I’m living that weapons life. I never thought I’d love anything* as much as I love my weapons. Ian and I were talking about getting new tats, which I haven’t done in decades. Before, I always thought I’d get one more and it would be a tree of life with a woman’s figure and face on my left hip/thigh. I wanted to wait until I reached a point in my life where I felt, if not good about myself, then at least neutral. I’m not there; I may never be. I have reached the point where I no longer passionately hate myself, though, so, yay?
Anyway, in talking with Ian, I realized that I no longer wanted that tattoo. It no longer represents what I want from life or who I am. I still think fondly of it, but it’s not what I want right now. If I were to get a tattoo, it would have to reflect my passion for weapons. I tried to find an image of what I wanted, but it’s very difficult to find non-cheesy tats when it comes to Asian shit because of all that mystical Orient bullshit. I would have my tattooist draw it themselves, obviously, but it would be helpful to have concrete image to give them so they could go off it.
What I want is someone similar to me in body shape and size, maybe with the face shaded out. Then, doing a weapon posture. The one I immediately thought of was the current one I’m learning with the staff/spear. I’ll see if I can describe it. You stand in the standard bow position with one foot forward and the other back and to the side. The back foot is turned outwards 45 degrees while the front foot is pointed forward. The position I want is the figure to be weighted on the back foot with the front of the staff pointed down and the back end held up high. My initial idea was to have the rest of the weapons I love depicted around the figure in a circle. However, as I was typing this, another idea hit me. The same figure with each of the weapons doing a different posture/movement. I could have them all around my body or maybe in the same area, such as my thigh or my back.
Of course, this is all academic for now. There is no way in hell I’m getting a tattoo any time in the near future given the situation of *waves hand at world around*.
Let’s talk about the spear/staff. Before we do, however, i need to talk about weapons in general. I’ve talked about them ad nauseam, but I cannot believe how much they mean to me and how it came as a complete shock. Before I tried weapons, I viewed them with suspicion because I was a pacifist! There was no way I was going to pick up a weapon! Yes, I started taiji specifically to learn the martial applications of the Solo Form, but that was for self-defense! That was completely different!
This was what I told myself at the time. And I don’t mean facetiously as a way to rationalize something to myself. I mean that I sincerely believed it. It didn’t help that I didn’t like the Solo Form (some would say hate. I would say hate. Or at least, really dislike parts of it. The only part I liked was the kicks section) and the only way I could make myself care was by–well, I don’t remember how I pushed myself through it, honestly. I know anytime my teacher showed us applications, I would perk up and pay attention. I have never given a shit about it being beneficial to my mental and physical health (though I now appreciate both of those greatly, especially during the pandemic), but the applications? I was all about that.
To this day I don’t love the Solo Form. I’m neutral about it and positive about parts of it–including the Fast Form. Because it’s for applications purposes. Otherwise, I just accept it’s something I do and realize it’s the basis for everything else we do. In other words, I’m grateful to it because it allows me to do the things I truly love. Also, some of the applications are absolutely brutal, which makes me cackle with glee. I’m grateful to have a teacher who absolutely understands that I can both love the nasty applications and hope I never have to use them.
As for the weapons, I’ve documented time and time again that I balked at trying them because they represented violence to me. As much as I loved the martial applications of the postures/movements in the Solo Form, I was not comfortable embracing something that was explicitly for hurting someone else. I had a line drawn in my mind and I was unwilling/unable to step across it. I had a million reasons why I couldn’t/shouldn’t/wouldn’t do weapons and I doubt that I would have ever picked one up by myself. If it weren’t for my teacher literally forcing one into my hand, well, who knows how long it would have taken me to overcome my distaste, if ever? But, she did. She placed a wooden sword in my hand and told me to just hold it.
There has rarely been a time where one action made such a dramatic and instant change to my life. The second my fingers closed around the hilt of the sword, I knew it was what I was meant to do. I had never been so sure of anything in my life (except not wanting to have children) and I wanted that feeling to last forever. I went from being reluctant to hold a weapon to eagerly learning everything about the sword I could as quickly as possible. I bought a steel sword fairly shortly after at the demo at my teacher’s school, which I use to this day. It wasn’t cheap (in fact, the seller said it was the most expensive one he had brought because of course it was. I have very expensive tastes though I don’t normally indulge in them), but I rationalized that I could use it for the rest of my life. And I love it still.
Now, the newest weapon I’m learning is the staff/spear. I say it like that because I’m using a staff (which I loooooooooove how it feels in my hands), but doing spear drills. The spear is the highest level of the taiji weapons with the sword being second. The saber is the lowest with the rest falling somewhere in between. It’s funny how for non-sentient objects, they have such different feelings in my hands. The second I touched a sword, I knew it was meant to be. When I bought my steel sword, it was like I had known it all my life. When I tried the saber for the first time, I hated how it felt in my hands. It just felt wrong. Two years later, there was a neutral to slightly positive feeling when I picked it up. Now, it’s warmly comfortable. The second I picked up my staff, I had the same feeling I had when I touched a sword for the first time. It’s not just that it felt right; it felt so fucking good. The cane is a lively feel–it’s just a fun weapon. The deer-horn knives are weighty and serious. the karambit is a natural fit and very light in my hand. The double escrima sticks (substitutes for double sabers) also feel light and natural with a bit of heft behind them.
It’s really hard to explain how each weapon has a different feel (that’s not the hard part) and energy (that’s the hard part). It makes sense from a martial arts viewpoint because each weapon expends a different kind of energy, but I know how I sound to an outsider. And I don’t care, really. It’s funny because my teacher is not big into the weapons. During the time she taught me the sword and saber (first time), I got the feeling that she wasn’t wildly in love with them the way I was, but I didn’t realize that she had no affinity for them until much later. Let’s put it this way, the Solo Form and the weapons are swapped for her. Once she told me that almost as an aside, I realized I had felt it on some level, but never really put the pieces together. It made me more grateful that she had pushed me to try the weapons and was always receptive when I was bubbling over with enthusiasm about something or the other with a weapon. Because she’s a great teacher, she knows the best way to teach someone is to engage them in what they’re interested in. Which for me is weapons.
Speaking of which, I need to buy a double saber set. It’s hard to find a practice one, but it’s time.
It’s hard to explain, but I just come alive when I’m practicing the weapons. I am the most ‘me’ I can be when I’m wielding a sword or staff or double sabers. I can relax and let down my shields and just be one with whatever weapon I’m wielding at the time. I think that’s one reason I had such a hard time with the saber the first time–it didn’t come naturally to me. It felt wrong in my hands and as if it was fighting me every step of the way. When I put it down, I felt nothing but relief. When I picked it up again two years later, it felt so different in my hands. No longer was it fighting me and snapping and snarling. It didn’t feel good, mind you, but it didn’t feel bad, either. I had learned a lot in those two years and I no longer expected the saber to be like the sword.
I had forgotten most of what I had learn the first time, but I picked it up much more easily the second time. Also, I was ready for it to be different than the sword so it didn’t take me by surprise this time. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but I was determined to learn it. And, to my surprise, it went much more smoothly the second time. I grew to like and appreciate it over the months it took to learn, and I felt all kinds of way when I learned the complicated posture/movement that had halted me in my tracks the last time.
The saber showed me that I could persevere with something that I hated and grow to, well, not love it, but like and appreciate it. I have warm feelings about it in part because it taught me to be patient and to adapt to each weapon rather than expect it to adapt to me.
My life has changed since I first picked up a sword four or five years ago. I cannot express how much meaning the weapons have given my life and how grateful I am for them.
*Non-sentient. Though sometimes they feel sentient to me.