Ed. Note: I’ve seen for years the ridiculousness that is Gwyneth Paltrow’s goop website and have rolled my eyes at her advice to gullible women across the country. I wouldn’t give a shit about her quackery except it gets dutifully reported every time she throws out a wild idea. I don’t like Coldplay and have never given much thought to Chris Martin, but after watching him on Carpool Karaoke, he’s OK with me. I’m glad he consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth, and I wish him all the best in the future. Anyway, I was pushed over the edge recently by reading part of an article on jade eggs (don’t ask) from Gwyneth, and I tweeted that I was going to start the anti-goop website in which I parodied that bullshit, but also gave correct information on pussy business at the same time. I decided to incorporate it into my blog instead, so here we are. This is the first post. Enjoy!
Ladies, we need to have a frank talk about your vag health. Oh, I know, it’s not the thing to discuss it in polite company, but I have never cared much about being polite. We do things every day to take care of others. Our partners, our kids, our parents, our animals, our friends, and everyone else in our lives. When was the last time you took care of you? I know how hard it can be to squeeze in your hot yoga class after work and before dinner. Then, you have to walk the dog when you get home, whip up a tasty and healthy dinner in twenty minutes, and make sure the kids have finished their homework before they download rated R movies on Netflix without your knowledge. Then, you have to check your email and make sure that sexy yoga instructor has used your private account to email you and not the one you share with your husband. When you have a moment to think, you realize that you haven’t paid particular attention to your puss in…well, you can’t remember the last time you thought about your girl parts! We’re here to change that right now.
I’m sure you’ve read about the hotness that is steaming your vagina. Noted gynecologist, Gwyneth Paltrow extolled the virtue of this procedure a few years ago, and she pooh-poohed the idea that there was no scientific basis for this procedure. Who needs science, amirite? Not us, especially not now under this president. Science is a four-letter word, and we need not speak of it again. If Gwyneth says it’s good for your vag, then who are we to argue*? Never mind that the vagina cleans itself. Never mind that all it really needs is soap and water. That shit don’t get clicks, son! Gotta push the woo-hoo for the hoo-ha! I mean, who doesn’t want to sit on a Throne of Steam and feel like a vag queen? Not I, I can tell you that much.
But, there’s something even better for your vag health, and it’s oh-so-easy to do! In fact, it’s so easy, even I can do it. I’m surprise it’s not all the rage, but it doesn’t have the backing of a mega-star. I bet you’re dying to hear what it is, right?** Donate five dollars to me and–oh, hell. I’ll tell you for free. Steam your vegs, not your vag!
What a shocker, I know. It’s so far out of the box, I cannot contain it. It’s brilliant. It’s amazing. And it’s so fucking simple. We all know that vegetables are so beneficial to our health, and it’s been shown that steaming is better than boiling or microwaving them to retain the nutrients and such. I can hear you thinking that I’ve switched-and-baited you because what the hell is fun or sexy about steaming vegetables when you can slather them in a cheese sauce, a cream sauce, or butter? Steaming vegetables is so…boring I can hear you complain. Fear not my feisty friends! There are several ways you can spice up your steamed veggies so that even your picky children will eat them. In addition, here’s a recipe for steamed vegetable dumplings that look to die for. Am I stretching it a bit with this recipe? Of course I am, but I’m Taiwanese. I can’t do without my dumplings! I can hear your second complaint. How is this related to vag health? Well, if you want to keep the flora and fauna*** of your vag in tiptop shape, veggies are a great way to do that. The healthier your vag is, the happier you’ll be. Which means more sexy times in the future!
It’s easy; it’s cheap; and there’s no danger to the ecosystem in your vag. You can eat them while you’re taking a relaxing bath and perhaps sipping a glass of red wine or sparkling water. That’s the best way to steam your vag, and you can do it in your own bathroom. You don’t have to pay through the nose at a high-priced spa for this procedure, and I’m giving it to you for free as well.
Steam your peas, not your pussy!
Steam your broccoli, not your box!
Steam your carrots, not your cootch!
Steam your yams, not your uterus!****
Steam your lima beans, not your labia!
Steam your spinach, not your snatch!
Steam your mushrooms, not your muff!
Steam your watercress, not your womb!
Steam your hot pepper, not your hoo-ha!
I’ll say it again. Steam your veggies, not your vag!***** Who knows? It may get your lover to eat both your steamed veggies and your unsteamed vag tonight, which sounds like a win-win situation to me.
*I’ll leave that to Dr. Jen Gunter, an actual OB/GYN, who most emphatically recommends you don’t steam your vag.
**OK, I know I gave the game away in the title. Play along with me!
***Wait, one of those means animals, which is another post altogether.
****Look. You try to find a vegetable than starts with ‘U’. It’s hard to do.
*****Seriously. Don’t steam your vag. Just don’t.