I hate the word forgive. Or rather, I hate the way it is commonly used in America–as a bludgeon to beat about the head of victims while firmly keeping the systems of abuse in place. Oh, and it’s deeply rooted in the Christian background of our young country. I am reminded of this every time there’s a discussion about forgiveness and I’ve been gratified to see over the years more and more people willing to vocalize feelings similar to mine.
Let’s start with the first problem–the loose definition of the word forgive. Now, it’s true that most words mean different things to different people. It’s both the beauty and the frustration of language. So when we talk about the word forgive, we have to first tackle what we actually mean when we say forgive.
First up is, sigh, what seems to be the current Christian definition. Fair warning, this is interpreted by me, someone who has a complicated history with Christianity. I was raised evangelical Christian. Through many years of therapy, I came to realize that the particular brand of Christianity I imbibed was fundamentalist in nature, which gives me extra reason to be pissy about Christianity in general. I never truly believed the tenets of Christianity while I was a kid/teenager, for which I felt terribly guilty. I’ve told this story many times before, but it was when I first had sex that I completely lost my faith. I was told repeatedly that sex was a big sin, perhaps the biggest of all. It was evil and terrible, until you got married and then it was beautiful and holy with angels descending from heaven to sing as you orgasmed.
When I first had sex, I actually thought, “This is what’s sending me to hell? This?” Once the scales fell from my eyes it was impossible for me to trust anything else my church had told me. Let’s face it. When the floorboards are rotten, the whole house collapses. For several years after this moment, I was furious with Christianity for being a big, fat lie. It was at this same time that my mother was at her most religious. Not spiritual. Not thoughtful about her region. Just flat-out strident. There was the ‘can we lay hands on you as we pray at you in tongues’, but I don’t want to get into that right now. Oh, and my mom kicked me out of the car when I said I didn’t care about her fucking god after she would not shut up.*
Then, sometime in my thirties, I just…didn’t care any longer. Most of my rage had mellowed out and I could see the benefits to Christianity for people. I didn’t want anything to do with it, but I didn’t feel the need to fight everyone about it, either. I still have to remind my mom from time to time that I don’t pray, but I can live with that.
That’s actually a good segue into talking about forgiveness because my belief is that forgiveness is overrated, but it’s good to move past the anger when it starts hurting you or keeps you stuck in a bad place. That’s what I did with Christianity without even realizing it and without actively working on it. I’m at a live and let live place with it, though, understandably jumpy when it becomes too outsized in, say, politics.
Side note: I’m a libertarian in that I don’t care what someone does as long as it’s consensual and doesn’t hurt someone else. But, I also believe that we have a moral imperative to help others be the best they can be. At the very least, we shouldn’t get in their way while they’re trying to live their best lives. I mention this because Christianity is too often used to diminish other people into a rigid idea of what is right. That’s my issue with Christianity rather than the religion itself.
Side note II: Trying to find a song about not forgiving being acceptable was depressing. It’s really hard and in addition, I got to see countless links saying how you HAVE to forgive in order to move on, be a better person, not be the worst person ever, etc.
Here’s where semantics play a part. I just Googled forgive to see the Merriam Webster definition. I was convinced there was something about ‘saying it’s ok’ in the official definition. There isn’t. In fact, the first definitios in “to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)”. This is what I mean by the definition we’re using matters. And back to what I was first saying. The current Christian definition (and the one used by society in general) seems to be saying that whatever the offender did was fine and that you’re over it. Most of the articles emphasize moving on and that’s where I come up short.
In the Christian definition and in general society, there seems to be the sense that if someone apologizes for something, then the victim has to accept the apology and never bring up the infraction ever again. In fact, if they do, then they become the problem because they’re not able to let it go. The thing I see missing from this equation is genuine remorse on the part of the offender and more importantly, accountability. There’s pressure for the victim to instantly forgive the perpetrator and who does it benefit? The perp and all their enablers.
Here’s the thing. No one is entitled to forgiveness. If someone does me wrong, I get to react however I’m going to react. If they want to say they are sorry and really mean it, well, that’s good, but it doesn’t mean I have to accept it. It doesn’t mean I have to trust them or talk to them ever again. But, if I don’t accept the apology or talk to the person again, then I’m the problem. This is a similar dynamic to dysfunctional families. The victim is pressured to accommodate the abuser because they (the victim) are the reasonable one whereas the abuser is the unreasonable one. That’s why I have an issue with forgiveness as it’s presented in American society–it puts all the pressure on the victim to be the bigger person, thus re-victimizing the person.
“You can’t heal if you don’t forgive.” “You’re really only hurting yourself.” See? It’s putting the pressure on the victim when they already have to deal with the aftermath of whatever happened. I see it in the advice columns I read. “My boyfriend cheated on me, lied to me, and we’re trying to work it out. Why can’t I just have sex with him like I did before?” Um, because he cheated on and lied to you? I will say that my bias is to walk if someone lies to/cheats on me because I would hold it against them. And it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to stay together. One woman described how she and her husband had to come back from him having an affair and I was exhausted just reading it. Again, I don’t want to be in a relationship, anyway, but I just didn’t see why you would want to put yourself through that. She said that their marriage was better than ever and that she was happy she put in the work. More power to her, but I would have been outie.
I am not saying her response is wrong. Heaven knows I can’t judge her on that. But, my point is that my response would have been diametrically opposite and swift. Probably not with yelling involved because that’s my jam, but a deep iciness that could be felt in the entire state of Minnesota. That’s another thing. When you’re betrayed, you’re supposed to be the bigger person and not stoop to the aggressor’s level. I understand why you wouldn’t want to go tit for tat, but it seems if someone retaliates, they get more shit than the original perpetrator.
Here’s the thing. I don’t think you need to forgive to move on if that means implying in any way that the thing the other person did was ok or that you’ve let it go. I think you can work through the anger and move on without ever forgiving in the Christian sense. There are things I will never forgive or forget but that I don’t let get to me any longer. Someone in the AAM forums said they liked acceptance better than forgiveness. Meaning, accepting that such a thing happened without explicitly feeling as if you have to forgive the perp.
Again, this veers into semantics because there are many shades of people saying similar things. But my emphasis is on the fact that any sense of movement has to be completely voluntary on the part of the victim. I would also say it’s difficult to force it, even if you want it to happen. Another aspect of the quick forgiveness is that it attempts to bypass the process of going through the messiness. The times when I’ve let go of a well-deserved anger, it’s been over many years and without conscious effort on my part. I’ll put in another plug for taiji because it’s helped me tremendously in this respect. It was more a matter of realizing many years later that I wasn’t furious about something that had consumed me several years prior.
So I will continue to eschew the word forgiveness and how glibly it gets thrown around. I’ve done fine without it and I somehow doubt I’ll need it any time soon.
*I asked her more than once to quit talking about God. She wouldn’t.