Ed. Note: I was really sick for the past few weeks, which is why there haven’t been any POOG posts for the past few Fridays. I apologize, but I had temporarily misplaced my funny bone, so any POOG post during that time would have consisted of me whining about my health. Where’s the fun in that, I say? Don’t worry, though! I’m on the mend and have found my sense of humor again.
I’ve been pretty sick lately, and it’s only in the past few days that I’ve felt anything close to human again. I like to joke that I had aliens chewing on my face, but that’s pretty much how it felt. I’m sure you all know just how gross you can feel when you’re sick. There are extraneous effluvia pouring out of various orifices, and it’s a good day when I was able to pass a brush through my hair. You know what else suffered from my sickness? My vag. I didn’t pay it any attention as I lay moaning on the couch, and the only time I cared about it was when I had to pee but didn’t have the energy to wobble to the bathroom.
Now, finally, I’m climbing out of the abyss, and I can give my vag the attention she so properly deserves. I’ve noticed that she’s been looking quite peaked lately, probably due to the recent illness, so I’ve decided for this post to give her a makeover to make her look and feel better! That’s right–I’ve decided to vajazzle. I know it’s an older trend, but I’m going to try to bring it back like Justin Timberlake brought SexyBack! Do the kids even know who Justin Timberlake is these days? For those who don’t know, check it out.
If you don’t know about Vajazzling, a brief primer. Five years ago, Jennifer Love Hewitt revealed (on all sense of the word) on Conan that she had prettied up her pussy with some bling. I don’t know about you, but I consider Jennifer Love Hewitt to be the final arbiter of what we should and shouldn’t do with our pussies, so of course I sat up straight in my chair when I found out this important information.
I mean, what lady hasn’t had an intimate night in which she was about to get busy, and she pulls down her panties, only to have her partner’s face fall in disappointment at her lack of vaginal dressage? This has happened to me more times than I can even count, and I’ve ended up with blue ovaries because my partner couldn’t get past my plain old pussy. Every time it happened, I knew there was something inherently wrong with my non-shaved, non-decorated vag, but I didn’t know what I should do about it. It seemed as if I was destined to spend the rest of my life without any sexytimes because my plumage on my pussy wasn’t flashy enough.
Hahahahahahh, just kidding. Look. I’ve never had someone turn down sex because they were disappointed in what my pubic area looked like. Anyone who made it that far was more than grateful to have the chance to partake in a night of carnal revelry. Still. I’ve been dragging for the past few months, and not just because I’ve been sick. So, I decided in the name of this post, why not try vajazzling? The things I do for POOG; I hope you appreciate it!
Now, I know the basic premise of vajazzling your vajayjay. It has to do with sequins or fake gems being pasted to your pubic area. Your bare pubic area, might I add. The one and only time I shaved my pubic area, I got a rash and bumps because I have extremely sensitive skin. I haven’t shaved anything in decades, but I’m committed to doing this. To that end, I root around in my medicine cabinet and find a rusty razor blade, but no shaving cream. Hey, soap will work just as fine, right? I also manage to find some sequins and a bottle of epoxy. I can tell already that this is going to go swimmingly.
I gather my tools, then sit down to watch some videos on vajazzling. Yes, you can just press a decal on your privates, but that’s the lazy way out! If I’m going to do it, I’m going to go all the way and do it like the professionals do.
Me after watching these videos:
That’s a hell of a lot of work for so little results. Seriously. I’d rather put together a bed from IKEA than put myself through that–and I’ve assembled a bed from IKEA. It wasn’t fun at all, but it’s preferable to this hell. I’m not an artsy-craftsy gal to begin with, and the idea of patiently pressing crystals or sequins into my flesh WITH GLUE for an hour or however long it takes to make that shit adhere to my skin.
In Googling for this post, I discovered that you can get vajazzle ‘tattoos’ that say things like, ‘Cum Inside’, ‘I’m Easy’, ‘Sexy Bitch’, and in all caps, ‘LICK HERE’. I know I’m old and not all up on what the kids like these days, but is that really necessary? It seems too blatant and desperate to me. What I can’t find, however, are any ‘private property’ or ‘no trespassing’ vajazzling tattoos, which is what I’d want to put on my vag, if anything.
In the end, vajazzling isn’t for me. It never was, and I really can’t understand the appeal. It’s something bored suburban chicks* do to feel as if they’re being naughty. It’s the same as a bachelorette party going to a drag show in order to gawp and congratulate themselves on how tolerant they are. Vajazzling is also for other women and not for men at all–as is most of the preening and plumage showing that women do. I can’t imagine many men upon seeing an undecorated pussy think, “I was gonna hit that until I saw how boring it was. It really needs some bling to retain my interest.”
I’m putting away the razor, sequins, and epoxy, and leaving my vag alone in all her non-decorated glory. Like me, you can take her or leave her exactly as she is. We’ll be fine either way!
*I am one. Don’t @ me.