Underneath my yellow skin

Chaotic rage

Day whatever in self-isolation, and I’m experiencing some free-floating rage. I think our governor, Governor Walz, has handled it really well–up until two days ago when he loosened some of the restrictions so people could hunt, boat, golf, etc. The anger that overcame me surprised me because I was pretty chill (numb) about the whole pandemic prior to. Well, not with my family, but that’s another story. And, yes, I’ll get into it later. Anyway, when I read that he’d opened things up, my immediate reaction was that he’d caved to the president’s juvenile and inciting behavior about ‘liberating’ blue states.

Side Note: I do not listen, watch, or read anything the president says if I can help it because he’s such a fucking idiot. I honestly think his feed should be cut because he’s actively harming people. I’ve thought this since the beginning of his presidency, and it’s even more dire now.

Anyway, my second uncharitable thought was that this is Minnesota and people will riot (and have) if they can’t hunt and boat. And golf. I actually live on a golf course, and I’ve seen a handful of white dudes playing. Two college-aged ones, then two older ones, then one older older one this morning. The two pairs did not practice safe social distancing, and I was glad to be in my house.

Intellectually, I know it doesn’t matter to me personally because I’m not leaving my house except for smoke breaks. I’ve gone one place in the last three weeks and that was the pharmacy. So, the chances of anything coming to me is remote. Still. We haven’t had our peak yet, and the idea of relaxing the restrictions right now seems unwise. Yes, we’ve done well so far, but what good does it do if it’s not long enough?

To contradict myself, nobody knows what exactly constitutes ‘best practices’. Six-feet distance is the bare minimum, but there have been studies that show the virus can travel up to twice that distance. Gloves don’t really help seem to be the general consensus, but masks? There is a varying belief about the efficacy of them. It doesn’t help that there are different kinds of masks with different levels of resistance. And, of course, there’s a big difference between people like nurses and doctors who are in the trenches and me walking around my neighborhood. What about deliveries? How to deal with that? I read a thread about it on Ask A Manager, and people were all over the map from not disinfecting at all to all sorts of disinfection. The most extreme reaction I read was on another forum about how the person got his mail while wearing rubber gloves, then nuked both the mail and the gloves for thirty seconds in the microwave.

There was another thread about social distancing, and it was interesting to see where people drew their own lines. Before this nightmare exploded, I was on the under-reacting side of ‘this is just like the flu’. Then, when things went hellish in a hot minute, I flipped to the, ‘don’t go out at all’ side in a heartbeat. I’m on the hand-washing train (which is something that is generally seen as a good thing), but not on the constant disinfecting train. I did buy a bunch of Clorox wipes, but I’m using them sparingly. I don’t like chemical cleaners in general, and this one is not scent-free. When I get my groceries, I put the perishables in the fridge, and the non-perishables go to live in the garage for as long as I don’t need them. Now, I’ve taken the additional step of washing the bags with soap and water, and taking out the product from the cardboard box if possible and tossing the latter. Then, of course, I wash my hands. My poor skin.

I’m pissed at the people who are going out when it’s not needed like the people on that Florida beaches. I sympathize with going stir-crazy inside, but will it really be worth it when the infections spike once again? They have nearly 26,000 cases with over 750 deaths, and let’s check back in with them in two weeks.

We are ill-equipped to realize the scope of this thing, and it doesn’t help with all the conflicting info from the organizations who are supposedly in the know. I shouldn’t be pissed at the people who are out there unnecessarily risking themselves and others, but I am, anyway. I’m a defeatist in nature and know that people will be people, but I’m also an optimist as pointed out to me by a friend of yore in that I expect better from people and get disappointed when I don’t receive it.

It’s surreal. It’s sunny and warm today, and it looks as if there is nothing wrong in the world. But, there is everything wrong, and I have no idea how to fix it. Rather, it’s not something I can fix except for doing what I’m doing. Staying inside, not going anywhere, and hoping that there’s a light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

My family. I mentioned them earlier, and it’s an ongoing drama. My brother is still going out regularly as he’s a realtor and has been deemed essential. He’s taking proper precautions, but I still don’t want him around me because my immune system is shit. My mother is obsessed with masks and had her brother send some to me. Well, to my brother. Because they were afraid they’d be stolen if they were delivered to me, so they sent them to my brother’s office. It didn’t matter that I protested that my neighborhood was very safe and the package would be wrapped up so no one would know it contained masks–I was merely a silly woman who didn’t know anything.

That meant my brother had to come over to deliver the masks. He came in, and we stood more than ten feet from each other to chat, but I still felt weird having him inside. I have made my home a safe zone, and whether or not it was rational, I felt like he was endangering that. In addition, my family has always had a boundary issue–partly being Asian and partly being dysfunctional–specifically trouncing all over mine.

I have to admit that I’ve become snappy about the issues of masks. Every fucking time we talk, my mother and/or father bring up goddamn masks. Yes, it’s a big thing in Taiwan, but it’s not the be-all, end-all. More to the point, I’m. Not. Fucking. Going. Anywhere. I don’t need to wear a fucking mask. So my mom having her brother send them to my brother who then had to bring them to me, well, that was endangering me more than not having masks will.

I don’t know how many times I can say I am not going anywhere. I had to say it twice last night. Dad: “How are the masks? Do you have enough?” Me: “Yes because I’m not (fucking) going (fucking) anywhere.” I didn’t swear, but there was an edge to my voice. At least my brother agrees with me that I’m the least likely of the family to get the coronavirus. And, every time, he brings up either them flying here or my brother and me flying there. Neither of which is possible, practical, or even the best thing to do. No way in fucking hell I’m flying right now.

Everyone in my family is a control freak, including me, and this is how it’s manifesting in my parents. I’m trying to be patient, but that’s not something I’m good with in the best of times and certainly not know. It doesn’t help that it makes me feel like a child when they ignore what I’m saying especially when it’s about me NOT LEAVING THE FUCKING HOUSE. I can’t get the point across that if I don’t leave the house, I don’t need the goddamn fucking masks. In the end, I just accepted them and tossed them in the closet. How many have I used? None. How many do I anticipate using? None. But who knows? If this goes on for months more, I may break down and go to the grocery store.

I have more to say, but I’m tired. I’m going to end this here for now and pick it up later. I’m sure I’ll have much more to say on this subject.

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