I’m back to write more about limits, boundaries, and toxic positivity–maybe. That’s what I wanted to write about in the last post, but then I wandered down the road of talking about my poor memory. I am going to get back on track now and write abotu what I said I wanted to write about, but we’ll see how long that lasts.
Despite all the blathering I’ve done about being negative about pushing too hard, I’m not totally against it. I know you have to push yourself at times to get shit done. I especially have to do so because I tend to lean towards inertia. When K used to live here, we got together maybe once a month, usually to go out dancing. It took me quite some time to get ready to go. We usually did it like this. Let’s say we were meeting at eight. I would think about getting ready about six-thirty, but I could not make myself do it until seven or seven-thirty. It only took me ten minutes to get ready to go (I didn’t weear makeup at all), so that made it easier for me to drag my feet.
I would leave at twenty to eight because it took fifteen to twenty minutes to make it to K’s house. Then, I would sit on her bed for fifteen to twenty minutes and watch as she agonizehd over what to wear. We were both depressed people, and it took a lot of effort to get us moving. She would usually ask her husband to help pick out an outfit because he had a great sense of style while I just sat there, amused. We would rarely leave her house before a half hour after we agreed to go out. I was fine with it once I realized it was just the way she was.
One of my funniest memories of us going out was the one rare time when we were going to something in St. Paul, which was closer to me than her. So we decided that she would come to my house rather than the other way around. At eight (when we were supposed to meet), just as I was thinking about getting dressed, my doorbell rang. I was flustered as I realized she had come early (for her). In fact, that’s what I blurted out to her as I opened the door–“You’re early!” I’m afraid I said it in an accusatory tone (though I did not mean it that way).
“I’m on time!” She said immediately. “Which is early for you!” It was a thoughtless reply on my part, but fortunately, she laughed. We had been besties for long enough to be able to joke like that.
I used to be the one to be early all the time because my family was always late when I was a child. It’s a Taiwanese thing, and I hated it. If a party was supposed to start at eight, we would not leave the house until at least a quarter after. We would arrive closer to nine, and we would be one of the first ones there. This was when I was a child. i would carry a book with me so I could read as I was waiting, but that would upset my father. He would make me put it away because it was rude to the other people (who were paying no attention to me).
It made me become a ‘being on time is late’ person in my twenties and thirties. Maybe it’s Taiji, but I’m now a ‘being on time is ideal, but not a big deal’ kind of person. We go by, “No fuss, no muss” and “No worry, no hurry”. Take all the time you need, and there’s no reason to push yourself hard. When I talk with my teacher, she emphasizes that I have all the time in the world. That’s beacuse I really like the weapon forms, and I want to do them all. I get overwhelmed sometimes because there are so many I want to learn. The guandao, the karambit, hook swords (not sure which), and more. I also want to teach myself the Double Sword Form, but, well, there isn’t one. At least not one in Taiji that I could find.
Right now, I’m concentrating on the Bagua Knivevs Form and teaching myself the left side of the Solo (Long) Form (Taiji). And cleaning up my other forms (especially the Double Saber Form and the Double Fan Form). I just want to do it all, and I want to do it now. I know that’s not possible, but it’s hard not to feel as if time is passing me by. Also, my teacher does not care for the weapons, so if I want a teacher to help me there, I would have to find another teacher. Which I’m not against, but it was hard to find just one.
Here’s where I get messed up when it comes to boundaries/limits/pushing myself. I have no idea how to gauge whether I push myself enough, too much, or not enough. My teacher is very encouraging, and I have embraced not pushing myself too hard. But on the other hand, I need to have some forward movement. I can’t remain perfectly still. With the Bagua Knives Form, I feel I’m moving at a glacial pace. On the other hand, I completely forgot one movement–and I’ve only taught myself a half dozen.
The thing is that I’m still relatively new to Bagua. I’ve been doing it a year-and-a-half, maybe? Maybe a year. It’s completely different than Taiji except that they are both internal martial arts. Taiji is about conserving energy and just using enough to get the job done. It’s not flashy or hard. It’s about receiving what your opponent is giving you and then returning it tenfold. Your weight is roughly 70% forward most of the time, and you want to empty step. You never want to be double-weighted, either.
In contrast, Bagua doesn’t give a fuck about any of that. Bagua is vicious, and it’s going for the kill. You don’t need to empty steps, and whatever you need to get the job done is fine. You can double-weight if you want, and usually, 60% of the weight is on the back foot.
It was so difficult for me to get the hand of, and I still have to ask my teacher for pointers now and again. It’s so completely different than Taiji; they are about as far apart as two martial arts can be and still be within the same general group (internal martial arts).