Underneath my yellow skin

Category Archives: Society

Mindfulnot, not mindfulness (part three)

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Yeah, I’m back for part three of my musing on mindfulness. Here’s part two in which I talked about, well, I’m not really sure what. I think I had more side notes tahn I did actual post. That’s just the way I roll, though. I make no apologies for it. I will footnote you all. day. long. I have footnoted footnotes before, and I will do it again.

That’s a word I love, by the way. Footnote. Side note, too.

Back to mindfulness. When I started researching the negative sides of mediattion, I expected to find nothing. I thought it was just me because people seemed to be universally positive about it. “It calms my mind!” “It makes me see the world in such a different way!” “It eases my anxiety!” “It connects me with the world!”

I know that there are proselytizers for anything and everything. I know that. I have lived that. I am careful not to do that myself because I can tip into that way too easily. And, I’ll be honest. The more praise something gets, the more suspicious I am of it. Not because I think it’s going to be trash, but because I know it won’t live up to the hype.

There is only one movie that I ever ended up really liking after being skeptical about it before going to see it and that was The Royal Tenenbaums. I don’t like many of the actors in it, and I did not have hope. Much to my surprise, I really liked it. Other than that, though, I am pretty accurate as to what I’m going to (not) like.

I really wish I had known I was neuroatypical earlier in my life. It would have made things so much easier. Things fell into place once a friend gently suggested that I take online autism test. The irony is that I knew my brother was autistic several decades ago beacuse he exhibited classic autistic traits–no eye contact, did not like being touched, very into techie things (there’s a picture of him gumming an alarm clock when he was a baby, and my mom told me he took it apart around the same time), had to do things his way, and basically stimmed (before it was a known thing).

A few months before my medical crisis, I was talking to my brother, and I casually said something like, “Because of you being on the spectrum–” He stopped me and asked me what I meant by that. I scrambled and backed up, but in the end, I told him what I meant. We’re pretty open with each other, and I did not want to lie to him.

A few weeks later, he called me to tell me that he had looked up autism and it really helped him. i felt bad that I hadn’t told him before beacuse I thought it was obvious and because he knew his older son had it–and his son was a lot like him.

It’s funny to me that he had no idea that he was autistic and needed me to tell him whereas I also had no idea that I might be and needed a friend to suggest I check it out. I thought I might have ADHD, but I never in a million years dreamed I might be autistic as well. Why? Well, mostly beccause of how autism is portrayed in society. What is emphasized when autism is mentioned? Male, stimming, can’t look you in the eye, can’t empathize with other people, low-to-no emotions.


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More on being mindful and meditation

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I want to talk more about mindfulness, meditation, and Taiji. I started a post aabout it yesterday, but as is my wont, I meandered all over the place. And probably fell asleep while writing it. My sleep is just terrible lately, for reasons that aren’t part of this post. So, yeah. Mindfulness? Miss me with that noise.

Look.

Look!

I’m not against mindfulness. In general, I’m pro-doing what makes you feel better as long as it’s not harmful to you in the long run or to other people. And, by not harmful to others, I mean truly harmful. Not, “you hurt me by setting entirely reasonable boundaries” harmful, but actually harmful.

I’m a big believer in acknowledging that most of us are just getting by as best we can. Life is hard, yo. And that’s for almost everyone.

Side note: I had a deep and abiding hatred for Christianity for most of my twenties. I had the  misfortune of being raised in a restrictive, sexist, conservative, Evangelical Christian church. I reacted very poorly to God with a capital G after that.

It took me ten years to get over my hatred. Then, I spent my late-thirties being studiously neutral to Christianity (while secretly judging it). It’s only in my forties and fifties that I can truly say that I’m fine with Christianity*.

Side note to the side note: It’s like Christmas and my birthday. I hated both when I was younger.Really hated them both. Then I reached a point when I said I didn’t hate them any longer, but still felt negatively about them. It took a long time (and a lot of Taiji) before I actually felt neutral about them. Do I feel positively about them? No. But, I’ll take it as a win that I no longer hate both.

Also, I have a new birthday. It’s the day I died and came back to life. It means much more to me than my actual birthday because, well, it just does.

Side note to the side note to the side note: When I was in my twenties, my mom would call me every year on my birthday. Foolishly, I would try to brush it off because I absolutely hated my birthday back then. My mother would get teary and go on and on about how important the day had been to her. That and the birth of my brother were the two most important events of her life. She went on about it for so long, I started comforting her.

That’s my role in life, you see. I’ve called myself her emotional support human, and I am used to it now. Back then, though, it really chafed that she dumped all this on me ON MY BIRTHDAY. It had to be about her, even on a day that was supposedly supposed to be about me. One reason I hated my birthday, by the way.

Wow. I really went in circles in this post, didn’t I?


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Mindfulness? More like mindlessness (part two)

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Today’s word is mindfulness. Words I don’t like, I mean. That’s what I’m focused on these past few days. I can hear you wondering aloud what issue I could possible have with mindfulness. Being aware of one’s inner sensations, feelings, etc., as well as one’s outer environment can’t be a bad thing, right?

Of course that’s a leading question. I would not ask it if I did not have an answer that was counter to what common belief is. I will say that I get the point of mindfulness and  I am not saying it’s completely bad. What I will say is that it’s not universally good, either.

Side note: Twenty years ago, it was not a thing. Now, it’s a big thing. Being mindful, I mean. I know that things change over time, but it’s bemusing to me in this case.

Roughly seventeen years ago, my Taiji teacher started to incorporate meditation into her classes. I struggled with it from the start, and at a certain point, I started having flashbacks. I told her I could not do it any longer. She put a pair of practice deer horn knives in my hands and showed me how to walk the circle. I fell in love with the  deer horn knives, which I have talked about several of times. This post is not about that, though.

Once mindfulness became a societal thing and somewhat of a godlike idol for many people, I became intrigued by the phenomenon–and lowkey irked. Not just because I’m a contrarian who hates it when something becomes a snake oil answer for everything that ails you, but also because, well, it makes me wonder what I’m missing.

Here’s the thing. Mindfulness is like ASMR to me. If I had no reaction to it, then I would just let it go. I hate ASMR. It sends me into an instant rage (well, certain types of ASMR. Funnily enough, I read a story from someone who in some professional capacity studied ASMR? Shilled the positive benefits of it? Something like that. He said with a straight face that ASMR could not fail anyone; it can only BE failed by a person.

He did not say that exactly, of course. But that’s what he meant. He said that no one actually had a negative reaction to ASMR because ASMR was a positive reaction. Gotta love that circular meaning! I get what he was trying to say, but to me, that’s not a legit answer. It’s pretty amusing that he wants to make it so that ASMR is negative reaction-proof. He went on to say that if the people who reacted negatively could actually feel the ASMR properly, they would react positively to it.


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What is forgiveness, part two

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I want to talk a little (lot) bit more about forgiveness.

You know that thing when you say a word enough times in a row and it starts to sound foreign? Like table. Say it repeatedly for a minute, then see if it still has meaning to you.

I mention that because I feel that way about certain words, and not just from repeating them. I wrote yesterday’s post about it, and I want to continue unpacking what forgiveness means to me–and why it is so fraught.

As I said in that post, I was raised to believe that my emotions didn’t matter, that I didn’t matter outside of what I could do for other people. My father was cold, emotionally distant, and deeply selfish. Narcissistic, even, in the classic sense of the word. Not a diagnosis–just how I experienced him as a father. He was obnoxiously sexist–well, let me clarify. He didn’t like anyone in general, but he esppecially hated women. Or rather, put them in a very restrictive box. I’ll give you one example.

The last time he was here, my brother, my mother, my father, and I went to Costco. While we were there or shortly thereafter, my father said it must be so hard for the housewives (and, yes, he used that word) to shop there. I was confused and asked him why he said that. I was pretty sure I didn’t want to know and I should have just kept my mouth shut, but something inside me just would not let me.

This is pretty typical of our relationship, by the way. I know my father is deeply sexist. He has been all my life. I know he is going to say ignorant things about women, and sometimes, I think he does it just to get under my skin. Or at the very least, he simply does not care. I say that because he’ll often preface what he’s about to say with, “I know Minna won’t like this”–then why the fuck say it? It’s on par with, “I”m not sexist, but”–yes, yes you are. Even if you have that one female friend who totally says you’re a feminist, man.

I know my father is goading me. I know I should just let it go, especially now that he has dementia. But I can’t help myself. It’s as if something inside of me just won’t let it go. I’m sure it’s partly the neurodivergency in me, but I am a grown-ass person. I know what he’s doing. I should be better than that.


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Jerking that cirrcle harder, part two

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We’re in a holding pattern right now. The border ‘czar’ (god, I hate the use of that term in government. We’re not supposed to have kings of any sort, and that smacks of kingdom to me. It also amuses me in a sardonic way that his name in Homan. Like he misspelled human. RKG (a YouTube content creator I watch) has a longstanding joke for when they play Resi games. They make the spiders say, “I aM hOomAn” in a robotic voice, and that’s what Tom Homan’s name reminds me of.

Anyway. The border guy is here and talking about how the agents have been in ‘theater’ for eight months. Uh, that’s war talk. Is he admitting that the ICE agents and Border Patrol are at war with Minnesotans?

As joyous as I am that Bovino is out, I know it’s just a cosmetic change. This new guy may placate the locals for a few days, but then it’s going to be business as usual. Or they may be quieter and less egregious in their thuggery, but it’ll still continue.

I have to say that the rightwing pundits are running on fumes right now, though. They’re using their tired old lines about how everyone in Mnnieapolis is a paid agitator. They cite the well-written signs and how organized everyone was.

I mean, yes and yes? The former is just sad. They’re shocked at how literate Minnesotans are! As for the latter, well, we’ve had a lot of practice. After the George Floyd murder at the beginning of the pandemic, Minneapolis people organized hard. And they kept it up because there were other issues in South Minneapolis.

Chris Hayes pointed out that as a parent, he had several text groups for various parent groups that had texts such as, “Who’s bringing the snacks?” He implied they had to be highly effecient and organized in orderr for them to get shit done. He made the connection that it would be easy to use a  group such as that to organize protesters.

If there’s one thing Minnesotans can do well, it’s organize. We can do a potluck like no one else’s business. Also, we’re used to our winters. We arre not deterred by the blistering cold, snow, or actual ice. We know how to deal with all that whereas people coming in with no training do not.

I’ve talked in previous posts about how Minnesotans are made of stern stuff and how this federal administrration underestimated their enemy (and I do not use that last word lightly).

I firmly believe that Trump is laying siege to cities that voted against him. He’s even mentioned it several times that he ‘won’ Minnesota three times (he lost all three times he ran0. Whether or not he truly believes that he won Mninnesota, it doesn’t matter. It he does, then he thinks he’s takking back what is truly his. If he dosen’t (and to be clear, I leaned this way), then he’s getting revenged. In the case of Minnesota, there’s the added injustice (in his mind) that our governor was the Democratic candidate for VP. And is pretty outspoken on the issues with the Trump presidency.

As with many things about this president, it comes down to petty revenge. If you’re not 100% for him, then you’re against him. If you’re against him, then he’s going to try to take you out.

I want to reiterate that I kknew he was going to be awful this time around because he had nothing to lose, because he had a revenge list and was determined to go through it, and because he was not restrrained by normal human morality.


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The circle is jerking

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The tide is changing, at least a little. I am darkly amused how quickly the members of this administration are throwing each other under the bus. Noem is now saying the talking points she vomited out after Pretti was killed (that the victim (paraphrased) was locked and loaded, and that he was looking to commit an act of domestic terrorism. She said this within minutes of the killing. She said sometihing similar soon after Good was killed three weeks ago. In fact, domestic terrorism seems to be her signature calling card these days. That includes going out in public in your own city, apparently. Several officers in the federal administration repeated these lies. And, yes, they were lies.

By the way, another thing that darkly amuses me is how quickly theMAGAtts have turned on the second amendment. They went from pushing guns 24/7 for all occasions, and now, they’re saying that Pretti deserved to be killed for legally conceal carying.

Side note to the by the way: I am deeply conflicted. I am anti-gun, and I hate that we have this on our legal books. However. It is the law here, and Alex Pretti was legally carrying his weapon when he was murdered. He had it holstered, and the only weapon he had in hand when he was gunned down–was his phone.

A note to the side note to the by the way: I still can’t get over the rightwing asshole pundit who tried to make it seem like a phone could be taken for a gun (if pulled out from the pocket quickly and jerked in front of you, pointed sideways like a gun,  and you don’t look very closely at it). It made me wince at how desparate he was to paint Pretti as a threat*.

That’s not the point, though. The point is that now that this administration is rrealizing that they got this so very deeply wrong. As I wrote about in my last post, they deeply miscalculated what they would find when they came to Minnesota (either in expecting Minnesotans to roll over and/or riot).

Now, they are doing what they do best–pointing fingers at each other. Noem, the head of DHS who is perpetually cosplaying as a cowgal and puts camo on her podium (*eye roll*) is now saying it’s the White House who fed her the lines about ‘domestic terrorism’ and others of that ilk. Stephen Miller is saying that he got his info from Noem. As for Trum himself, well, who knows what exactly he’s saying or thinking? But he, too, seems to incidacte that Noem was the one who misspoke.


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Rise up; stand up; don’t back down

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I woke up to the news that there’s been another local shooting by ICE. Oh wait. It might not be ICE. It might be Border Patrol. At any rate, it’s federal assholes. This time, it was K messaging me. which meant I had to be angry, upset, depressed, enraged, heartbroken, and a whole mess of other complicated emotions upon waking. Once again, I’ve spent all day in a daze, avoiding the video and the pictures, but reading what happened to the young man. I’m numb, yes, but there’s a rage burning in my heart, and it’s only growing stronger. There was a sliver of hope after the peaceful economic blackout yesterday–and now? We’re back in the terribleness we were in two weeks ago.

Before I continue on my rant, I want to say yet again that while I’m not happy with the increase of filming in public in general, I’m beyond grateful that it’s a staple in all the protests. Because without the video footage from ordinary people, ICE, DHS, and all the other presidential shills would be able to spin the narrative much more readily. Lord knows they’re doing their best to do it, anyway, but with all the video footage of what actually happened, it’s a much harder task for them.

Oh, I know MAGA will believe whatever their dear leader tells them, no matter what he says. Even when he changes his mind two minutes later, they agree unthinkingly.

Side note to the side note: This is a drum I’ve been banging for decades to the Democrats. Fuck that group. No, serious. Fuck them. Write them off. You will never ever ever win them over. I’m talking about that thirty percent of the population (roughly twenty percent, that’s an ass number, of the voters) who are just gonna be the way they are.

Stop ppandering to them. Stop trying to lure them to the dark side. Just. Fucking. Let. Them. Go. The ones you want to try to win over are the moderates and the independents. Oh, and by the way, you’re losing me as well because I’m tired of being put dead last every year. And not even consciously–but just by omission. That’s more insulting than being deliberately ignored.

Here’s the thing. The Democrats are shitty at messaging. And, for decades, they’ve tried to define themselves as the ‘not-Republicans’. The Dems were always reacting and never being proactive. They’re too nerdy and wonky for the gen pop. one of the big reasons Obama won was beacuse he had a simple message that connected with a vast swathe of people. He saved his wonkiness for when he got elected, which was a smart move. Oh, and he mobilized the online youth like none other. He internet savvy, and he used that to his advantage.

Back to my post.


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Minnesotans continue to stand up

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We’ve had a cold streak here in Minnesota. It reached -19F, “feels like” -35F last night. It’s -16F, “feels like” -16F right now. This is too cold, even for me. It’s brutal. People are urged to stay inside. Frostbite can happen in about five minutes. That’s not much time at all.

Simultaneously, we had an economic blackout date in order to protest ICE. It was called, “ICE Out of Minnesota: Day of Truth of Freedom”. Several businesses shut down for the days. Others stayed open and donated a portion or all of their daily profit to charity. Thousands of people braved the cold to protest, which makes me really proud.

We’re made of stern stuff here in Minnesota. To put it bluntly, the federal administration did not know who  they were fucking with when they came into Minnesota. People on the coasts like to joke about flyover states, but if they were ever to visit Minnesota, they would see that Minnesotans don’t back down.

I would be remiss if I did not point out that at the airport where they’re protesting airlines that are running deportation flights (to Texas where there is a deportation detainment/internment, the frontline of people kneeling and singing hyms was made up of mostly faith leaders. There have been a call to prayer, as it were, by several prominent faith leaders. They have recognized that what is happening is something they must take a stand on, and many of them have done just that. So I give full props to them for matching their actions to their words.

I’m so tired. Ever y time we think that this administration can’t go any lower, they do. It’s disconcerting to realize that we can’t trust anybody in the federal government right now. Anyone in this administration is inept, incompetent, aa lying asshole, or any combination of all three. I watch clips of them lying right to my face, and it fillls me with incandescent rage.

I hate being lied to. I especially hate it when someone does it ineptly or is doing it without the intent to really convince the listener. That’s just adding insult to injruy, quite frankly.

I hate what those assholes are doing to my state and to this country. I hate what they’re doing to me psychologically.

Whenever I see the head of Border Patrol strutting around, acting all high and mighty or saying indefensible bullshit, I just want to punch him in the face. Same with the VP. He came to Minnesota to give his support to ICe. Whining about whatever the fuck his whiny ass was going to whine about.


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Sometimes, it snows in January

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There is a cold snap making its way across the Midwest. We are currently at -22F, ‘feels like’ -34F. I had stuck out one hand to see if it was really that cold–it was. Some time ago, I don’t know when, they changed the way they measured windchill to be more accurate. That means we’ll never have a windchill of -100 again. We had that when I was a kid, by the way. And, yes, they closed school for it.

I’m someone who loves the cold. L-O-V-E-S it. WHen I was younger, I used to play the (to me) fun game of seeing how far I could go into winter without closing my car windows. I could make it until it dipped below zero, and then I would roll up the windows.

Even then, I would keep the heat off. This was part two of the game–how long would it take for me to begrudgingly turn on the heat. Usually, it was around ten below, and then the game was over fror the year.

I use to have the thermometer in my house set at 62 during the day and 60 at night. As I said, I like it cold. Here’s a weird thing, though. The older I get, the less cold I’m able to tolerate.  It’s not a huge difference, but it’s there. I think it’s partly menopause, honestly. They talk about heat flashes, but I was getting cold flashes instead. It was interesting to get the cold shakes; it was almost an out-of-body experience.

Back to today. It’s cold. It’s really cold. It’s “stay the fuck in the house” cold. It would have been cold for me before I hit menopause, and it’s still cold now. I’m ready to hunker down the whole weekend and not step a foot outside.

Here’s the weird thing. The last four or five winters (the ones since my medical crisis)have been all over the place. More snow in general (save one year), not as cold, and just all over the map. Probably because of climate change, sadly. I love the more snow personally, but I don’t like what it says about our weather patterns. Also, I’m aware that other people don’t like snow and/or cold as much as I do, so I feel bad for them. I don’t have to drive in it, either, which helps.

I bring it up because one of the things that makes me happy is watching the ICE fall  on ice. I have included a SNL skit that has a St. Paul-born comedian ragging on ICE falling on ice. It’s easy to tell that they are not Minnesotans because they are not prepared for Minnesota winters. Wactching them flail their arms as they vainly attempt to stay upright has given me much joy.


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Reciprocity is sorely lacking

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My empathy has run completely out.

Back story: all my life, I have been made to feel I’m lesser than. I’m in so many categories that just get overlooked or ignored, especially in a binary world. I’m Asian (not black or white); bisexual (not gay or straight); areligious (not Christian, any other religion, or an atheist); Gen X (not Boomer or Millennial); and now, agender/genderqueer (not male, female, or nonbinary).

Some of the categories cause others to view me as deficient, such as not having children. I don’t like to say childless or childfree because both of those still focus on the status (in this case a lack thereof) of having children.

I’ve been told implicitly or explicitly that my issues don’t matter as much and that I need to focus on other people. I did not mind taking people’s such as for Christmas so they could celebrate with their families (I don’t celebrate Christmas), but I did not like people feeling entitled to me covering their shifts. Nor did I get any reciprocity.

That’s my big issues. I have been told all my life I have to support this minority and that without anyone returning the favor. Being bi has gotten me shit from both straights and gays. Being Asian and Gen X gets me ignored. I don’t mind as much with agender and areligious beacuse I don’t even understand exactly what I mean by them. They’re more placeholders thaan actual labels.

Still.

I read an article about how the Somali immigrants are suffering locally (for many reasons. I don’t want to get into them right now, but suffice it to say that xenophobia is high on the list of reasons why). In fact, they are the first target for ICE with Latinos in second place (as far as I can tell).

The article I was reading focused on one woman who had owned her own small business, but has lately had to pick up gigging to make ends  meet. People are not going out right now, what with ICE doing their ICE-iest best (or worst) to fuck up my state. Small business is down 60%. Anyiway, this woman said that when she heard Trump say he was going to be good for the economy (business) and against LGBTQ+ issues, she voted for him.

I did a record scratch when I read that. I mean, those were the two things specifically mentioned so I had to assume that both were very important to her. And if that was the case, then fuck her. She went on to say she felt guilty as if she bought the gun that killed her family, but I had completely shut down by then.

I’m supposed to feel empathy for someone who voted specifically to get rid of people like me?

Here’s the thing, though. Once my anger faded (which was about a minute later), I did feel sympathetic towrds her. No matter her thoughts and beliefs, it still sucked what she was going through.

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