Ladies. We need to talk. Are you like me in that you’ve tried all the vag tricks out there, and you’re bored out of your mind? You’ve done the jade eggs, the dry ice treatment, the wasp balls, and you’ve vajazzled the hell out of your pubic area because it don’t mean a thing if your vag ain’t got that bling! Who doesn’t love running around looking as if Tinkerbell farted all over your pubic bone?
But, let’s face it, ladies. You can only paint a unicorn on your vag so many times before it gets boring. You need to ramp up the excitement! Why only use glitter to decorate the outside of your vag when you can use it inside as well??? You read it right. The newest trend in glitter and pussies is glitter bombing your own vag!
Woo-hoo! It’s a disco party up in there, and no one can even see it! Party over here, party over there, it’s a party of one, perhaps two, unless you’re into crowds, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I saw this on my FB friend, Mia Raven’s page, and I thought it was a joke at first. I mean, what’s the point of putting glitter inside you? No one’s going to see it, and if you’re doing it for sexy times, it just makes things extra-messy.
Also, is it something you tell your lover ahead of time? I mean, do you casually drop it in conversation during dinner? Or do you just do it and let your lover be surprised when s/he parts your lower lips and gets an eyeful of color?
I’m not linking to the product, but the disclaimer says don’t listen to your gyno because they’re no fun stick-in-the-muds who just want to harsh your high. “Gynecologists don’t want you sticking anything in your vagina*, but they’re not the boss of you! YOLO!!!!!” The company is weirdly aggressive against gynos, which makes sense given their product. Here is the last line from their disclaimer, and it’s an actual quote:
If you’ve ever had vaginal issues you had them before you used Passion Dust anyway. If you’ve ever had a yeast infection I’m sure it wasn’t caused by glitter, it just happens sometimes [Oh, the joys of being a girl!].
Italics by me. No one knows why you might get a yeast infection. It’s like tides, man. Tide goes in. Tide goes out. You can’t explain that. I think this woman (and I’m thinking it’s a one-woman company) has mixed up wishful thinking with an actual disclaimer because simply stating something doesn’t instantly make it true.
Let’s ask an actual gynecologist what she thinks of this new trend. You won’t be surprised to learn it’s Dr. Jen Gunter, who’s working overtime these days telling you to not mess with your vag’s delicate flora. I’ll leave the details to her, but suffice to say, shoving an irritant up your pussy, no matter the claim that it’s safe to eat, is not a good idea.
In addition, while the company claims that the glitter is safe, both for your vag and for your lover’s digestive tract (by saying there’s WAY more harmful glitter for your eyes and lips. Very reassuring, by the way. “Ricin isn’t as deadly as is sarin!” What I’m saying is the comparison is meaningless if your end goal is zero harm to your body), but that the latter has to be careful if s/he has asthma because eating the glitter could trigger an attack. That doesn’t sound so safe to me, but what do I know?
The glitter is supposedly sweet, and the text explains it thusly:
The product is sweet like candy but not overly sweet, just enough to make your lover fell that your Yara [water-lady or little butterfly] is what all vaginas are supposed to look, feel and taste like; soft, sweet, and magical!
I…WHAT? Was this written by a twelve-year old? Soft, sweet, and magical? My pussy is not a My Little Pony for fuck’s sake, and I don’t want it tasting like bubble gum. I might have mentioned a time or a million how much I hate people using spiritual woo-hoo to sell hoo-ha products, but it’s like fingernails on the chalkboard for me.
I’m also aggrieved at her lack of respect for proper punctuation, but that’s just the copy editor in me.
More to the point, is this really what you’re looking for when you go down on your ladyfriend? You’re having sexy times, and you ease your way down her body. You’re about to orally pleasure her, and you taste–candy! I mean, hey, maybe it’s a pleasant surprise, but I’m not a woman who likes to mix food and sex, and I prefer my lover to taste like a person, not foodstuff. Also, I don’t want to eat glitter! I don’t care how ‘safe’ it’s supposed to be. I can’t even eat kiwi for fuck’s sake because it tears up my tongue. How the fuck am I going to tongue glitter and not get cuts on my tongue? I don’t need to taste the rainbow while I’m sexing, y’all! If I did, I could just shove Starbursts up my vag and let my lover eat those out of me instead. Starbursts? No, it’s Skittles! Which is better because they’re smaller. I can put more of the rainbow in me that way, if i were so inclined, which I’m not, thank you very much.
“Minna,” I hear you saying. “What does Auntie Cherry Blossom think of this?”
We already know, don’t we? She’s tired of me putting things up my vag (it’s not me, Auntie! I keep telling you I’m not the one doing this!), and she thinks Americans are crazy to begin with. This certainly isn’t going to change her mind, is it? What? You want to
see me embarrass myself by asking her about it? hear it from her yourselves? Goddamn it. OK, fine. Let me just run to Starbucks so I can get her a goddamn Venti Green Tea Crème Frappuccino Blended Coffee and McDonald’s for a Big Mac and large fries. If I load her up on goodies, perhaps she won’t be as pissed at me for bothering her about vag stuff again.
Once I’m home, I set up my crystal ball, light the jasmine incense, then put on P!nk’s Glitter in the Air video on loop while waiting for Auntie Cherry Blossom because I think it’s apropos.
My translator app is ready. The food is ready. Now, all I have to do is wait.
It’s only fifteen minutes this time before she deigns to show up. She’s dressed in a a robe and bunny slippers, is yawning and wiping the sleep from her eyes. She stares at the P!nk video as P!nk dangles from the ceiling, and she waits for the entire video to finish before speaking.
Auntie Cherry Blossom: I’m glad she didn’t fall on her head. What did you bring me this time?
I silently hand the goodies over to her, and her eyes light up as she gobbles down everything. I avert my eyes as I marvel at how a ninety-five pound woman can put away so much junk. She washes down each bite with a sip of her Frappuccino, and it’s several minutes before she speaks.
Auntie Cherry Blossom: No.
Me: I haven’t said anything yet!
Auntie Cherry Blossom: It’s the glitter in the vagina thing, isn’t it? Every since you first contacted me, I see vaginas everywhere. One hundred and thirty-five years I’ve gone without once thinking about putting things in a vagina. Now, it’s all I see. It’s your fault!
She glares at me, and predictably, I wilt.
Me: Sorry, Auntie Cherry Blossom. I–
Auntie Cherry Blossom: What happened to good old Ben-Wa balls? That’s all we needed in my day. Your uncle–
Me (frantically): TMI, Auntie Cherry Blossom!
Auntie Cherry Blossom: You young gals have too much time on your hands these days if you’re coming up with ideas like this. That’s all I’m saying.
She shoves a few more fries in her mouth, washing them down with more Frappuccino. I’m thinking about what she said about her and my uncle, which is the last thing I need to think about, quite frankly. Vaginal glitter pills are starting to look good right about now, which should tell you how little I want to think about the sex life of my auntie and uncle.
Auntie Cherry Blossom: I gotta go. Mahjongg with the girls in ten. We still on for NYC in January? I can’t wait to see Hamilton!
Me: Of course!
*frantically tries to figure out how to get two Hamilton tickets for January without breaking the bank*
Auntie Cherry Blossom (singing): And when I meet Thomas Jefferson, I’m a compel him to put women in the sequel!
Me: WORK! *snaps fingers*
She’s gone in a poof of smoke. I thank the ancestors for their time before carefully putting out the incense sticks. I didn’t really need Auntie Cherry Blossom to tell me shoving glitter up your vag is a terrible idea, but it’s nice to have the validation.
Look, we all get bored in the bedroom from time to time. We all want to spice up the sexy times, and there are plenty ways of doing that without the threat of irritating your labia and other important lady bits looming over your head. Subscribe to my newsletter for the top ten ways to safely spice up your sex life! Shoving glitter up your vag may end in an infection or irritation of your lady parts, and there ain’t nothing soft, sweet, or magical about that.
TL;DR: DON’T GLITTER BOMB YOUR VAG! GLITTER BOMB WISELY, Y’ALL!
*With good reason.