Tag: forget | A Banana Peeled

I was reading my stories this morning (advice columns) and there was one that touched on the question of forgiveness. The columnist said something to the effect of saying he would forgive the person if it was him (and the situation had to do with healing a rift so it was applicable) and I inevitably flinched. He went on to say that it didn’t mean having to be BFF (and after validating that he would be angry in the situation as well. Think Covid exposure and lying), but that forgiveness can help the letter writer (LW) move on. He finished by saying it’s for the person doing the forgiveness, not the one being forgiven.

I hate that bullshit. I really do.

Let me clarify. I do believe that getting stuck in your anger isn’t good. I do believe moving on eventually is what’s best. But, and this is a huge but, I don’t like papering it over with the word forgiveness. Why? Because to me, forgiveness is often meant to hurry people past the righteous angry phase.

I was talking to my mother the other night about Covid. They had a sudden outbreak in Taiwan, but with a strict response from the government, they managed to contain it after a few months. They reached 800 cases a day at their peak and are down to less than 20 a day. It was difficult to be fully sympathetic to my mother when she complained about lockdown because we were fourteen months into our own dealing with the pandemic. So, on the one hand, I could think about the first few months of the pandemic and sympathize with her fear. On the other hand, I was so exhausted from our own situation, it was hard to be completely sympathetic to her.

I hate the word forgive. Or rather, I hate the way it is commonly used in America–as a bludgeon to beat about the head of victims while firmly keeping the systems of abuse in place. Oh, and it’s deeply rooted in the Christian background of our young country. I am reminded of this every time there’s a discussion about forgiveness and I’ve been gratified to see over the years more and more people willing to vocalize feelings similar to mine.

Let’s start with the first problem–the loose definition of the word forgive. Now, it’s true that most words mean different things to different people. It’s both the beauty and the frustration of language. So when we talk about the word forgive, we have to first tackle what we actually mean when we say forgive.

First up is, sigh, what seems to be the current Christian definition. Fair warning, this is interpreted by me, someone who has a complicated history with Christianity. I was raised evangelical Christian. Through many years of therapy, I came to realize that the particular brand of Christianity I imbibed was fundamentalist in nature, which gives me extra reason to be pissy about Christianity in general. I never truly believed the tenets of Christianity while I was a kid/teenager, for which I felt terribly guilty. I’ve told this story many times before, but it was when I first had sex that I completely lost my faith. I was told repeatedly that sex was a big sin, perhaps the biggest of all. It was evil and terrible, until you got married and then it was beautiful and holy with angels descending from heaven to sing as you orgasmed.

When I first had sex, I actually thought, “This is what’s sending me to hell? This?” Once the scales fell from my eyes it was impossible for me to trust anything else my church had told me. Let’s face it. When the floorboards are rotten, the whole house collapses. For several years after this moment, I was furious with Christianity for being a big, fat lie. It was at this same time that my mother was at her most religious. Not spiritual. Not thoughtful about her region. Just flat-out strident. There was the ‘can we lay hands on you as we pray at you in tongues’, but I don’t want to get into that right now. Oh, and my mom kicked me out of the car when I said I didn’t care about her fucking god after she would not shut up.*

Then, sometime in my thirties, I just…didn’t care any longer. Most of my rage had mellowed out and I could see the benefits to Christianity for people. I didn’t want anything to do with it, but I didn’t feel the need to fight everyone about it, either. I still have to remind my mom from time to time that I don’t pray, but I can live with that.

Tag Archives: forget

Fuck forgiveness

WWDTAOL: I don’t forgive or forget