Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: Auntie Cherry Blossom

The Best Part of Waking Up Is NOT Folgers In My Ass

Ed. Note: Astute  POOG readers will realize that I haven’t tackled goop nonsense in quite some time. The reason is twofold. One is because I watched an interview with Gwyneth Paltrow (the things I do for POOG!), and she talked about how watching her father waste away from cancer started her on the path to all this woo-hoo business. It made me feel sympathetic for her (more like sorry), which makes it difficult to satirize her nonsense. The second is because of the Harvey Weinstein bullshit and the fact that she was one of his victim’s. You can probably imagine how I feel about that, so I laid off Gwyneth. However, three members of the POOG Patrol have sent me articles about the same issue through three different mediums (Julie in email, Kel on Facebook, and @infinitewords14 on Twitter), and once I read it, I knew I had to answer the bat (shit crazy) signal, so here we go! 

We’re a country who loves our coffee. Many of us couldn’t imagine getting through the day without a cup of joe or three. Starbucks is practically a national institution, and we worship at the altar of Caramel Cocoa Cluster Frappuccino Blended Coffee. Grande, Venti, or Trenta, it doesn’t matter. We just want to mainline it as quickly and painlessly as we can. We need that boost to get through the day, and what better way to ingest the coffee than to literally shove it up your ass as an enema?

You read that right. I can see your double-take in horror, much the same as mine when I read the article after Julie first sent it to me. Surely, it had to be The Onion. This had to be satire! I’d heard of coffee enemas before, but I’d always pooh-poohed them because who would be silly enough to squirt boiling hot coffee up their assholes? Sadly, in researching for this post, I learned that there are many people who earnestly believe that this is the ideal way to remove the toxins* from the body. It’s a very complicated formula, so follow along very carefully if you will.

  1. Inject a coffee enema
  2. ???
  3. PROFIT!!!

I hope you were able to follow along with my very scientific explanation, but in case not, here is a graph in which the X Axis is coffee squirted up your ass and the Y Axis is the time it takes for the coffee to kick into effect.

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Sticking Glitter Where the Sun Don’t Shine

Ladies.  We need to talk. Are you like me in that you’ve tried all the vag tricks out there, and you’re bored out of your mind? You’ve done the jade eggs, the dry ice treatment, the wasp balls, and you’ve vajazzled the hell out of your pubic area because it don’t mean a thing if your vag ain’t got that bling! Who doesn’t love running around looking as if Tinkerbell farted all over your pubic bone?

via GIPHY

But, let’s face it, ladies. You can only paint a unicorn on your vag so many times before it gets boring. You need to ramp up the excitement! Why only use glitter to decorate the outside of your vag when you can use it inside as well??? You read it right. The newest trend in glitter and pussies is glitter bombing your own vag!

Woo-hoo! It’s a disco party up in there, and no one can even see it! Party over here, party over there, it’s a party of one, perhaps two, unless you’re into crowds, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

via GIPHY

I saw this on my FB friend, Mia Raven’s page, and I thought it was a joke at first. I mean, what’s the point of putting glitter inside you? No one’s going to see it, and if you’re doing it for sexy times, it just makes things extra-messy.

Also, is it something you tell your lover ahead of time? I mean, do you casually drop it in conversation during dinner? Or do you just do it and let your lover be surprised when s/he parts your lower lips and gets an eyeful of color? Continue Reading