have been studying the latter for maybe a year, whereas I started the former when I was thirty-five, I think? Nearly twenty years, more or less.
And, because my brain is the way it is, I had to trick it into continuing. I will be frank. I really struggled with it in the beginning. I did not like the Solo (Long) Form, but I knew it was the basis for everything else we did. I dutifully learned it, but I fought against it. And I could not make myself practice at home, so I added a second class a week. Then a third. Then I tricked my brain by just doing five minutes of stretching/warm-ups a day.
This is how my brain works. I wanted to practice at home, but I just could not make myself. It took years before I actually practiced Taiji at home. Now, I do about an hour-and-a-half practice a day that includes warmups, stretches, and several forms both in Taiji and Bagua. About a year ago, I finally started calling myself an advanced student. I mean, I haven’t been a novice for quite some time, but I didn’t feel comfortable calling mysesf advanced anything. I’m not sure why that is, but I just said I studied Taiji and left it at that.
Once I started teaching myself forms, however, that’s when I decided that I could call myself an advanced student. I waited for a lightning bolt to come down and smite me, but it did not happen. My teacher seemed to be fine with it as well. I mean, she believes that everyone who studies is a master to people who don’t know Taiji, so I wasn’t expecting her to protest. Plus, I was her first official student, and I know she’s proud of me.
I ask her every time I want to teach myself a new form out of courtesy. I wouldn’t want to do something that she didn’t approve of, but she’s always fine with it. I don’t know if there’s a form I could choose that she would not be fine with, but I would not like to push it.
More tomorrow.