More dissecting gender here. Yesterday’s post ended abruptly with me wondering about why men and women couldn’t be friends or could only be friends with strict parameters. All the caveats and warnings about it made me depressed. I have never gave a shit about any of that. Then again, I’m queer. Even though I don’t hang around in queer communities much, that’s one thing that queers have mastered–how to be friends with the gender to which you are attracted.
There is less of a hardline between friends and lovers, which I think is a good thing. It doesn’t need to be so binary. Then again, I’m not monogamous, either. I have no interest in a long-term monogamous relationship. What I really want is a fuck buddy whom I can hook up with a few times a week. Maybe more than one. Set it and forget it.
The thing is that most queer communities are rather small. Especially in places wehre there aren’t a huge amount of us. You’re going to probably have to be chill with being around your exes. And, there’s a reason it’s a trope that queer friends have so many exes in common
When I hear about all these rules that het people set for their cross-gender friendships, it boggles my mend. Even when I thought of myself as a straight woman, I never understood the admonishments that men and women couldn’t be friends.
I mean, I can understand in theory not wanting to cross the lines between friends and lovers as decreed in a relationship. It’s disrespectful if you agree what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationship, then one person deliberately crosses that line. That’s just caring about the person you love.
What I don’t understand, though, is having a complete ban on your partner having friends with people of the gender(s) they are attracted to. It’s pretty insulting to assume that you can’t be friends with people from the gender(s) to which you’re attracted. And, in my case, it would mean that I can’t be friends with anyone.
This is where I get hung up. There are people I want to sleep with and people I don’t. There are people I’m attracted to and people I’m not. There are people I’m not currently attracted to, but may be in the future. There are many things that are inclined to make me more or less attracted to someone, but gender ain’t one.
I’m not saying this to flex. I’m not saynig this to be like I’m above all this. It’s just that…I don’t GET gender. I really don’t. I have checked in with myself over and over again. I like my body. Fuck. I love my body! I don’t feel body dysmorphia (any longer) or body dysphoria (ever). But I also don’t FEEL like a woman, whatever that means. Every time I try to think about if I feel like a woman, I come up empty.
All I can think of is how other people define womanhood, and I do’nt relate to that at all. But I know that I’m not a man. I feel that in my bones. Funnily enough, I have always been better at saying what I’m not rather than what I am. I feel as if I’m a big block of molding clay, and I use a scalpel to whittle away what I’m not to get to what I actually am.
I’m not a man. I’m not nonbinary. I’m…not a woman? Not exactly. What is left? Agender, I guess. Or multigender? But I don’t feel like I’m all the genders, even though I have traits that some would consider masculine and others that people may call feminine.
To me, it’s just me. I’m me. I’m moody, emotional, but also rational and calm. I love Taiji, FromSoft games, my cat, and stuffed animals. I hate the color pink and love the color black. Red and silver are cool,t oo, as is a mustard yellow and dusty rose. I much prefer vibrant and dark colors to pastels. I am square, blocky, and muscular, but I also have big tits. HUGE tits, actually. I stride when I walk, talk fast and clipped, but I worry excessively about other people’s emotions. I’m empathetic to a worrying degree, which I consider more a curse than a blessing.
More to the point, I don’t see why I should care abotu gender. Again, I’m not saying nobody should care, but for me, I thought about it for months before I ended up in the hospital. That’s when I decided just to slap agender on it and call it a day. Prior to that, I went with genderqueer, which was fine as well.
My medical crisis made me realize that in this lifetime, I just don’t care enough about gender to drill down to exactly what I am. But after a few more months of thinking about it, I decided that it’s just not important to me right now. As I’ve said, gender for me does not affect anything I do. I can play Elden Ring wonderfully no matter my gender. I wish they would allow for a genderless character, but at least they’ve switched from male/female body types to just Type A and Type B. Granted, the former will get you masculine pronouns and the latter feminine ones, but it’s a start, I guess?
I can do my Taiji weapons no matter what gender I am. I can have sex regardless as well! I can understand why people feel deeply connected to their gender, but I just don’t have that feeling myself.
I support everyone being abel to live their authentic lives. That includes me. for me that means not being invested in gender and having people just use my name for me. I have fully acknowledged that it sounds more awkward that way, but I’m fine with that. I’d rather hear an awkward sentence that uses my name three times than one in which I’m called by any pronoun. This is where the ‘repeating their name is disrespectful’ falls down for me. But it’s also why I’m chary to mention it. I want trans people and nonbinary people to feel supported in their gender/pronoun usage. On the other hand I also would like to be supported for my no pronouns desire. I hesitate to say that, though, because I don’t want to seem unsupportive of trans and nonbinary people.
My internet is cutting in and out again. No idea why. It’s very frustrating. I’m going to end this here.