Underneath my yellow skin

It’s the Little Things

It’s late Saturday night/early Sunday morning, and I’m loving this social media-free Saturday thing. I had a bit of a conundrum, though, because a friend of mine was going to be attending a difficult event, and I remembered a few hours ago that I told her to tweet through it. I checked my mentions, and she had tweeted me (and a mutual friend). I wanted to be supportive, so I checked her tweets and answered one of them. I didn’t look at my other mentions or my TL, and I feel like that’s a good compromise.

I also realized that the air conditioner had been running for the past few hours. I checked, and my thermometer said it was 79. That wasn’t right because I had bumped the set point to 76, which means the temperature should have been less than that. I felt the air coming out of the vent, and it was cool, but not cold. Damn it. The air conditioner had shut off. I didn’t want to go out, but I was sweating bullets. I hate the heat as I’ve mentioned several times before, and I knew it would only take one push of a button to reset the air conditioner.

“It’s dark out, and I don’t want to,” I said to myself grumpily. I also didn’t want to sweat bullets all night long, either, and if I didn’t do it, no one else would. I grabbed my phone to set my flashlight, then went to the side of the house. There were bugs everywhere, and I tried not to think about the new bites I’d be accruing. I’m covered in bites, which is another reason I fucking hate summer. I pushed the button and went back in, and then I waited to see what would happen.

I know it’s a little thing, but it felt like a mountain to climb before I made myself do it. I’ve been in a funk lately, and I’m struggling to get out of it. I’ve written before about the difference between internal depression and external depression, and this is definitely external. I acknowledge that I have no reason to be depressed, and I don’t know what’s causing it, but it’s still there. I don’t want to kill myself, but I do have intrusive thoughts such as, “No one cares about me”, “What is the point of life?”, and, “I’m tired of being alive.”

Everything takes extra effort. I went to taiji class last night at the other studio for the first time in months, and I almost talked myself out of going. I’ve realized that I hate driving at night now, ever since my accident, even more than I did before. Let me rephrase: I hate driving on the freeway at night. Even if it’s not dark, I just get tense in a way that I don’t while driving during the day. It doesn’t help that there’s no air at the other studio, which is not fun, believe you me.

My stomach is hurting, and I think it’s the honey dew melon this time. I’m discouraged because after I gave up gluten and dairy, my digestive problems cleared right up.


Well, the air conditioner turned off again. Dunno why. I really hope this isn’t going to be a mechanical problem. Great. It’s happened a few more times. I’m not sure it even went on. I mean, it made noise and chugged for a minute, but the air it expels is cool, but not cold. I know it’s a first world problem, but no AC is really difficult for me. I start losing my mind when it’s hotter than sixty degrees, and it’s 78 in the house right now.

Anyway. I started reintroducing fruit and vegetables back into my diet, and I’ve been having gastronomic problems ever since. I’ve been sciencing, and I’ve made a list of all the things I think so far are causing me problems. Cherries, grapes, carrots, melon (except watermelon), plums, and perhaps spinach. Those which have not been a problem are apples, oranges, and berries. Let me say that this is raw fruits and vegetables–I don’t have any problems with cooked veggies.

It’s discouraging because I’m trying to be healthier by adding fruits and veggies back to my diet, and my body is not happy with me. Fruits and veggies are supposed to be good for you, damn it! They’re not supposed to be causing problems.

I’m sore. I overdid it in class last night and today. I know it’s because I feel better physically than I have in quite some time, and it’s also because I’m expanding my sword practice. I love it, but it’s still weight-bearing exercise. The mind is eager, but the body needs a bit more care.

The AC still isn’t working, but it’s cooler today. I’m going to ask my brother to take a look at it to see if he can fix it. It’s pretty old, so we might have trouble finding replacement parts.

Shadow, my cat, is being an asshole in the mornings/afternoons when I’m still in bed (on the couch), and he thinks I should be up and feeding him. He meows a pathetic little meow, and then I feel his cold, wet nose on whatever bare flesh is available to him. Then, nip, nip, nip. This started when I put him and his departed (and sorely missed) brother, Raven, on a diet. Not even a diet, really, but I started cutting back on the treats I gave them. They had (and Shadow still has) dry food available to them at all times, but that’s not as good as wet food, obviously. It’s really fucking annoying because my sleep is shit to begin with, and he’s really not helping. I don’t want to sleep with a blanket when it’s so hot out, but I have to in order to cover my flesh so Shadow won’t bite/gum me to death.

I’m not a Linkin Park fan, but I do like some of their songs unironically, and it was sad to read that the lead singer had killed himself. It doesn’t impact me nearly as much as Chris Cornell’s suicide, but still. It’s a stark reminder that fame and fortune don’t mean shit to depression. Depression is a bitch, and it’s an equal opportunity killer.

I’ve lived with it all my life. I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. I’ve written before how it’s much less in general now than it has been before, but in the past few months, it’s gotten worse. Not all the time, but I’ll have flashes of intense hopelessness that lasts anywhere from a few minutes to days. I always have a low-grade depression, but the bursts are hard to handle. Knowing my depression is unreasonable makes it worse, and I almost preferred being depressed and thinking it was just the way I am.

Sigh.

 

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