Ladies, have you ever been going about your day, perhaps doing Downward-Facing Dog in yoga class and wondering if the pot roast will be ready for dinner by the time you get home, when suddenly, you think, “Is my tampon doing enough for me? Is it going to absorb all the blood that my body is gushing out during my period?” Or perhaps you’re driving to your daughter’s school to pick up little Lizzie from soccer practice, and you’re suddenly afraid your pad is overflowing with blood. Never mind that you’ve been dealing with your period since you were an early teen and could apply the tampon or pad in your sleep–now, it’s all you can do not to be consumed by the very natural bodily process that most women deal with for most of their lives.
Well, fear no longer because a Wichita chiropractor, Daniel Dopps, has got you covered with his newly patented Mensez Feminine Lip-Stick! Lip-stick. Because it’s like a lipstick and because it makes your lips stick. Get it? Isn’t he so clever? Plus, Mensez is a play on menses, and it sounds like men, so this is the labia lipstick strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. From the above link:
Mensez feminine lipstick is a natural patented compound of amino acids and oil in a lipstick applicator that is applied to the labia minora and causes them to cling together in a manner strong enough to retain menstrual fluid in the vestibule above the labia minora where the vaginal opening and urethra exit. The Mensez compound is instantly washed away with urine, which releases the menstrual fluid along with the urine into the toilet every time a woman urinates. No pads or tampons are needed. Safe, secure and clean.
Sounds great, right*? I mean, what woman doesn’t want to glue her vag shut for three days and retain a pool of blood up inside her body? What girl hasn’t dreamed of such a thing?
Of course, the naysayers are having a field day on this man’s Facebook page, asking such gotcha questions as how will the ‘lipstick’ hold up to blood and sweat, but magically disappear when you pee? Or, isn’t there a concern about infection from storing your period blood UP YOUR BODY for hours or days at a time? What was the good doctor’s response to this? Oh, we’ll test it and improve upon it. Wait a goddamn minute. You haven’t even tested it before you got a patent for it? The money shot, as it were, from the article I linked is his quote that “we’re using the vagina like a bladder just like tampons do.”
::blinks rapidly several times::
::opens mouth, shuts it::
::opens it again to let out a primal scream::
THAT. IS. NOT. HOW. ANY. OF. THIS. WORKS.
OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU WOULD THINK A FUCKING DOCTOR WOULD KNOW THIS, BUT MAYBE HE SKIPPED FEMALE ANATOMY.
Say it with me: the vag is not a bladder, nor is it a storage facility for menstrual blood. The vag is not a bladder, nor is it a storage facility for menstrual blood. The vag is not–
I teased about this post on Facebook earlier this week, and I got tons of hilarious suggestions we could use instead of this lipstick. Silicone caulk (get it? My FB friends are brilliant), crotch spackle, a scrunchie, bobby pins, a vise, solder, and my personal favorite, chip clips. I contributed roach clips and Band-Aids. Good times; good times.
You know I said the earlier quote was the money shot? I was wrong. The money shot is this explanation that he wrote on his Facebook page in response to a commenter. Grab a puke bucket because you’re going to need it.
[Y]ou as a woman should have come up with a better solution than diapers and plugs, but you didn’t. Reason being women are focused on and distracted by your period 25% of the time, making them far less productive than they could be. Women tend to be far more creative than men, but their periods that [sic] stifle them and play with their heads.
Got that? We women ‘should have’ come up with better solutions to menstruation despite the fact that there are plenty of viable options, but we didn’t because we’re focused on and distracted by our periods when we have them.
I’m laughing in that ‘I can’t believe this guy made it to adulthood’ kind of way. “Oh, those silly little wimminz can’t function because BLOOD.”** I’m really glad we have a manly man like Daniel Dopps to guide us through the minefield that is menstruation! Spoken like someone who has never had to dealt with periods or has any women in his life who can sit him down and say, “Do you hear how ignorant you sound right now? You might want to use your inside voice from now on. Or better yet, use your feminine lipstick on your own lips and see how that works out for you.”
But maybe I’m being too hard on poor beleaguered Daniel Dopps who says he’s only getting hate messages about this, particluarly from lesbians, because “I’m a white straight man.” When asked how he deciphered it was particularly lesbians who were mad at him when people across the board have given him holy hell for his astoundingly ignorant idea, he said his receptionist was a lesbian.
::shakes head to clear the confusion::
::stares blankly at screen, speechless for once::
Guys. Maybe I’m the one with the closed mind, and he’s the shining light in the world of menstruation. Maybe I should trust my vag to someone who thinks I’m a total baby when I have my period which I have every fucking month*** of my life and have managed without his help for thirty-four years. Maybe I should embrace gluing my labia together for several hours at a time, much like a mini-corset for my vag. Yes, I should stop using pads, a product that has been safe and easy for me, and pick up the feminine lipstick which will make my labia lips the talk of the town!
I can feel the spirit hand of Dr. Jen Gunter raise up and slap me across the face a la Cher in Moonstruck:
She drops a link to her post on the subject on my computer before wafting back into the ethers. I nod my head in thanks to her before clicking on her link. My favorite Gwyneth Paltrow whisperer tackles the labia lipstick with her usual bluntness, and it snaps me back to reality. She had me at ‘abrasions of the labia minor’, and the fog has cleared from my brain.
I’m with Dr. Gunter. Let this guy use this product on himself before advocating it to us silly women. Except, I suggest he use it on his dickhole so he can prove whether or not the urine thing actually works. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and if he’s not willing to use it himself, why the hell should I or any other woman?
*No, it really fucking doesn’t.
**I would like to note there are women who have to deal with crazy bad periods, but that’s not what this product is trying to address.
***More or less. I used to only have it three or four times a year. Those were the days.