Back in the Stone Ages, I waded into the world of online dating. This was before CupidOK became huge, and waaaaay before Bumble. I was and am a cheap gal, so I only used the freebies such as Craigslist and Plenty of Fish. I waded through a lot of responses (see what I did there? Waded? Fish? Never mind), and the results were very much a mixed bag. I mostly posted in Casual Encounters because I was just looking for Netflix and chill at the time, but I did post in the dating section from time to time as well.
Do you know what I remember the most? Dick pics. Lots and lots of dick picks. Even when I specifically said not to send them. By the way, that’s the other thing I remember about that time–dudes don’t read the ads themselves. My ad specifically said that I did not want dick pics or Asian fetishists, and the vast majority of my replies started with, “I looooooove Oriental girls!” I never included a picture in my ads, so it wasn’t even my specific look, but just ‘Oriental girls’ in general. Let me tell you, there is nothing that warms a gal’s heart more than knowing she’s interchangeable with literally millions of other women.
I vividly remember one guy proudly writing that he was a member of the 8-inch club. What’s worse, he included a picture of him having sex with a woman, but don’t worry! He black-barred her eyes, so it made it totally ok. Now, maybe she was fine with him bandying about a picture of her getting fucked, but I highly doubted she even knew. In addition, OW NO! I don’t know why guys are so hung up (pun not intended, but snickered at, anyway) on size. Most women who enjoy copulating with men aren’t size queens, and I think, just as women dress up for other women, men are stuck on dick size because of other men. Someone pointed out years later when I relayed the story that sending a pic of him having sex defeated the purpose of his boast, anyway. Which, true, but also did not need to think about. Thirdly, it’s so easy to lie about dick size. Who’s going to pull out a ruler and measure?
I was looking for women concurrently, but I only ran into women who were in couples and ‘allowed’ to play with a third. I’m not against that situation, but it felt gross to me reading ad after ad from women who made sure to mention their husband/boyfriend and how he was fine with them playing around, but only if they (boyfriend/husband) was present. Again, I’m not against a threesome as I’ve done them in my past, but it just grossed me out that the ‘bi’ part of these women felt so performative or at the behest of someone else.
I found online dating to be mostly a loss for me. I tend towards inertia in general, and communicating with someone online–I could do that indefinitely. Going out and actually meeting them? Not so much. I only had one instance of an in-person meeting working out well, and that was only for a few months, anyway before I got dumped because of my opinion on Pulp Fiction. Yes, for real, and, no, I’m not going to talk about it because it’s not the point of the post. Yes, I know, that hasn’t stopped me before, but moving right along.
I am attracted to all the wrong people. Gay men, straight women, and anyone who just isn’t into me. It took me decades to realize that it’s because I’m ambivalent about romantic relationships myself, so it’s easier to be in love with the idea of being in love than actually loving someone. I’ve done some work on that, but while I want to have sex again sometime soon, actual relationship? Yeah, no.
Anyway. This is not a post on dating, though I can see how you might think it is given that I’ve written nearly 700 words on it. No, it’s about video games and how the way I go about dating is similar to how I play video games. I’d say it’s similar to how I consume popular media in general, but let’s focus on video games.
One, I can lose quite a bit of time just looking at games on Steam. This is similar to me browsing personals–I can read several without feeling at all compelled to answer any of them. With Steam, I’ll do several Discovery Queues without any intention of buying anything. I’ll hit the Ignore button as much as possible, once in a while the Follow button, and more rarely, the Wishlist button.
Two, I buy all these games and just put them in my library. I have several hundred games I’ve never played. This is like writing to people online indefinitely with no intention of meeting them in person. I have all these games that I should be playing or at least try out, but I know I never will. The problem is all the damn sales on Steam. I’ll pick something up for a buck or two, stick it in my library, then promptly forget about it. I have all these games sitting there, mocking me, and there’s a reason it’s called a Pile of Shame.
Now, let’s talk about the games I actually play. Like many things in my life, I can’t tell you exactly what I like or want, but I can certainly tell you what I dislike or don’t want. That’s the same as with dating. In both cases, there are a few things I know I want. With romance, it’s lots of sex, lots of space (but not at the same time), and someone who is intelligent and passionate about something. With video games, it’s, well, it depends on what kind of game I’m playing. If it’s combat-focused, then it has to be meaningful combat, gorgeously-designed levels, and a meaningful progression in skills. In other words, Souls.
Side Note: Is my love for Souls games because of my affinity for the aforementioned traits, or is it the other way around? What I mean is that Dark Souls is a formative game in my relatively-short gaming career, and I went from hating it to loving it (and the sequels). It’s my gold standard for video games, which means I compare every other game to it. In that way, it’s like the one who got away. Every partner afterwards is measured against TOWGA) and falls short.
I will say in gaming, if I’m not playing a third person action-adventure, in other words, a game that isn’t trying to be Dark Souls, I can play it on its own merits. I mean, I’m not playing a rogue-lite like Binding of Isaac wishing it were more like Dark Souls, am I? Or a narrative-driven game such as Night in the Woods. Or a murder mystery adventure game, hello, The Sexy Brutale. But, if I’m playing a third person action adventure game, yeah, then it better be Souls.
Side Note to the Side Note: I’ve moved towards saying FromSoft games rather than Soulsborne with the addition of Sekiro, but in this case, I specifically mean the Souls games. The five FromSoft games I’ve played are all miles above other games of their ilk, but that doesn’t mean they’re all the same to me. It’s strange because I think Sekiro is brilliant and quite possibly objectively the best game of the bunch. My experience with the last boss was transcendental and something I have not experienced in any of the games. However, it’s not my favorite game, and it’s not the game I’ll be replaying the most. Bloodborne, the consensus best of the bunch (at least before Sekiro) is my least favorite of the five, not in a small part because it’s only on the PS4. Dark Souls is the most original of the Souls trilogy, and Dark Souls II is a damn good romp, but Dark Souls III is the most replayable for me.
Let’s talk a little more about FromSoft games since they neatly illustrate my conundrum with video games and how it relates to my issues with dating. The FromSoft games were not made with me in mind–an old person with bad reflexes and spatial issues. I spend the second half of every game growing increasingly frustrated, weary, and, well, hating the game. Then, I beat the game, and it’s instantly, “Best game ever!” as if I hadn’t gone through all that agony. Except with the first game. I put it away once I was done with it and thought I would never touch a FromSoft game again. Oh, how young and naive I was then.
It takes me twice as long to beat a FromSoft game as it does most people. I’ve written this before, but a games journalist/Dark Souls aficionado once stated with great confidence, “It wouldn’t take anyone over 100 hours to beat Dark Souls for the first time.” Once again, I wish I had that kind of confidence, but I am not a cis het white man. Anyway, it took me 145 hours to beat Dark Souls for the first time, including the DLC. Someone in the RKG Facebook group posted that it took him 150 hours (or something like that) to beat DS for the first time, and I was like, “MY PEOPLE!”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve questioned whether I had what it took to beat the games. I actually quit the first game for many months once, and I wonder how my gaming life would have changed if I had never returned to it. Because of my difficulty with the games, I understand why people get turned off or don’t want to play them. They are most emphatically not for everyone, and I don’t think they’re for me, either. I’m just too damn stubborn to admit it.
I tend to be that way in relationships, too. I stick them out to the bitter end, even though it would have been better to give up much earlier. It’s not as harmful in video games, obviously, but it can make for a lot of rage and frustration. For example, Sekiro. I have uninstalled it, but it’s still niggling at me that I haven’t at least gotten the ‘bad’ ending–which I could do without having to face the three bullshit bosses at the end of the ‘good’ ending. I know I’ve finished the game and gotten an ending, but I still put myself down for not REALLY finishing the game. I’m holding myself to standard that isn’t reasonable or rational. It doesn’t help to be part of a group (FromSoft fans in general) that really promotes that kind of thinking. I’m done with Sekiro! I can let go and move on! Only, I can’t.
Sekiro pushed at my limits ruthlessly and almost broke my will with a few of the bosses, especially the last one and the hard skill check boss roughly halfway through. I’m worried that the next FromSoft game, Elden Ring, will be way above my paygrade, but that I’ll browbeat myself into finishing it or hate myself because I can’t. For whatever reason, I get weird about FromSoft games and can’t treat them as I would other games.
This is getting long, so I’ll end it here and pick it up again in another post.