For most of my life, I have been resigned to being ignored. I live in the in-between because I am not one of the two dominant groups in any category. I am Asian–not black or white. I am bi–not gay or straight. More recently, I am areligious–not a believer or an atheist. And, sigh, finally, I am agender, not man nor woman. Oh, and also not cis or trans. By the way, I have never related to cis–even when I reluctantly accepted the label ‘woman’.
I am resigned to the fact that I don’t fit anywhere. I will also say that while I’m a creative person, I don’t live that lifestyle. I don’t drink or do drugs, and Idon’t want to be around people who do. There are times, though, that I just snap (internally) at a situation in which I normally would try to be compassionate. Why? Because I feel as if I’m always asked to be the one with empathy and I don’t get the same courtesy in response. Nobody gives a shit about Asian people, for example. It never comes up when racism is talked about. It’s currently Asian-Pacific Islander month, and no one gives a shit about that.
As a result, I have a slight chip on my shoulder when I hear calls for empathy. Where is my empathy, I ask? I have eaten a lot of shit on identity issues because I don’t want to make waves/others have it worse/I don’t care THAT much. But, the cumulative effect is wearying.
I try to be respectful of other people, and it bothers me when I don’t get that respect in return. Like when gender/pronoun issues are brought up. The current way of thinking is to offer pronouns and encourage others to do the same. Which I’m fine with. It crosses the line for me when it’s required. Some people are questioning and others of us don’t want pronouns. I don’t like any of them. My Taiji teacher asked if I wanted to use a neopronoun. Nope. Don’t like those, either. I don’t want any, which makes things much more difficult. I acknowledge that. The way we speak English is predicated on pronouns. I accept that and am resigned to the fact that people will use some really awkward sentences for me if they need to avoid pronouns. Someone on the Ask A Manager website explained that those of us who identified as agender and did not want to use pronouns knew that people were going to make awkward statements. That was a tradeoff we were willing to take. Which I agree is true.
But, here’s the thing for me. I try to be empathetic most of the time. I think about others and how they might be feeling. I don’t feel I get the same respect in return, so I’m not happy about being asked to do even more. I recognize that’s a me-thing, but at some point, there has to be reciprocity. If someone is asking me to be thoughtful of their identity, then they need to be respcetful of mine as well.
I’m tired of feeling it’s a one-way street. That I have to be endlessly understanding whereas I don’t deserve it in response. I know that’s partly my upbringing and partly my training as an emotional support person, but I do have a breaking point.
I have said for quite some time that you can be both a minority and an asshole. They are not mutually exclusive. And while I respect people’s identities, that does not mean that they are good people. I think there needs to be a line drawn somewhere. I’m not sure where or how, but we have to have a discussion about respecting people’s identities but acknowledging that they can still be assholes.
For example. Caitlin Jenner. I respect that she is a woman. However, she is a shitty woman who wants to deny other women their rights. That’s shitty.
Here’s another thing I’ve learned about people who are minorities–they don’t necessarily have empathy for people who are other minorities. Back when I first found out that there was racism and other isms, I used to naively believe that if someone suffered from one, they would be more empathetic to people suffering from another.
I was so, so, SO very wrong.
I forgot the basic truth–people think of themselves first and foremost. The corollary is that it’s hard for people to a varying degree to truly empathize with other people. It’s not because they are jerks or being malicious–it’s because, and this is very difficult for me to truly grasp, most people simply can’t see out of their own point of view. It’s taken me way too long to realize this truth.
I find it very easy to see things from other people’s point of view–98% of the time. It makes me mad to be asked to look at other points of view because I always am–and I never get it in return. No one cares about me as an Asian, bisexual, agender, aromantic, areligious, unmarried, no-children-having person. Fat, too.
I have thought about just giving up all labels because I don’t like any of them. I often default to a label because it’s the best of the bad options. Take bisexual. I chose it after rejecting the other choices at the time. Pansexual and omnisexual to be more specific. It was not the precise word I wanted, but it was good enough.
That’s the phrase I could use for most of the labels I use–‘good enough’. If I could go without labels without sounding like a pretentious snob, I would do so. I don’t like any of them. I know they are heuristic ways to talk about things that we need in general because it would be unwieldy to be specific about every little thing and every little person. But, we’re moving in that direction. With labels for sexuality, we’re now including asxual, sapiosexual, demisexual, and more. If that’s the case, why can’t I just say sexual and leave it at that? With gender, we have (the dominant ones) man, woman, nonbinary, genderqueer, and genderfluid. And agender, but almost no one takes that one seriously.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s dying twice. I just…don’t have it in me to be endlessly compassionate any longer. I have my limits. I have my boundaries. I’m so tired of being the one who has to give and not get anything in return.
Look. I will see your point of view. I may not like it, but I will see it. I will try to understand who you are and appreciate it (as long as it’s not stomping on the civil rights of anyone else). But you gotta do the same for me. There’s nothing shittier than realizing the person you’re trying to show empathy to does not give two shits about you. We can talk about al lthe isms and how they effect people, but we can’t lose sight of the fact that everyone is a human being. And, just because I agree with you (general you) about something doesn’t mean the person who is in the minority group is automatically right. If that were the case, then I would be right 90% of the time, which I most definitely am not.
At this point in my life, I just don’t want to feel as if I’m being used. Which I tend to do if I don’t rein in my empathy. I’m not giving it out endlessly any longer without getting anything in return.