Underneath my yellow skin

POOG: 10 Things You Need to Know

So, apparently Gwyneth and the gang at goop have had enough, enough! I say, with people making fun of them and their asinine ‘health’ practice. They’re so angry, they’ve written a sternly-worded post about it in which they push back at their haters. It’s pretty bog standard about how these mean people don’t understand them and how they’re trying to uplift women, blah, blah, blah. They take a particularly pointed swipe at Dr. Jen Gunter. Grudging Midwestern respect to how they did it so passive-aggressively perfectly without ever mentioning her (until the doctor letters, anyway).

In fact, Gwyneth herself tweeted it out with the quote, “When they go low, we go high.”

::big pause::

Gurl. GURL. You are not allowed to twist Michelle Obama’s word to suit your inane purposes. How dare you, madame?!?

Gwyneth thinks she’s Taylor Swift in Bad Blood:

“Come at me, bro!” This is her A-game, I suppose, but as you can guess, Dr. Gunter hit back, and they’re still  mopping the blood from the streets. Dr. Gunter was like:

I’m not going to defend Dr. Gunter because she does it commendably herself. I will say, however, that the reason goop went after her specifically and not the cadre of others who have poked fun at goop is because she’s an actual doctor. When you’re selling pseudoscience, go after the actual scientist. She’s also probably right in the fact that they went after the chick with the blog, rather than the man with the national TV show (Stephen Colbert) or the corporations that have mocked them because they thought she’d be a soft target. They were so wrong. I will admit to being like this while reading Dr. Gunter’s post:

via GIPHY

Her takedown of Dr. Gundry’s condescending letter is particularly delicious, and the shade, oh, the shade.

However. As someone who regularly drums the goop beat, I am afraid they might be after me next. I’m not doing it for attention or money, either, though I wouldn’t mind either or both raining down on me. Please don’t come after me, Gwyneth. I don’t think I could bear it! I doubt she will ever see my little blog, but there may be others who are confused as to what I’m trying to do with my POOG posts. As such, I’d like to clarify what POOG is and what it isn’t just so there’s no misunderstanding. Grab your own bag of popcorn and let’s get ready to rumble!

POOG is more than just the anti-goop! Yes, I started POOG out of a rage at all the bullshit goop was peddling, but we* aren’t prejudiced against goop. We’re equal opportunity ignorance-slayers, and we’ll go after anyone who’s peddling snake oil to women. I say women specifically because there is very little aimed at ‘improving’ the male genitalia in the same way, which is telling, I think. I’d be more than happy to tackle someone promoting, say, injecting pineapple juice in the tip of your dick in order to make your semen more appealing to your lover giving you a blow job, but I have yet to see products like this. Please note, this is not a challenge to the purveyors of pussy products to expand your wares; I have enough to handle with all the jade egg bullshit out there, thank you very much.

POOG is pro-pussy! We love the vag. We think it’s pretty damn near perfect just as it is. It doesn’t need to be gussied up or decorated or steamed in order to be acceptable. Any time we see a hoo-hha, we’re pretty excited to have that opportunity. Not once have we been presented with one and we’ve thought, “I would have hit that if only it had glitter all up in it. As it is, I’ll pass.” Accept your vag as it is! Love it. Love it hard. Love it often. It’ll love you back in return. Wash it with soap and water to keep it clean, and do your Kegels to keep it in shape, then call it a day. The vag is like Stuart Smalley: “I’m good enough! I’m smart enough! And doggone it, people like me!”

POOG is pro-knowledge! Although we’re all sassy in our pants, spewing sarcasm like it’s going out of style, we’re really a big nerd at heart. We are excited when we learn something new, and we’re ‘well actuallying’ people all day long in our head. We get turned on by a big brain and an even bigger dic-tionary. We want to know if what we believe is not  correct, and we’ll admit when we’re wrong–albeit with plenty of swearing.

In the goop editorial, they claim that they are empowering women by allowing them to decide for themselves what information is valuable and what isn’t. It’s another slam at their critics, implying that those of us who scoff at goop are totalitarian assholes who want to tell the wimminz what to do whereas they only have their readers’ best interest at heart–hey, look in our shop where you can buy all the things we are extolling for a shit-ton of money! That’s just a coincidence, right?

True empowerment is not predicated on fear and half-truths being presented as facts. True empowerment is not being told that anyone other than whomever is talking to you does not have your best interest at heart, that only the person you’re listening to right now wants what’s best for you. That’s the basis of a cult or being a sports fan, and that’s what goop reminds me of. BOW DOWN TO OUR GOOPINESS OR BE BANISHED FOREVER!

POOG is pro-science! We are not a doctor, nor do we play one on TV. We are pretty excited about the next Doctor Who being a woman, though, and we may actually start watching again, especially with Steven Moffat gone as well. We love the improvements science has made on our lives, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

We also know science is a long process of ups and downs. It’s not one and done, and there will always be new discoveries that contradict what we currently know. That’s how it’s easy for goop and others to sell their shit–they exploit women’s natural fears by amplifying what they see are the flaws of science. It’s the same thing climate change deniers do. What they don’t say, however, is that much of the new discoveries scientists make are tweaks of what we already know and not always a hard counter to what already is known.

Also, Americans don’t really have a good grasp on the idea of risk and percentages and whatnot. Dr. Gunter does a good job of explaining this in her post above, but to take a fictitious example, a headline may blare that something causes twice the normal risk of cancer than if it’s not there. That sounds really alarming, but if the original risk is .02%, well, then we can see it’s not that big a deal at all.

If you are claiming a product can do this, that, or the other thing, it’s on you to prove that it’s true, not on your detractors to prove it’s not. That’s how science works, bitchez! With countless trials trying to replicate the original result. It’s not just saying, “Crystals can harmonize the dissonant energies within a body if you snort crystal dust three times a day” and leave it at that.

Part of the problem is that our science reporters are pretty shit at it, and it’s not easy to understand the source material. That’s why I rely on experts such as Dr. Gunter, but I also try to read the source material to the best of my ability. We also love Bill Nye the Science Guy, and this is part of the reason why.

POOG is pro-Eastern medicine! This might surprise you, but we here at POOG are not against all non-Western meds. We find value in much of TCM,** including acupuncture, acupressure, and dit da jow among other things, some natural remedies for stress and such, but what we are not for is invoking they mysterious Orient as a way to sell any dubious product.  There still needs to be evidence supporting the claims, otherwise, yeah, we’ll push back hard at it.

via GIPHY

POOG is pro-profanity! One of Dr. Gundry’s admonishments to Dr. Gunter was that she dropped the ‘f-bomb’ as he called it. What is he? Fucking twelve? Anyway, as she pointed out, he appears not to know that Gwyneth herself said fuck when she went after her haters, but that is neither here nor there. Recent studies have found that people who swear are more honest in general and have a bigger vocabulary (in general), and swearing relieves pain. Plus, sometimes, nothing but a good fuck will do. Wait.

We are more offended by someone trying to sell bullshit products than by someone saying fuck!

POOG is pro-humor! Look, it can be rage-inducing to research all the ways women are being told they’re not good enough in order to sell useless products. There are many days when we walk around with a gloom cloud over our heads, scowling at everything in our path. Little children run screaming from us, and it makes us meanly glad.

So, for our own sanity, we crack the wise when otherwise we might start screaming, “SHIT GODDAMN FUCKING FUCK YOU ASSHOLE COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER CUNT FUCKITY FUCK FUCK” at the top of our lungs while in the middle of our local Cubs. While this would probably make us feel better, it would also probably get us permanently banned from our local Cubs, which would be a problem.

So we channel that rage into all the caustic snark aimed at the proprietors of said useless products because we figure that’s safer for everyone. We also think that the best way to counter ignorance is through humor, which is what we intend to do. As we stated before, we are not doctors. We’re not scientists. We’re not hear to disseminate the hard data. Again, we’ll leave that to Dr. Gunter. We’re here to provide laughs and perhaps gasps as we dismantle the bullshit. She’s dropping the knowledge; we’re dropping the f (funny) -bombs.

So, yeah. goop will never know we exist, but if they do happen to stumble upon us and want to rumble, we’re more than ready.

talk about your bad blood.
BRING IT, GWYNETH!

 

 

*The royal ‘we’.

**I am Asian, after all.

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