You’ve read all the Fifty Shades of Grey books and watched the movie several times with your girlfriends (and you’re eagerly awaiting the sequel) while getting drunk on Cosmos and doing your nails. You and your girlfriends giggle over your sexual escapades as you get sloppy drunk, but inside, you know there’s something missing from your bedroom adventures. “It’s fine,” you tell your partner after the missionary position for the third time this week. Maybe, if you’re both feeling adventurous, you get on top for reverse cowgirl. It’s fifteen minutes of pumping, and when it’s done, you think to yourself, “Is that it?” You’ve dreamed of your own Christian Grey, and sometimes, in your deepest, darkest fantasies, you ARE Christian Grey*. After several acrimonious conversations in which the words, “You’ve never satisfied me!” were uttered, you’ve finally convinced your partner to put a toe in the BDSM waters.
You’ve been looking forward to it all day while schlepping the kids to soccer practice and back, and once you’re sure they’re sound asleep for the night, you’re keen to set the scene. You place candles all around your bedroom with vague ideas of wax dripping later on, and you search your iTunes for a little Lords of Acid. Rough Sex and The Power is Mine, specifically. You put on your brand new black latex outfit that makes you feel as if you’re trapped in an Iron Maiden, but it’s worth it, damn it, because you feel like a goddess. You want everything to be perfect for when your partner comes home and is ready to play.
Once everything is ready and your partner is firmly trussed up, you open up your nightstand drawer and lovingly pull out the fifteen thousand golden dildo you have nestled inside.
Wait a minute. Hold up. I know this is your fantasy, but I really must stop you there. I bit my tongue when you were swooning over Christian Grey. I nodded in approval when you mentioned Lords of Acid. I tempered my negativity at the latex bodysuit.** Spending fifteen thousand on a golden dildo, however, is the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back, no matter what noted sexologist, Gywneth Paltrow, says. The description for this expensive bauble is, “It’s perfect for those who understand that you can’t put a price on pleasure.” There are so many things wrong with that statement (which is reminiscent of the apocryphal, “Let them eat cake”), starting with, “Yes, you fucking can!” You most certainly can put a price on pleasure, and we do it all the time. Is this movie worth fifteen bucks? Is this video game worth sixty? Is this surf and turf dinner worth a hundred? Secondly, the notion that you have to spend five figures on a dildo in order to attain true pleasure is…breathe, Minna, breathe. Since I’m trying to watch my blood pressure, let’s just focus on the price, shall we?
We need to have an intervention. Let’s sit.
::pats seat next to me::
I’ve been around the dominatrix block a time or two, and let me tell you, you do not need to spend $15,000 on a dildo to peg your partner. Listen to Auntie Minna. My whipping days may be over, but I still know a thing or two about a thing or two. You can buy the Simon Peg (it’s a play on Simon Pegg. Get it?) that is a dildo expressly for pegging, and it costs $49.99 at the Smitten Kitten, a local (MN) progressive sex store. Fifty bucks! That’s 3% of the cost of the golden dildo if my math is right. Even if it’s not, it’s still a pittance compared to $15,000. If even that is too much for you, then you can go even cheaper by visiting your local grocery store. Remember my post about steaming veggies? Well, they can double as dildi*** in a pinch. Cucumbers, zucchinis, even carrots with their tapered end and their wide end. A pound of zucchini will set you back roughly two bucks, and you can choose a wide assortment of sizes to find the one that is just perfect for your puss without being in danger of losing your house.
Do you know what you can do with $15,000? You can put a down payment on a house. You can take a trip around the world–lavishly. You can put a kid through one year of college at a state school. Those are the big things you can do with it, and there a a million little ones as well. What you do not want to do with it is spend it on a golden dildo! What is the point? Your innards will not be thinking, “Oh, this dildo is different. It’s not the regular old plastic/glass/steel shit. It’s gold-plated, just like my vag! Your vag doesn’t care. Your partner’s vag/asshole won’t care, either. A dildo by any other name will still work just fucking fine.
Girl. Listen. You do NOT need to take out a second mortgage to have spectacular sexy times! Believe me, nothing kills the mood faster than worrying about how you’re going to pay the electricity bill. As you’re whipping your partner’s ass, there’s a corner of your mind scheming about sending the check for the phone bill to the electric company and vice-versa**** so you don’t have to deal with the overdraft in your bank account for a few more days. It’s hard to be at your dominating best when the travails of your daily life weigh heavily on your mind. Your mentality is the most important part of sexing, and a untroubled partner is HOT.
So, put away your stressed credit card and open your fridge instead. Pick the perfect zucchini and start pegging! I guarantee your partner won’t know the difference, but your wallet sure will.
*I haven’t read the books or seen the movies other than brief excerpts and clips, but I know the general gist.
**I’m allergic. ::shudders::
***Or dildos if you want to be pedantic.
****I know most bills are paid by direct deposit these days. I’m just making a point. Geez.