My dudes. Have you been feeling a tad bit neglected with all the vag talk I’ve been doing lately? “Why it always gotta be about the vag? Why no peen love???” I can hear you ask yourselves. Believe me, we at POOG central feel your pain. We would LOVE to write about peen every now and again, but instead, it’s “OMIGOD DON’T PUT ROCKS IN YOUR VAG” all the damn time up in this bitch. Well, this week is your lucky week if you’re looking for something creative and fun* to do with your peen during #sessytimes, and it’s so revolutionary, it’ll blow your head–er, mind.
My fellows. Condoms are the worst, amirite???** I mean, how the hell can you enjoy sex with the equivalent of a sock hanging off your dick? Never mind that you’re actually experiencing peen in puss which is delightful even while encasing your dick in Saran Wrap. I mean, come on! Even mediocre sex is better than no sex most of the time, and I’m willing to bet that most dudes are over the moon just to get their dick wet whenever they can.
However. I can understand that bare is better than there. I feel the same when I’m sexing a dude. I like bareback, but I don’t like the problems that can accompany such reckless behavior. If only there was a product that could make it feel as good as it does bare, but with the protection afforded to you by a condom. If only…But wait! There is one! It’s called Jiftip the Diktip, and my dudes, they have you covered. Literally! It’s an adhesive for your peenhole and how does it work? Like this!
- Put Jiftip on your dickhole.
What the actual fuck???
Look. When I wrote in a post that a guy who invented a product to glue the labia shut whilst menstruating should try the product on his own dickhole, I WAS JOKING.
Double look. I’m not a peen professional except when it comes to what it takes to make one happy. But, it would seem to me that GLUING YOUR PEENHOLE SHUT IS A BAD IDEA. Am I the crazy one here? Yes? No?? Maybe????
They say you’re supposed to rip it off right before you climax, which sort of defeats the purpose, don’t you think? It’s basically the pullout method with a hat on your dick, but only if you want to feel searing pain when you pull off the hat because it’s glued to your fucking head. You still have to pull out, but then you have to rip an adhesive strip off your dick before you come. That sounds like a boner-killer to me, but what do I know?
Dr. Jen Gunter, my go-to on all things vag isn’t an expert in this area, either. However, she knows people who are, so she asked a urologist, Dr. Rajiv Singal, what he thought about it. After clearing out his ears several times to make sure he heard what he thought he heard, he said that it’s probably not a good idea to block the flow of semen.
Again, the product is supposed to be removed before the ejaculation point, but it’s not an exact science. The pullout method can be reliable if a dude is very disciplined, but many oops babies have been born because of faulty timing or aim! I mean, hell, guys can’t even piss in a toilet without making a mess half of the damn time. We’re going to trust that they’re gonna spray their jizz appropriately?
There have been no studies as to the efficacy of this product. In fact, the inventors are pretty candid about the fact that they’re using their clients as guinea pigs. They note that testing is years away and they want ‘brutal feedback’.
I. Cannot. Even.
It’s rare I’m at a loss for words, but my face right now:
Dr. Jen got it right. This is the results of a bunch of dudes sitting around getting stoned or drunk saying, “Duuuuuuuude. Condoms suck!” “Duuuuuuude, right?” “What if you could, like, glue your dickhole shut instead?” “Fucking amazing, maaaaaaan!” while passing around the fattest blunt they could roll.
Here’s the legal disclaimer:
This product is for novelty or entertainment purposes only. THOU SHALT NOT USE FOR PREGNANCY OR STI PREVENTION PURPOSES.
The emphasis is theirs, not mine.
So. Lemme get this straight. They don’t want you to use their product to prevent pregnancy or STIs. This despite the rest of their website extolling how safe you’ll feel while using them. Let me repeat this: They aren’t intended to prevent pregnancy or STIs.
SOMEONE US IT AT ALL
This is a joke, right? This is The Onion undercover to having a laugh at us for being gullible consumers, right? It has to be because otherwise it doesn’t make sense. Some dudes looked at all the shady vag products that women are deluged with on a daily basis and said, “I want some of that sweet sweet genitalia money” and decided to make it rain, bitchez! with an equally stupid product for my dudes’ peters.
Please, god, tell me I’m right because if this is an actual product….
This is not what I mean when I wish for equality between the sexes. I don’t want novelty gag products for the cock (see what I did there? Gag and cock because blowjob oh never mind) as a way to balance the avalanche of really bad vag shit I see. Less is more in this case! Let our pussies and pricks be great, which means not gluing them shut, damn it!
I can’t help wondering, are there really guys who would glue their dickholes shut? Oh, who am I kidding. Some guys will do the dumbest shit with their their one-eyed monsters, so this probably won’t even register on the, ‘Should I do this or nah’ scale for them. If it doesn’t result in an ambulance ride to the ER, it’s worth trying once!
My dudes. Listen. We need to have a heart-to-heart. I know condoms aren’t the funnest thing to bring to sessytimes, but you know what is even less fun? Worrying about blockage, pulling out, and ripping adhesive off your peenhead. I’ve pulled tape off my hand before (don’t ask), and it wasn’t fun. I can’t even begin to imagine how it’d feel ‘down there’. Also, real talk. If I was getting close to bow-chick-wow with my fella and he whispered all sexy-like into my ear, “Hey, baby. How about we forgo the condom and I seal my peenhole instead. I have to stop right before I cum to rip it off, but I promise I won’t get any in you”, well, let’s just say sessytimes would NOT be happening, and there’s no fun in that.
Sometimes, old and tried is better than new and untested, and I think this is one of those times. I know many guys are DIY types, but back away slowly from the glue gun and no one will get hurt. And, who knows? With a condom on your peen instead, you might just get laid.
*By which we mean utterly horrifying and stupid.
**Except for the fact that they prevent STIs and pregnancy, but other than that, what have they done for me lately?!?