So, in the Discord channel I’ve been talking about in the past few days (because it’s a place I can go and talk about a variety of tihngs I normally wouldn’t), there’s someone who works in a bar/restaurant in LA. He mentioned that he got to meet Mike Ness, the lead singer of Social Distortion when he (Mike Ness walked into his (the person in the Discord) place of employment. The latter, let’s call him Bob, got to talk to Mike Ness and said that while he (Bob) wasn’t the type to ferak out over celebs, he was pretty stoked to meet Mike Ness.
I chimed in and said I loved Social D, even though I had only heard of them for the first time a few years ago. I did not say this in the Discord, but Mike Ness could still get it. I said that the only person I would get a bit giddy meeting would have been Alan Rickman (yes, still). Other than him, though, I didn’t think I would be at all freaked out.
My brother and I talked about if we ever met Obama, how we would act. I respect him a lot*, and I would enjoy speaknig with him about weighty issues and topics, but I would not be starstruck. There is no one alive I can think of who would make me squeal or freak out. And it’s not because I’m better than other people or anything like that, but it’s because…well, for a few reasons.
One, I believe that everyone is equal in terms of hierarchy when it comes to worth as a human being. I know that’s an incredibly awkward way to phrase that, but it says what I mean the best. I mean that everyone is worthy of a base degree of civility just for being a human being.** I can appreciate someone who shines in their area of expertise/popularity/fame, but I don’t think of them as better than me as a person.
I think this is partly beacuse of my neurodivergence. Not that my way of thinking about hierarchy is necessarily tied to neurodivergence, but that the way I think might be. Or rather, the latter might be influencing the former. It’s true that neurodivergent people don’t necessarily see social constructs in the same way as do ‘normies’.
I mean, that’s kind of our thing–being socially awkward, I mean.*** It’s only with several decades of intense training (by carefully scrutinizing other people) that I can mimic normies to a probably unhealthy degree. In fact, I do it better than many normies do. That doesn’t mean I like it, though. Donig it, I mean. It’s second nature by now, and I would feel uncomfortable not doing it–but that still doesn’t mean I like doing it.
I have a flat affect by nature (and by nurture). When I explained to my autistic friend how I processed information and transformed it into emotion, she said that it was a very autistic way of doing things. Note, she wasn’t saying that it meant I was definitely autistic–just that it might be a reason for it.
When she mentioned that it was a trait of autistic people, I felt such relief. For decades, I thought there was something wrong with me. I didn’t feel emotions the way other people did. In fact, I didn’t feel them at all. Wait. That’s not exactly true. Here’s how it goes. I feel spontaneous emotions just fine, if muted some of the time. Other times, the feeling is very intense. I can usually place what these feelings are (often anger).
However, if someone tells me some news, then I’m flummoxed. It goes like this.
Friend: I have news to tell you!
Me: (Scrutinizing them closely to see if they have any gives as to whether it’s good news or bad news. Are they smiling? Lifting an eyebrow? Squinting? Squinching theier nose? None of this is conscious.) Ok. What’s the news? (Said in a carefully neutral voice.)
Friend: I’m getting divorced!
Me: (Frantically scanning them for more telltale signs. And thinking about everything I know from the past few months as to how the relationship has been going. And what I know about their relationship in general. Depending on what I know, that informs what I’ll next say.) “That’s a hard decision. You know I’m here for you.” If I know that it’s what they want (and are even happy about), then I’ll say, “I’m so glad for you! I know you’ll be happier once it’s done.”
This all took place in a matter of seconds, so it’s not something I spent aa long time on. But it was exhausting because I had to go through this kind of mental calculations every time I talked to someone. When I talked about it with my autistic friend, she said that was how she thought, too, and that it was a common trait of autistic people. I had said to her that I felt like an alien among the humans (which is also a common feeling for autistic people), and she said she felt that way as a kid growing up as well.
Part of my alienness is that I just didn’t and don’t understand hierarchies. I mean, I get that like certain positions accord respect, but even then, if the person in that position is despicable, I can’t respect that person. You can tell me that someone is the most important person in the world, and if I think they’re a shitty person, their position would not matter to me. *Ahem*
I’m not saying I wouldn’t be political about it because depending upon the situation, I may decide that being political is the optimal thing to do. In fact, despite my anarchy nature, I tend to be a people pleaser by nurture. More tomorrow.
*I have some more mixed emotions about him because of how he reacted to the Minneapolis ICE invasion, but that’s not the point of this post.
*It’s a bit more nuanced than that, but that’s also not the point of tihs post.
***Big debate on socially awkward being used to excuse bad behavior by certain people (*cough cough* white dudes *cough cough*). A quick tip on how to tell the difference between socially awkward people and creeps: people who are socially awkward are that way with most everyone if not everyone. Creeps are ‘socially awkward’ only around people they want to creep on. Maybe with other people in the same category, but not with, say, straight dudes. Or women at work who are way higher than them on the corporate ladder.